I’m very concerned about High-Neck and Vanelli. Well, concerned might not be the accurate word; nosy is more like it.
They live in the neighborhood, and our kids briefly played with theirs. The mother, High-Neck, is part-giraffe, I think, and for one entire summer had complicated medical scaffolding surrounding her head. She’s also known by the names Tower-Neck and Factory Chimney.
And the father looks something like this.
One of their kids (all of them?) has a severe allergy, and will supposedly blow up like Mrs. Puff if someone so much as drives past their house and yells, “Peanut brittle!” High-Neck raises nine varieties of hell if the school serves snacks manufactured in the same town a peanut is rumored to reside, and always seems ready to throw herself on a sandwich while screaming “NOOOOOOO!”
Anyway, their yard used to be a thing of beauty. In fact, it was featured in the newspaper a couple of years ago, after winning some sort of excellence-in-landscaping award. But you should see it now…
I don’t know what’s going on down there, but the High-Neck/Vanelli home is in a disturbing state of disrepair. The grass is uncut and unkempt, their screen door is hanging open and curved like a potato chip, one of their front windows is broken, and the wooden archway that used to cross their sidewalk is now lying on its side, in pieces.
The hell, man? Toney says she hasn’t seen the kids or ol’ Periscope Throat all summer, and we’re wondering if there’s some kind of marital difficulty going on.
But we don’t know for sure… and it’s driving us (me) crazy. Toney really needs to tap into her vast network of Aunt Bees and Clara Edwardses, to get the official gossip line on this deal. I mean, seriously.
We need closure on the chip-door.
And speaking of things marital, Toney and I will be celebrating our fifteenth wedding anniversary tomorrow. Fifteen years! It’s hard to believe it’s been so long.
We were married in Atlanta by a judge who hosted (hosts?) a local radio show, had a party that night at Swissotel (a kick-ass party, I might add), then spent a week in San Francisco.
And now it’s fifteen years later and we have a couple of great kids, a neurotic border collie, and a home in the suburbs of, um, Scranton. I have a feeling the Jeff & Toney of 1993 wouldn’t have too big of a problem with any of it…
I’m just glad the Jeff of 2008 remembered the date. ‘Cause I don’t have a very good track record in that department; not very good, at all.
Over the weekend I added a few more complete catalogs to the Big iPod: My Morning Jacket, Drive-By Truckers, You Am I, Kings of Leon, The Shins, Amy Winehouse, Arctic Monkeys, Let’s Active, Luna, and Dramarama.
Yeah, I know a few of those bands only have two or three albums. What of it? I still added their entire catalogs.
I also bought the Fleet Foxes CD at Best Buy on Sunday. It was on sale for $7.99, so I took ’em up on it. And yeah… I’ve only listened to it a couple of times, but do you think I could get my money back? Holy shitknuckles. It sounds like Crosby, Stills, and Nash – if they’d been born during the Rennaissance period.
But maybe it’ll grow on me? We’ll see.
Circuit Shitty advertised “All CDs $9.99!” on Sunday and Monday, and I told the Secrets we should go over there and buy a couple Beatles albums we don’t already have. Since, you know, they’re getting all Beatles-fanatic on me.
So we went, and it was a complete mess. The rock section of their CD department is one half-aisle, and everything was trashed. Don’t they ever straighten that shit? Well, I think I know the answer to that question, and the answer is NO.
The only Beatles albums we could find were novelty items like Love, and Let It Be…Naked. No thanks. Call me a radical, but I was thinking more along the lines of Abbey Road.
Disgusted, I began the process of storming out in a huff, when the older Secret found a copy of Magical Mystery Tour, mixed into the Led Zeppelin section (why hadn’t I thought to look there?!), so we bought it.
But I still can’t stand that store. On account of the suckin’.
And speaking of stores that suck so hard it hurts, why has Wal-Mart decided to make their new logo a cartoon rendering of a butthole? I don’t understand the logic of such a move.
Sure, I’ve sometimes remarked, while navigating the aisles of a Wal-Mart, that we’d somehow wandered into America’s unwiped ass. But to create an advertising campaign around it? It seems bizarre.
Plus, where’s the hyphen? That kind of thing bothers me, as well.
And just so we’re clear, I don’t have a problem with Wal-Mart on some high-horse anti-capitalistic basis; I have no issue with their success. No, I just can’t handle the clientele.
Big fat mamas walking around in stretched-out Flashdance shirts… Bobby Hill children with tails at the base of their buzzcuts… skeletal men in wife-beaters and filthy baseball caps… It’s too much for me.
