I am a physical and emotional wreck. How’s your day going?
My feet, I fear, are completely destroyed. I reported to work last night in fancy-pants, as required, along with corresponding shirt and funeral shoes. Now I think every tiny feet bone has been shattered and snapped, and I am a living, breathing blister museum.
I can barely walk, and that’s not really an exaggeration. My feet might have to come off, and be replaced with cedar posts or something. Good god. I now realize funeral shoes are only designed to be worn for two or three hours at a clip, not twelve.
And I’m going to have 2×2 cedar feet, for the rest of my life!
Some dude’s coming here this afternoon, to install a new garage door opener. Ours looks like it dates from the Johnson Administration, and finally said fukkit. So, I’ve been the only person who can lift the heavy garage door, and that’s not exactly convenient…
Last night, for instance, I had to come home at 2:30 am and drag our trash cans to the curb — while wearing cruel shoes. And there was an inch or so of new snow on the driveway, so I was sliding all around. Dress shoes are like freakin’ skis on snow, and at one point my feet were moving in opposite directions, and I had no control over it.
I nearly did a full David Lee Roth split, in the dark of night, while holding a recycling bin full of milk cartons. Oh, the humanity!
I’m finally going to watch the season premier of LOST tonight. Toney couldn’t (wouldn’t) wait on me, so she’s already seen it. Her capsule review: too weird. What’s your two-word reaction to the first LOST of the new season? And please don’t ruin anything for me, with your two words. I’d be much obliged.
And I guess the winter Olympics are coming up? Is that correct? Hopefully NBC will take my advice this time, and offer a separate cable channel where they air nothing but the sob stories.
You know what I’m talking about, right? Every Olympics broadcast is now loaded, simply loaded, with tear-jerking backstories about the athletes, designed to inject additional reality show drama into the proceedings.
And I have a feeling there are plenty of people who would like to see nothing but those reports — without all the pesky athletic competition interrupting the flow of things.
“When Sven was seven years old he was diagnosed with a rare disease that makes it impossible for him to pronounce capital letters. This affected his self-esteem greatly, and he turned to the sport of horseback ski-jumping as an outlet…”
You know what I’m saying. I hope they have a channel where we can watch that stuff, round the clock.
And the garage door opener guy just left: biggest asshole I’ve met all week. Just an utter, full-on dick. Grrr… That didn’t help my already foul mood today, it really didn’t. But I can open the door now without exploding an ovary. So that’s good, I guess.
Sorry this one’s short and kinda late, but Mr. Personality had the electricity turned off in this section of the house for the past three hours. So there you go.
I don’t really have a related Question. I was going to ask whether you’ve ever REALLY gotten a good deal in a dollar store, or Big Lots, or one of those dumpy places. And you can go with that if you’d like. But frankly, I’m losing enthusiasm here…
I need to sign off, and go make sure there’s enough beer in the basement fridge. And I always know enough when I see it.
Have a great rest of the day, my friends.
I’ll be back soon. See ya then.
It is going to be wall-to-wall Olympics coverage up here. There hasn’t been enough snow for some of the venues, and they’re trucking it in from higher elevations.
I’m only interested in indoor events: curling, hockey, and speed skating. The short-track speed skating looks like NASCAR on ice, or the running of the bulls on ice.
T Farty, a fellow chemical connoisseur. I figured there were a few others here. Thanks.
Pagan — I lost my fear of foreskins years ago. You can eat almost anything if you convince yourself that it’s actually a side of bacon instead.
My two-word review: Didn’t see. But that’s because I’ve never seen the show at all.
Knucklehead, good luck on the table!
WB I appreciate the trackback.
I think 2 or 3 days is still ok. It’s the assholes who are like “Don’t tell me about Avatar, I haven’t seen it yet!”. Eat a big blue bag of dicks.
