I received an AARP card in today’s mail. A fucking AARP card! I thought that indignity wasn’t supposed to start until you turned 50? I’m not 50; there’s still time on the clock. Grrr… It went straight into the garbage, and hopefully one of those huge black birds will carry it off and drop it into Lake Wallenpaupack.
I do have a birthday coming up (tomorrow), but I’m not turning 50. Sheesh. I can just see me whipping that card out and asking for a senior coffee at McDonald’s, while sporting my Magnolia Thunderpussy shirt. The whole thing is ludicrous, and disappointing. I’ve never been more depressed in my life…
It’s true that my hair is turning gray and I’m starting to look like Orville Redenbacher’s fat and cynical brother. And now I’m receiving mailings from the seasoned citizen lobby?? “Join us, brother. Together we’ll keep those young whipper-snappers from getting too big for their britches…” WTF?!
I wish I had my twenties back. That’s where everything went off the rails for me. I’ve never fully recovered from my twenties, and the serial dipshittery of that era. I made bad decisions, approached things in a super-casual manner, and was fully… adrift. I also had no confidence or self-esteem, which held me back.
I listen to a great podcast by Marc Maron, who does in-depth interviews with comedians and writers, and other creative folks. It’s fantastic, and all of you should be downloading every episode. Seriously. It’s really, really good.
Anyway… the people he interviews usually tell a similar story. Sometime during high school, or the early college years, they decided they wanted to be a TV writer or a comedian, or whatever. And they just loaded up their piece of shit cars, and moved to Los Angeles or New York and went for it.
And that’s where confidence and self-esteem comes in handy. Not to mention balls. I had none of that, and just meandered through life. I dropped out of multiple colleges, drank copious amounts of Rolling Rock, and had absolutely no path forward. When I see someone who has their shit together during their twenties, I’m impressed. I feel like shaking their hands, and saying, “Good job.” But I know they’d just think, “Who’s this crazy old fuck?” and God knows I don’t need that.
Tomorrow’s my 49th birthday (holy crap nodules!), and I’m going to celebrate by working ten hours. But on Thursday I’m going clothes shopping. I need a full refresh of my so-called wardrobe. It’s way past due.
Toney was watching some unknown show a few days ago, and a woman was going to TRY to keep her fall wardrobe purchases below $2000. That was the reason for the show, to see if this person could actually pull off such a crazy thing. It’s a world I don’t live in, and have never visited… I’d be surprised if I’ve spent $2000 on clothes, across my entire life. And that’s not really a joke.
I’m in a cycle now where I’m sporting the same eight or ten shirts over and over and over again. And I need at least one more pair of jeans, and some new shoes. All my shit has been washed so often, it’s in a state of full-collapse. I also think I need a set of underwear suspenders, to keep my beleaguered britches from falling down. It’s a sad state of affairs, and I’m going to do a partial refresh on Thursday.
But I won’t be spending $2000, of that you can be certain. I’m thinking more along the lines of a hundred fitty bucks. Heh. Maybe they should do a reality show about that? “Next stop: Target. They’re a little pricey, it’s true, but I’m feeling spontaneous today!” Sweet sainted mother of Manny Sarmiento…
What’s the most expensive article of clothing you’ve ever purchased? Mine is probably a coat I bought from the Gap years ago, for $125. Crazy! What about you?
And hey, I apologize for this update, but you can blame it on the assholes at the AARP. I don’t like people who shift the blame, but in this case it’s warranted. I was in a semi-good mood until that jump-the-gun card arrived in the mail. Son of a bitch!
I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day.
Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he requires a beer.
Swami Bologna says
WB in OH says
Happy birfday, you old bastard!
Swami Bologna says
I hit the big five-oh this past summer. It’s the first age (number-wise) that has depressed me. I was fine with 30. 40 didn’t bother me a bit. But 50? That sucked (and sucks). When one turns 50, one must finally realize that, yes, you are old. So enjoy 49 while you can, Jeff. Savor every day of still being a relatively young fellow. ‘Cause in just one short year, you’re gonna officially be old.
Turned 40 with a vengeance (24 years ago). That was the only birthday that ever affected me. Have a good one, Jeff!
$2000 a SEASON for clothes? Who the hell is this sanctimonious bitch? Shit, I’m happy if I get the 10 pairs of Knee His (Leggs!) every 6 months. I’m delirious with an 8 pack of Hanes bikinis and socks from Kohls. The ass of my pants are shiny from over wearing/washing. I hate clothes shopping.