Where we live there’s a Target located next-door to the Wal-Mart, and I go to Target every time. I don’t care if I have to pay an extra dollar per item, it’s worth it to me. Toney shops at Wal-Mart, but not when I’m with her. She knows I’ll only complain and bitch at length, and plans accordingly.
I used to work with a woman who bought everything from Wal-Mart: groceries, clothes, household items, oil changes, tires, eyeglasses, contact lenses, haircuts… You name it, she purchased it from the Walton family.
She was telling me all this, seemingly proud of her accomplishment, and I half-heartedly told her I prefer Target. And man, she acted like I’d just called one her kids ugly. The woman flew off the handle, and started getting all passionate with it… Fukkin crazy.
Another store I can’t stand, ironically enough, is Party City. For some reason that place makes me sad, and I do whatever I can to avoid it. The Secrets like going there around Halloween, because they have the insane decorations and whatnot, but it always leaves me feeling melancholy.
What chain stores do you hate, on a primal level like that? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’m going to leave you now with a bunch of fresh Smoking Fish pics, here and here. Thanks, as always! And keep ’em coming. Our logo, man, he gets around…
Plus, I have special treat for you folks today: the return of lakrfool! It’s been almost a year, but he’s back and funny as ever. Check it out. Great stuff.
And I’ll see ya tomorrow.
FIrst????
This day is unbelievably bad. I shit my pants while on a run this morning and it’s getting much, much worse!
Happy anniversary guys!
I live thousands of kilometers from your neighbours, and I have to know what’s going on. Please please find out.
And we don’t have Wal-Mart in Australia, but i’m certain i wouldn’t like it.
Wow!
An anniversary, and school starts and in the top 5!
Now if only my son hadn’t puked ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR, I’d be having an okay day.
Top 6! woo hoo!
@ sharon – I talked to Sam and he agrees. Australia is next to start getting WalMart’s. If we build it they will come is his motto!
most hated chain store…
Duane Reade. Home of the most miserable cashiers on the face of the planet.
any other NYers care to chime in on this one?
How-D!
Geez lakrfool-I’m guessing you’re either not married or that your wife has absolutely no chance of seeing what you just published. I’m would think that if you were or if she did you would need waaay more than “a half tube of KY” to EVER “pound that same old leathery snatch” again.
My least favorite chain store is Circuit City. It’s like a Montgomery Wards just before they went- mercifully- out of business.
It is the place to go for overpriced Monster Cables, however.
My most hated chain store, Burlington Coat Factory. I’m from Burlington (NJ) not (NH) and we never had a coat factory there. At least when I was a kid. Damn you Robert Halls…
Get your money back on Fleet Foxes, that album sucks longer and harder than a Heidi Fleiss hooker
I do not enjoy JCPenney’s. No real reason for it… I just don’t like it. I won’t even browse thru their Sunday sales circular.
Happy Anniversary! The Evil Twin and I will have #15 on October 30 of this year…
BTW, they did open an outlet store there in 72. I was living in Indiana by that time. Yippee!!!
How about Sloans Department Store
First of all, congratulations and happy anniversary.
I agree with everything Lakrfool says. Excellent guest spot.
Who the hell is Gino Vanneli?
I am uncomfortable/unhappy/full on pissed in any store where I have to shout to be heard at any distance greater than 6 inches. If I want to go to a hip hop show (please be assured that I don’t) I’ll buy a ticket and a bullet proof vest. I always wish I was a district manager on an inspection tour who would roll in there and start firing those morons.
I
And one more thing-
BEST BUNKER CAM EVER!
Happy Anniversary!
Most chain stores irritate me.
Home Depot. Becuase they can’t keep like items together in one area. Hiding specialized items with their respective building materials–which in itself is a good thing BUT also keep those tools in the TOOL section. Or, keep the darn styrofoam adhesive with every other adhesive and caulkings, don’t go wedging a little box between the full sheets on the 3 rack…
Best Buy. Becuase they are tools when it comes to running the registers.
Sears. Just rubs me the wrong way.
Canadian Tire. Becuase they are starting to follow the Home Depot model of hiding bits and peices around the store.
Congratulations on your anniversary. My wife and I will be celebrating the 15th iteration of her catastrophic lapse in judgement later this month. I’ll bet she’ll think twice about pickin’ up a guy in a cowboy bar next time. Michael’s is the worst chain store. Even the brand new ones look and feel like a crappy bric-a-brac skinner box.
I don’t care so much for Lowe’s or Home Depot. It’s not so much the store itself, I just don’t get why they even bother building more than one checkout station. There’s never more than one person checking people out, regardless of the season or how busy it is.
