I hate to complain, but the sixty hour work weeks are starting to take their toll. I’m irritable and have to make a special effort not to scream, “GIT CH’ASS AWAY FROM ME!!” whenever someone approaches my cubicle. And a few days ago I collected a bunch of dirty clothes at home, went into the kitchen, and almost under-armed them into the dishwasher. It’s messing me up, maaan.
Oh well. It’s not like I’m being lowered into a coal mine every day, or picking cotton in the fields of Mississippi or something. Most of the time it’s not physical labor, at all. So I probably should just shut my Mountain Dew intake valve, and quit my bitchin’. Right?
However… if my scrambled brains let me down and I end up taking a dump in the salad spinner, I hope you guys will have my back. Good god.
To follow-up our conversation on Friday about what makes the best-tasting burps, I have a new entry: chicken planks from Long John Silvers. At work on Saturday someone went to LJS on their lunch break, and brought back a shopping bag full of grease. One guy was preparing to toss two untouched chicken planks into the trash, and asked if anyone wanted ‘em.
After nobody immediately stepped to the plate, I seized the moment. And mister, I was enjoying the burps of kings for the remainder of the night. Highly recommended belch-fuel… In fact, I’m currently experiencing burp nostalgia, it was so good.
Speaking of work, have you ever been in a position where you had to evaluate resumes from prospective employees? I never have, not really. I’ve conducted a few interviews, but it’s only been on a fill-in basis. I’ve never really had actual hiring/firing power. Unfortunately.
But if you’ve been there, I’d like to know about some of the craziest things you’ve seen on resumes. I’m updating mine right now, because of an internal opportunity at my current company, and started thinking about resume mistakes. I have a feeling they’re not exactly rare.
At a previous job my boss would occasionally show me some of the applications he received, and we’d have a big laugh at the senders’ expense. I remember one guy, under the heading Special Skills, listed “English.” WTF? And we had a great time with the people who included photographs. Is that expected now? It only serves to trigger inappropriate and highly-unprofessional comments, as far as I can tell.
Another thing I remember: lots of folks listed trashy email addresses such as JimBeamLover, or NoGagReflex69. On a job application!
Do you have any resume hilarity to share? Please use the comments link below. Also, if you’ve ever conducted (or even heard about) any interviews with remarkable dumbasses… We’d like to know about those, as well.
And I realize this is a fairly abbreviated update, but that’s the way it goes sometimes. However, I do have some good news to report… Sunshine and Mumbles are now on the east coast, after having successfully crossed the country on an Amtrak train. Well, half the country, anyway… I’ll tell you more in the near future — it’s already fantastically convoluted.
But it looks like it’s not going to fall through this time, and the whole gang will be at our house for Christmas. So, stay tuned!
Have a great day my friends.
I’ll be back tomorrow.
I’ve probably read between 1,000 and 1,500 resumes, and many of them defy gravity and many other laws, although they establish that laughter is the best medicine.
Yes, I’ve read the Pat O’Day book, which isn’t bad. A much better book on the history of the “Northwest Sound” is “Sonic Boom” by Peter Blecha. I’d say it’s a must read for anybody from the Great Pacific Northwest who is interested in music, and a good read for anybody who’s seriously interested in Rock history or Rock musicology. The book is available on Amazon. Be sure to use Jeff’s link, but buy it in any case.
I’d rather not make fun of specific resumes I’ve read and sighed at. Rather, I’d just like to wonder aloud whether the authors of substantially fictional resumes really want to work for a dumb-ass who believes their shit or, conversely, whether they want to work for a slimeball who doesn’t believe it but thinks it’s OK to lie on a resume.
I suspect you all wouldn’t want to work for either of these dicks; I centainly wouldn’t.
I’m not far up on the food chain so I have never read anyone’s resume. The picture you posted of the suit with his hand out does remind me of something though. I have seen a lot of them go into the bathroom at work and not wash their hands. Some of them have even come straight out of the shitter and just walk out. They are everyone from vendors to visiting customers. Sick bastards.
I forgot to note that these people walk around shaking hands all day.
So long as they don’t shit on their hands or get piss backsplatter on them why do they have to wash.
In the bathrooms where I work there are waterless urinals, but you have to touch the sinks to wash. I’m pretty sure my dick is the cleanest thing in that bathroom, why would I go rub all over a germ infested sink nozzle just to un-sanitize my hands?
To answer your question with another question, how do they know if they get shit on their hands? LMAO, do you smell it to make sure?
Bill in WV says
LOL! Great point !
