This has been a bad summer, on a number of levels. It’s disgustingly hot and humid every day (every single day without relief), we have no money, and my phone rings all the time, but it’s never the calls I’m waiting for.
Yeah, the summer of 2010 is a real crack-snacker, and I’ll be happy to see it go. But before it’s over, the gods of punishment have one last treat for me. At least I hope it’s the last one…
In a couple of weeks we’re supposed to be receiving visitors, if you know what I mean. Visitors from North Carolina (or is it South Carolina?), for upwards of two weeks. Why so long, you ask? I think I was told, but couldn’t hear because my brain started cutting in and out, and there was a loud whistling sound in my ears. I almost lost consciousness.
I think they’re arriving during the last week of the month, which will put my Beerless July to its biggest test yet. I might have to turn it into the Beerless First Three Weeks of July. Adapt or die, right?
Will somebody please hold me?
My beerless experiment has been surprisingly easy, so far. I haven’t even thought about it much. And I’m reading like I’m entered into some kind of reading contest. I’m ripping through novels like a mama’s boy rips through Cinnabons.
Last night, however, I wanted a cuppa two tree Yuenglings after work. It was an especially suckish week, and I had the urge to crack open a bottle and flop in front of the computer for an hour or so. But I had corn flakes instead, and it wasn’t so bad.
The weird thing? I seem to be missing more update days than normal. Some of it’s been out of my control, but I thought I’d be way more productive this month. However, I feel like some of the recent posts have been better than normal. So, I don’t really know how to measure it.
Speaking of reading, I just picked up this book at Borders. It’s a hardcover, and even with a 33% discount (they’re constantly sending coupons to their mailing list), it cost about seventeen bucks. And that’s a lot, in my opinion. I rarely buy new hardcovers.
But I’ve been told that the author and I share a similar sense of humor. I read his previous book, Home Land, and it was really funny. So, I wanted to get into his latest. And the way I justified it? Seventeen bucks is almost exactly the price of a case of the golden elixir.
I’m very accomplished at the art of justification.
I’m currently in the grip of a powerful Buddy Holly jag. I’m kinda sorta obsessed with Buddy Holly, in case you didn’t know. I think he was bad-ass.
He died when he was only 23, and had already written and recorded some of the greatest songs in rock history. It was a horrible tragedy when his plane went down. ‘Cause his best years were still ahead of him.
I hope there’s some kind of celestial jukebox through which we’ll someday be able to play the many songs Buddy wasn’t able to write during his time on Earf. Ya know?
Anyway, last night I was thinking about what my legacy would’ve been, if I’d lived a Buddy Holly-sized life. He had all his incredible songs, and his status as an international icon, etc. And below I’ve listed what I believe would’ve been my main accomplishments, if I’d died at 23.
· Member of the “20 Club,” which required the drinking of at least 20 (3.2 percent alcohol) cans of beers during the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving. A very elite group.
· Established a reputation as an above-average rock thrower.
· Could tie a necktie.
· Professional toll collector (retired).
· Drop-out at two universities.
· Had seen the Doobie Bros. in concert twice, possibly three times.
· Had engaged in sexual activities with more than zero women, but less than two.
And that pretty much tells the tale. What would’ve been your legacy if you’d lived a Holly-sized life, and died at 23? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys again next time. Possibly tomorrow, but probably Sunday. Stay tuned.
Have a great day, my friends!
Dare I say go First yourself?
My legacy would be a high ranking on today’s post. Thanks Peggy Sue!
I thought my first threesome would be with two other girls…
crap
make that two… not two “other”…. crap
Dead at 23? Well, it certainly would have saved a lot of time and effort.
Solved rubik’s cube. Yeah, chew on that homies.
Hmm, my accomplishments at 23….
Member of the Century club (100 shots of beer in one hour)
University drop-out (only one though)
Sex with more than 2 girls. But not at the same time. Still waiting on that one, but how much action can you get as a balding, overweight 40-ish married guy with kids?
Crashed one motorcycle and walked away with minor injuries
Completely totalled two car and walked away with minor injuries
I’ll have to think about the question more but….
Top Ten!!!!!
I’ll have to think about the question more but….
Top Ten!!!!!
WTF? Duplicate comment detected? Am I THAT lame?????
11th?!
dogberryjr-Your comment is going to be tough to top!
Visitors? Could be awesome!
I still lived at home, managed to luck into one sexual encounter and was still driving a 1973 4 door Chevy Nova with a straight six. My legacy at that point in my life would have been a handful of friends who remembered how drunk I got at a buddies wedding, climbed on the bar to shoot them the moon and passed out as I pulled my trousers down. I proceeded to crash head first into a stack of coffee cups. My buddies gathered me up and dropped me off at my parents house. Oh what a full life lived.