I think I had to deal with the garage door guy at work today. See, I’m an Engineer. It’s my job to tell the mechanics how to fix shit. Well I had to bother some shit stain for 5 seconds because I needed to know where a part was, that they fucked up. This was the transaction:
Me: Hey, I need to look at (part).
Shitbag: It’s over there! (Points)
Me: (Rolling my eyes and walking off) Thank’s for your help. (In the I’m never going back into Subway tone of voice).
Shitcomb: Wait, I’ll show you (Full 180 when he realized I don’t care for his brand of dickitude).
I’ve been here a year and that is the 4th time something like that has happened. My job is to fix what is fucked up and offer solutions. So don’t come to me with a problem and act like I just fucked your wife on your mom’s bed when I ask for more info.
Sorry for the rant, it’s been a long 3 days.
2 word review: Fuck Lost.
The olymipics? I may watch the speed skating shit for Stephen Colbert.
Best deal at a dollar store, condoms. Second best deal, baby food.
NP Jason Isbell – Dress Blues
Taken from a friends post on facebook, possibly the fingernails on the blackboard post of the day:
I KNOW RIGHT! LOL
Back when I sold shit on eBay I could get some awesome shit at Big Lots…..back when it truly was a closeout store and not just a “we carry cheaper crap made especially for us instead of the regular priced crap sold at other stores made by the same big manufacturers” store.
Selling closeout toys, collectibles and housewares bought from Big Lots, helped me pay off my mortgage.
But that was years ago.
I still go there but for cheap food now. A company changes a label and unloads all the old labeled cans to Big Lot….same product and still in date and I can get it for half price. Also pick up unusual flavors and such of name brand products that don’t sell as well but they over produced. But you have to be careful and check expiration dates and some of the food is not really marked down much and packaged for them and not closeouts so watch out!
They just had a 20% off coupon last week for buzz rewards customers and I filled my garage with 100% Ocean Spray juice for $1.60 a bottle. Try to get that at the grocery store for under $2.50 let alone under 2 bucks.
@ Chuck in Belpre
I live in the sticks. I’m in the same boat if I want to get fast food from a drive through. Nearest McDonalds, Bk Wendy’s etc is about 100 mile round trip.
Lost review: Double Time
I lost all enthusiasm in 1976 (I was also born in 1976)
I’m an avid Big Lots/Dollar Tree shopper. If you don’t care about name brands there are plenty of deals to be found. I generally get any kitchen utensils at the Dollar Tree (why bay five bucks for a pizza cutter? None of us are exactly Bill Oates.) Big Lots is a great place for cheap energy drinks. If you go to a grocery store or whatever a can of Gunt (or whatever) will run you $2-3. At Big Lots: 60 cents. I also found a huge display of SD cards and USB flash drives (4GB) for $13. $25 at the Office Depot next door.
And I second whoever mentioned Aldi above. Everything is some weird brand I’ve never heard of, but their generics are generally pretty good. (I’m a big fan of their frozen pizzas).
Friday morning update from the great wet Pacific Northwest by the numbers:
1) Jeff, I think I have appropriately conjoined the topics and identified your foot problem. Someone came close in an earlier comment, but here it is: STOP BUYING YOUR FUNERAL SHOES AT THE DOLLAR STORE. I had to wear a suit on my last job and run from meeting room to engineering control room to my office to a board meeting. Nobody noticed or complained that my “black dress shoes” were Rockport Rocksports walking shoes. One key is wearing an outrageous tie to devert attention to the paunch. Last time I checked, Rocksports went for $120-$150. The best money I ever spent.
2) If Gretchen checks in later: how was the MRI? Not the results, which you won’t get until next week most likely, but the experience. Hope it wasn’t too bad.
3) Hebrew National is a brand of ConAgra Foods, Inc. (NYSE:CAG). Hebrew National, founded in 1905 by Isadore Pinckowitz (last name later changed to Pines) is part of a multinational corporation that has been investigated multiple times by the Justice Department and found to be guilty of “product dumping” and several other slimy business practices. To be fair, all Hebrew National products ARE kosher which does mean something, but you might want to check on exactly what it means. In Hebrew National’s slogan, “We Answer to a Higher Authority”, that authority is now ConAgra Foods Inc.
