Straight from the holler.


  by "Buck"

October 13, 2005

Okay, you guys enjoy the West Virginia jokes all the time—and this is after all the WEST VIRGINIA Surf Report. So, in some small way—you're sort of West Virginians. Do me a favor and help out a fellow West Virginia and vote for Lara.  ...and Mountaineers everywhere thank you for your support.

Do any of you have one of those water coolers in the office that has the big blue jug on top? They're pretty common today, now that nobody is willing to drink water unless it's been stored in a plastic container and is wayyyyy overpriced.

A water fountain is still perfectly fine for me, but because I'm unhip—those are starting to become antique relics. Whatever.

I ask because I have a couple of stories involving those monstrosities.

When I worked in Morgantown, it was the job of male employees to replace the jug. Today, it's a fairly simple process; you turn it upside down and jam the female end onto the erect male part of the cooler.

It blasts out a plastic plug and starts gurgling. However, before they came up with that ingenious contraption, you had to literally take off the top and heave it onto the pedestal while trying to keep the splashing water from a two-inch hole in the bottle's neck to a minimum.

A buddy of mine attempted to do this, but the water splashed onto the jug, caused it to become slick, and slip from his hands. The entire five gallon water jug hit the concrete floor and exploded.

It looked like a water main had burst as the entire employee eating area was flooded. His reaction was the best, a very dry-witted, "Well… about that."

Second story…..when I was in college, they had one of these cooling contraptions in one of the Administration buildings.

I recall going there late in the day to have something taken care of and I went to get a drink of water. There was some pinheaded professor who came running from his office screaming like a Sioux warrior that this water was OFF LIMITS to students.

This was water reserved EXCLUSIVELY for staff and faculty of that office. He went on to rant and rave about how the university didn't have funding to buy bottled water for everybody and students should be grateful they were even allowed in that building.

Mother fucker—I vowed to fix him. Later I found that the doors were not locked until well into the evening when the janitors were done with their work.

I went to a nearby creek and caught a bluegill; put it into a pop bottle full of water, which I had cut in half. I went to his office, and without being noticed put the bluegill into the water tank.

It was swimming around all happy and shit. I wish I could have been there to see the look on his face when he ran out to guard the cooler against students the next day and ended up finding Nemo.

One more weird story, my craziest teacher—since everybody seems to have one.

In high school there was a geriatric English teacher who I'm pretty sure was old enough to have partied with Shakespeare. Anyway, she was convinced the school was haunted and her room had its own personal ghost.

She said his name was "Edgar" (who the hell knows). We had one of those 1950 fallout shelter kinds of schools with a long hall and those heavy bomb proof doors.

Sometimes one of the doors would slam shut when all was quiet and some of the people would pull a Jeff Kay and "poop a little." When that would happen the crazy old woman wouldn't even crack a smile—and would says, "Well here comes Edgar."

She also had a very well-done chalk drawing of a tiger on one end of the blackboard.

Some student did it one year because she had nothing else to do. The thing stayed there for about 10-years and actually engrained itself to the board.

She always claimed the tiger's eyes were watching and were an extension of her own eyes. I lost contact with the woman after graduation, but I'd wager she's in a room without sharp objects today.

Buck Out

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