Jeff, don’t let the AARP junk mail get you down. That’s nothing. When you suddenly find yourself cutting “Oil of Olay Regenerist” coupons and thinking those Haband elastic waist polysester pants look like “a good deal” and a whiff of Harveys Bristol Cream gets you all a’giddy, then we’ll know you’ve crossed over into the “old fuck” stage.
When’s the last time anyone got ANY good news in the (actual) mail? Checks are direct deposited and everything else is by email. Postal mail is now the sole province of junk, bills and bad news.
Or maybe I’m just especially grumpy today.
Actually, I deal with a company that doesn’t do direct deposit. Every once in a while i get a check in the mail. It’s awesome. Like finding a fiver in last weeks pocket.
WB in OH says
I haven’t recieved good news in the mail since I cancelled my subscription to Playboy.
Which, of course, you read for the articles.
WB in OH says
Believe it or not…well, no but I did read quite a bit of it. After I noticed the “models” were consistently born after I gaduated high school, I cancelled and bought a Kindle.
I actually got a $140 check from a class action lawsuit against AMEX.
I just turned 39, and to me (at least right now) age is just a number, now that might change as I get older, but it doesn’t seem to.
The most expensive thing for me was a purse I got for 395. It was a big Coach bag, and we had some extra money, so I splurged.
Happy Birthday, don’t let the mailman get you down!!
most expensive clothing item was probably a north face coat for around $400, warm as hell tho, id be sweating in that thing in the middle of winter and i had it for about 10 years now and it still looks perfect.
Eugene B. Sims says
Jeff K and any other interested party… Check out the podcast I’m on. Find The Less Desirables on iTunes or at thelessdesirables.com
Give it a wiggle, won’t you?
The Qweezy Mark says
AARP, just another Liberal Lobby. I hope they choke on their fucking porridge.
Joe T. says
Said by a codger staring down the barrel of age 50.
The Qweezy Mark says
That didn’t even take as long as my dick.
40 didn’t bother me, but 41 did. Weird. Not looking forward to 51.
I’m bummed that I can’t find Levi 550 38/30 jeans any more. Plenty of 38/32, but what do I look like, a seamstress? I can’t be walking through rain and snow with the bottom 2 inches of my pant legs all wet and muddy.
JR in Sammamish says
Try JCPenny – that’s where we end up finding all kinds of sizes.
Sadly, no JC Penny up here in The Great White North.
I bought a $60 pair of pants.
Roundtree & York, from Dillards
Speaking of the shows, You can watch a great interview with Phil Hendrie – by way of Kevin Pollak’s show:
I think I started getting stuff from the old folks club when I turned 40, almost 6 years ago.
I also get car insurance stuff all the time in the mail. Which is odd – as I don’t own a car, or drive.
Got a big pop-up ad today from The Scooter Store, inviting me to call for a free mobility consultation. Hey, Scooter Store: Consult THIS!!
Blow me you sniveling kid.I’m 65 and even my mustache hurts in the morning.
Randall, I turned 65 last Friday, and luckily, nothing hurts yet.
Too much medication!
I have plenty of medication, but every morning everything hurts except my penis. I can’t feel that at all.
To be fair, my beard, which turned 40 this year, doesn’t hurt much, and not shaving every day reduces the onset of repetitive motion injuries to the rest of my body.
My beard is well into it’s 30’s. But I never considered the repetitive motion injury aspect of letting it grow, I just figure I’ve been able to squander all that razor blade money and free time. And I thanks to the combination of age, motorcycling incidents, and a former career in heavy civil construction the morning aches (now mostly at 8PM when I get up for work) greet me with alarming regularity. About the only thing left that has alarming regularity.
I’m wearing a dress shirt today that’s too small. So small I can’t really bend my arms. I should have protested this morning, but I was in a hurry and thought maybe I had put on some weight from Thanksgiving or something. But no, this shirt must have been from a couple of years ago. Rather than lose weight I buy bigger clothes. I could see spending $2,000 on clothes but it wouldn’t be a huge challenge to keep it below that. Certainly not tv worthy.
I had what you’re describing as “confidence and self-esteem” but in my case it was plain ole don’t give a fuck. I didn’t move around because I was a go getter. I moved around because I was insane. I took a whole different life direction several times on a whim, sort of. But it all worked out. Except we somehow ended up in North Alabama – I never would have planned something like that. I stopped being so willy-nilly when my wife started squeezing out kids like greased piglets.
