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As You Can See, I Went With the Latter

July 7, 2009 By Jeff 77 Comments

halfassI’m still experiencing site issues, and have been emailing my webhost back-and-forth all morning.  We (they) identified and fixed a couple of Big Problems, but another remains.

I’m now able to make changes to the sidebar (Further Evidence, etc.), and it allowed me to upload a photo to yesterday’s update, but I still don’t know EXACTLY where my WordPress files are.  Can you believe it?  They’re out there somewhere, ’cause the site is up.  But I can’t see them via FTP.

But we’ll get it all hammered-out eventually.  And it appears the site is moving much faster.  It was really dragging over the past few weeks, but is all cranked-up now.  So, their “improvements” are causing me to lose some stomach lining, but have also improved performance a great deal.

I guess I can live with that.

As I type this Michael Jackson’s “golden casket” is reportedly arriving at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.  I’m not watching it on TV.  How are they bringing it in, via helicopter?  Horse-drawn carriage?  Maybe I should turn it on?  Or maybe not…

Not to be insensitive (ahem), but didn’t he die a long time ago?  Like two or three weeks?  Or is that just my imagination?  It sure seems like a lot of time has passed, doesn’t it?  And they still haven’t buried him??

Of course, at this point it probably wasn’t even necessary to embalm the body.  There’s so much plastic involved, it’s probably dishwasher-safe.

Hello?

I haven’t mailed the t-shirts yet, but I’ve set Thursday aside for the task.  Sorry I didn’t get to them last weekend, but there was some kinda cluster-copulation going on… which I can’t now remember.  But they’ll go out on Thursday/Friday.

And, of course, if you want one, order away.  I’ve got plenty.  Sweet sainted mother of the Litter Indian!  I think I might’ve slightly… over-ordered.

Metten posted another hilarious animation short at Mockable yesterday, and I forgot to tell you about it.  So, here it is.  Extra good stuff.

And if all goes right, I should have a free gift for you guys by the end of the week.  It’s not ready yet, but almost.  I’m excited about it, and think it’ll be very cool, indeed.  So, stay tuned.

This isn’t much of an update, but I found myself in one of those situations where I had to choose between “skip a day” and “post something half-assed.”  As you can see, I went with the latter.

For lack of a proper Question, why not tell us your funniest funeral stories?  Use the comments section below, if you have anything on this morbid subject.

And I’ll be back tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker.

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Comments

  1. WB in OH says

    July 7, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    woot!

    Reply
  2. Greg says

    July 7, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Woot, Woot!!

    Reply
  3. sportzbelle says

    July 7, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Sweet timing – freshly updated

    Reply
  4. AustinGuy says

    July 7, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    What? Is everyone else watching the big extravaganza?

    This just in: “Michael Jackson is STILL dead”.

    Reply
  5. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    July 7, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Dishwasher safe; tee hee.

    I’ll try and think up some laugh-riot funeral story to share. Not making any promises, but I’ll try.

    Reply
  6. Shiny Rod says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Sechs

    Reply
  7. Dudley Dawson (Booger) says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    top 10 baby!!!!

    Reply
  8. Shiny Rod says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    As for MJ’s casket, it arrived via hearse. When they leave the memorial service, it will exit in a horse drawn carriage as with dignitary protocol. You should watch the memorial though Jeff in the respect as a lover of music like me. The man was a genious as an entertainer.

    Reply
  9. JCIII says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….

    I couldn’t help but noticing that Billy Squire in the Further Evidence looks and dances like Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb. All that’s missing is the pierced nipple and penis tuck creating the “mangina”.

    Funny funeral story? That’s another one I’ll have to think about.

    Reply
  10. Adam says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    No funny funeral stories. I’ve only been to 3, had to do a eulogy at one and the other two were friends who in high school were “accidentally” shot in the head… same year, different incidents.

    Reply
  11. Rusty says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Tada.

    Reply
  12. Leanne says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    That Billy Squire video on further evidence is very disturbing – I couldn’t even watch it all.

    Reply
  13. Rusty says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Did you hear about the burglary at the funeral home? Cops figure it to be an open and shut case.

    Reply
  14. garrett says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    “probably dishwasher-safe” – classic.