Lowe’s just put in a “self checkout” line and the requirement for using it seems to be that you can’t have any idea how it works. “Let’s see, scan your item. Okay. Put it in the bag. Oh, wait. Let’s see.” Pisses me off. Get out of the way, bastards. What, did you just get out of prison? Never seen one of these?
I was in Wal-Mart one time and saw a huge lady in one of those motor carts driving around the produce. She had 3 or 4 buzzcuts raising hell. She was drinking something right out of the carton. I didn’t look very closely. Then she dropped the empty on the floor and yelled at one of the buzzcuts to come pick it up. I glanced down at it. Heavy cream. She drank a quart of heavy cream straight from the carton.
And you might be shocked by Qweezy Mark, but it’s happened before. A cuppula times.
Stores that depress me.
Boscov’s downtown Wilkes-Barre. You could film a movie set in the ’60’s there, and only have to change the merchandise.
I hate Home Depot with the white hot intensity of 1000 suns, they may precipitate a tri-state killing spree if i return there. (and from Seattle the next nearest state is 165 miles, so the trei state thing would require considerable effort)
We have shpped recently at Wal-Mart – after midnight, it’s quite entertaining, like a lower class Springer show.
Pardon my mis-spellings
Happy Anniversary to Jeff & Toney.
Hate Wal Mart. Every person who works there looks like a skinny, dirty tattooed crack addict, and most of the shoppers bring their welfare spawn and let them run and scream and knock shit over.
I refuse to go in there. I will gladly pay $5.00 for a $2.00 bottle of shampoo at the Giant. Fuck ’em.
Big Lots! gives me an uneasy feeling. I only buy certain things there, because I feel like 75% of their stuff would either rip or snap into pieces with the slightest amount of pressure or usage. Plus, you really can’t get behind any place that has Jerry Van Dyke (a lesser Dick) as their spokesperson.
Also, in certain parts of Texas there is a supermarket chain called “Brookshire’s.” The quality of their products is inferior to the other stores, yet you always leave spending almost twice as much, even when you exclusively buy items on sale.
lakrfool,
Are there any H.E.B’s near you? I think the founder was Henry (Something) Butt. So a lot of people call them HE-Butt. They recently built a large one near my Mom’s house in Central Texas. I thought it was very nice.
Happy Anniversary Jeff & Toney from your very own San Francisco snob that won’t shop at any chain if she can help it. I’m all about Mom & Pops.
But, if pressed, will say that I hold special contempt for Home Depot. I do need to add that the only Wal Mart I have ever been to was very near the Oakland Colosseum. Anyone familiar with the Bay Area will understand.
Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
Not really a fan of IKEA. Cheap do it yourself, fall apart a year later, non-user friendly, brightly coloured Swedish garbage. I took an industrial design course in university and the teacher specifically mentioned that IKEA was the definition of Kitsch and that Scandinavian people laugh at us for buying the crap.
I spent the weekend camping with some fine American folk while attending the 52nd Annual Budweiser International Classic Weekend at the Oswego Speedway in upstate New York. (Half way between the Kay’s and N&N!) Great times, from what I can remember…four day benders are hard on this 33 year old body. I need a new liver and I don’t think I’ll do another beer funnel for a while (at least until next weekend in New Hampshire…)
Happy Anniversary to the Kay’s!
Jason- Unfortunately, Brookshire’s & HEB have some sort of agreement to never go into competition in the same market areas. HEB pretty much owns Cen TX, & Brookshire’s is prevalent in East TX…not sure why B’s is way out here in Brownwood.
What part of Cen TX does your Mom live?
Love the H-E-B. We have one in SW Austin nicknamed Gucci-B ’cause it’s so purty.
kelly – i definately don’t miss duane reade -you’re right. worst. cashiers. ever.
Big Lots. Any Dollar Store. Sears. And for some bizarre reason, party city makes me very depressed too, what IS that? Is it the lighting? The already bedraggled merchandise? I don’t know.
Ironic that others have mentioned HEB – I hate that store. In my city it is never very clean, the people at any of the counters have no freaking idea what it is they are selling and they can’t answer any questions (one couldn’t skin the scarlet snapper for us because he didn’t know HOW for the love of Pete!) and so often the workers are rude. I can’t count how many times a worker has all but run me over without even a backward glance (which is rare in these parts, darn it.)
And now, to top it all off, it is undergoing a massive overhaul so you have to search for whatever they are using for an entrance that day, which is usually near the long line of port-a-potties festering in the 105 degree heat.
And everything costs too much.
Noooo thank you!
