Straight from the holler.


  by "Buck"

October 26, 2005

So the phone rings the other night and right away I notice the name on the caller I-D…and I know it's a disaster.  Sort of like THE CALL in the middle of the night you always dread.  You know the news that some close relative has been horribly mangled in a folding couch accident.  Except this call was at 7:00 in the evening and the foreboding feeling was much worse since it's the farmer who lets me deer hunt on his property.


He's all frantic and apologetic and shit like somebody just emasculated his prize bull before he could get his cattle bred or something.  Anyway, he chatters along, finally telling me that somebody has stolen my portable tree stand?  WTF?  My heart immediately sank as I pictured deer season seated on a cold log at ground level.  I've gotten used to the elevated sniper position in late November—but that won't be the case now.  Somebody done gone and molested my hunting spot.  Fuckers.  I guess it's for the best that he called.  At least I'm prepared, but I can't help but feel violated.  Almost like I need to wash.  I'm not officially a crime victim—I'm a statistic.  It's never happened before.  Oh, wait I was once the victim of a smash and grab operation in Pittsburgh when a piece of electronic gear was stolen from the back of my car, but it wasn't mine—it belonged to the company.  The tree stand was MINE, purchased with 100-dollars of my own hard-earned money.  It has been sitting in that same spot for three years.  Why in the hell should it be stolen?  I wasn't hurting anybody, I had permission to hunt, nobody else did.  This truly sucks and I continue to lose faith in humanity one person at a time.


One high note, if there's ever an outside chance I might see it again, I'll be able to identify it.  It had some very distinctive marks that I had put there.  I won't be too descript since I don't want the marks molested.  I'm hoping I'll traipse across it in the woods someday and take it back.  Hell it takes two people to move it so obviously it was a premeditated operation.  A bonus would be to find the said stand with some holler monster hunting in it.  You may be reading my bio on the American Crime Wave after that.  I'll go all Wisconsin and shoot on their ass.  You just don't fuck with a redneck's tree stand.  Ya know?


Holy shit, it's snowing down here.  Well, not really HERE.  It never snows in the Charleston area.  Everybody has always said the propensity of chemical plants around here puts too much toxin into the air for snow to form.  After living here five years, I'm starting to buy the hype.  However, in the mountains to our north—it's snowing like a bitch.  About 2000 people are out of power…or in the West Virginia vernacular, "Bout 2-thousand people ain't got no juice." 


There's a hillbilly phrase for you.  Electricity = "juice"  Crap on a cracker—who came up with that?  Another one that my aunt was fond of using.  "I took the vapors."  Turns out later in life I learned she had to fart, but was too prim and proper to say it.  Hillbillies seem to have our own set of ailments as well.  Have you ever heard of anybody besides a hillbilly who had gout?  What the hell is that?   I've heard it all my life and still don't know what it is—but it ain't good.     My mom used to say if the least little thing bothered you it's likely you had "pleurisy."  Don't ask me---pleurisy always meant "more than one" in vocabulary class, but I never took pre-med.  I also never met anybody from the city who had corns or bunions on their feet….I'm sure it exists, but I've never heard of it.   


One of my co-workers launched into a major league diatribe about the whining and moaning of tourists who got their vacation shat upon by Hurricane Wilma.   One woman is whining and moaning about being in Cancun with no food, water, or shelter.  Hey, guess she had to go native!  Sucks huh?


I know you guys on here have indicated a tremendous love for the new show, "My Name is Earl."  I gave it a chance the other night, but I gotta say it didn't do much for me.  Perhaps it hit too close to home, but I doubt that.  I've always been able to laugh the hardest at jokes that poke fun at hillbillies.  I'm not sensitive, I just found the whole thing to be UNfunny.  It used all of the normal stereotypes that are pretty accurate, although drawn to some serious degrees.  It just seemed to me like they were trying too hard to be funny and somehow missed the mark.  Maybe the character is just TOO believable and is more sad than funny.  I can't put my finger on it—but it just didn't capture my fancy.  I'll stick with CSI and 24.


Buck out

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