I read a lot of Amazon customer reviews, due to my non-stop Suggestaholic trolling. And most people are sensible; I don’t want to oversell it. But there are a lot of dumbasses and dipshits, as well. I know that statement might knock your world clean off its axis, but I believe it to be true. Oh, I’m a pioneer thinker when it comes to such things.
Some evidence: People who don’t understand they’re supposed to review the book or the DVD, or the Fleshlight or whatever. But they post something like… “Package arrived promptly, in wonderful shape.” Dumbass! It’s late 2015. Do you not understand how the internet works yet?
Or even worse: the people who give an item one star, because the package arrived a day later than promised. So, some poor bastard spends a year writing a novel, and it’s trashed with the lowest possible rating, because there’s a lazy mail sorter in Davenport, Iowa. Seems fair.
Also, there are a lot of people who think they’re journalists now. “The Beatles were a stupendously popular rock band of the 1960s, who got their start in Liverpool, England.” No shit? Well, thank you for the backstory, whistle-dick. Your knowledge is impressive. Some might even say stupendous.
Whenever I see a review that starts with “I don’t have the words…” I move on. You know, since they’ve already told us they’re not up to the task.
And there’s no shortage of hyperbole at Amazon. “Kenny G is the greatest musician this world has ever seen. In fact, we can probably expand that out to the solar system. I know, I know… Miles Davis and John Coltrane usually get higher marks from the critics. But, with all due respect, they’re 100% wrong.”
Then, those same people often end their reviews with a super-snobby “It’s that good,” or some variation thereof. I’d like to do a scan of the entire Amazon website, and find out how many times “It’s that good” appears there. It must be millions. It ranks right up there with “‘Nuff said.” The self-proclaimed final word on the subject. Shitheads.
Also, the people who are going to finally set us straight. Their reviews generally start with “OK, here’s the deal…” Thank god! We can finally mark paid to the great moisture-wicking sock debate of ’15. Carl, an intern at Tayback Industries in Fudgetunnel, Indiana, has thrown down the gauntlet on that deal. Fuck off, Carl.
And we can’t leave out the “I’m certainly no prude” folks. They’re no prudes, but everything offends them. It’s interesting how that works, isn’t it? Whenever somebody says “I’m no prude,” prepare for prudishness. “I’m certainly no racist” works the same way. Except in that case you’ll also get “I don’t care if you’re black, white, purple, or green.”
Or the political crazies! That brand of insanity runs deep, my friends. People could be reviewing a Flintstones DVD box set and turn it into a rant against the Koch Brothers or Barack Obama. Both ends of the spectrum are equally guilty, and it’s an amazing thing to behold. Man, what a perpetually angry and unhappy group. Wow.
I know this one is a long-shot, because most of you probably don’t spend as much time reading Amazon reviews, on high alert for infractions against the code. But, what other things annoy you about customer reviews?
And just to hedge our bets here, feel free to include blog comments and Facebook posts. Whatever.
I’ve got to go to work now. I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have a great day!
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I cannot possibly be first.
Holy shit! I really am first! My first “first” post!
*clap clap clap clap* congratulations!
Now, about those Amazon reviews … I put no stock in them, whatsoever.
Here’s the deal, the idea that “there are a lot of dumbasses and dipshits” in the world is just Obama or the Koch brothers boogeymen (or both) pulling the wool over your eyes. I’m definitely no prude or racist but the smoking fish looks like it’s performing oral sex on that cigarette. Plus the fish looks both black and Jewish somehow. ‘Nuff said about that.
I am also annoyed that your site loads quickly on Firefox at my office computer over broadband, but very slowly on my Netscape-enabled computer at home over dial-up. Please fix.
“First” posters and vague “Prayers Needed” facebook posts deserve ball cancer.
Hey……
Enjoy your moment Miss Q.
Jeff – What about the reviews about the sugar free gummy bears? That usually the one sort I read – funny ones. Although – since I still buy cds – I sometimes look at what people say about the sound of a re-master. I have had some bad luck with delivers this summer. I started having stuff sent to work – due to theft. And stuff still came up missing.
The Amazon reviews are probably akin to the Yelp restaurant reviews where everyone thinks they’re some sort of food connoisseur. Especially if they’re rating an Olive Garden or Red Lobster.
“The service was terrible!” Yeah? That’s because some 17 year old who has a geometry final tomorrow really doesn’t give a shit about your eggplant rollatini.
And a lot of these so in love with themselves nimrods on Facebook have a fixation with the word amazing. Every goddamn moment of their lives is amazing. I call bullshit.
‘Nuff said.
I
You are so painfully correct!
There are also the people who “adore” everything. Dear god I hate them so.
I just choked on my Panda Express, and got some funny looks from the other mall patrons because I’m laughing so hard.
Please start a YouTube channel.
Was your meal amazing? How come you didn’t post a picture of your Chop Suey on FB?
Because he posted it on Instagram where it belongs!
Look for the absurdly overpriced cables for the most hilarious Amazon reviews. I still wonder if anyone has ever spent thousands on an HDMI cable.