I’d have to say K-mart brings out the doldrums. That place makes me want to cry every time I drive past it.
lakrfool,
She lives near Waco. That’s where I grew up. Now I’m living in Alabamie.
On a side note, I think I have a touch of dyslexia. Until just now I’ve always read your name as “larkfool” and thought, “A fool for larks? Weird.” But now I see that it’s “lakrfool”. You’re a fool for the Lakers, or maybe you’re a fool for lacquer. I don’t know. But either one is better than being a fool for larks. I have a lot more respect for you now.
“….Mandingo…you are wanted in Wrinkle Valley.”
LMAO!! That’s a classic line I think I’ll probably use about a million times before I die. Thanks Lakrfool!
I don’t think I’ve ever met a store I didn’t like, except the old dime store (years ago)in Charleston that smelled like month-old hot dog chili and bug spray.
Jason- It’s for the LA Lakers.
Here is some old shit that explains it in greater detail.
Didn’t know there were so many Texans that follow the Surf Report. If I drop a few “fixin tos” or “pertnears” it’s good to know they won’t be lost in translation.
lakrfool – You won’t lose me. I speak your language. The wife and I were at a friend’s place in Corpus Christi several years ago. She was ignert pregnant with my first little girl. Our host told us that some radio station was having a pregnant girls in bikinis contest. It involved painting the pregnant belly. I was all for it. She wasn’t. It took some time but she warmed up to the idea. She went shopping for a black bikini and I painted her stomach to look like Micky Mouse. Her huge breast served as Micky’s ears. She won. A thousand dollars. We blew it all in Texas.
Good times, brother, good times.
Jeff! Happy Congrats on making it through 15 years of wedded bliss! That’s quite an accomplishment by any estimation!
@Jorge – Gino was an R&B /Jazz vocalist from Montreal, Canada who hit a few cross over tunes back in 70’s and 80’s. He’s been producing since then, nothing major though. His biggest seller was Powerful People in which he had scored a couple hits off the album. He was also the first caucasian to appear on Soul Train. He is scheduled to release a new album sometime this year.
@Jorge – if you weren’t born until the 70’s or 80’s, you may have been a product of his music, get my drift!!!!
truly great update.
Happy Anniversary!
Gino Vanelli, I laughed out loud.
+1 on the Wal-Mart thing, for the very same reason. The cashiers, of course, culled from the clientle.
Stores I hate? Guitar Center. Every time I go in there a 35 year old bald guy with long hair, a black tee with a loud short sleeve shirt on that says something like ‘Dude, howzit goin’?
Plus, the din of 15 year olds playing either a)better than I could ever dream or b) shockingly bad.
m.
I wish the Beatles would hurry up and ink a deal with iTunes. I just want a digital copy of the White Album, that’s all I want. There’s not a White Album CD to be had in this town.
Wait….maybe there’s no White Album CD because its the White ALBUM???
I Hate walmart and until recently have not be in one in 8 years. I also detest Sears, JC penny’s and Duane Reade, I am not even a NYer and I hate that chain.
Jeff,
We are all over joyed to see that you have already purchased your halloween costume !! LMFAO…..
Jeff….we share the very same anniversary date. SO…an early happy anniversary to you and the Mrs!!!!!
I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer Jeff and his boss a happy anniversary. Good for you sir, good for you.
Wal-mart is not O.K. with me. In the same way that it is not “O.K.” for your stinkin’ pits farmer tanned neighbor in his “Dirty Dancing” muscle tee to try and crash the block party after mowing his lawn on a hot day…
Target and K-Mart are both clean (at least around here) and the people working and shopping there both speak English, bath, and eat on a regular basis. I used to be a truck driver and I’d make deliveries to Wal-Mart sometimes. Brother, all the Wal-mart dock workers at all the stores (except one oddly enough) were the biggest bunch of life-hatin’ wife/husband/dog beatin’, sons-of-bitches I’d ever seen. I was like three minutes late once making a delivery because I got the truck stuck in the snow that they didn’t bother to plow from out around the dock. The lady (!) at the check in, bitched and moaned for a good fifteen minutes with my boos on the phone, then looked at me a spit her chew wad on the floor in my direction. That was it for me and Wal-mart. I left without even closing the door and haven’t been back yet.
I think Amy Whorehouse is nasty too in that wore out, late 60’s hippy wanabe kinda way, but that’s just me…
>Her huge breast served as Micky’s ears. She won. A thousand dollars. We blew it all in Texas.
Good times, brother, good times.
That’s just beautiful.
I grow thick with excitment.
I hope for a brisket encounter…of sorts.