* Won the Fork-Lift Rodeo
* Lead guitar in an all-white soul band
* Could fry 28 chickens at one time
* Paid to see Black Oak Arkansas
* Once told Ghandi to grow a pair
* Shot a man in Reno (OH) just to watch him flinch
Never got caught jacking off
*Flipped a car with a sunroof into a irrigation ditch and walked away with nothing but sore muscles.
*Learned to play guitar when I was 10, favorite song to play, Dear Prudence by the Beatles.
*Can fingerpick a guitar like a sonofabitch.
*Wore a green wool hat to school everyday in 7th grade because ‘Mike Nesmith from the Monkees wore one’
*Started drinking Busch Light in cans when I was 17 because I chose too.
*Dropped out of community college because it was just like highschool.
*Survived an extremely abusive relationship with an extremely pathetic loser.
*Met the Beatles first producer when I was 16.
*Traveled across country
*Been to 4 music festivals, and 26 concerts.
*Had 5 cars in 7 years.
By 23 I had:
* PC version = had engaged in several “relationships”
* was married (still am, same guy)
* Had one child (then)
* Had steady employment
* Wrecked several motorcycles/3 wheelers, no cars
* Could drink like a fish w/o passing out, throwing up,
or having a hangover
Nothing too exciting.
more later, but i had probably fucked myself approximately 30,000 times.
Oh yeah, and Milt Pappas (if anyone even knows who that is) introduced me to his dogs once and I ran errands for him one day. It was weird.
Got yanked onstage at a male stripper’s club.
Met Keith Richards
Quit my job at McDonalds and got a pretty swanky job at a Midtown Manhattan law firm
Bought an overpriced piece of shit stereo at Macy’s because it was the only credit card I had,
Broke up with a controlling guy and felt great
Brittney-Milt Pappas, is he a singer? Mommas and the Pappas?
i don’t really remember 23.
dropped out of 2 high schools
owned a sports car
had had sex with more men that i care to admit
went to rehab
drank a ton
had a child
got a GED
went backstage with megadeath(reffer to number3)
tackled my fear of public speaking
had more hair colors than i care to admit
lived in about 20 houses
survived a suicide attempt
lived on a farm
lived in the city
saw pink floyd
saw U2
not in that order.
Wow, WB. Good catch. I didn’t think anyone remembered them. Betsy Mammas and Milt Pappas made some incredible music back in the 60’s.
And if I remember correctly, you could hear one of Milt’s dogs in the background on one of their songs. I think the song was named “Seamus”, after the dog.
Of course, I doubt that old Seamus was still around when Brittney met Milt’s dogs.
@ WB, nope, baseball player…http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milt_Pappas
YES!!! USA! USA! USA!
Damn!!
Musta been a different Milt Pappas….
Never mind.
I’m just pulling your chain Brittney. It’s the only way I know how to be funny. The Reds traded Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, everybody in a 200 mile radius of Cincinnati knows who Milt Pappas is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN3GbF9Bx6E
Legacy at 23:
Traveled to 9 different countries, not including military deployments.
Bachelors degree.
Fought a war in two countries. I actually turned 20 in a mud hut in Afghanistan.
Spoke 3 languages, I only speak one now.
Recorded three full length music albums no one has ever heard of.
Been to more rock concerts than years alive.
Had more than 0 sexual encounters.
Had more than 3 sexual encounter with women from countries in 3 European nations.
Probably one the youngest ever to develop carpal tunnel syndrome not from peeling the potato.
Sat behind the dugout and saw the Cubs win a game in Wrigley when the ivy was green
Man, its been pretty down in the past 4 years.
Attended Indiana University.
Worked as backstage engineer with Earth, Wind and Fire, Roadmaster, Ray Parker Jr and Raydio, George Benson, Dave Mason and Bootsy’s Rubber Band.
Fired from Taco Bell, Sears and Blocks Department Store.
Smoked more cannabis than a Jamaican. Had my first trip on acid.
Purchased my first stereo system, several guitars, and amps.
Bought a second hand 22 and the threw it away after I almost got arrested when the cops pulled me and a preacher friend over because we fit the description of some bank robbers. Luckily when the officer patted me down, he did not check my eh hmmm “package” or he would have found that the bulge in front of my pants was not all me. Good thing the safety was on too!
@dto: Not getting caught means you don’t do it dangerous enough.
Oh my, oh my, oh my. I must plead the 5th on things (people) I did before 23. Good Lawd, I hate to even think about it!
loved that Mommas and Pappas video. what a great song!
I like it when you call me Milt Pappas!
Raise the roof.
