I went through the Burger King drive-thru on my way to work on Tuesday, and bought two cheeseburgers — without pickles, of course, ’cause they’re assy. I’d eaten lunch at home, around noon, but it didn’t take and I needed a top-off.
The angry woman with hand tattoos, who looks 65 but is probably 39, passed my sack of smoky fat through a window, and a few minutes later I merged onto I-81 with my car smelling incredible.
Once I’d achieved cruising speed, I broke into the burgers, took a bite of one, and promptly dropped it in my lap. I instinctively tried to jump out of the way, but the ketchup-oozing thing plopped – and suctioned – to my crotch. Arrrggh! I howled in protest, drifted from the lane, and started running over those WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! strips along the side of the road.
I got myself pointed in the right direction again, and peeled away the burger. There was now a large red spot on the front of my jeans, right in the heart of the wiener region. And I was on my way to work!
Dammit. I hate slopping stuff on my clothes, and this was like some kind of YOU ARE HERE indicator on the front of my pants. I started wiping it with a napkin, panicked and angry, and other drivers were looking at me with confused expressions. I guess I was weaving all over the road, and it probably appeared I was masturbating with abandon.
I wiped off my jeans, and stuffed the ruined napkins into the cup holders on the console. I was still muttering profanity, but thought the worst was over. However… I kept getting ketchup on my hands, from God knows where. Over and over I discovered a fresh load of the stuff on my hands, wrists, and forearms. WTF??
Turns out there was ketchup on the steering wheel, underneath. And now I had it smeared all over me, and was sticky to the elbows. Man, this was really starting to broil my brisket… This was almost worse than the time I had to take a full roadside sobriety test, because of pickles on my Big Mac.
When I arrived at work I went straight to the bathroom, and tried to perform damage control. I washed my hands, and took a look at my crotch-dot in the mirror. It wasn’t as bad as I imagined, but it wasn’t good. I told my co-workers about it preemptively, instead of allowing them to wonder (and whisper) about the giant stain on the front of my pants.
I’m thinking about buying a baby’s highchair at a yard sale, and building myself an interstate eating surface with the tray. I’d like to be able to attach it to my upper torso somehow, or maybe have a series of straps that go around the back of my neck and head, and be able to eat an entire meal at 75 mph. Possibly even spaghetti and meatballs.
What do you think? Any suggestions on how I could turn this into a reality?
Also, in the comments section, please tell us about the craziest things you’ve witnessed other people doing while driving. I’ve noticed lots of folks reading newspapers, and hardcover books. And I’ve seen ’em eating all sorts of things. Soup even!
So, if you have anything on that subject, please share.
And I need to go to work early today, so I can attend a class on Microsoft Excel. I’ve been using it for years, and know it pretty well, but they want everyone in management to undergo formal training. I don’t know… maybe it’ll be valuable? We’ll see.
I’ll be back tomorrow, right here.
Swami Bologna says
Numero Uno !
Swami Bologna says
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….
Matt in Florence says
you need the carbib
If you give that thing a good coating of scotch guard, you could spill a soda and never get a drop on you. Jeff definately needs one!
Why did a little crabby heart appear after I submitted my reply?
That sounds like a lot of damn ketchup.
Swami Bologna says
That was one funny update !
But I kept thinking, “When are we going to get to the part about the Japanese,” given today’s photo.
Oh, I get it — it’s a ketchup-spot (on the wiener region).
Gee thanks, Jeff. Fodder for my husband to prop up his usual response of “Just, NO” on why we can’t eat in the car. Even at Sonic.
Yeah, it was only a month or 2 ago and I witnessed some dude shaving (with cream and a regular razor, NOT an electric) on the interstate! As I drove past the dude, who was going roughly 20 below the speed limit, he looked away from his visor mirror at me with his face half-covered in shaving cream as a shot him the evil eye. Watta douche!
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I really like the strap-on high-chair tray idea.
You could have not explained to your co-workers about the ketchup spot on your pants and just walked around the office all night hollering:
TORA TORA TORA!
Were you using the “Churning Butter” Technique or the “Rolling Down The Car Window” Technique to wipe up the crotch condiment?
You need a steering wheel tray:
If I was King I’d execute everyone who eats/texts/reads/shaves/applies makeup while driving near me and my family. Good thing I’m not, I guess.
And since it’s on Amazon…you’ll get your self a little kickback. Can’t pass ‘er up!
Casey J says
if you click on this link, and see the pictures of this, 3 are of the product and the others are of huge accidents. This cracked me up. 🙂 go Amazon, anything you could ever want in one place!!!
Did you read some of the product reviews? The one about the guy using it as a minibar cracked me up.
I’ve got an idea. Don’t eat while you drive! Don’t text, watch porn, put on your makeup or anything that takes your mind/eyes off of the road! Drive! It makes the highways much safer… take it from someone who took his eyes off of the road to grab a cig and ended up wrapped around a tree.
T. Farty McAppleass says
brandon w says
I have started to run off the road a few times trying to find my cigs. If cancer doesn’t kill me my stupidity will.
Consider using the armrest indentation, door pocket, center console or shirt pocket for tobacco stowage. Just sayin’.
I almost went off the road while going fifty mph in an ice storm with my head out the window while reaching behind me to find my ice scraper to clear my windshield while driving. That was a fun commute.
Preemptively placing layers of napkins down across the lap usually does it for me. I keep a stash in the center console just for that.
You could get a feed bag, like the ones horses use.
Casey J says
The worst I do is try to eat Taco Bell in the car…but at lights I feel guilty and hide it below the dash so the other drivers aren’t giving me dirty looks as I try to inhale a soft taco supreme. a burger is one thing, taco quite another.
I have seen a man reading a newspaper, fully spread across his wheel. On a highway, no less. The other day I saw a car(on another 55mph highway) with two little kids bouncing around on the front seat, unrestrained or belted. That just chaps my ass…how hard is it to slap a seatbelt on your dear little ones?? All I saw was little projectiles that end up in a ditch after someone has ran them over.
Garrett - g1g3m says
Shit, as kids, we never wore seatbelts. As a matter of fact, until I could absolutely NOT fit there anymore, my default carspace was that little flat area behind the back seat under the window.
I KNOW we never wore seat belts because my mom had the fastest backhand in the East and when she was swinging it in my direction, I’d slide back and forth on the big-ass back benchseat. That pissed her off even more.
Bill in WV says
I hear ya. I don’t think we were ever required to wear a seatbelt. Not really sure our 1970 Olds station wagon (with woodgrain exterior trim) had them. Hell, my dad used to drive us down the WV Turnpike (highway of death), drunker’n hell, with a dangling cig, weaving until my mother insisted he let her drive. As a little tyke, I think I used to ride in the front floorboard or the “well” in the back of the wagon. Good times !
Bill in WV…Red Foreman from “That 70’s Show” would kick your ass! Anyone knows that a 1970 Olds station wagon is called a “Vista Cruiser!” 🙂
Casey J says
haha. We never did either!! My brother sat down in the front seat floor “bucket” (Think “K” Cars), the rest of us in the back with my mother holding the baby while she was breastfeeding.
sigh. just seems like such an easy fix to prevent something horrible from happening!!
Oh i can’t wait for the nutso-fantastic stories that come out of this excel training.
I’ve seen a lot of interstate sex. I saw some dude getting road head once, when I was 12.
I saw a trucker full on grinding his sausage while some hardcore gut pounding porn was playing in his cab, in full view of anyone drivgin past him.
I once witnessed the moste ridiculous shit. a guy was driving down the street shooting, SHOOTING, a gun out of the driver side window at a locatoin into the road immediatly infront of his car. He was hanging half out of his Duke of Hazard window, just’a blowin’ the shit out of some asphalt.
This one comes with a catch all you could just spit pickles into…..
Root 66 says
In high school we used to have little desks that would pop out of the side of the auditorium seats. Maybe someone should find a way to make that work in a car!
Frankly, I don’t get it, though…I don’t see how anyone can drive and put on their make-up, read the paper, make an omelette, or whatever. I’m just not that talented. I have enough trouble keeping the car between the lines without all that distraction!
Put me in the “I don’t go to Sonic because I don’t eat in my car” camp, by the way! I can’t stand the smell of stale food and nasty old wrappers all over the place. My kids think I’m a “Car Nazi” or something!
Oh, and the bunker cam…I hope ol’ blue eyes wasn’t flying that chopper–he looks like he’s had a few!
I think MAD magazine invented that “car feed bag/tray” thing years ago..
I passed a woman on the interstate recently & she was weaving too. She had a cell phone against her ear/shoulder, eating Wendy’s chili & making notes on a pad of paper. As for steering the car, she apparently just said, “fug-git, I’m too busy”..
Root 66 says
I used to have a boss years ago that would change his clothes while he was driving. Not just a tie or anything like that, but his whole outfit (pants, shoes, shirt, etc.)! He was like Clark Kent in a rolling phone booth of death!
Oh I have missed this website. so very much! These past two updates have been GOLD!!!
“it probably appeared i was masterbating with abandon” hilarious.
I used to roll joints and drive a stick shift at the same time. that was YEAARS ago though. I haven’t driven a stick in forever.
Rolling joints while driving? Jeez, you’re nuts. I found a pipe much easier to deal with.
Garrett - g1g3m says
One time I made a huge salad with the specific intention of eating it (driving) on the highway during a long trip. I’m not sure what possessed me to do such a thing, but it was a full-meal-deal (diced ham, sprouts, boiled eggs, and even some pineapple chunks, I think).
I’m sorry that I have no good explanation for the act, but I don’t recall there being any issues with reckless driving and/or spillage.
Chuck in Belpre says
I’ve seen people reading paperback books and newspapers as well as eating huge subs and I think I actually saw a guy eating a rack of ribs. Can you not wait til you get where you are going? Is it impossible for people to go a couple hours between meals?
No. I eat while I work, that usually between job locations. But then, I make sure I have easily contained and held food stuffs that don’t risk getting me all splattered up.
I think I told this story a while ago…
When I was in my 20’s I worked in a bridal salon. It was a 2-story shop with the second floor overlooking main street, downtown, Indiana, PA. I was standing near the 2nd story window and happened to glance down at the traffic. Some dude in a big box truck, stopped at the red light, churnin’ the butter at a pretty good clip. Right there. Broad daylight. I just stood there. Couldn’t look away..like watching a train accident (or a guy jackin off). All of a sudden he takes a breather and for some reason LOOKS UP right at me as if he knew I was there. Fucksticks! I nearly peed myself. At that point the light turned green and off he went. Even though the whole incident only lasted about 20-30 seconds, it felt like an eternity. I was 20 and just crawled out from under the hick-town rock.
WB in OH says
If I didn’t eat in the car I could kiss half my lunches goodbye…on second thought, that would probably be a good thing.
Happy Birthday Marines! Thanks for kicking ass for 235 years!
RIP Sailors of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
Is today the Edmund Fitzgerald Anniversary? Crap, I always thought it was November 22.
T. Farty McAppleass says
I think nov 22 is when JFK was assassinated.
jim britton says
Happy birthday to you, jarhead!
My crazy driver incident occured many years ago on my way home from work.
I was a young 20-something, minding my own business on the highway when this guy suddenly pulls up by me in the right lane. I surreptiously looked over and noticed he had a magazine spread open across the steering wheel.
And he was masturbating.
Needless to say I sped up a little to get away from the pervert. Well, I wasn’t as sly as I thought I was and he noticed I glanced over. As I moved away, he sped up to catch up to me. I finally had to floor it and jam into a bunch of cars to keep him away from me.
Oh, and more recently I saw someone driving with one of those clear plastic salad containers, holding it in one hand and a fork in the other, eating, mostly when stopped at lights, but driving like that the rest of the time. She was all over the road and hopefully got pulled over.
WB in OH says
I’m all for “churning butter” or “rolling down your own window”, but for chrissakes, you can’t wait till you get home? How many hours do spend on the road?
I don’t care if you eat in my car, but I draw the line at butter churnin’.
Dave's not here, man says
I used to commute with a guy who would smoke a cigarette, pour himself some coffee from his thermos, and drive his stick shift truck all at once. I never saw him get out of control, but I know he ashed in his coffee a couple of times. I made some lame-ass excuse one day and started driving on my own after this scene repeated itself, every day, for two weeks straight.
It’s not that I thought he would get in a wreck, i just didn’t want to get cigarettes and coffee dumped all over me on my way to work in the event that he had to take some evasive action.
Seems to me we had a question a while back similar to this. It involved sunshine I think and something akin to a harmonica holder holding foodstuffs to her mouth.
I once ate an Arby’s Beef N Cheddar in the car and had the same experience. I was on my way home or to a bar though, not as traumatic.
Time to go crap on company time.
I think it was called a “scone rack.”
I echo WB’s wish for Marines to have a happy birthday. Thanks for your service. Please celebrate with a designated driver. Then, let ‘er rip.
Eating while driving is one of the biggest risks for a car accident! Although, I’ve inhaled a sausage McMuffin once while driving, I’m not apt to repat that.
My friend and I drove 9 hours from NY to Montreal. Crossed the border and as my friend was driving (my car ) I lglanced over and some dude was jerkin his gherkin while riding alongisde us. Being somewhat delirious I yelled out “This summanabitch is flashing us”. My friend misinterpreted what I was saying and thought it was a cop flashing the cherries and pulling us over. She starts to PULL OFF THE HIGHWAY. At this point, we’re helplessly laughing then started waving our pinkies and pointing and laughing at Mr. Pocket Pool. He drove off in a huff. Welcome to Canada, indeed.
Wow, there is a lot of people hammerin’ the nail out on the highwyas and by-ways of North America.
Quick quick comments on comments…
Nice update, Jeff. I laughed out loud without a need to abbreviate it. (Sometimes I crack myself up and that’s very, very sad).
Zoe…Beautiful 8-word critique. (“That sounds like a lot of damn ketchup.”) There has to be a Japanese word for an eight word poem. NIce.
Vicki…(“Fodder for my husband to prop up his usual response of “Just, NO” on why we can’t eat in the car.”) I’ve married many women, and every one of them would have kicked my ass and told me to fuck myself had I told them not to eat in the car, or given them any other half-assed order.
TILLY…I believe you win something for funniest subtle comment of the day. (“I used to roll joints and drive a stick shift at the same time. that was YEAARS ago though. I haven’t driven a stick in forever.”) Hilarious. Nice to have you back in Dog’s country. Sorry, dyslexia.
Jeff…I have no idea how you get funnier when you crank up a 60 hour workweek. Of course, if you are beginning to drop food upon your weiner because of work anxiety, that would explain some of it. Hang in there and consider wearing two pairs of underwear. For safety.
may 29th? If you’re referring to the Edmund Fitzgerald, it went down November 10, 1975. If May 29th means somehting else… ok!
madz, it’s your comment, not mine. Check out November 22 and May 29. You’re probably on the sunny side of 40, but for me it’s current events to track both dates. No big deal. I just thought you whipped out a funny line.
DTO, do you have that bong? I think that’s the only way I’ll ever completely understand this.
Well, that or a funny line.
I do get that JFK’s entry and exit dates are 5/29 and 11/22. Other than that, I’ve got nothin’.
Turn eating while driving into a game. Drive with no pants on and eat doughnuts. See how many ringers you can get during the commute.
Chuck in Belpre says
If they are cream fills then it could get messy in a hurry.
i wasn’t sure anyone got that! good lookin out.
After twenty-something years, I still pick my battles well. A long, long time ago I gave up throwing trash down all willy-nilly in the car (plus the no eating thing) and bitching about the TV viewing choices. Those belong to him. Everything else, me.
The end of the trash in the car had a silver lining–buzzards aren’t likely to follow my car around anymore like they might have when you could scratch up some petrified french fries or bills from two years before. Sometimes he DOES know best.
I hate doing the balancing act with food in the car. I tried eating Subway in my car a few times and always manage to drop handful after handful of finely shredded lettuce all over the place. The easy mustard that I asked for, which is much like the ketchup, is always glopped onto my sandwhich like a mustard river, which is always the first thing to come dripping out and land on my crotch. Sometimes ya just hafta though. My excuse it when I used to have to run and deposit my check, my bank was 15 minutes away, so I’d have to run there, deposit it, grab WacArnolds and hop back onto the expressway, inhaling the fatty heart clogging goodness while flying down the expressway back to work in the short half hour lunch period. My bank is closer now though, thanks to someone stealing $300 bucks out of it. You know it’s time to switch accounts when some random skeezy website starts robbing $150 per week out of your account…and no, it wasn’t porn…it was called Blue Print Success service…who claimed they were taking money out to help build my career…That was a fun week.
Look at the bright side–now you can add “experience with internet security as it relates to banking transactions” to your resume. Career building, indeed.
Haha, I didn’t think of it that way!
very clever. can you help me with my resume?? LOL
Joey Jo Jo says
What you need is one of these:
Though it might not be the best idea to use while driving, unless you want a normally uneventful stop-short to result in a severed spinal column.
Or you could just stretch a big ol’ 33 gallon trash bag over your lap. That’ll catch everything, and you can just throw it away when you’re done.
another Jeff ... alienjeff says
My brother-in-law Rich returned from a combo supplies run and lunch all pissed off at the world. “There’s food all over the dash and windshield of the truck, goddammit!” he yelled.
Turns out he was dining whilst in motion (heaven forbid taking the time for a true sit down meal) and someone “cut him off”. heh. Right. He probably was shovelling food into his pie hole and wasn’t paying attention to the road.
Anyway, he had to make an emergency stop and his dinner went flying onto the dash and windshield making quite the mess.
A co-worker smirked and asked Rich, “So, what did you have for lunch?”
Turns out it was lasagna. With extra sauce. While driving a 3/4 ton pick up truck grossly overloaded with lumber. Oh yes … with a standard transmission.
I’ll spare you the stories of the three times this same truck has mysteriously rolled down driveways, across the road, and into the woods because “the e-brake didn’t hold.”
Ok here…drive to work naked. It will stop you from doing stupid shit like that.
A roommate was driving back from the local shop n save or whatever in Riverdale, Ga and had to slam on the brakes to his jeep. All of the groceries were in the back and a gallon of milk rocketed forward and exploded on the back windows/windshield.
One roommate walked in pissed, the other was laughing his ass off.
The worst mistake I ever made was eating cheeseballs – ugh. First of all, they fell everywhere, but the most disgusting part was the cheese detritus they left all over the wheel….. and the change for the toll I handed the startled Cherokee lady at the toll booth in Oklahoma. I’m sure she didn’t think much about Texas drivers to start off with but cheesy change probably topped all of her previous stories!
I try not to look at other people when I drive. But I lived in the Detroit/Toledo area for 8 years and eye contact is rarely a good idea there. My husband, on the other hand, notices everything. I will be driving down the interstate minding my own business as he suddenly screams “Holy Crap! Did you see what THAT guy was eating??” Scaring the beejezus out of me in the meantime (probably what caused the cheeseball spillage in the first place!)
Cheese Detritus – a great band name if I ever heard one.
WB in OH says
My friends banned me from eating cheese balls while drunk in their cars. I’m a messy drunk.
Ahhhhh…I’ve had so many bags of combos/chex mix/pringles/ etc hit the floor of my car after they were sitting inbetween my legs and I hit the brakes.
Literally things have been on the floor of my car so long it’s more fertile soil then the Susquehanna valley.
A most excellent update.
I often eat in the car, but it seems painfully obvious that one should bear in mind the “drive” part while pondering the choices at the drive-thru. Minimalist burger OK, bowl of soup not so much.
Microsoft Excel? It has its uses, but a CLASS? It will become worthless at the next forced upgrade. How about instead, they teach fundamentals of (statistics, bookkeeping, whatever it is you need to do) and let *you* decide what tool to use? Signs of the Pointy Haired Boss are all over this one.
I would love to know what they teach in that class. For the most part I can do excel in my sleep. There are some functions I don’t know but could easily pick them up.
I’m constantly screwing with formulas and goal seek to see how much I need to put away to have a million bucks.
Short answer is a ketchup load.
I hit a wild turkey that smashed my windshield, then ended up in my lap.
Thank God it was an instant kill.
I have flashbacks at…well…you know what.
Yeah, I had a Wild Turkey land in my lap once. Slipped out of my hand and spilled in my crotch. I’d only had three or four swigs before the Big Spill.
I interviewed for a new position (aka…fancy-ass talk for job) today and was hired on the spot, here in my little home town. It’s a two minute drive at the most and a fifteen minute walk. So I guess I’ll just have to sit here at home on the couch and spill crap on me. I mean…with only two minutes…it’s not even worth thinking about rolling a window down.
(I guess I was a no brainer because during the interview this guy came in a management polo and asked Beth if she had found his shoes. She told me he has been looking for them for two months. )….**I’m not making that up.
…’or’ a fifteen minute walk…damn. Big diffenence in the wording. Words are amazing. Even the little ones.
Son of Sam says
Good for you dto! You’ve been looking for a while haven’t you?
Yeah SOS…I guess so. It’s hard to find a place that meets my expected level of insanity. That way I don’t stand out. I’ve only lost one shoe once in a small motel room in Cleveland out in Parma. This guy lost both?…two months ago?….I went all in with my future at that moment.
Chuck in Belpre says
Good for you. Hope it is a good fit for you. I wish I could find a job too. The last interview I went to I wore a coat and tie and the guy thought I was a detective when I walked in. Getting old sucks sometimes.
Tell the guy he’s under arrest for being a dumb shit and for having an inadequate penis.
Damn, I sure am looking forward to taking my white hair on a job-hunting orgy. Thanks for the early warning G2…
Chuck in Belpre says
I’ll try to write something this weekend.
I’m feeling much better.
At this time.
I’ve got nothing on the car activities subject. The worst thing that ever happened to me involving food in the car is that my husband took a sharp left and the milkshake in the console dove out of the cup holder and exploded on my leg. I was more upset that I lost the milkshake than how it felt.
Speaking of hardships, I read about that Carnival Cruise Line that broke down at sea. No power, little food, and questionable toilets are bad enough, but the fact that it had a magician’s convention onboard must have been a total fucking nightmare. I wonder how many of them were nearly throttled with their magic handkerchiefs.