Hey, remember last week when I was bragging about actually following through on my plan to go to West Virginia over the weekend? Yeah, it didn’t happen. However, it wasn’t my fault. Not really.
I was all set to go, with Friday and Monday scheduled off from work. The younger boy was going to go with me, and I’d successfully steered the proceedings in a direction that put food and beverages front and center. There was talk of taking a speedboat down the New River, or some such nonsense. But I’d convinced everyone that we should just keep it simple and focus on a lot of eating.
Then, on Wednesday afternoon my boss told me not to forget to have my “midyears” completed before I left on Thursday. Huh? Midyears? I didn’t even know what that meant. I couldn’t remember ever hearing that phrase before, at least not in the context she was using it.
Turns out, it required a CRAZY amount of effort. I worked on it off and on Thursday night, and got 4 out of 25 completed. So, I had to call my parents and let them know a Friday departure was not in the cards. But, I told them we could come on Saturday, and stay until Tuesday. I’d just rearrange my days off a bit.
“Umm…” my Dad began, after I’d floated that alternative itinerary. Turns out, they already had other visitors scheduled to arrive on Monday evening. So, screw it. We just scrubbed the whole thing.
And my hands are clean. Right? What’s your ruling on this matter? I’m in the clear, aren’t I? I desperately need your approval. I get accused of things, ya know? Usually not right out in the open air. But the accusations are there. Oh, they’re there, real good.
On Friday I arrived at my job around 1 pm, and did nothing but those midyears. I barely moved from my desk, and finally got finished at 11:40 pm. Around 10 o’clock I began to lose the ability to tell the difference between reality and the thoughts inside my head, and consequently came very close to shitting myself. At 11 or so, I was barely holding back the tears.
I’m not kidding, it was one of the most tedious slogs I’ve ever encountered. And I wasn’t alone. Most of the other supervisors were there too, typing and grumbling away. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase “This is fucking bullshit” that evening, I could take my family out for a nice dinner.
Oh well. It goes with the territory. What are you gonna do? I took today off anyway, and that’s nice. However… it’s getting hot again. Last week was perfect, and now we’re back in the devil’s peehole. I thought (hoped) we were over the heat & humidity hump for the year. Now this. Grrr…
You know what bugs the crap out of me? Well, quite a few things, to be honest. But I’ll fill you in on two of my freshest annoyances, and turn it over to you guys. How’s that sound?
Good Morning America When I got up (way too early) today, that program was on in the living room. Toney was getting ready for work, and was in and out of the room. I flopped down in a chair with a cup of coffee, waiting for the reanimation to take hold.
And every time I’m exposed to GMA, I simply can’t believe it. There’s a lot of shit on TV, it’s well-known. But GMA must be at or near the top o’ the shit heap. It’s horrible.
The hosts are all generic and not at all memorable. None of them have even a hint of edge to them, and really need to cut back on the 5 Hour Energy shots. They ask obvious questions, and don’t allow a full answer before they start in with the next obvious question. And there are a lot of idiotic YouTube videos of people being chased by bears, or cats wearing costumes. And endless coverage of depressingly-bad “musicians” and smug actors who need a swift knee to the ‘nads.
And George Stephanopoulos! The man has no discernible sense of humor. He’s one of those guys who has observed people with senses of humor, and is trying his best to imitate them. Plus, he’s all smirky and oh so correct. In fact, everybody on the show is oh so correct.
Everything about it annoys me. I’m thinking about going to NYC soon, worming my way up to that Today Show-ripoff glass backdrop, and pressing my naked ass against it. Hopefully while they’re doing a story about body-shaming, or some fraudulent 9 year old who supposedly gave up his birthday presents — all on his own — to help combat feet cancer, or whatever the fuck.
Yeah and I should do it soon too, before the high-humidity goes away, so I can leave a big ass ‘n’ sac print on the glass. “Cut to Camera Two! Cut to Camera Two!! Christ, will somebody grab some rags and Windex?!”
Jauntiness among young athletes I watched a lot of the Little League World Series over the past couple of weeks, and am always amazed how good (and freakishly large) those kids are. More power to ’em. They should all be proud of their achievements, and I take nothing away from them.
However… I’m not a fan of all that fist bumping, and chest slamming, and up high down low bullshit. There was one team, Texas I think, that took things WAAAAY too far in that regard. As they were being announced at the beginning of the game they each ran out and did a bunch of choreographed nonsense that caused my molars to grind. What is this, baseball or a Jackson 5 concert? It made me hope for, and celebrate, the team’s defeat. Is that wrong?
And you know adults were behind it. No way kids would come up with all that canned garbage on their own. Oh sure, they might imitate Major Leaguers and their mannerisms. But this wasn’t that. This was something they had to rehearse. It was ludicrous.
Now I’m going to turn it over to you folks. If you have any fresh annoyances you need to vent about, now’s your chance. Use the comments section.
And I’ll see you again soon.
Have a great day!
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I totally agree…morning news shows make me bark at the TV like a dog watching “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” or something! My wife makes me change the channel every time I’m ranting and foaming at the mouth at the “news.”