I live 1,943 miles from Cincinnati and I not only know who Milt Pappas is, I have his 1959 and 1961 Topps Orioles cards.
I’ve handled those cards more than hot fuzz has handled the two other girls.
And the fact that Mr. Pappas died at 23 adds a sobering note to this entire discussion. I guess it’s the day the music and the fastball died.
I’m late? You’ve moved on? I guess I need to reexamine my schedule. Or my prostate. Too much self-copulation.
jtb
So much for Mr. Pappas. But who is this Frank Robinson of whom you speak?
jtb
Alright, 23 huh?
Graduated college
Flipped a van on I-270 in Columbus
“been” with approx 10 gals
lived in Marietta, OH, Atlanta, and Cincinnati
fired from one job
had flown to venezuela for 1 day
kicked out of one apartment
been mugged
had to breath through a hole in my neck
sent 2 people to prison
been to kinnickinnick and knockemstiff twice
deportation-Fu, First Class-Fu, Statutory-Fu
All in all, 5 stars
My impression of several of the “things I had done at 23” comments…
I’ve wrestled with alligators,
I’ve tussled with a whale.
I done handcuffed lightning
And throw thunder in jail.
You know I’m bad.
just last week, I murdered a rock,
Injured a stone, Hospitalized a brick.
I’m so mean, I make medicine sick.
.
With thanks to my friend Muhammad Ali who I beat in training camp when I was 22.
jtb
JTB, if I’m not mistaken, Frank Robinson was aka “Smokey”, and he led a group named “The Miracles” back in the 60’s. Quite the sentimental fellow, he had hits that included “Tracks of My Tears”, “Tears of a Clown”, and “I Second That Emotion”. As for a connection to baseball? Smokey’s rendition of the National Anthem before Game 5 of the 1986 World Series at Fenway Park is generally considered one of the greatest renditions of the Anthem at a sporting event ever. But, alas, he couldn’t hit the curve ball.
He made it past the age of 23, but is scheduled to pass in 2023.
I think Tilly wins the 23 accomplishment contest because she lived on a farm.
OK, and maybe because she’s unlikely to have made any of that stuff up. She was a wild child.
I’d put Milt Pappas in 2nd because of the 209 wins.
Frank Robinson takes 3rd, based in large measure on “The Tears of a Clown”
.
That is all.
At this time.
jtb
CADude,
We might have different political parties, worship different gods, or even go to different dry cleaners. But that was scary. While I was typing my rap on Smokey, you were tying yours. Great minds.
jtb
Good Evening Surf Reporters…..
I was just thinking last night about how JK was holding up with his beerless July. Now I know…
My legacy at 23:
Nightime K-Mart stockperson
Expert Pizza and Calzone maker
Auto Detailer
Advertising salesman
Golf Club salesman
Graduated with an Associates Degree
Graduated with a Bachelors Degree
Husband
Father
CADude,
Although I will stipulate that your writeup was more clever. And that I can’t spell well when I’m speed typing.
See you at the dry cleaners.
love,
jtb
Milt? He’s still alive and kickin. Unless you were talking about his career?
Not 23, but he’ll be almost 53. 10-15-10 Guided By Voices at the Southgate House in Newport, KY.
Wooooooooooooooo!
At 23, I had graduated from college
Been with more guys than I’ll ever admit here (and had been married and divorced)
Met the Evil Twin (love at first sight)
Had my first professional job with benefits
Had one DUI (1st and only) under my belt
Had 12 earrings, several nipple piercings and 3 tattoos (still have the earrings and tats)
Was a connoisseur of blotter LSD and many other illicit drugs
Knew I would marry the Evil Twin and we’d have 2 secrets
He was 32, so I hope he realized all this, too. 🙂
First!
Damn this Droid is slow!
Some asshat at BP just noticed the switch on the wall:
OIL FLOWS INTO GULF / OIL DOESN:T FLOW INTO GULF
Now watch gas prices skyrocket.
I had an ex girlfriend who’s uncle is a Tina Turner impersonator in Louisville, KY.
The tops of my pre-23 existence:
– Seen a million faces and rocked them all.
– Jerked off eight times in one day (multiple times)
– Dropped out of the same university…twice.
– Won a steel drivin’ contest against a steam powered drill.
– Ate a 4 1/2 pound London Broil in one sitting.
– 1984 Star Search spokesmodel AND teen dance champion.
– Invented the iPod but forgot to apply for patent.
– Destroyed actor James Cromwell in a bar fight.
– Jumped off of a garage using an umbrella…successfully
– Wrote the lyrics to Air Supply’s All Out of Love.
– Passed a 20 word spelling test with a score of 100 percent.
– Made a million dollars, lost a million dollars.