    I thought this was hilarious: link – http://halfdillo.blogspot.com/2009/07/botched-let-courts-decide.html

    Reply
  15. kenju says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    I attended a funeral near Alkol, WV several years ago. The soloist came in in bib overalls, looking like a cross between the farmer he was and Porky Pig. A few people actually snickered, but when he started to sing – it was like Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent – he blew us away.

    Reply
  16. kristin says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    true story…..in high school a friend of mine lost her father when he had a heart attack in an airport. at the funeral they played his favorite song:

    “leaving on a jet plane”

    Reply
  17. Dan says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    That Billy Squire is quite a dancer! Sweet Jesus. Not one person involved with the production of that had enough sense to put on the brakes?

    Reply
  18. Shiny Rod says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    @ leanne – Billy Squire – Oh so 80’s glam, yuck!!!

    Reply
  19. Uncle_Wedgie says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Billy Squire, the most annoying voice evar

    Reply
  20. Shiny Rod says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    @ kenju – Jim Nabors has that same persona. He in looking like Gomer but when he sang, your jaw dropped and contrary to rumor, he is not gay.

    http://www.snopes.com/movies/actors/nabors.asp

    Reply
  21. JP says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    My cousin and I were pallbearers for my grandpa. We stood there somber and stoic. Then my cousin leaned over and said “I brought my pickup truck. I’ll haul Charlie to the cemetary for half price.” My aunts just glared at me as I tried to stifle the laughter.

    Reply
  22. AngryWhiteGuy says

    July 7, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    While living in North Carolina, in the mountains, among the Boo Radleys, I attended a funeral for the fifth husband of one of my co-workers. Her previous four husbands had all died of natural causes, as did this one.
    When looking at the body, I mentioned to another person standing there that Cal’s toupee seems to be floating on his scalp, in fact, sliding down a bit. The woman I told went to tell my co-worker, who flipped out in Granny Clampett style over the incompetence of the funeral home. She, being a short woman stormed toward the casket and tried to reach in to straighten the toup. She, in turn, leaned over too far and went ass up into the casket. A funeral worked helped her out and she proceeded to beat the bejesus out of him. As everyone began to file out, her son came crashing through the crowd and attacked the same funeral worker. Vases and flowers were flying everywhere, until the police, who were right across the street from the funeral home came and brought everything to order. My coworker then took a two week vacation and came back married to another future victim.

    Did you know- Slugs have 4 noses?

    On IPOD right now- “Murder”- David Gilmour

    Reply
  23. Blorch says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    Regarding the web site problems, it seems like you may be having problems with file permissions. On a Unix/Linux system (which most web servers are), each file has a set of security properties saying who can read, write, and execute it. When these attributes get messed up, you may not be able to replace or remove some files, and in some cases, not even see them.

    Even though you’re the owner of your account, your web hosting company is the owner of the actual computer system that your site is running on. If a file gets set up so that only this “real” system owner can do stuff to it, then things like this happen, hence the “you do not have permission” messages.

    You should probably just keep doing what you’re doing and bug your host until they fix it all, but I agree that this is some serious boolshit. No kind of hardware upgrade should mess with a user’s files.

    Just a professional nerd offering his best to guess as to what’s causing this particular brand of craziness.

    Reply
  24. Rick Sheridan says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Twit this popped right up. Cool. But couldn’t get it to actually tweet. Plus it would be nice to add a comment while tweeting. #almostthere.

    Reply
  25. fattie20xl / lucas says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    at my dad’s funeral the rabbi mistakenly called my sister “miriam”, “mildred”. which caused quite a chuckle…. this then led miriam’s son to ask who mildred was, and why she wasn’t there. and since my whole family is a bunch of bastards, and in honor of my dad’s fatkid-style stories we told the kid that mildred’s his real mother, and she’s a missionary in africa. who he thought was his mother was his aunt.

    imagine your mom, her 3 sisters and 4 brothers all confirming this… to an 8 year old.

    yeah… he cried!

    Reply
  26. retrollama says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    No funeral stories,sorry.

    Reply
  27. NDfaninAZ says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    I’ve only been to a handful of funerals. No stories.

    My best friend used to be in a relationship with a funeral director. They lived in the upstairs of the funeral home. No way would I be able to do that….creepy.

