Straight from the holler.


  by "Buck"

November 20, 2003

GREAT NEW COMMERCIAL - I saw the best new commercial I've seen in some time the other day.   While watching NFL on Sunday they had an ad for Miller Lite.  It involved a bunch of people in lines that are normal eg: subways, bus stops, grocery stores, lunch counters.  They all started falling and went like dominoes.  It was freaking hilarious to see all of these people hit from behind and crashing into the person in front of them.  It ended with one guy who steps out of the way and stopping the chain.  He orders up a Miller Lite-don't see the connection, but damn creative effects I must say.

MOUNTAINEERS - I went to the WVU/Pitt game on Saturday.   There are just a few crazy people there.    People were very drunk, but they didn't get disorderly.  After the Kent State like antics following their game against Virginia Tech, State Police were having none of the shit.  They came out in riot helmets with shields and sticks.  There must have been 80 of them amassed in front of the student section.   There were also several police dogs lingering to chew up anyone daring to storm the field.    It had the potential to turn ugly-but never did.     Crews also lowered the goal posts to the ground very quickly.    I guess it was for the best, but it seemed like the post-game celebration basically became an oh-well, okay we won...see ya.

SICK MOUNTAINEERS - Two rows behind me at the game a girl who looked to be about 14 vomited profusely all over everything and everybody.    Fortunately she wasn't right behind me.  She ruined one guy's coat-hopefully he had scotch guard.     Ironically I don't think she was sick from excessive drinking.  Most folks around us were pretty tame compared to others sucking on airplane bottles of Jack Daniels.    I think however, she spread her clap to everybody around.  I've had a stomach rumble ever since that happened.

FLOOD-AGAIN - I remember in the movie "The Great Outdoors" there was a guy who freaked out every time it looked like thunder and lightening-since he'd been hit by lightening about 15 times.   That's the way West Virginians act when it rains.  Last week it just rained for a day and about 100 people had their homes washed away. Holy Shit!  It's about the 25th time in three years that a flood has literally wiped people out.  It's becoming almost Biblical.

CRASHING TAILGATES - When I was in college I once crashed a wedding by simply blending in.   This weekend, I had some time on my hands and decided to try something new.  I went from tailgate to tailgate, acting as if I was supposed to be there.  Remarkably, nobody said anything.   I ate heaping plates of food and if I were off the wagon could have helped me to any variety of spirits and beer.  I was offered several.  I made up a story that I was from Playboy and was doing a story on tailgating.  I had a notebook and pen, acting as if I was jotting down notes.    People are so starved for attention here they ate it up and even invited me into their campers to see their setup.  It's amazing.  One guy had a waterbed inside.    As a result here are some of the better foods I sampled.

Chicken-on-a-Stick - basically a redneck way of saying shish-ka-bob.  They had a grill going with the stuff and everything.  It was fantastic.
Lasagna - The lady who prepared this from scratch on-site had a shirt that read "Proud Italian Mountaineer." This was good shit

Hagus - Obviously some of the Scottish heritage fan base.  Once you get passed the fact that it was cooked inside a sheep's stomach it's not bad.  Tastes like bear.

Smoked Salmon - Delicious and just a touch of lemon.

Braised goose - the host tells me he shot the goose the day before on a golf course near his home.   Should have removed the pellets-bit down on a piece of lead. Not that I'm complaining, but it's illegal to use lead shot on waterfowl.   Guess he thought he had destroyed all the evidence.

Sweet Potato Salad - Looked like some kind of orange goulash-but damn good.

Beer Battered Onion Rings - Enough said.

Smoked Kielbasa - The guy wrapped this up in a bunch of onions, bell peppers, mushrooms and shit and grilled it to perfection.   Very good-especially on a bun with cheese. 

OLD FRIEND - I got a call from an old high school buddy whom I hadn't heard from since Reagan was president.  We had old home week.   He's a 15-year veteran Virginia State Trooper.  He told me all of the ins and outs of law enforcement and that he's been run ragged since September 11th.    He also told me he's had to arrest half of our graduating class for production of Methamphetamines.   Well, we always knew there were some chemists in the class.

WHAT A PASTIME - My buddy tells me for kicks he's now into Civil War reenactments.   He was among ten-thousand of these fruit cakes who happily volunteered to be part of the armies for the filming of the movies Gods and Generals.    Apparently they spent three days in the middle of July standing at attention in the 105-degree sunshine wearing long sleeved woolen clothing.    He said some guys fell face first to the ground and never caught themselves.    He thought at first it was awesome acting of a death scene-until the helicopters landed to haul their heat stroked asses to the hospital.

TALK ABOUT ANAL - I've always been intrigued by Civil War reenactors, but it doesn't take long in a conversation with one of them that you realize they are primed for Mr. Kay's "Further Evidence" file.    This guy tells me he was quizzed in a hostile fashion by these other guys about what kind of cloth his uniform was made from.  It was some weird kind of wool.   He said from there, they began quizzing him about how many stitches were used to sew the pants together.   Once they learned he had too many stitches and wasn't authentic they verbally assaulted him for being out of character and having no respect for the historical implications of the event.     Yeah, I probably have more stitches in my pants than the Yankees because the Yankees didn't have the fat ass I have that has to bend over and rip the seat out of them.     Civil War reenactors seem to be a flawed strain of Trekkies, Dungeons and Dragons freaks, and from the younger generation, Harry Potter disciples.    It's likely there was never a group more in need of a blow job.

CLINTON MODEL - Bill Clinton has agreed to a two-Million dollar endorsement deal in which he'll model fashions for a Chinese designer.  The ads will only be seen the Far East.  It's Clinton's second big endorsement.  His first was for some kind of booze made from rice.  He got 400-grand for that deal.    Guess the Chinese look at it as a payback since he was kind enough to grant them nuclear missile technology during eight years in control of the United States.    Hell, the dipshit would make a good model, he masqueraded as a president for two terms.    Oops, sorry-violated my policy of staying away from politics in this rant.  

CONCLUSION - Okay that's going to do it.  I'm so busy at work and so tired at home that I'm just not feeling creative these days.    Although I see and hear a lot to comment on, but the time I get to writing about it, I have very few witty and humorous things to say about it.  Sorry, perhaps the wit and wisdom will return someday.  Doubtful, but stranger things have happened.

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