Do you ever worry that your filter might let you down? You know, the inner-censor that stops you from saying what you’re actually thinking, and getting you fired and/or beaten-down?
I do. I’m a pretty laid-back guy, but my brain is always going a mile a minute. And a lot of it could cause me problems if it were ever released to the open air.
Say, for instance, two or three hotshots at your company come to town, and want to hold a townhall meeting type of deal. All the employees gather in a circle (executives in the round!), and they start in with a pep rally… I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept.
Well, if my inner-censor broke down in such a situation, it would be Big Trouble. Big, Big Trouble. And I worry it’ll happen someday; I don’t have complete faith in the integrity of my filter.
I’m afraid I’ll suddenly shout, “Is that a rug?” Or, “Do you have one of those extra-wide toilets at home, on account of your ass?” Or, “Hey, 1989 just called, and they want their sport coat back!!”
Is it just me? Please tell me I’m not alone. I’d hate to think I’m the only one with toxic thoughts playing leapfrog in his brain.
Examples of catastrophic filter failure, would also be appreciated… Use the comments section below.
Yesterday morning I got out of bed, stepped on a dryer sheet, and believe my right foot was actually above my head for a couple of seconds. Luckily, I landed on the bed and didn’t explode my skull on the nightstand.
But, damn. A used dryer sheet on hardwood floors is one slick son of a bitch.
When we were at the park last weekend I overheard the following conversation-fragment, between a father and his young son, who were fishing from a pier.
Dad: No, it’s not that they deserve to die. We’re just doing this for fun.
Son: Killing fish?
Dad: That’s right. Now, quit asking so many questions and cast your line.
Heh. Did the kid think they were doling out punishment to the fish community at large? This’ll teach ’em a lesson they won’t soon forget… Kids say the darndest things, especially the l’il Hitlers.
Why do I need a facebook page? People keep telling me it’s required, but I don’t understand why. Will somebody please explain it to me? How will it improve my life? What are the benefits?
I had a MySpace page for a year or so, and it was yet another thing to maintain and feel guilty about. How is facebook different? How is it better?
Help me out, won’t you?
I do, however, enjoy Twitter. I’m not the world’s greatest at posting updates, but it’s been roughly a million times more positive than the MySpace experiment. If you’d like to follow my stoopid posts, here ya go.
And I haven’t been very good at reminding you guys about this, but please keep the drawings of your bosses a-coming. Here’s the page again, with directions on how to submit your artwork, etc. We need more bosses!
This one’s a mess, but I need to stop right here. I wish I could complain about the stuff that’s cramping my style these days, but I can’t. I just can’t.
So, have yourselves a great Wednesday, or whatever day it is. I appreciate you coming here every day, I really do. I probably don’t say it enough, but it’s true.
See ya tomorrow, my friends.
Clearly Bennigan’s Nazi wins comment of the week right?
Filter? Horse shit. I got this job and I can get another one that looks just like it.
Working at a video store in my late teens, my female boss stated: “The shirt makes me look fat.”
“No,” sez I, “it makes you look like a fat lesbian.”
Three days later I had another job at another video store, making $3.15 an hour.
Here endeth the lesson.
My filter has developed its keen and dependable edge after many near death experiences over the years.
I once asked the academy president and museum director at the Cranbrook Academy of Art “Hey Roy. How many museum directors does it take to eat a possum? Two. One to eat it and the other to watch for cars.
That was very nearly the end of my academic career. I thought he had a sense of humor. Who knew?
@ Gretchen – You are definitely a lady of class and eloquence.
@ Jed – I think our banking, mortgage, insurance and auto industries should take a cue from the Japanese. Just think of the boost to the economy that would be. That should also go for government officials and toss in a few radio and TV talk hosts (Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, Boortz and Savage). That might even stop Global Warming!!!
@ lea – That definitely belongs in the “Further Evidence” file…
Thanks, Shiny Rod! :o)
I have that filter-failure panic every time I have to speak in public. Something in my head always thinks “Hey, Nicole, you should just stop reading this bull and yell ‘FUCK’ (or an equally offensive word) really loudly” I then have to spend the entire time I’m reading telling my little voice to shut the hell up. It’s worked… so far.
Also, I told my friends about this and they wanted to have me institutionalised.
PS I think, with your style, you’re much more of a Tweeter than a Facebook-er. Twitter is for those of us who have random, 140-character brain blurbs. I.e. perfect. And yes, I’m following you now.