    Reply
  28. Gretchen says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    When I was at my paternal grandmother’s funeral many years ago I was confronted in the ladies room by a beastly old woman who cornered me and shrieked, “WHERE’S THE CORPSE!!??” Sort of a variation of “Where’s the beef?”, only not as cute. The funny part is, I was relating this story just the other day to my husband while we were walking through a nearby memorial garden. Apparently I shouted that line with far too much gusto and greatly disturbed nearby guests, who immediately broke down in tears and hightailed it back to their cars. Whoops. That bitch got me twice!

    Reply
  29. Gretchen says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Oh, and I also recently attended a funeral of a dear, dear man who went to his grave clad in his homemade Sci-Fi convention attire (that would be pseudo-Captain Kirk, not Klingon or anything super nutty like that). I was warned ahead of time, but I still almost lost it at the final pay-your-respects walkthrough. I’m sure that’s what he wanted to be buried in though, so bless his heart.

    Reply
  30. Alice in WV says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    funeral stories – I laugh at inappropiate times. can’t help it either, and the more I try the stop, the worse it gets. I have to excuse myself and leave.
    or I pretend I’m sobbing.
    … like I did when cousin Brenda leaned past me to speak to other cousin-more-like-a-sister Kathy and stuck her huge monsterous uncontained breastesus in my face. Cuz Kathy and I were already giggling over Cliffy Clavin showing up in his mailman uniform. I started laughing a little then I starting “sobbing” out loud. I even got a few pats on the back. awwkkwwward cause I don’t know for sure that I was fooling anyone. I was really loud.

    Reply
  31. Brynhildr says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    When I was around 16, and my best friend and I attended the funeral of a distant relative of hers. We were there only out of curiosity, to see what funerals were all about. There was no emotion involved. However, one of my friend’s great-aunts was particularly overcome with grief and began heaving and sobbing a few rows in front of us. With each sob, came a rapid succession of old-lady farts, which reverberated off the wooden pew and her fleshy backside. The sound was indescribable, almost unidentifiable. There was stunned silence as some tried to figure out what the noise was, while others giggled and wondered whether they were permitted to laugh, it bein’ a funeral and all. My friend and I, however, lost all sensibility. Yup, we were cryin’, but not for the deceased. It got to the point where I was a quivering heap, but hey, I was being fairly quiet about it.

    Some people looked around in disgust. Others got up and moved away from us. I was starting to feel bad about ruining the funeral for everyone when the stink finally wafted our direction, and suddenly it was clear we were not to blame. The most wretched geriatric ass stench permeated the air and lingered for a while, as if to punish us. Eventually, my friend started gagging and dry-heaving from the combination of stench and stifled laughter, which really only made me laugh harder. Then my friend busts out with the grand old line, “What crawled up her ass and died?” At that point, I hightailed it out of there before the deceased’s family threw me out.

    Reply
  32. DTO says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Funeral….mix up the letters a bit and you get…..REAL FUN!!!

    Me and Derf (Fred)…an ex road-rat, road roomie, drummer and one of my bestest of friends shared many, many good times and laughs through our years. I kinda remember the story he was telling as him, I and his wife Chris were standing about 20ft out there in front of my Moms eternal bed, in a very quaint. parlor style realfun room……laughing our asses off about something to to with his daughter’s birthday party. I mean……RIGHT THERE!! Couldn’t stop. And we were way old enough to know better. 40 or so….Mom would not have minded I’m sure. She was pretty cool and always, always liked real fun.

    Reply
  33. tiff says

    July 7, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    Funerals all suck, except for the ONE I didn’t go to where I could have looked an Uncle in his cold dead eyes and laughed at him being dead.

    Perhaps a good thing I didn’t go…have a feeling his family might have minded.

    I might have some anger issues.

    Reply
  34. bikerchick says

    July 7, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    When my husband suddenly passed away a few years back it was quite devestating not only for me but for the many, many friends he left behind. I warned the funeral director this would not be a “normal” funeral as there hundreds of people on bikes. (We had his harley displayed next to him).

    Everyone was a target for my husband’s sense of humor. He especially loved doing “burnouts” on his bike with the front tire in the front door of the shithole we frequented…..just to bust balls. Filled the entire bar with smoke that fucking stunk for the rest of the night.

