Yesterday Toney and I were watching the local news, and they had an impossibly dull man demonstrate how to carve a turkey, without putting the carver or his family at risk. At risk! They think we’re incapable of cutting our food now, without slicing off a hand or decapitating a baby.
Yeah I know, people are pretty freaking stupid; you’ll get no argument from me on that one. But a five-minute segment on the dangers of carving a turkey?! Cut away from your torso… Make sure all children and pets are out of the room… I’m surprised they didn’t recommend a welding helmet, or some sort of government-issued carvers’ license.
If a person were somehow transported from, say, 1944 to 2013, they wouldn’t be able to understand what’s happened to us. Every small thing is a big deal, actual big things are ignored or dismissed, and everybody seems to crave drama. The Greatest Generation would soil their union suits at the Nostrilization of society, and a few of them might wonder if it had all been worth it. You know… that whole WWII thing?
Tonight I’m hoping to learn how to scratch a lottery ticket without exploding my spine, or how to wipe my ass without subjecting myself to Tommy John surgery. Will somebody please pass the hot water bottle?
I had to put my hand inside the turkey’s “cavity” this morning. It’s one of those things Toney refuses to do. When I met her, she was a full-blown vegetarian. But my horrible influence took care o’ that. She still has a few hang-up holdovers from those days, though. And fisting an animal carcass seems to top the list. Me? I’ll bury my arm in a bird’s ass, and not even blink an eye. I’m hoping that will be noted in my obituary, whenever the time comes.
We’re going to have dinner in about two hours, and the house already smells fantastic. It’s just the four of us this year, which is a good thing. But I gotta admit… I wish Nancy and her philandering husband would make-up already, and get back up here. I need material! …I mean, I’d like to know how they’re doing.
Toney hasn’t spoken with Sunshine for several years, so she’s out of the picture, too. We do know she’s alive, though. The younger boy received a birthday card from her recently. It was only five or six days late, which is impressive. So, she’s still around. But Toney and Nancy haven’t talked with her in two or three years. We don’t know what’s going on with her and Mumbles; it’s a bad situation.
And my parents are in Florida for the winter, living it up with a bunch of oldsters. We have no family for the holidays anymore. It’s something we wished for, over and over. But now that it’s become a reality… I’m not sure I like it. Maybe a happy medium? Why does everything have to be so extreme? Oh well.
I hope you guys are doing well. Use the comments to bring us up to date on the holiday. Anything exciting happening? Fires? Fistfights? LifeFlight copter rides because of a carving accident? Please unburden yourself here.
Also, before I call it a day (and start drinking), I want to remind you to please use our Amazon links, while doing your holiday shopping this year. It costs you nothing extra, but I’ll be paid a small percentage of whatever you spend. Just click through this link, the big ‘Buying Something from Amazon?’ logo in the sidebar, or any other Amazon link on the site. They all work, and it helps a great deal.
I’ll see you guys again soon.
I hope you’re having a great holiday!