Let’s get something straight boys, dicks are dirty. I never eat chicken with the same hand I piss with. In fact, I don’t touch my cock when I piss. I just let it fly wherever. But most people aren’t like that. They like to grab holt it.
Do you tongue kiss strippers? Same point. Dicks are filthy. Washing of hands should be mandated by law, refusal to do so should be punishable by death – a filthy dick death.
Bill in WV says
HO-LEE SHIT !
WB in OH says
Begging your pardon, but my dick is not dirty. I regularly scrub the living piss out of it. It feels good to have a clean willy.
That’s fucking hilarious Jason. I like the way you tied that one in there Bill. Funny thing is, I said the same thing after reading Jason’s comment.
Eventhough I don’t touch other people under any circumstance, I would know that there is not shit on their hands the same way you know there is.
I force myself to have to wash my hands by shoving a finger up my ass right before the second to last wipe.
I’m not sure how much emphasis anyone places on a resume nowdays. Ever heard of someone putting down that they got arrested for drink driving or that they reached level 87 in WOW or whatever. They’re all just a couple of pages full of lies about how good you are aren’t they??? Mine are.
Where I come from ‘resume’ is a verb.Or a fancy ass French word that means keep doing what you were doing and get the fuck outa my office.
Phantom Railfan says
Years ago, a relative prepared a resume on a public computer, printed off several dozen copies and sent them out to various companies without realizing that said public computer was infected with the “wazoo” virus, which automatically inserts the word “wazoo” between every other word. She couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t getting any callbacks…
OMG…I just choked on my salad. That is funny as hell!!
I had a prospective employee leave his cellphone number for contact number. His voice mail message was HIGHLY entertaining. Let’s see if I can recall. “You want smoke, I got smoke. You want coke, I got coke. You want hoes, I got hoes. You know what to do.”
A cuppa months back I got a resume in which the sender gave himself scores to show how efficient he was with different kinds of software. 9 in Word, 9 in Powerpoint, 10 in Internet Explorer. I’m unclear on whether 10 is good score for the internet.
I periodically review resumes. The most recent ‘funny’ occurence was that I got a resume with an unusal flattering statement “successful implementation ofTeradata Customer Datawarehouse at fortune 100 financial services company” (paraphasing here).
Then a few resumes later for the same positon but from a different person I read the exact same phase.
I tossed them both in the trash.
I’ve never been a resume gazer.
An old boss of mine would ask me if I knew any given person that stated a particular military unit I was a part of before he hired them. It didn’t matter what I said, he would end up hiring them anyway.
I used to work at a music store in a mall, and in the “Special Skills” section of his application, this guy wrote: “Army certified linguist (Spanish) and interrogator.” My best guess is that he thought maybe we had a real problem with Spanish-speaking shoplifters.
Joe T. says
“burps of kings” LOL
Big Bear in OH says
I’ve recently had the opportunity to review around 200 resumes for a major telecom company, before they laid my entire crew off…there were some pretty memorable ones, and some very memorable first contact interviews. The ones that stick out in my mind were a woman who had just gotten out of a string of jobs and sent an entire portfolio of her work history and qualifications that didn’t apply to the job she was applying for. I’m talking interior design, patient care, and dog walking were listed skills for a job in phone sales. And all of her “portfolio” pages were different kinds of paper, like some kind of dunder mifflin paper specialist. The other one that sticks out in my mind was the gentleman that came in, dropped off a resume, and then proceeded to back his ford focus over our huge steel triple mailbox and left his bumper and tail lights, along with his license plate, and sped off, thinking we weren’t going to know who it was. I told the officer that took down the report we had his resume, and I’d swear the cop almost pissed himself laughing. The kicker was that the guy called a week later and asked if we had decided to hire him yet.
Cindy from Oregon says
While resumes themselves can be amusing, I found the best humor popped up on the job application itself, usually in the “why did you leave this job?” area. “Didn’t get along with my supervisor” – jeez, no red flag there.
I always got a kick out of people listing their “Personal interests” Does Bird Watching really matter if you’re going to spend 9 hours sealed off in a cubby hole with no windows nearby?
One man raised an eyeborw when his “Personal Interests” Said “Children” . Creep.
Jerry in WV says
I review resumes quite often, but I mostly hire very technical people, so most times, the resumes are pretty good. Sometimes a few punctuation errors, but nothing major. When Bill in WV and I worked together, we were reviewing a resume and the person said that they “took proud in their work”. We got a good laugh and promptly trashed it.
Bill in WV says
LMAO, forgot about that one.