The GMA rant was awesome. This is the kind of writing we have been missing. “Big ass ‘n’ sac print”. LMAO!
As far as your attempted visit, you are in the clear.
Does anyone else hear Cat Stevens?
Unfortunately shit happens and keeping your family fed, clothed, housed, and educated have to come before seeing the folks. Your boss “Lumbergh-ed” you, the bastard. You are absolved.
But that’s just one more reason I have no desire to join management. I come in, try not to kill anyone, and go home.
I haven’t watched GMA since Katie Couric left (plus I have a different schedule). But I have seen a few things with Matt Lauer and that douche is number 2 on my list of celebrities I’d punch if given a consequence free chance to do so.
I read some article a while back that said NBC loves GMA because it’s cheap to produce. And of course you get what you pay for.
Oh, I’m bein’ followed by a moonshadow,
moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin’ on a moonshadow,
moonshadow, moonshadow
Who’s number one on your list?
Barbara Striesand
You are innocent of guilt on the trip being canceled. I’m sick and damned tired of American Indians right now. They’re on my shit list.
I think you’re supposed to say ‘Native Americans’ now. I hear what you are saying though: All that “Don’t litter or you’ll make me weep” stuff is a little over the top.
I think that was in like 1969. You guys carry a hell of a grudge.
jtb
That actor was Italian, and the tear was not a tear. Nothing is real.
http://www.snopes.com/movies/actors/ironeyes.asp
Seppellire il mio cuore ferito al ginocchio.
I’m with ya on the GMA hosts. I like Robin Roberts. I do. She is sincere and her interviews aren’t bad. But I quit watching because I Cannot. Stand. Lara Spencer. CAN’T STAND!! I didn’t like her when she was on Entertainment Tonight. She can’t put a patch on Robin Roberts ass. She tries to be funny and hip and fails miserably in both departments. GMA must have been desperate to hire that bimbo.
I only watch morning TV when I am waiting on the bus in the wintertime. It’s the only time I don’t leave the house early. Anyhow – I started watching some morning CNN show last winter. It seemed to be about the same as you said. Although – I have to admit I have a thing for Michaela Pereira. I guess they must pay those people a lot of money to get up at 3 a.m. or whatever and be on the air that early.
On GMA. Here’s the irony. I met one of the producers in DC this summer because a friend is a freelance for them. He is a delight. What happens in front of the camera doesn’t capture the charm behind it. But I would observe we are not in the target audience if the best segment we could ever imagine is that sweaty ass scene.
Look, if you are going to plaster your ass on the glass, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know in advance so I can Set my DVR and tell all my cool friends.
I think you are in the clear in the trip thing – job shit happens, and corporate gives no fucks about the lives of employees. Catch 22.
My fresh annoyance? I attended a BBQ fest over the weekend, where they had extremely limited food due to selling out of so much. So my family couldn’t eat. I made a polite statement via social media, telling them we had to leave due to lack of food (the only reason we went) and thus received a shitstorm of haters telling me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, not to say it. What. The. Fuck.
Keyboard cowboys. It’s like no one can have an actual opinion about something.
“Oh man, today was so hot…”
“IF U DON”T LKE TEH WEATHER, Y DON’T U MOVE?”
“dont hat the wetherman. hes just doeng his job””
“Stay inside u pussy! LOL”
“‘Murica!”
Repeat.
You get a pass on the visit to your folks. I just pushed back a week to see my 100 (we,, 99-1/2) year old grandma in Hospice care. I was all set to go tomorrow after jumping through hoops coordinating this and then my cousin basically tells me she isn’t exactly on her death bed. SO – whew. Tomorrow’s trip would have been a miracle to coordinate.
I watch the local ABC news but as soon as they say “Let’s check in with Robin on what’s coming up on GMA” both Beloved and I make a dive for the remote. My husband can’t stand all that live audience WOOT WOOT WOOTY shit and he’s sick of the attention Robin Roberts gets. Fuck her and her bone marrow. We’ve switched to CBS and Charlie Rose. Not a fan of Gayle King but it beats the ABC crew.
Why do all of these (ahem) journalists feel the need to add a little something after every story. “John Smith was able to fight off the great white and is recovering at Ball Sack Hospital” cut to the news crew and some jack off is bound to add “That must have been terrifying” while sucking in their teeth and shaking their head. OF COURSE IT WAS TERRIFYING. The ocean also turned shit brown as well as blood red that day.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…
Sometimes the best laid plans turn to a pile of turds. Today, for example, I was supposed to play golf in a Tri-State PGA Pro Am tournament outside of Weirton, WV at a super nice country club. But the Boss put a big old “hell no” on those plans because it’s the last day of sales for the month.
So, instead of having a good day of fun in the sun accompanied by some frosty cold adult beverages, my ass was firmly planted in an office chair, cranking out paperwork. Oh, it’s been soul crushing and joyless…
My freshest annoyance is people bitching about their car’s mechanical problems when they didn’t purchase an extended service contract and now it’s too late.