    Well, over 300 friends/bikers attended his funeral all on bikes. After the service, the owner of the bar did a burnout right at the door of the funeral home as a final fairwell to his longtime friend. My best friends mother came up to us to warn us that, “One of your friends’ is out there burning his rubber”! We lost it! It was a much needed burst of laughter. My husband would have loved it.

    We had so many bikes in the precession, we had a police escort through town to the wake, blocking off all intersections to let us through. We loved it because everyone knew my husband never had a legal thought in his head. They probably did it so they could run out plate numbers…ha…

    Reply
  35. NDfaninAZ says

    July 7, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    The average American uses 57 squares a day and 50 pounds of toilet paper per year.

    Reply
  36. Shiny Rod says

    July 7, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    @ AngryWhiteGuy – Your not to far from me, I wander around Lake Lure every now and then when I’m not in Raleigh or Oceanside.

    @ Brynhildr – This so wrong but I am laughing my ass off. People a starting to stare at my office wonder what the hell is going on.

    Now playing on the iPod – “Give me the night” – Randy Crawford

    Reply
  37. trinamick says

    July 7, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    I’ve never laughed so hard at funeral stories.

    I went to a viewing once of a man I had worked with. He was not in the best shape, due to being a drunk and the fact his live-in beat the crap out of him regularly. But imagine my surprise when I got to the casket and didn’t recognize him. I thought maybe the funeral director was just a REALLY bad make-up artist. Just about then, they realized that the bodies had gotten mixed up between the two viewing rooms! No one else had recognized him either, but they were afraid to admit it.

    Reply
  38. Shiny Rod says

    July 7, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    Just a thought that came to me:

    Thomas von Aquin festgestellt, daß für jede Qualität (z.B. Güte, Schönheit, Kenntnisse) Es muß eine perfekte Standard, über all diese Eigenschaften werden gemessen.

    Now playing on the iPod – “When the cookie jar is empty” – Michael Franks

    Reply
  39. DTO says

    July 7, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    Hey Jeff….I just wanted to add that the ‘pinkies up’ photo added to yesterdays update was…wert die wartezeit…. Ah crap…..ich brauche mehr Bier!!…-d

    Reply
  40. Amy says

    July 7, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    years ago a friend’s neighbor passed. He was kind of a surrogate grandpa to her 5 or 6 year old and decided to take him to the funeral to pay his respects, but they didn’t take their younger son. The 6 year old was fixated on the bottom part of the casket. When they got home the following conversation took place:

    Younger son: what happens at a funeral?
    6 year old: (shrugs) I guess they cut off your legs.

    Reply
  41. ralph says

    July 7, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    2 pall bearer stories
    in this part wv the cemetarys are on steep hillsides

    1
    was pallbear on snowy day. everyone but 1 cousin had dress shoes on.
    only fred had tread on his shoes.
    needless to say while carring the dearly departed down slope to grave we all did a 180 degree spin with coffin with fred as anchor point
    then had to rotate coffin to orient the head in rite direction

    2
    on rainy day uncle b slid into grave because slick red clay mud on edge of grave
    preacher looked down at him and said”wait your turn”
    then we gave him a hand up out of grave

    Reply
  42. Taiwan On says

    July 7, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    Jeff – Maybe a better question is “How many funerals have you been to?” Cuz I’ve only been to two (in 50 years) and that seems a bit odd. And yet some of the Reporter comments seem to indicate that I am not alone in this lack of funeral attendance.

    Oh, and it’s Squier not Squire. For some gay reason.

    Reply
  43. Brynhildr says

    July 7, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    This isn’t a funny funeral moment, but it was odd. A couple years ago, a summer intern from work died in a fire. She had been out drinking with friends and when she got home, decided to fix something to eat. While the food was on the stove, she popped in a DVD, fell asleep, and due to the alcohol in her system, didn’t hear the smoke detector going off as the kitchen burned and died of smoke inhalation. At her funeral, her family played her favorite song, which as it turns out, was prominently featured in the movie she had started to watch just before the fire broke out. I thought it a bit creepy and noticed a few others at the funeral giving each other WTF? looks. I’m sure her family meant well.