Good Morning Surf Reporters……
Occasionally a resume comes through the fax machine, which is in my office and the only one for the business.
Of course, I have to read it before forwarding to the Big Boss or Mini Boss. Everyone has been “meh”. Nothing unusual and nothing that jumps off the page and says “hire me”.
I commiserate with JK on the 60 hour work weeks, I’ve been doing it for the last 5 years. And yes, it definitely wears on you.
Finally, upon reading that the Eninen show, i.e. the Traveling Circus of Kookery is coming to town got all giddy. Giddy, I say.
I’m convinced that the unemployment rate has nothing to do with the economy and everything to do with the fact that the workforce is retarded.
I collect resumes on a rolling basis and 98% of them are complete crap – spelling mistakes, zero relevance to the job posted, etc. I’ve had a job email come in from BongHitter76 as well as one guy who closed out his cover letter with “Hit me up of ur interested”. Needless to say, I wasn’t.
HA! Did he really spell it “ur”?
Joey Jo Jo says
I don’t do the hiring where I work, but I am assistant manager, so I get to read all the applications / resumes. I’ll never forget the guy who had worked at three different fast food places, one of which was apparently called “Jacking The Box.”
Dude, if you can’t spell the name of the place you worked for a year, just fucking off yourself.
Chuck in Belpre says
I’m moist with anticipation over the arrival of the N n N roadshow.
OMG me too!!!!!! let the games begin.
We see a bunch over here. I particularly enjoyed the woman who submitted an entire packet, including writing sample and drawings (by hand, with crayon and colored pencils).
And my favorite email address username was “dontstopthepoopin”
Not on an application or resume, but I got an email from some chick who was inquiring the price of a breast augmentation with the reply email address being “tinybubbles@…”
I’ve read a few resumes but none out of the ordinary. Can’t wait for the Crazy Train to arrive!! AAAUUULLLLLL ABOARD!!
A carpenter steps onto a train.
The conductor yells, “Awl, aboard!”
Ads vs Reality…
Dude is stealing your shit…
Alice in WV says
mofo looks like he’s setup a paypal acct to help pay for his site, too … because it’s so popular n’all.
I received a resume from someone with an email address of Nawtybiotch@whatever.com.
Maybe they’re hiring over at Jacking the Box.
Along the same lines as “Jacking the Box,” someone from high school put on their profile that they live in Las Vegas and have been involved in the “gamming business” for 30 years.
I used to get absurd resumes all the time. One that comes to mind was hand written on a sheet of notebook paper and was full of errors. I remember under “Weaknesses” he put: I care too much.
And for the record I’m with whoever said, “fuck ’em” (more or less) the other day concerning your book talk. Fuck them indeed. I’m not a fan of the music talk but in such cases I just refrain from commenting. I certainly wouldn’t take the time to send you a letter outlining my disinterest in music discussions.
One thing though, I don’t get why you guys get so mad when others don’t recognize what you see as talent. Who gives a fuck, really? If you like it, great. Enjoy it.
That is all. At this time.
T. Farty McAppleass says
You piece of shit Philistine. You just said, “I certainly wouldn’t take the time to send you a letter outlining my disinterest in music discussions.” Right after you did just that. Shame on you. Rot in Hell.
Kiss my taint. I’m fucking your wife at this very moment. How can I type and fuck at the same time, you might ask? She’s no longer interesting. And don’t ever call me a Philistine again. Otherwise I’ll fuck your 19 year old daughter as well. Thanks for the free pussy and beer, shitbag – or should I start calling you “Dad”?
I had to go through a stack of resumes once at this place. I can’t recall seeing anything strange on them, but we had some strange people come in and out of here. I had one girl that we were potentially going to hire and when she came in for an interview, I called her references and the first place I called the lady told me that they canned her because she cussed her boss out one day. Which honestly, I can relate too, there have been many bosses I would have loved to cuss out and looking back on it, I probably should have, but the first thing I thought of is, ‘Why the hell would you put this place on your resume?” Just filter out the bad ones.
Then we had another lady come in here, dressed like a hobo, carrying a cat folder. We nick named her the Cat Folder lady, who didn’t get the job. She was a mean one. We’ve had unshowered ones with greasy Beetlejuice hair, snotty teenage girls with belly shirts on…you name it.
I think the worst resume I saw though, if that’s what you’d even call it, was from a 16 year old girl who’d never had a job. The resume consisted of a 5 sentence paragraph with no puncuation, explaining she’d never had a job with a phone number. I felt kind of bad for her actually, can’t blame her for trying, but a 16 year old with no obvious grammar or typing skills wouldn’t last 5 minutes in this office. This is an office on steroids and speed.