We senselessly joined the AARP when after we turned fifty and I haven’t seen a single benefit to me. Maybe to the pulp paper industry for all the goddamn infernal mailings they send out-but nothing for me personally. I though I could get cheaper auto and homeowners insurance-cannot.
Wait, I do enjoy the magazines. But then again, I’ll read anything.
My grammar leaves a little to be desired today. Perhaps it’s the early onset Alzheimer’s with my advanced age and all.
I turned 50 yesterday. The AARP has been sending me stuff for the last year. I haven’t joined; I’m not quite ready for the Early bird special and the senior discount at the thrift store.
Alice in WV says
happy birthday, girlgoyle!
Happy Birthday girlgoyle!
Happy Birthday, Miss Goyle!
Makes you want to run right out and rent “Cocoon”, doesn’t it?
I turn 49 next Monday (Jesus – did I really just write that???!!!) and I’ve been told for years to expect to hear from those assfucks at the AARP beginning on that date.
Like Jeff once famously said (famous to me, anyway): “23 Skidoo. Fuck me.”
Oh – and “Sweet sainted mother of Manny Sarmiento”. Classic. And that’s a long reach back in to the Reds pitching staff from the late 70’s!
There isn’t any time to be dickin’ around!
Did you people have no sense of the inevitable impending doom on your life when you were in your 20’s?
You know you aren’t going to live past 92 right?
Holy crap. I need to be retired and out of the general workforce by the time I am 38, 40 tops. This is no holds barred kind of shit. I’m a couple years from 30 and I am what amounts to be the Deputy Vice Chancellor of a 13,000 student university. I’m gonna be pissed if I’m not straight up Vice Chancellor by 32.
Let’s say your first memory of intentionally taking action with purpose was when you were four. Then you have 14 years of school or strawberry harvesting. Then you go to school/more work until you are 60 or 70, and retire to be a Walmart greeter for 8 years. Then you DIE!? Screw that. I can’t deal with the idea of being on someone else’s schedule for all my life. And since I know I can’t do this shit out of the blue when I’m 70 I gotta get the work done and out of the way now. Sorta like doing your homework on Friday so you can screw around all weekend, but on a life size scale.
I can’t help but have my shit together. There are way too many things to do than sit in this windowless building for 40 years.
I treat this life like Super Mario Brothers. You can grind through every level and sub-level until you finally get to the princess and die. Or, you can hop some badass level-warp pipes, skip ahead, steal that bitch back from the giant frog and fuckstart her face her ‘till her lips are chapped and bloody.
I’ve been flying under the AARP radar for 15 years. Maybe they think I’m dead.
Alice in WV says
When we went to a water park last summer, we paid three different prices for our tickets: Senior for my husband, Adult for me, and child for our little’un. My husband had his drivers license out to prove it to the clerk, but ,sadly, she didn’t ask for it. He was bummed but we saved something like $6.
I just turned 49 in Oct and the number kinda bothers me a little.
Heck, Alice…when I first got married I had to pay adult price, but got my wife in for the kid price. Yeah, she was pregnant with another guys kid (he was in prison!), but she and her parents loved me!
Jeff…I feel your pain. I am 48 as well. Not only do I get emails from AARP, I have (for the past year) been getting emails from “The Scooter Store”. Those mofo’s email me at least once a week to purchase the very motorized carts I mock when I see a bowling-ball-with-legs riding one at the grocery store.
The first time I got one of those emails, I stood motionless with my piehole hanging open. I was flabbergasted to say the least. The boyfriend, however, thought it was hysterical. Yeah. Funny.
For me, clothes shopping is right up there with changing the cat’s litter box. And here’s why…
1. Clothing designers’s only make clothes for telephone poles with tits. No one designs clothes for women with a figure. 2. Every dressing room is approximately 110 degrees. So by the time I walk out of there, I’m sweating balls. 3. Nothing fits…see #1. 4. When I finally do find something I like, the size/color I need is usually no where to be found. Therefore, I usually walk out with nothing after wasting countless hours looking for shit that doesn’t exist. 5. I refuse to pay the ridiculous prices for something that can’t be worn again after the first washing.
I spent $165 on a pair of jeans. A friend recommended them to me because of their “great fit”. So like an asshat, I bought them. The stitching fell out of the back pocket design after the about a month. Never again.