    Reply
  44. djb says

    July 7, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    At my grandmother’s funeral, the new minister was saying a few words before the eulogy. He referred to Grandma’s “kindness”. People exchanged curious glances. Her mentioned her “generosity”. A couple of nervous coughs were heard. But when he talked about her “soft spoken nature” there was no holding it back. The entire congregation burst into loud laughter, and he turned bright red.

    “I guess you all knew her longer than I did,” he finally sputtered. But no mater, it broke the sombre mood and turned the rest of the day into a true celebration of her life.

    Reply
  45. Leanne says

    July 7, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    @Taiwan On – I can only think of three that I have been to and all were over 20 years ago. Hopefully I am not jinxing myself by putting that in writing. Except for immediate relatives I’m not that close to my family. I usually hear that someone died weeks after it happened as I don’t usually have families in the cities that I tend to dwell in.

    My grandmother who I was very close to, just passed away last year at 94 while I was in Australia, but we said goodbye the last time we saw each other knowing we wouldn’t see each other again.

    @Ralph – ‘wait your turn’ that’s so funny it’s not believable – but if it did happen, good on the preacher for making light of a terrible incident.

    Reply
  46. renn says

    July 7, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    I attended my first funeral when I was around 12 or 13. My great-uncle (whom I’d met maybe twice) had passed away. Attempting to follow the lead of others ahead of me, I stopped at the casket and peered in at him. Then my hand slipped in and touched him…and his skin was frozen. The fact that he was basically a corpsicle freaked me out so much that I began to giggle hysterically. This passed directly to my sister – and to my cousin behind her. We stood there, silently shaking, for at least 3-4 minutes. My dad, being a Daddy, rushed up thinking we were sobbing. He pressed our faces into his jacket and rushed us out of the funeral home…

    …only to hear us screaming with laughter as we hit the pavement.

    He was not amused.

    Reply
  47. Skippy says

    July 7, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    At my great uncles funeral my DEAF uncle and his DEAF wife went walking toward the front of the funeral home (viewings were in the back of the place) as they go walking past my mom looks at the 4 or 5 of us standing there talking and says “They (my DEAF aunt and uncle) need a QUIET PLACE TO TALK.” We all about shit the credenza we were laughing so hard.

    Reply
  48. Pagan says

    July 7, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    Dear Mrs. Kay,
    >
    >
    > Over the past six months, your
    >
    > husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate
    >
    > this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
    >
    > complaints against Mr. Kay are listed below and are documented by our video
    >
    > surveillance cameras.
    >
    >
    >
    > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of
    >
    > condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
    >
    >
    >
    > 2 . July 2: Set all the alarm
    >
    > clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
    >
    >
    >
    > 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato
    > juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
    >
    >
    >
    > 4. July 19: Walked up to an
    >
    > employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on
    >
    > it right away.’
    >
    >
    >
    > 5. August 4: Went to the Service
    >
    > Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
    >
    >
    >
    > 6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION –
    >
    > WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
    >
    >
    >
    > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the
    >
    > camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would
    >
    > bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
    >
    >
    >
    > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if
    >
    > they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people
    >
    > just leave me alone?’
    >
    >
    >
    > 9. September 4: Looked right into
    >
    > the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
    >
    >
    >
    > 10. September 10: While handling
    >
    > guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
    >
    > were.
    >
    >
    >
    > 11. October 3: Darted around the
    >
    > store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
    >
    >
    >
    > 12. October 6: In the auto
    >
    > department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of
    >
    > funnels.
    >
    >
    >
    > 13. October 9: Hid in a clothing
    >
    > rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
    >
    >
    >
    > 14. October 14: When an
    >
    > announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and
    >
    > screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
    >
    >
    >
    > And last, but not least ..
    >
    >
    >
    > 15. October 16: Went into a fitting
    >
    > room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s
    >
    > no toilet paper in here!’

    Reply
  49. Pagan says

    July 7, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    Happy Michael Jackson day!

    Reply
  50. Leanne says

    July 7, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    A glass of wine helped me become brave enough to watch a little more of that Billy Squiers video (still have gotten only halfway and I think that’s all I can do). I’ll bet this is something Richard Simmons watches first thing every morning…..

    Reply
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