3) Of course you can drink when you take Tylenol. If you take Tylenol and drink a bucket every day, you’ll probably need a new liver sometime around when The Mick did: maybe 60 or so. However, if you just take Tylenol once in a while, slug as much booze down as you’d like, with all the responsibilities that go with that. If you need to take opiates with any frequency, you can ask for Norco (10 mg hydrodocone + 325 mg Tylenol) rather than the regular Vicodin 5/500 that’s usually prescribed. If you need Percocet, that’s just oxycodone with Tylenol. Oxycodone, unlike hydrocodone, is available with NO Tylenol in 5 mg tabs. In any case, unless you guzzle a LOT of alcohol and Tylenol, a few beers won’t hurt your liver, but probably will impair your driving.
4) I have never found shoes or anything else at the Dollar Store that I found worth buying. It’s not a snob thing: I like to shop at GoodWill. It’s just that huge store of crap from China that even Superman can’t see through because of all the lead.
Good night and good luck…
jtb
CHECK THIS LINK
I was searching to find out who the hell Bill Oates is (the guy who we’re all not, according to The Dave [just above]), and I thought he might be somehow connected to Hall and Oates or Oates and Barley. Instead, I found this peculiar blog which you should read. I think they’ve been poaching from our host. It’s just really freakin’ weird.
http://billoates.blogspot.com/
I suspect Jeff has some kind of legit gripe with them, but what’s the law in blogsville? They only go back to 2006, so obviously, they found Jeff’s writing through Deadwood or Mike Piazza or something and decided to lift characters whole hog or, less obviously, there is a parallel Earth orbiting on exactly the other side of the Sun and enanden are there or in both places. As the Firesign Theater says, “How can you be in two places at once when you’re really nowhere at all?”
jtb
I saw that the previously dead Blitz Krieg is the last comments poster in the 2006 blog.
Last week, I developed a stress fracture in my right foot and could hardly walk at all. I never realized how important feet were for my jobs. Good luck with the cedar feet.
I have never seen lost either. Can’t get past that fat guy with the beard, AKA the death of “Becker”.
I think Olympics should be pay per view, and then NBC would see exactly HOW many people really give a shit about them.
On IPOD right now- “I Stand Alone”- Godsmack
Oh yeah, and good lookin’ kid there Jason. Congrats. He looks aggrevated. Nine months in the place all the guys want to get back to and then being removed will do that to ya.
two word lost recap – zombie pirates.
LOST: Never saw it. Never wanted to.
We have to be a little more “dressed up” than casual dress on Monday’s for the pretentious cosmetic patients coming in for consultations. “Yes, honey, go with the larger implants. That way, your sour puss and 80’s hairdo will go completely unnoticed.” Sorry…in a mood too. Anyway, what I was getting at is that I have to really watch the shoes I wear that day. I am on my feet virtually all day. I know what its like to go home with bloody stumps. But I can’t take my shoes off until I get home otherwise they will never go back on.
I LOVE Big Lots. Great for greeting cards, candles, off-beat boxed, canned, and jarred foods you can’t find anywhere else. Holiday decorations are cheap as hell too.
Not into the Dollar Store much. Although when I have gone it’s mainly for cleaning supplies.
The best Big Lots deal I ever got:
Way back in the day when the wife and I were hardcore Pez collectors, we were always on the search for good Pez or Pez-related items to add to our collection or to be used for trade bait. I found some Pez jigsaw puzzles at Big lots for something like $1.50 each, so I picked a few up. Turns out that the puzzles had been taken off the market for copyright violation because Pez never granted the permission for the Pez name, likeness, logo, etc., to be used, and the manufacturers were forced to stop producing them. The puzzles became very collectible among the Pez community. Another couple who were good friends of ours and fellow Pez collectors (as well as the world’s largest GG Allin fans – that combination sure threw the book-cover-judges off track) scoured every Big Lots store in WV and Ohio and probably bought about 100 of them in all. I sold all mine of ebay for $25.00 each, as well as trading for other items. Not a bad profit margin on my original $1.50 investment…
Back to the garage door thread, but I am thinking your house must be made different(demographics and all). Not worse, but different. 🙂 Because in these here parts, a new garage door opener, at least in our home plugs in to an electrical outlet, on the ceiling above said opener. Is this normal, or did a fix it man live here before us?? My hubby changed ours in say, half an hour. It might take me 3 hours, but I am short.
I hate dress shoes, and plan to go thru life in Nikes, Levis Jeans(make my butt still look cute and perky) hanes tshirts(kinds see thur, element of sexiness) and a sweatshirt of some kind. perfection. but not sloppy or dirty, just comfly. later!!
spelling…above “kinda see thru”
JTB: The spinal MRI isn’t until Tuesday. The neurologist visit was yesterday. I passed the physical exam with flying colors and the doc said she was “positive”. Then she went to go look at my brain scan and came back looking freaked out, just like my regular doc did. I’m starting to think that the brain lesions spell out the mark of the devil or something. Right this minute a contingency of Vatican-ninjas are slowly making their way over here to perform secretive and painful rites to keep Beelzebub at bay. Which I think I might prefer to another MRI.
As for Lost, I got three words for ya: What’s on ESPN?
Never scored anything at Big Lots either. All the ones I’ve been to were barely above Marshall’s in the hierarchy of dumpy discount stores.
Gretchen,
Thanks for the update. Hope you can try the Xanax and the music. Perhaps “The Vatican Rag” by Tom Lehrer, or “I Put a Spell on You” by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. Only my opinion, but it would be good for Hubby to drive you, both to allow you to down a couple pills and to get used to being part of the process. Things that are scary alone are less so with support. That’s my experience anyway. I shall hope for the best for you.
jtb
Carla-Thanks.
Jason-As Gary Burbank and the boys of the BBC used to say; “Cute Kid!”
Never dreamt that when I got to work this morning I would learn the secret of seperating acetaminophen from hydrocodone. Not sure when I may need this info but it’s sure nice to have, just another example of why this thing is so much more than a blog.
Casey J-Your garage door is wired the way I would guess 99% of all garage doors are wired, a cord and plug into a ceiling mounted receptacle. Also I don’t want to sound creepy but you painted an image above that I felt compelled to add a baseball cap with a ponytail out the back. hubba bubba!
Knucklehead – good luck! speedy recovery!
hardoxdan – cripes! I won’t be able to walk for the sympathy pains I’ll have for you now. shit!
Jason – cute baby pics. way cute
Gretchen – the Xanax helps fo sho. Makes me too sleepy afterwards to do much of anything, but helps me get through MRIs and dental procedures. Good luck Tues.
I’ve been to Gabriel Brothers a couple of times. They sell clothing at 70% off. There is a reason for that of course. Dirty, mis-sized, one leg on jeans shorter than the other, buttons that don’t line up with the button holes on shirts. Things like that. If you want to look through rack after rack you can find some real bargains. Sorry…I have the male shopping gene. I can’t do that. I found a display of Nike shoes that were $25 or so, retail about $90. But they had NO padding in the shoe or any arch support at all, none. Just flat on the bottom. Looked great though. But I would be limping within 2 minutes. I passed on them. Did buy some underwear though. Hard to mess those up.
Little Jason has big hands. That’s a good thing: It means he’ll never be a carny.
Thanks JTB and Alice. I’m gonna need it for dental procedures also (due to get a crown soon).
Good luck Knucklehead!!
I love me some Gabriel Brothers! but you definitely have to be patient. As a matter of fact, I need to make a Gabriel’s run soon – I need a new comforter. Mine was ruined by the dog a while back and I’ve been getting by with quilts and my little boys Buzz Lightyear unzipped sleeping bag.
should have written “my little boy’s”
grrrr
Hey johnthebasket (re: your 6:36 a.m. post), what makes you think it wasn’t Jeff that stole the whole Nancy ‘n’ Nostrils idea from Bill Oates? You don’t really believe that Eninen are really Jeff’s relatives, do you? I happen to know Bill Oates, and have met his sister-in-law Nancy and her big-nostriled husband (his name is Stanley, by the way), so I know Bill’s stories on his blog are the real deal. Bill kinda got discouraged that Jeff stole the idea, so he stopped updating his blog in 2007. But since then, Bill has gotten over it, and he actually reads the WVSR and enjoys the direction Jeff has taken those characters. Bill is pleased that Jeff has even taken the concept as far as a novel, and Bill hopes that the novel gets published and is successful. So, Bill has no hard feelings about the character-theft, and he says he might re-start the “Eatin’ Eggs” blog after Jeff’s book gets published, so that Bill can chronicle the “real” N&N, even while Jeff continues developing the fictional versions of those characters.
I found canned okra gumbo at a dollar store in the mountains once; bought a few cans and should have bought more. It was a regional brand from the South, probably was pulled out of a wrecked tractor trailer and sold on the sly locally. Also bought a $1 hibachi style grill that is now beat to shit from all the camping trips it’s been on, but it still soldiers on. I’ll retire it one day.
Chuck, you should have seen the original Gabriel Brothers store — before they were a chain. That place would make a current-day Wal-Mart look like a high end retailer. The locals would fight over clothes and steal stuff from each others carts. The whole place was wood paneled and the clothes were just thrown in big wooden bins, not sorted by size nor on hangars. You’re right, the shit there is kinda off but once in a while you find something worthwhile. I buy all my socks there — high end wool hiking socks for winter that normally sell for $8 a pair can be had for a buck or two.
damn it WB!
how dare you bring up gary burbank? I bought an xm radio just so i could listen to his last week when i was working in vagina, onancock, vagina.
eddie and tracy just don’t hold a candle to gilbert gnarley (g n a r l e y).
come down to cincy this weekend,i’ll buy you a burger (beer)
np the saps – radio
Swami,
Your mom did a nice job of naming you — your swami-like wisdom always causes me to step up my game. However, there are at least two possible explanations you omitted to detail:
1) While I , of course accept your eyewitness account of Stanley and Nancy, there could be another Nostrils (Keith in the book) and Nancy who live quite similar lives and have nearly-see-through children. Nearly 42 million people voted for Mike Dukakis in 1988, and perhaps we’ve found four of them rather than just two.
2) Nostrils and Nancy could be the same people, sharing two different families. They move around a lot, and when they’re not visiting Jeff, perhaps they’re visiting Mr. Oates. Bill might be accusing Jeff falsely though innocently. Eninen might simply travel around North America staying with “relatives” year-round.
There are other possibilities, considerably less likely than those above. We live in a mysterous world. There are more things in heaven and earth, Swami, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
I postulate these other scenarios, unlikely as they are, because it is even more unlikely, in my mind, that Jeff would make up (or borrow) such fantastic characters. Hell, I bought a t-shirt from him and he gave me the correct change. I think. Jeff is an honorable man, so are they all, all honorable men.
Thanks, though, for opening my eyes to further possibilities, and for your valuable, eyewitness testimony.