I have only been clothes shopping once in the last 3 years. I will by stuff on the internet, but I would rather be beaten about the head and shoulders with a broom than go to a fat shop, and that, unfortunately, is where the clothes my size are located. Buying clothes online is a crapshoot, but it beats the real life experience.
Yep 50 hit me in 2010, the first B-day to bother me…the AARP offers now come weekly….most I ever spent was $250 for a custom made Leather Blazer in 1979, I was young, single. Now a growl if I pay $10 for a T-shirt or more than $15 for a pair of jean….geez!
Big Bear in OH says
I have a pair of Tony Llama boots that cost more than a truck payment…that’s ridiculous, but I didn’t pay for them (Thanks for the Graduation Present Mom and Dad!) and a couple of sets of camo that set me back a pretty penny, but apparently disguise the smell of beef jerky and beer to forest critters long enough to let me shoot them. Other than that, it’s carhartt and wranglers all year long, with some Columbia Fleeces for the winter and flannel thrown in, so 2 grand would probably be hard to spend on that stuff (and I’d need a forklift to get the amount of socks I’d buy out the door.)
I think I was 28 the first time I got mail from AARP. (grrr)
Most expensive clothing item? $500 wedding dress, with about $100 for alterations and probably less than $100 for accessories.
Off topic but I am having an issue with a relative and I believe this is a good place to vent/ ask for advice…
I had a great weekend, despite my weird Jehovah aunt dropping in uninvited and unannounced at 10am Saturday morning, staying until noon and expressing her wish to go home for lunch and come back to my house in the afternoon. I gave her a ride home (she takes the bus) and told her she couldn’t come back as I had plans with my daughter. So she showed up, uninvited and unannounced, at 10am Sunday morning. I don’t want to be rude and it’s great that she wants to spend time with my daughter but this is too much…she is the type of relative where twice a year visits are more than enough.
Don’t you have locks on your doors? Use them. Ignore anybody at the door who you do not wish to deal with. Works for me.
Just tell her you’re converting to Judaism. She’ll leave you alone. Or have some fun and have a pentagram of lit candles next time she drops by and a wineglass full of Sangria that looks like blood.
Judaism, shmudaism. How about Satanism.
Eh. It costs too much to accessorize when you’re in to Satanism.
@Alex, I’m with you but it is my daughter that answers the door. Daughter is too gabby for her own good, I can’t very well teach her how important it is to tell the truth one minute and then expect her to hide from family and lie about it the next.
She used to drop in when I lived at a different place with a roomate about 6 years ago. One afternoon, we were drunk and watching a Judas Priest concert DVD and it still didn’t faze her. We poured her a drink and she sat down with us.
To her credit, she doesn’t push the religion. She’ll mostly only talk about it if you ask her. She is just odd and wacky, as if she spent 25 years being brainwashed in a cult, ahem. She fawns over my eleven year old daughter, tries to converse with her, strokes her hair and treats her like a little doll. It is a fine line between cute and creepy.
Son of Sam says
I like good shoes. Born or Johnson Muphy cost a couple hunert. But they are worth every penny. Just like good hunting boots. The rest is levis or carhart. I’m 52 and I can feel the fuck it attitude coming on strong..I kind of like it. Beats the alternitive huh?
My work boots are the most expensive thing I purchase. Fortuneatly, work kicks back some bucks for safety footwear allowance.
Magnolia Thunderpussy is the best cd/record store I have ever been to. And one of the last standing! We drive to Columbus just so I can brouse and actually look at cd’s and records real time! I buy at least 100 bucks worth when I go there. Cleveland still has a CD record store called My Mind’s Eye that is pretty good , Finders in Bowling Green Ohio is awesome too!
The most expensive clothing I ever bought was a $200.00 black pants outfit for my Mom’s funeral. I just could not try to shop for bargains at that time. I also paid $70.00 for an embroidered Opeth zip up hoodie which I have worn for five years now. I’m 52 and still feel like a young person….in my mind! I say we are bikers without a bike!
You’re old and pizza is a vegetable.
…you’re welcome. 🙂
jim britton says
Happy birthday, Jeff!
I turned 50 in February and the AARP constantly sends me their literature.
I’m 53, so AARP has been mailing me kindling for a while now. I won’t be joining until the benefit outweighs the cost, which it hasn’t so far.
My most expensive garment was a $500 leather motorcycle jacket. Not Harley-style poseur-wear, but a nice Hein Gericke made of very heavy leather, which would actually offer some protection against road rash. Had a zip-out lining for cold days, but no respite for hot days.
