Toney gave me a Fitbit for Christmas and I’m obsessed (obsessed I tell you!) with the sleep analysis it provides. Oh sure, I glance at my daily number of steps (shuffles) and heartbeat rate and all that stuff, but the sleep info is what I’m fixated on. It confirms my suspicion that I’m a terrible sleeper. I didn’t used to be, but am now. Oh, in the old days I would mock people who complained about not being able to sleep. I suspected they were narcissistic drama queens, fishing for sympathy and attention. I wanted to shout, “Just get into bed and close your eyes, flutter-sucker!” But now I’m paying for my insensitivity.
I can’t sleep worth a shit. This is a relatively new development, maybe just the past two or three years. I can’t stay asleep and everything wakes me up. I was always the guy who could snooze through all manner of calamity, but not anymore. If somebody so much as scratches their ass in a different room I’m up for the day. I hate it. I’m in a constant state of fatigue, and my brain doesn’t work as well as it once did. And it was never that great to begin with. Ya know? At work I have to check myself or I’ll start building a drool-bridge between my bottom lip and keyboard.
This is my sleep summary from a random day last week. It’s pretty standard, nothing unusual. And look at that crap. I’m awake 17% of the time! I don’t remember being awake, but I reportedly was. And I only got 39 minutes of deep sleep: twice as much awake time than deep sleep time. That’s not good, my friends. My sleep score was 68 out of 100, which would earn me a D in school. In real life it earns me giant sacks under my eyes. And, like I say, this is a normal day for me.
Let’s compare my results with Toney’s. On the same night she slept for almost exactly the same amount of time, but look at her sleep score. I can only dream of reaching such heights. And speaking of dreaming, compare her REM and Deep Sleep percentages with mine. Crazy. This is all relatively new for me. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s ruining my life. I assume it’s due to aging and/or portliness. It’s the worst thing that’s happened since The Great Underwear Crisis of 2018, when I was hurtled into a hellish world of constant adjusting and tweaking and shifting and lifting.
This is all going to lead to me firing up a compressor in the bedroom and putting on a full-face mask before bed, isn’t it? It’s going to be like some kind of Silence of the Lambs bullshit up there. Do you have to pull a ripcord on the apparatus, like when you’re starting a mower? Sheesh. It’s never a dull moment since I turned 55 or so.
The Cannon Counts
My friend Tim, in Dunbar, purchased the Cannon Complete Series box set a while back, and has been compiling some stats as he watches the show. He’s now completed three seasons and here’s his most recent report, received just a few hours ago. You guys are the first to know, when there’s breaking news like this!
I believe some cops go through their entire multi-decade careers without firing their guns in the line of duty. Cannon, on the other hand, has taken 119 shots at people in three years. Shouldn’t there be some kind of investigation?? He, personally, has been shot 12 times during that stretch, as well. Isn’t that a traumatic experience, being struck by a bullet? If it happened one time to me, I’d never stop talking about it. He just bandages up the latest hole, puts on a chef hat, and starts cooking again.
Tim commented, “I’m worried about the number of times he’s been knocked unconscious. He had a case of amnesia in season 3, probably the result of all the head injuries.” Again, it’s gotta be a horrible experience to be knocked completely out. It’s never happened to me, not once. But it happened to Frank Cannon 13 times in three years! And all the fist fights too! Seventy?! What’s with this guy? Who gets into 70 fist fights as a morbidly obese middle aged man?
What are your thoughts on this latest Pulitzer-caliber investigation? Please share them in the comments.
And thanks Tim, for this valuable contribution to the kind of journalism we rarely see anymore!
The February No New Jeffs column
In the February column at Substack I wrote about the various forks in the road we all encounter throughout our lives. I focused on one in particular, but there were others, as well. Check it out, if you’re so inclined. Here’s the link. If you’d like to receive the monthly No New Jeffs column directly to your email inbox, sign up for a subscription. It’s free, and always will be. The sign up form is at the bottom of the page linked above.
The West Virginia Surf Report Podcast
And please don’t forget the podcast! It’s still going strong after more than 300 episodes. At midnight tonight I’ll upload episode 312, which features three new calls that came in to the Surf Report Hotline. Here’s the podcast website. And if you want to call in and possibly (probably) be a part of a future show, give us a ring ’round the clock at 570-290-8151. I’d love to hear from you.