I got a $16 one at Best Buy and everyone says (unsolicited) that the picture is fantastic on my 4 year old Panasonic LED TV. This includes people who I know have mega audio/video systems. Amazing the bullshit that is out there. I guess it may make a difference for gamers but I prefer to be a swordsman.
You have to wade through some shit to find actual good, helpful reviews. Some of my favorites are the people that review a book or movie, not the actual product. Also not having bought it from Amazon, buying it from somewhere else. Grrrr! I’m already grinding my teeth in anger.
I also get annoyed at Amazon, who apparently doesn’t give two shits about customers, as a movie review will have the Beta, VHS, Laserdisc, DVD, and Blu Ray all mixed in under the same product! I don’t have time to sift through 500 reviews, some of which are a review of the actual movie like they’re fucking Siskel & Ebert, to find the product reviews and descriptions of what’s all on the BD.
Now I just mostly look at one or two pages each of the five star and one star reviews. I like that balance.
For a good laugh got to Amazon and look up Silkies. They are a type of sheer, green running shorts made popular by the US Marine Corps. They are similar to running shorts from the ’70’s but we Jarheads made sur to wear thwm a size to small. The reviews are hilarious, mostly from current and former military personnel. Ps, the black ones are known as Ranger Panties…
I am really not good at typing on my phone, sheesh…
That makes me think of the film Heartbreak Ridge.
The amazon reviews for the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer are genius:
http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII/ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1441912291&sr=1-1&keywords=hutzler+571+banana+slicer
They must have added the Customer Questions and Answers section recently,as I’ve never seen these before. Here’s a goodie:
Q: I bought one of these and from the day I set it down in my kitchen, my bananas have stopped talking to me. What now?
A: Gather all the bananas around the table. Try to figure out who their leader is. Then ever so slowly peal it and set it on the table. Tell the bananas that there is going to be an adjustment in attitudes, that things need to get back to normal. Then in a swift motion, use the slicer on the ringleader. Then without saying a word, get up and walk away, leaving the bananas to stare at their once proud leader. Things will return to normal real fast.
If there was a steady stream of that brilliance, I’d frequent amazon more than the Onion.
THAT was hilarious!
I’m no racist prude, and I’m not going to blame the Koch Brothers, but Amazon bugs the crap out of me to rate my experience and review items I’ve bought. If I’ve ever offended by getting the two mixed up, mea culpa! Here’s the deal, Amazon needs to stop pestering the Hell out of buyers to rate crap. And always pushing “Mandingo” on Blu-Ray.
No shit. Every time I buy something on amazon, it’s followed up by an email of the form “$NAME, did ‘$PRODUCT’ meet your expectations? Review it on Amazon.com”. I also get “Can you answer this question about $PRODUCT?” They even want me to review the damned packaging. At some point one thinks GFYS. I do, after all, have other responsibilities. Some of which I get paid a little for.
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I love the questions. Will this mole killer kill gophers too? Does this ream of printer paper work in Epson XXXX printer?
How ’bout the dicknards who review something before they ever even receive it? “This album is going to be the best one ever because band blah blah blah rocks my socks!”
This post was good and I would recommend it for others. The font was clear to read and it scrolled well on my Android, which is less arrogant than you’re stupid iPhone.
“you are stupid” iPhone? You can blame GW Bush for making that level of dumbassery acceptable.
Even the Koch brothers know better than that.
Oh look, a $100 iPencil!!!
(I have two iPads that I adore, haters be damned)
Jeff, I just wanted to let you know, since we’re on the topic of Amazon that I used your affiliate link for the first time the other day to buy my wife a phone. I’m sorry I haven’t used it sooner but it was very easy and I will continue supporting you with my amazon purchases!
I only read reviews for things that are too cheap to be good, like five screen protectors for my phone for $0.99. Those are great, by the way – you should buy them.
“Fudgetunnel, Indiana” almost made me spit cheese cracker all over the break room.
I don’t read other people’s comments, in general, except on here. But I am going to Amazon to check that shit out.
RE: the QOD . . . Use the useful information; ignore the crackpots and idiots. This schema is helpful beyond Amazon reviews.
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Jeff, this won’t be a popular opinion, but I think you’re pressing. You might consider starting the outlining/writing/rewriting/editing/polishing process an hour and a quarter before you have to leave for work to allow an extra 15 minutes for the copy to breathe.
Twice a week is better than once, but it’s not entirely clear that your agenda supports this schedule. I think the problem is that you published so much superb writing for so long that we underappreciated how much work went into each piece. You rocked for a dozen years, and I’m afraid we took you for granite.
I do want to say that Jeff at 80% is still better than just about anything else on the web, and thoroughly worth reading. But the archives hold stores of heroic prose, and that’s harder to come by now. I wish you well.
John
Wow…an Amazonesque review hidden in a critique, along with the added flair of an advice column.
I ignore 1 and 5 star reviews. Those people have an agenda. But here are two of mine. Sometimes I get blocked. My review of 55 gallons of KY was deemed unpublishable.
http://www.amazon.com/review/RVJ8E6G19WP4U/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm
http://www.amazon.com/review/R310E684O5X3R8/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm