I am a physical and emotional wreck. How’s your day going?
My feet, I fear, are completely destroyed. I reported to work last night in fancy-pants, as required, along with corresponding shirt and funeral shoes. Now I think every tiny feet bone has been shattered and snapped, and I am a living, breathing blister museum.
I can barely walk, and that’s not really an exaggeration. My feet might have to come off, and be replaced with cedar posts or something. Good god. I now realize funeral shoes are only designed to be worn for two or three hours at a clip, not twelve.
And I’m going to have 2×2 cedar feet, for the rest of my life!
Some dude’s coming here this afternoon, to install a new garage door opener. Ours looks like it dates from the Johnson Administration, and finally said fukkit. So, I’ve been the only person who can lift the heavy garage door, and that’s not exactly convenient…
Last night, for instance, I had to come home at 2:30 am and drag our trash cans to the curb — while wearing cruel shoes. And there was an inch or so of new snow on the driveway, so I was sliding all around. Dress shoes are like freakin’ skis on snow, and at one point my feet were moving in opposite directions, and I had no control over it.
I nearly did a full David Lee Roth split, in the dark of night, while holding a recycling bin full of milk cartons. Oh, the humanity!
I’m finally going to watch the season premier of LOST tonight. Toney couldn’t (wouldn’t) wait on me, so she’s already seen it. Her capsule review: too weird. What’s your two-word reaction to the first LOST of the new season? And please don’t ruin anything for me, with your two words. I’d be much obliged.
And I guess the winter Olympics are coming up? Is that correct? Hopefully NBC will take my advice this time, and offer a separate cable channel where they air nothing but the sob stories.
You know what I’m talking about, right? Every Olympics broadcast is now loaded, simply loaded, with tear-jerking backstories about the athletes, designed to inject additional reality show drama into the proceedings.
And I have a feeling there are plenty of people who would like to see nothing but those reports — without all the pesky athletic competition interrupting the flow of things.
“When Sven was seven years old he was diagnosed with a rare disease that makes it impossible for him to pronounce capital letters. This affected his self-esteem greatly, and he turned to the sport of horseback ski-jumping as an outlet…”
You know what I’m saying. I hope they have a channel where we can watch that stuff, round the clock.
And the garage door opener guy just left: biggest asshole I’ve met all week. Just an utter, full-on dick. Grrr… That didn’t help my already foul mood today, it really didn’t. But I can open the door now without exploding an ovary. So that’s good, I guess.
Sorry this one’s short and kinda late, but Mr. Personality had the electricity turned off in this section of the house for the past three hours. So there you go.
I don’t really have a related Question. I was going to ask whether you’ve ever REALLY gotten a good deal in a dollar store, or Big Lots, or one of those dumpy places. And you can go with that if you’d like. But frankly, I’m losing enthusiasm here…
I need to sign off, and go make sure there’s enough beer in the basement fridge. And I always know enough when I see it.
Have a great rest of the day, my friends.
I’ll be back soon. See ya then.
the convo seemed to be getting serious or something. A dickjoke move had to happen. Or we can talk about naked chicks or midgets or the US Marshalls who are current;y outside my office window doing a prisoner transfer A la Con Air.
And dto scores triple points for being a heterosexual male telling a dick joke with homoerotic undertones. Excellent!
homoerotic? Uniformly erotic?
Spinach Inquisition says
Jeff, up here in the northern tippy-tip of WV the Dollah Store is the closest place to shop. We’ve got a general store but there’s a lot of stuff they can’t carry. Just today I was at SuperMegaLowMart, about 20 minutes away, and they wanted $6.39 for planters I can get at Dollah Store for $4. I’ll admit there was a time that you wouldn’t have caught me dead in there but those days are gone. It’s actually kinda amusing too because the alternative lifestyle lady in charge there has a lady-cop admirer who stops by and flirts.
30 miles south says
What was the question?
WB in OH says
t-storm-I wish I could join you for a beer this weekend but I’m going curling tomorrow if we can get the pond cleaned off and by then I’ll be too drunk to negotiate the 100 miles of I-75. I need to get to the Party Source here shortly to restock the liquor cabinet so maybe I can multi-task in the future. Also,
Cows don’t have dicks.
Con Air was awesome despite Nick Cage being an assrabbit.
Eddie and Tracy would be bearable if they took Tracy and hurled him off the Bent-Spence bridge with concrete shoes and replace him with cedar post.
The whole Bill Oates thing has me freaked out. I’ve only been here for a year and now I don’t know what to believe. Where is the world headed when you can no longer be sure of what you read on the internets.
Hey kids, I just wanted to chime in with a huge congrats to Jason! Looks like you really beat T Farty this time…no way HE could make a kid that cute!
Don’t talk to me about The Olympics I am right smack dab in the middle of all that mess. Vancouver is turning into a police state and the amount of $$ being thrown around by our government is mind boggling. I didn’t realize every single person who has anything to to with this thing had to be outfitted in head to toe Olympic “outfits” and walk around with lanyards around their necks. I also didn’t know that every other car on the streets would be a brand new car plastered with Olympic stickers with only one passenger and the ability to drive through roadblocks. They have taken every single parking spot around my business away already and the stupid thing doesn’t even start until next week. I can’t even park in front of my house with my company car because it’s registered to a different address. Vancouverites are so freaked out about all the road closures and lack of parking spaces that they are staying home in droves. I am very close to the Olympic Curling Rink, maybe those people will come and shop in my store? The whole thing is just stressing me out. None of this has one blessed thing to do with the athletes. I only hope we survive this thing and aren’t forced out of business by VANOC and the IOC.
Wish me luck?
I’ve done 75 drunk so I know the trepidation.
The party source is 1/2 mile walk from my house. I’ll be hitting it this weekend.
ms.barbarajane, AWG is right! if they put the crap on pay per view 6 people around the world would watch! On the Bright side the Hookers get rich and Steven Colbert shows up!
Just received an invitation to a Superbowl party with the caption: “Eat shit and Die!” Sunday at Rob & Julies! Gotta love it!
t-storm: What does Touchdown Jeebus look like when flying by under the influence?
Ms. Barbarajane: Good luck! Hope you at least get some crazy business out of the deal.
It didn’t exist when I regularly drove that stretch loaded. I lost that job in Dec 2001, Jesus arose from the living waters in September 04. Possibly as a 9/11 tribute?
Jeff this is Serious!
You are like PBS you entertain me almost daily (& when you don’t my fellow reporters do!) I pay you absolutely nothing! But I expect a very high standard! I’m not saying I’m ready to drink the cool aid yet but I have built a yurt in the backyard! (perhaps it’s because i was born with British teeth and thanks to Mountain Dew West Virginia is a place where I might just fit in.) Then along comes BillOates! Is this like never seeing Latoya & Michael at the same time? a Doppelganger? a relative who attends the same functions?,an alter ego? Enquiring minds need to know!
Not Oprah says
Hey Ms BJ, What street’s your store on? I frequently work in dt Vcr and it is a disgrace to get around on without the Olympics. I am currently not working there at the moment, but have a condo up in Squamish that is rented out until late spring. I don’t have plans to get back up there until the parade has come and long gone. I’m not one to watch sporting events but I’m sure the ambience is great (if your not a venting vendor). Can’t imagine what the congestion will be, I’ve found going to English Bay for the fireworks competition amongst the gazillion spectators brings out the worst cloustraphobe in me.
t-storm: Actually I think they just built him as a tribute to how much money they could bilk from their flock. I drove past him when we were heading down to Cincy for this past Thanksgiving and he was looking mighty dirty from all the car exhaust.
For those of you curious as to what in the holy hand grenade we’re talking about, here ya go: http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/9786
Of course he’s dirty, haven’t you heard he has blood on his hands?
Not Oprah says
You sound upbeat – feeling well? I know you were undergoing a procedure today. Sorry if this was covered already.
White Trash Barbie says
Aaaahhh, Gretchen, t-storm – I was wondering if you were talking about big, butter Jesus. Checked the link (thanks!) and you were.
I like MC 62 ft jesus. Or the ever popular “what the fuck is that?”.
Anyone remember when on the treehouse of horror all of the ads came to life. If I’m ever driving by and see that thing step out of the water I’m just going to keep on driving turn east on 70 and camp out in Pittsburgh. I figure I’m safe there because even Jesus hates the steelers.
Yeah, I used to call him “Butter Pat Jeebus”, until he got real dirty. Also “Attack of the 62 Foot Jeebus”. I already escaped to Pittsburgh in case such a thing like that should happen, t-storm (“Just don’t look, just don’t look!”).
Not Oprah: Actually, Vatican-ninjas are after me (see well above). But the blizzard has waylaid them so for right now, I’m just trying to live in the moment. 😉
Not Oprah says
Gretchen – thx, you have great spirit.
WVSR – is so educational. I haven’t been to Ohio (really can’t think of a reason to go), but If I drove by Butter Pat Jeebus – I’d be totally freaked (probably not really). Good to know he’s there though.
Thanks to everyone for their kind comment and good wishes for little Jason (guess I’ll have to find a new nickname for my penis).
Special thanks to WB in OH for repeatedly using the word “assrabbit”. I love you man.
T. Farty McAppleass says
What’s the deal with Bill Oates? I don’t get it – must’ve missed something.
Swami Bologna says
The newbies have discovered “Eatin’ Eggs,” Farty, and it’s blowin’ their minds.
Swami Bologna says
“Bill Oates is a very busy man, but I’ll try to update this site more often. Things came to a crackpot head later that same day, and I’ll tell you all about it next time. Until then….”
But of course, there was no “next time.” So sad. So sad.
T. Farty McAppleass says
ohhhh. Forgot about “eatin’ eggs”. Thanks for clearing that up. We’re eating prime rib on bed trays right now. Having a woman around who feels entitled to “cravings” is heaven.
not oprah —
cloustraphobe — “Morticia, I just love it when you speak French”.