Further Evidence The End Is Near
Oscar Mayer Wienermobile repaired after catalytic converter stolen in Las Vegas
McDonald’s to take down ‘tasteless’ McCrispy ad after it appears opposite crematorium
Disney announces Toy Story 5, Frozen 3, Zootopia 2, and 7,000 layoffs
Wisconsin is the drunkest state in America again
Passing bird shits on bride as couple recites their vows
‘Naked and Afraid’ contestant burns his penis sleeping next to a fire
Prostate cancer gave man ‘uncontrollable’ Irish accent
Hole in one? Golf ball successfully removed from teen’s anus
Woman charged with stealing $1.5M worth of chicken wings from school district
How a vintage Nissan transmission became a sex toy
Thank you guys for being a part of this! I’ll be back soon.
Have yourselves a great day!
Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can just buy me a beer if you’d like. I’d be much obliged. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!
No ordinal number!
This whole Cannon business is pretty disturbing. I think it deserves a “shocking report reveals.”
And I’m not very good at sleep either, despite years of practice.
Thank you for the update, Jeff. I’m off to read NNJ.
We need a Cannon and Mannix re-boot.
It must be the age thing regarding sleep. Me too, plus the extra peeing.
As far as Cannon, he was a private investigator, so all of that lead he was dodgingand shooting is some cause for concern. A “Loose Cannon” so to speak!
Sadly, you’re right, my friend. I see a sleep study in your future, followed by a diagnosis of apnea, followed by the purchase of a CPAP. I wish there was a joke in there somewhere
1) OK, I’m old, but if you can’t carry enough cash for two cups of coffee, maybe you don’t have enough extra funds to blow eleven bucks on two cups of chilled, burnt brew at Starbucks. And if you can’t use a debit card (which offers more protection: the depth of your checking account), maybe you shouldn’t be flying anywhere at all.
2) I think your watch is messing up your sleep.
jtb
And speaking of William Conrad – I have been binging Gunsmoke on radio. Conrad is fan-fricking-tastic, and the more I listen, the more often I hear him literally all over every old radio show I listen to.
I’ve been listening to Gunsmoke for years, and it’s a great show. And I’m not a fan of Westerns. But it’s well-written, well-acted and well-produced. William Conrad is an outstanding actor. As are Parley Baer, Georgia Ellis and Howard McNear. They put a lot of work and love into that program, and it shows.
I went for a sleep trial at age 34 when I was having severe anxiety, because I was having trouble sleeping & my primary Dr suggested it. Once I FINALLY fell asleep (they glue little electrodes to your scalp and then expect you to get comfy?!), they found mild sleep apnea. But my insurance is good and covers the bedside table CPAP, and since I’m a face sleeper I have a mask which looks like a loop snorkel and attaches on top of my head! I even chuck it in my bag when I travel.
I had a Garmin Vivosmart4 watch for a few years that told me my oxygen levels weren’t great WHILE using the CPAP, and when I brought that up at my next annual appt w/ the sleep Dr, he said that the watches aren’t great at monitoring that stuff through the skin. Whereas my machine monitored breath and actual O2 levels. Maybe Fitbit’s created some new voodoo, but I bet it isn’t as bad as it says. However if you know you’re waking up during the night & you’re tired all day, PULL THE RIPCORD BABY!
Tossin’ and Turnin’
sung by Bobby Lewis, 1961
I couldn’t sleep at all last night
Got to thinkin’ of you
Baby things weren’t right
Well I was tossin’ and turnin’
Turnin’ and tossin’
A tossin’ and turnin’ all night
I kicked the blankets on the floor
Turned my pillow upside down
I never never did before
‘Cause I was tossin’ and turnin’
Turnin’ and tossin’
A-tossin’ and turnin’ all night
Jumped out of bed
Turned on the light
I pulled down the shade
Went to the kitchen for a bite
Rolled up the shade
Turned off the light
I jumped back into bed
It was the middle of the night
The clock downstairs was strikin’ four
Couldn’t get you off my mind
I heard the milkman at the door
‘Cause I was tossin’ and turnin’
Turnin’ and tossin’
A tossin’ and turnin’ all night
Songwriters: Malou Rene / Richard A Ziegler / Ritchie Adams
Tossin’ and Turnin’ lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Spirit Music Group, Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00xURnnu8nY
Suffered from bouts of insomnia in the past, but now that I’m officially geriatric I’m sleeping so much better.
Am I doing it wrong?
I stopped using a bed on a regular basis a decade ago, and you’re only a year or two geriatricer than I am.. Now I recline myself to sleep with Koss in my ears and rock ‘n’ roll in my heart. If I’m doing it wrong I don’t want to be right.
John
Cannon? No thanks, Jim Rockford was the man. And that Pontiac Firebird, whoa.