Bill in WV says
Just out of high school, working at a grocery store, who’s owner also owned the gas station next door. Doofuss we went to school with came in one day and filled out an application for work at the gas station. Under “position applying for” he wrote in “Pump Gas”. His nickname became forevermore Pump Gas.
“Pump Gas Nigga”
Fuck! I meant to leave that as a reply to Bill’s post.
Sounds like Punk Ass Nigga.
“Pump gas honkie”….fixed
“dirty clothes … almost under-armed them into the dishwasher” – That’s awesome! I did something similar recently: almost rubbed shaving cream into my hair one morning. The time a few years ago, it wasn’t “almost”.
I was once in a position to review resumes, but I got nothin’.
And that’s great news about Sunshine and Mumbles! Next best thing to an Eninen Visitation.
I don’t even know where to start. My very first interview as a manager I had to choose between a person in the process of gender re-assignment and a kid with prison style tattoos all over his fingers. Feeling that as a first time manager, I might not be fully prepared for the whole gender reassignment thing, I went with tattoo dude. Towards the end of that failed experiment I asked him what he had planned for the weekend. He said ‘i’m going to cut my ex up into little tiny pieces, cover her in BBQ sauce and feed her to the dogs.’
Fast forward several years and I’m interviewing a guy who really wants to make 3D models for virtual relaity games (and that’s not part of the job). He said he could make one of me that he could use to sell cars. WTF???? He then starts naming a list of names, as in ‘I got Oprah Winfrey, I got Ellen DeGeneres, I got the prime minister of Austrailia…” and I’m thinking ‘I guess he has 3D models of all these people’. I was corrected when he said ‘Yup, they all follow me on twitter’. So I looked him up. He was following about 300 12-year old Japanese girls and I didn’t see a single Oprah, Ellen or prime minister following him. That was interview gold right there.
Then there was the guy who listed his Career Objective as “make more money” go figure…
jim britton says
Sunshine, Mumbles, Nancy -N- Nostrils & Translucents!
It’s gonna be a Goooood Xmas!
jim britton says
I’ve never had the pleasure to vet resumes.
I get to read a lot of reports, though.
Just hired a girl with email@example.com as her email. Her parents called her princess as a kid and she was born in 1969…
Our company has a hall of shame for resumes and it’s loaded with gems.
Turn out the lights, the party’s over … Rest forever in peace; thanks for all the football and laughs.
Chuck in Belpre says
“Welcome to the Mile High City, … and I really am.”
Some Guy on the Innernets says
Way back in the 70s, Brylcreem came in a tube. Just like a toothpaste tube, in fact. For those who aren’t familiar with this substance, it’s a kind of hair goop we all used, probably made of toxic waste and petroleum leftovers. And boy does it taste nasty.
Worst than Preparation H?
You used it only if you wanted “slicked-back” hair. “Brylcreem, a little dab’ll do ya!” Nasty stuff, especially when the “dry look” was taking hold. Hair spray won out real fast.
I remember a commercial featuring a procession of pretty young men, each of whom tells the camera “I came back!”. Then they exclaim together, “We all came back – to Brylcreem!”
Shortly after that was “Dry Control by Vitalis”, which is funny since Vitalis was just another brand of Greasy Kid Stuff.
I may have the order reversed.
Some Guy on the Innernets says
Yeah, I remember the Dry Look commercials. What a bunch of sissies! It’s bad enough to smear low grade industrial lubricant on your head, but hair spray? That’d been a good way to get beat up down at the VFW.
Some Guy on the Innernets says
But then, I suppose I would never have sprayed that stuff on my toothbrush…
I interviewed a bloke for a job once and mentioned that there was a gap of about 15 years on his CV. He told me that he’d spent some time in prison, so I told him that this would not be held against him, but needed to ask what he had done
“Murder” he said, calm as you like! “I murdered my wife, but she was a bad’un”
Bloody hell! If he was prepared to murder his missus for being a “bad’un” then God knows what he would have done to a bastard like me.
I’ve seen some resumes, but usually just a quick review. I’ve got a pretty good bullshit detector, usually.
I’ve seen the resume come through where I work now twice for a guy I worked with in Indy. I told my boss hell no. After 3 months as an intern he didn’t know what basic parts of an airplane were (We’re in the aviation maintenance biz). Also he was commuting from Purdue to the Indy airport so he was always tired and would fall asleep at his desk. And he was rude, and so on.
What a douche.
Just looked at my resume, nothing too earth shattering, a bit long, but eh.