Usually a few beers breaks my filter down…
My inner filter has gotten me a lot of hatred the past couple of days in regard to the woman who got the face transplant. Basically, I ststed that doctors just don’t try hard enough these days. Yeah, I felt sorry for the woman, but it is cool that she can taste and smell again after her dickwad husband shot her in the face, then shot himself, only to fail both times in a killing mode (Hey Man Nice Shot). Anyway, even though I am happy for her, I suspect that every time she walks around a corner, someon will scream..”OH JESUS CHRIST!!” in regard to the new look that the surgeons applied. It’s as if some surgeon said, “Well, we have this much money to deal with, and this much only, so let’s make her look like Grimace from McDonaldland and hopefully she will be happy with that. Then, I went off on vet’s (the animal doctors), thinking that it is bizarre that in 2009, they basically have the only option to cure a horse with a broken leg is to shoot it and kill it. I’m sure the horse, if he could talk, would say, “Hey, see those dogs with three legs limping around, that doesn’t look so bad, I’m okay with that deal, so could you put that rifle away, please?
My non-functioning inner filter made a lot of hatred for me this week. But do I care? Not really.
Here’s a filter failure for you… fortunately it wasn’t mine. 🙂 I had a friend in college whose mouth moved even faster than his brain. He and some other friends drove to Atlanta to go to Six Flags. Driving through Atlanta, they got pulled over for speeding. The cop walks up to the window and says “Son, no one goes through Atlanta that fast.” My friend’s filter failed and he wound up spouting out “Sherman did!” from the back seat. There was no getting out of that ticket.
I just wonder how fast they had to have been doing in Atlanta to get pulled over… 80 or 85mph is pretty standard.
@Jason Go to your profile page and click on the info tab. At the bottom of the page should be the link to the fan site page. Let me know if that doesn’t work!
Trisha, I found it. I’m also a fan of Aaron Neville (not really) and I’ve never been able to find those pages once I sign up. Thanks!
Yeah, my filter doesn’t kick in at times. Seems to happen more when i am hanging with my friends than at work. Get a few cocktails in me, and it is guaranteed to not work. I am the one in the group that just says what everyone is thinking, but I am the only one with balls (or buzzed) enough to say it. I calls em as I sees em.
I let an audible whatta douche, to a guy that I know pretty well. He was telling me something he thought was cool that he’d done and I let it slip. He is still I’m sad to say an incredible douche. We call him captain douchebag at the table. I’m afraid the kids might let it slip now.
Ad vs Reality:
Is it just me or:
Does the real McDonald’s Sausage Breakfast Burrito look better? I live in Texas and, mister, the sloppier “mexican” food looks, the better it is. Just look at the ad version – the tortilla looks like something that should be made into some sissified New York version of a pointy-toed cowboy boot.
I’m going to have to lean the same for the Wendy’s Southwest Taco Salad, KFC Famous Bowl, McDonald’s McSkillet burrito, and Wendy’s Chicken Club.
It doesn’t look like an update is coming anytime soon. Here’s something that belongs in the Further Evidence box:
http://www.knittedlandscape.com/
Jeff, it looks like your Further Evidence just triggered a Fark greenlight. Nice going! We all know who had it first.
Fuck facebook
oops…
I have found facebook quite useful. But that doesn’t mean it works for everyone. I have been much better at keeping in touch with my family, 8 bros and sis’s that live in NJ, while I’m in NC.
Because you can post stuff, and it is optional for any of your friends to read, it is almost better than face to face, because you never really know if what you are telling someone is boring the hell out of them. So, you post what you want, and browse others pages for what is interesting. And comments are great.
But if you don’t really care to keep up, with this kind of stuff, then facebook is not for you.
The other use has been with contacting some old friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. One good friend who I have been trying to find for several years got on facebook, and it was great to catch up.
So, for me it’s great, for you, maybe not.
I’m starting to wonder if the Swine Flu has made it’s way to Scranton.
Last year I flung a casual insult at an officemate in front of a new hire. Or maybe she was there for her interview? Oops. Our boss laughed, but the new girl looked worried. Forgot to turn up the filter that day.
At a recent event, my boss stepped up to the microphone to welcome everybody, and when his “hello” practically shook the building, he said, “Wow, that’s hot!” My friend and co-worker opened her mouth, closed it, then leaned over to me and said, “If this was a different crowd, I’d say, no, you are!”
Too bad her filter caught that one. It would have been entertaining trying to watch my boss regain his composure in front of all those people, including his employees, his students, and his mom.
Filter…I do worry about this, since I have a lot of snide comments going on in my head while talking to people on the phone (what I do for a living). Mostly things like, “DUH, YOU DUMBASS! I just told you how it works, were you not listening?” and, “From the sounds of that cough, Melissa, you need to put down the pack of unfiltered Camels and listen to me.” I also have to carefully monitor my filter with my daughter. She’s 4, and you know how that can be…zip the lip (me) before you tell her to SHUT UP or LEAVE ME ALONE. LOL.
Facebook…addict, total addict. But it is one more thing on your plate…one more guilt…one more anxiety…one more reason to be in front of this tube….