Harley clothing is RIDICULOUSLY over priced. 65 bucks for a woman’s T shirt…and that’s a plain shirt without a crazy design.
They’ve also brought themselves into the 21st century and started making women’s shirts LONGER instead of the short belly shirts of the 80’s….which is usually what they turn into once washed. And, trust me, I do not know one “biker” chick I hang out with that should be wearing a belly shirt. But still do.
bikerchick…have you ever been through the Harley Museum in Milwaukee? It is really cool, although light on Evel Knevel stuff. I was there a couple years ago on their night where everyone brought their Harleys. In the midst of a parking lot full of Harleys, this teenage kid comes ripping through on a Honda MX bike doing a wheelie the whole time, even around the turn. People were so pissed, but I was thinking “That was ME at that age!”
“who wants to be 90 years old”?
“nearly every person 89”!
You are suppose to get old; the alternative is not good. The AARP junk mail are your ‘prizes’. I advise never to join.
I do not buy my own cloths; I am cheap and I have no sense of style. Plus it gives my girls something to buy for gifts during the year.
Pretty much my entire wardrobe comes from Costco, Target and DSW. Also, work provides company-logo shirts which I wear when going to a job site.
Also, my mood has degraded since this morning. On the way home from work today, a See You Next Tuesday in a 10-year-old Nissan flew out of the Wendy’s drive-thru on my right, turning left across my path. I was not able to stop in time and punched her in the left rear tire. Nobody hurt, but it pisses me off to have to spend another kilobuck out of pocket two weeks after getting the car out of the body shop from last month’s SUV Scumbag encounter. And I am NOT the kind of person who gets into accidents; last month was the first one in many years.
That blows, chill. I would be jacked off too. Glad you’re ok though.
That sucks BIG TIME.
My boss got a promotion this past April and a month ago went out for the first time in his life and splurged on an Audi. Had a flat – brings it in – gets it fixed. that night, walking out to the parking lot his friggin’ bumper is lying on the ground. Some airhead slammed into him doing $4500 worth of damage.
We’re having an exorcism for him when he gets it out of the shop!
Holy fuckin’ hell. I know how it sucks taking damage right after you got the car fixed, but it’s even worse on a *nice* car.
For the exorcism, make sure you get the right candles and hire the correct shamans.
Probably the $1200 hand-made ostrich boots. But divide that by the 20 years I’ve worn them, and it’s only $30 a foot.
Aw shit. I’m starting to sound like my wife.
Happy birfday Jeff. Feel the same way about the twenties. At 53 I have neve been better and it ain’t because of Jebus or sobriety. We all go throughthis shite
Being from Alaska and spending Summers in the Lower 48, most of my purchases are vacation clothes. I once went to a doctor in New York who during the examination asked if I were shooting IV drugs. I said, “No.” And she said, well, why are you wearing a long sleeve shirt?” Me: Uhhhh, because I live 100 miles south of the Arctic Circle, and when I come down here, my wardrobe is a bit limited.”
Biggest purchase was probably a pair of plastic ice climbing boots on sale for $100. Second was an $80 leather jacket from Wilson’s at the Grand Central Mall in Parkersburg back in 1985.
My wife and daughters drop money on unneeded clothes left and right.
I have a pair of shoes that cost ~$1000 and I’ve had them for 16 or 17 years now. Amortized that’s not so bad, and I don’t look like I buy shoes from the clearance rack at Kohls when I wear them.
I’m 40 in 4 months. Shit.
i buy 1 pair of decent jeans every two years and copious amounts of white hanes t-shirts.
The rest of my clothes are basically for work only, nicer pants and button down shirts and stuff. Bought the most expensive thing ive ever bought recently, a $200 pair of shoes. I agonized over spending that much for a month and returned them yesterday. yea, im mental
Happy B-day, JK! I have used my AARP several times and feel like it was owed to me for working for da man for 37 years. Take what they give ya, I always say.
I wear the same clothes I wore 15 years ago.
Wait till you start getting the “Singles Over 50” e-mails and in the ad portion of Facebook. Sheesh.
Save that card. Hotel rates are good. Heh.
Well I am 39 and keep receiving emails for hip replacement! My hips work just fine thank you very much! My hubby is younger than me and he gets retirement magazines for the “mature” person. PISSES HIM OFF! 🙂 I find it quite comical.
Don’t feel bad Jeff, I get letters from AARP and Scooter Store letters all the time and I just turned 26.
Happy Birthday, Jeff!