“I paid over $35,000 for the car. I don’t think I should have to pay for repairs.”
‘You’re out of warranty and have no extended coverage.’
“Well, I didn’t think I needed one at the time.”
‘Well, that’s why we sell them. And you’re going to have to pay.’
“This is bullshit!”
‘Yes. It is.’
Not your fault. Find out about any other surprise reports you didn’t know about?
Morning shows are there for when you are running around and only spend a fraction of a second taking a glance at the tv or hearing what they are sensationalizing. Definately not sit down and watch fare.
If you do go ahead with planting a set of ass cheeks on the glass, let us know.
Jeff, you’re totally in the clear on this one. But plan another trip soon-ish. Your parents will be around forever, until one day they’re not.
I haven’t watched morning TV in decades, and maybe not ever GMA. Who has time for that shit? Doesn’t seem like I’ve missed much.
.
GMA is not allowed in our house. Robin fawns over guests and stories so much she just comes across as a phoney or total asskisser. Hate her.
I was never into the morning shows at all, when I watched TV. In fact, when I was in the military overseas, if we saw a morning news show come on AFN, we were in trouble, because that meant we were late!
Reading stories and comments like these kind of make me wonder what I am missing, but then the feeling passes very quickly. I am so glad I don’t pay for cable, or watch a lot of television any more. I do have Netflix (and I don’t even watch that a lot), and will download anything else I want to watch that’s not on there, but other than that, I don’t watch TV, nor do I miss it. In fact, the only show I am currently still invested in is South Park. The last few years, whenever I see a new movie on Netflix, I think to myself “how did I miss that?” and then I remember it’s because I am not bombarded by fucking commercials all the time. And it feels good.
Oh, I do watch the Tour de France live every year. But that’s it.
He’s in the fucking Hall of Fame; his number was retired the year after he was traded; he won 20 or more games six times (mostly for a losing team); his BASKETBALL team beat most comers and played against the Harlem Globetrotters. At least give the man a little peace in the mornings of his retirement. He’s earned that much and more.
As for the people who get up early to impersonate your extended family to make you feel less alone in the world: either sop up their crap or turn off the television. Complaining about something you’re not in any way compelled to watch seems a little like howling at the moon. Perhaps you’re not in their demographic. God help you if you are.
I use the Garroway rule of thumb for morning television. If I turn it on and it ain’t Dave Garroway, I turn the fucker off. Give me J. Fred Muggs or give me nobody whatsoever.
And for the sake of a gracious and glorious God, get off my lawn.
John
Are you talking about George Stephanopoulis?
I’ve wandered off the path that led to this comment, I think.
Robin Roberts – the original.
John
And while I’m here trying to figure out the world, I need some help from the guitar playing Reporters . . . Jeff generously provides us with three large embedded photos today: In the Jacksons’ composite, what chord is the Jackson on the far left (don’t know whether it’s Elwood or Jake) playing? I know there’s a chord where you bar the first fret with your thumb and use your four fingers to press the same string, but I forget which chord it is.
jtb
Someone is going to call it an F major bar chord with a Hendrix-style thumb wrap…except they will likely spell it “barre.”
Me? I think he’s just holding it like an asshole and nervously swaying back and forth while hiding behind the Jackie O sunglasses he stole from my mother, scanning the room for surprise ambush right hooks from Joe.
I believe that Elwood is the high-kicking one wearing the pimp hat.
not in the clear. Yes, work is important. No, not as important as family. period.
In the clear on the family thing – you tried to adapt and their schedule had a variance, not yours.
I can’t watch GMA without being heavily medicated and wearing sunglasses to protect my eyes from all the tooth-whitened smiles.
Newly annoyed by big pharma commercials lousy with has-been actors and athletes. Enough already.
I’ve had to back out of family stuff before, and it was no damn fun. Would be even less fun for the reason you cite. Still, I’d give you a pass.
Fresh annoyances? The person at facilities where I work doing the sloooooow downgrade of offerings at our in-house cafe. Jeez, just shut it DOWN already instead of raising the prices, lowering the variety, and getting rid of our beloved free fountain sodas. It’s a dreadful adventure to go down there. One day, if memory serves, what’s left of our salad bar didn’t have….salad. Just the toppin’s.
Oh, that and the sound of a cat cleaning itself. Yuck.
Relax man. You tried to reschedule and move the days around. Your folks did you a favor actually. Imagine how you would have felt when they told you check out time was, “O Nine Hundred Sharp”, Monday and how they had to get the room ready for their next guests. They would have also asked you not to turn down the bed and just sleep on top the covers so they wouldn’t have to wash the sheets for their Monday 2 o’clock.
As for the “Midyear Report”…you should remind your ‘boss’ that this is two months past mid-year.
“Oh, and about those Midyear Reports? I think I’m gonna have to go ahead and not do those. Ya see…it’s not mid year any more and I’m already busy with Bourbon season coming up. So if you could just go ahead a go fuck yourself…that would be great. Yeah…”