That’s really a cool word. The only significant French influence in the country I live in was New Orleans, and being populated by Crackers and Black people, when it got wet we just let it go…
The river rose all day
The river rose all night
Some people got lost in the flood
Some people got away alright
The river have busted through clear down to Plaquemine
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangelne
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
Bill Oates didn’t live there, but most of a million people did. Fats Domino lived in the Borough and we just let him go. With all the brothers and sisters. Kind of criminal, it was. Lafayette i am here. Now stop looting. Sometimes I feel like a country-less child.
Thanks for the po-leesing stormy, but I guess I’ll write what I want to. With all respect.
Brynhildr – There has to be a way for reasonable people to live in this country without having to choose between criminality (legal, moral or spiritual) and leaving the corporate world. You are not alone, and, without reference to gender, I capitulate to stormy about your 110%.
OK, I’m done with that for now. Resume dick jokes if that’s what yanks your chain.
Of course, that should be “…in the streets of Evangeline”. Bad typing, bad editing.
Mark Eichholz says
Lost-Lost me after season two. I’ve been able to find some usable foodstuuffs and a handy pair of kitchen shears at our local dollar tree store,
Just before the dick jokes resume, I submit that you got me fair and square on “eatin’ eggs”. It is clever and, though I latched on to the WVSR sometime in the mid-aughts, I probably got distracted for material periods of time until I messed up my back and got actual time to peruse.
NIce job, Jeff. Without the attributed comments on Eatin’ Eggs, I probably would have stuck to the two Earth theory and wondered who was in the Superbowl on the other one. Who dat?
Oh, my. “Who dat” dates right smack back to Paul Laurence Dunbar who wrote the lyrics to “Who Dat Say Chicken In dis Crowd”. Derivation is as much art as science, but that’s as close as Wikipedia can come, and as close as I can come.
Those who can read and haven’t read Dunbar might.
jtb – drink much? or just adhddhhdddhdddhd?
np the thermals – now we can see.
see you tomorrow cincinnati.
Don’t drink and haven’t since the first Clinton administration. Sufficiently focused to read Paul Laurence Dunbar. Really intended no offense.
right can: Thank You for Letting Me be Myself Again – Sly and the Family Stone
left can: We Gotta Get Out of This Place – The Animals
I cherish my Dad’s Uncle Remus side as much as my Mom’s Grandpa Jack side.
– 30 –
none taken. wanted to make sure you weren’t either. the whole sarcasm doesn’t work on the internet thing. i figure we are all pretty much the same jack ass on here, with variations for flavor.
since clinton, eh? i didn’t start drinking till his second.
Son Of Sam says
19 inches of snow made for an interesting ride to work this morning.
Casey J says
wb…thank you for the compliment…I think. lol. That is me to a T..I am half tomboy, or maybe a lesbian, I haven’t decided yet. Just found out we are getting the biggest tax refund in the history of forever, and still just get to pay stuff off. boo. flippen hoo. I suggested wiring out money to an off shore bank and declaring bankruptcy, but that was not an option. bummer.
Hey all of you easterners…how the hell is that snow treating you!! crap..the Weather Channel busted out the Orange areas(orange you say?) which I guess means more than 3 inches an hour. dont’ kill yourselves out there, and have a little fun. 🙂
Not Oprah says
‘claustrophobe’ – I knew I made a spelling error, but don’t correct them if I think the jist of what I’m saying comes across. What of it.
I once bought complete awareness at the dollar store. But I lost it. Frankly it was overrated.
The weather? Oh, we were originally forecast to get 3-6″ here in the ‘Burgh. Then the pod people meteorologists kept raising it, and raising it, and raising it. So now we have almost two feet out there. Way to go, pod people! Just so you know, it’s not as impressive when your forecast is concurrent to the actual weather event.
Now, I realize you peeps back East (including my family and friends) are getting more than two feet, but you guys knew it was coming at least. Meanwhile, despite the state of emergency and the desperate condition of the roads, the malls out here will open at 2. So, essential workers and pissed off sales clerks will be forging through all this crap. Shitbags. (Can you tell I used to work retail?)
To all my fellow Surf Reporters caught up in the storm: take care and Godspeed. We need to keep the snark at full blast around here, so no one is allowed to be eaten by a snow drift or conked on the head by a falling branch.
And here’s some Further Evidence for all snowbound Surf Reporters (and non-snowbound Reporters who happen to be home, of course):
What happens at the 1:14 mark, should probably be banned.
Gretchen The funny thing is (Particularly when you check out the neighbourhood!) Zeff side are white South Africans-the people who invented Apartheid to keep them seperate from the “undesirables” WTF!
To all you guys suffering through the Blizzard! Bring on Global Warming buy a Hummer today!
Pagan: As near as I can tell the dude is South Africa’s version of “Ali G”. I know it’s fake, but it’s still so fucked up. And funny.
And for the record, that gymnastic penis encased in Pink Floyd boxers should still be banned from the planet. I’m not gonna be able to look at the “Dark Side of the Moon” album cover right ever again. 😀
Good God Gretchen!
Two dicks walk into a karaoke joke. One dick says…”Can you sing?’…other dick says…”No, but I can whistle.”