We had lunch at a Chinese restaurant on Saturday, where I was eavesdropping on a conversation between two people I couldn’t see.
I hadn’t paid them any attention when we walked in, because I was fixated on egg rolls and the terrible music that was playing a little too loudly in the place. It sounded like a woman gargling Listerine over a European technobeat. And what the hell, man?
My back was to this couple, in a position that made it impossible for me to sneak a glance. But I could tell it was a guy and a girl, both young (possibly teenagers), and the dude was a fully-realized homosexual.
He did most of the talking, and sounded like a complete gay stereotype. If an actor portrayed a person in this way it would be called cartoonish, over-the-top, and shockingly offensive. I mean, the guy was lisping and mincing and just gaying it up.
Intrigued, I allowed myself to get drawn into their back-and-forth. I heard him tell the girl about an attempted “power grab” on the prom committee (I swear it’s true), and how his mother and father, while great, don’t truly “get” him.
You don’t say?
The girl mostly just sat there and said “yeah” and “uh huh” as the boy went on and on with all manner of Oprah-style confessions. While I was finishing my egg drop soup he told her he’d watched Marley and Me, and “couldn’t stop crying for days.”
Toney, who wasn’t paying attention to the nearby conversation, noticed I was listening, and said, “Do you think those two are on a date, or what? They seem like an odd pair.”
“On a date?” I answered. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Why?”
“Stop and listen to him for a second.”
So she cocked (if you’ll excuse the expression) her ear in his direction, and said, “Oh, yeah. That’s not a date.”
I told her I hadn’t seen the couple, which was the absolute truth, but wanted to try to describe them to her. Toney agreed to play along, so I paused dramatically, as if taking one final reading of the situation.
“OK, he’s thin and well-dressed. He probably has product in his hair, and is wearing a large silver ring,” I said.
And it turns out I was way off. He was more of a punk/glam kind of a guy. Something along the lines of a cleaner-looking Perry Ferrell, if you can believe it.
Disappointed, I moved on to the girl. “She’s chubby, dressed mostly in black, and is carrying a messenger bag with buttons all over it.”
Bingo! I hit it out of the park. She was exactly as I’d guessed, which made me feel a little better…
Sometimes I worry that I’m losing my jumping-to-conclusions abilities, by living in a place where most people are the same. I need to spend a few weeks in Atlanta, for a tune-up. I really do.
I have two not-so-great Questions for you today. Yes, two. I’m compensating, like a Corvette driver.
I’d like to know what you regularly buy online, and from what companies. I buy CDs, mp3s, and books, and that’s about it. I use Amazon, half dotcom, secondspin, and eMusic. What about you?
Also, what laws have you broken today? I haven’t been out of the house, so I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong yet. But I fully intend to exceed the speed limit on my way to work. Oh wait! I did listen to a Guadalcanal Diary album this morning, which was obtained through questionable means.
I think most people break laws all the time, if you want to get overly technical about it. So, what crimes have you committed recently? Use the comments to confess.
And finally, let’s try something a little different… The fax number to the Surf Report bunker is 570 585 6856. How about drawing me a picture of your boss, and faxing it to me? I’ll keep your identity secret, and share it with the readers.
Or, if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, just send me something interesting, and I’ll post the best ones at the site later in the week.
And that’s all I have for today, boys and girls.
See ya tomorrow!
@Knucklehead: Sister, I feel your pain.
You have hippies, we have whitetail deer.
What they have in common:
They stand around with stupid looks on their faces.
They meander into and disrupt traffic.
They hang out in groups.
They NEVER talk to or acknowledge you.
They eat your vegetables and NEVER plant any.
You’re not allowed to SHOOT them, especially in residential areas.
They shit on your lawn.
Could we e-mail boss pics?
Seriously, fax? What is this? 1994?
I used my cell phone sans Bluetooth while driving — a no-no in the state of CA — because 1. I’m too cheap to purchase a device that hooks into my car’s audio system, and 2. I refuse to become one of those jackasses that walks around with an earbud, all self-important-like. Since I loathe people who use their time behind the wheel to max out their cell plans, it’s hard to admit that on the rare occasion, I break this law. I like to think I’m better than that. Pardon me while I climb down from my high horse.
You can send Jeff faxes for free through the internet W/O a fax machine. Small ad on cover letter that is all.
http://faxzero.com/
Jeff’s fax number again
570 585 6856
The “O” (Overstock.com) is the shit. And for those shoe lovers out there ….Endless.com is tits on a ritz!!!
Next day delivery and truely endless selection. Oh, they have purses/bags too!
Breaking the law?…Hmmmm. Well, I plead the 5th.
BUT, I do have a question for those against cell phone use while driving. Although, there are those who can’t chew gum and walk a straight line let alone driving through rush hour traffic totally unaware of their surroundings. … Vehicles are becoming a little “livingroom” lately! With DVD players, radio’s that take a scientist to program, heating/AC with individual settings….Holy “OO7″…ejector seats and bullit spewing headlights can’t be far behind! Isn’t this shit is a MAJOR distraction too? Just a little rant…I’m over it now.
I regularly use Amazon for a variety of things. I have a friend who gets free shipping if shipped from Amazon, so I abuse it when I can. 🙂
I buy my body lotion at FragranceUp.com because it’s the only place I can find it since Bath and Body Works no longer sells it.
I buy my shower gel (Perlier Honey Cream) at Perlier.com because it’s the only place I can find it.
I buy my protein wafers from vitaglo.com.
I buy my jeans from Levis.com.
I hate shopping, so if I can get it for a good price online, I will.
[i]Talking to a guy taking a whiz in the baffroom[/i]
Thats a violation of man law right there, much worse than breaking state or federal law.
I hereby sentence you to five years hard labor, in poppa half shirt’s secret pleasure dungeon.
How bout a guy that prepares to piss long before getting to the urinal? I once saw a guy unzip his pants and pull his frog through the gate all while standing in the middle of the room talking. Then he paused for a moment with his hands on his hips, his pale little meat stick hanging down, and started telling a “joke”. I was petrified. This happened at the movie theator. Also, I’m the guy that did it. Just kidding.
Bill in PA – I that almost make me do a spit take!
Thanks, I needed that!
Sodomy is against the law?
Bastards!
Thankfully it’s today, so I don’t have to answer questions about what laws I broke yesterday. I did do some hatin’ and some covetting and was wishing for a good smiting or two, but that’s more biblical law-breaking, isn’t it?
My boss is the nicest guy in the world, so I simply cannot besmich him with a cartoon…besides, how do you draw a cataclysmic speech impediment? Instead, I shall send a picture of the most easily mockable boss ever. What’s not to like about a frizz-headed yellow-toothed nose-picker??.
Older or hard to find movies from Amazon – just bought the Dead Like Me new movie for a surprise gift for my husband; and Mother Parkers coffee from Thunder Bay. It’s the only place I have been able to find it. Can’t find it in stores locally but had it down east (PEI) this past summer and love it! To make the shipping worthwhile ($11!) I buy 3 large cans which last a considerable time.
Speeding on a daily basis.