My best wishes,
jtb
JTB – After working for a Wall Street firm for a number of years, I am well-versed in slimy business practices across a wide spectrum of industries. The job made me a cynic and a pessimist, and a proponent of increased gov’t regulation. (My former employer was one of the companies that stood to gain the most by the repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act. I didn’t agree with it then – despite my employer’s attempts to rally support for the cause – and I certainly don’t agree with it now.) Most big companies do not make boatloads of money because they do the right thing. On the contrary, they push the boundaries until the Feds decide that they’ve gone way too far. Until the Feds have the resources to deal with all the slimy business practices out there, I will eat my Hebrew National hot dogs and turn a blind eye, knowing that unless I personally know the local butcher who provided my lunch and can vouch for his/her character, I’m likely consuming the product of someone’s misdeeds.
I just came by looking for the podcast.. I have been a podcast maniac lately. Guest on two shows.
Looking forward to hearing yours and the questions you answer. NO PRESSURE! 🙂
I take a Xanax before I go to the DMV now. It’s almost kinda enjoyable-I recommend it to everyone.
Oh yeah, LOST review:
No Cable
Lost = Watched Thrice
Brynhildr,
Yeah, I worked in the Investment Management business for 11 years and I, too, disagreed with my senior management about Glass-Steagall. Your exposition of surviving in a corporate culture is pithy and demonstrates a keen understanding of how we corporate types who want to “do the right thing” are torn and eventually become cynical. I have steadfastly remained a bit of a cynical optimist, partly by getting the hell off Wall Street, and partly by actively campaining for candidates who favor additional oversight of corporate entities in volitile market sectors. But you said it better. One source of my optimism is bright, articulate people like you who can explain to “civilians” that regulation isn’t socialism. Thanks for that nice piece of writing.
Best wishes,
John
JTB — Each time I’ve discussed increased regulation and/or oversight with anyone lately, I’ve been accused of being a lazy, inept socialist with a sense of entitlement, though I’m really rather middle-of-the-road and, I think for the most part, reasonable. (OK, part of the problem was that I ended up on a friend’s “Reactionary” email discussion list and was thrust into the lion’s den. And being opinionated and lacking self-control didn’t help either.) Thank you for not glomming on.
I’m in love with the girl who works at the store, but I’m nothing but a customer.
Man, the dollar store near my house had a big sign for a while that said they had Bugle Boys for sale. I can’t believe that. When I was in middle school back in the 80s, those things were going like hotcakes and I’m sure they cost at least $25 or $30.
JTB and Brynhildr, back to the dick jokes please.
I wrote this joke last night:
Did you hear Toby Keith got arrested for fucking a cow? When the cops showed up he was singing “I love this barn”.
Feedback please.
Going home for the day. Can’t wait around for the update, so have a great weekend my invisible friends.
And GO COLTS!!!!
Wait – you can buy cans of Gunt?
I need to get out of the house more.
t-storm — Toby Keith references are lost on me and I don’t have any dick jokes to share at the moment. However, I did read something this morning relating to dicks — please see the second question and especially the answer:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35239145/ns/health-sexual_health/
I find the word “deglove” especially disturbing.
Just bought a $90 camera bag for $25 at the NC Flea Market in Raleigh. Must be a second, but I can’t see anything wrong with it. What a deal!
BH,
I wish toby keith refs were lost on me. Being in the great state of OKC I work 5 miles from his hometown (Moore, OK) and drink near his restaurant (Toby Keith’s, I love this bar and grill).
He can suck a bag of cow dicks as far as I’m concerned.
@Brynhildr – I wish I hadn’t read that. Mine usually points to Polaris but if it starts edging toward Mecca I don’t know what I will do.
Two dicks walk into a crowded joke….one dick says…”Wanna just stand up?”….
…-d
(I just spent $152.00 at amazon, Jeff… enjoy the beer nuts)
So degloving… another thing I’ve learned in the last week that I wish I had not. But, why do they have to SHORTEN one side… can’t they make the other side LONGER to straighten things out? Does it turn the unit into something with bumps for increased stimulation?
(90 some odd comments between my first comment and this one and I get back in to the conversation when T Storm turns the focus back to dicks… )
Glom and pithy used in the same conversation – nicely done!