I’m very concerned about High-Neck and Vanelli. Well, concerned might not be the accurate word; nosy is more like it.
They live in the neighborhood, and our kids briefly played with theirs. The mother, High-Neck, is part-giraffe, I think, and for one entire summer had complicated medical scaffolding surrounding her head. She’s also known by the names Tower-Neck and Factory Chimney.
And the father looks something like this.
One of their kids (all of them?) has a severe allergy, and will supposedly blow up like Mrs. Puff if someone so much as drives past their house and yells, “Peanut brittle!” High-Neck raises nine varieties of hell if the school serves snacks manufactured in the same town a peanut is rumored to reside, and always seems ready to throw herself on a sandwich while screaming “NOOOOOOO!”
Anyway, their yard used to be a thing of beauty. In fact, it was featured in the newspaper a couple of years ago, after winning some sort of excellence-in-landscaping award. But you should see it now…
I don’t know what’s going on down there, but the High-Neck/Vanelli home is in a disturbing state of disrepair. The grass is uncut and unkempt, their screen door is hanging open and curved like a potato chip, one of their front windows is broken, and the wooden archway that used to cross their sidewalk is now lying on its side, in pieces.
The hell, man? Toney says she hasn’t seen the kids or ol’ Periscope Throat all summer, and we’re wondering if there’s some kind of marital difficulty going on.
But we don’t know for sure… and it’s driving us (me) crazy. Toney really needs to tap into her vast network of Aunt Bees and Clara Edwardses, to get the official gossip line on this deal. I mean, seriously.
We need closure on the chip-door.
And speaking of things marital, Toney and I will be celebrating our fifteenth wedding anniversary tomorrow. Fifteen years! It’s hard to believe it’s been so long.
We were married in Atlanta by a judge who hosted (hosts?) a local radio show, had a party that night at Swissotel (a kick-ass party, I might add), then spent a week in San Francisco.
And now it’s fifteen years later and we have a couple of great kids, a neurotic border collie, and a home in the suburbs of, um, Scranton. I have a feeling the Jeff & Toney of 1993 wouldn’t have too big of a problem with any of it…
I’m just glad the Jeff of 2008 remembered the date. ‘Cause I don’t have a very good track record in that department; not very good, at all.
Over the weekend I added a few more complete catalogs to the Big iPod: My Morning Jacket, Drive-By Truckers, You Am I, Kings of Leon, The Shins, Amy Winehouse, Arctic Monkeys, Let’s Active, Luna, and Dramarama.
Yeah, I know a few of those bands only have two or three albums. What of it? I still added their entire catalogs.
I also bought the Fleet Foxes CD at Best Buy on Sunday. It was on sale for $7.99, so I took ’em up on it. And yeah… I’ve only listened to it a couple of times, but do you think I could get my money back? Holy shitknuckles. It sounds like Crosby, Stills, and Nash – if they’d been born during the Rennaissance period.
But maybe it’ll grow on me? We’ll see.
Circuit Shitty advertised “All CDs $9.99!” on Sunday and Monday, and I told the Secrets we should go over there and buy a couple Beatles albums we don’t already have. Since, you know, they’re getting all Beatles-fanatic on me.
So we went, and it was a complete mess. The rock section of their CD department is one half-aisle, and everything was trashed. Don’t they ever straighten that shit? Well, I think I know the answer to that question, and the answer is NO.
The only Beatles albums we could find were novelty items like Love, and Let It Be…Naked. No thanks. Call me a radical, but I was thinking more along the lines of Abbey Road.
Disgusted, I began the process of storming out in a huff, when the older Secret found a copy of Magical Mystery Tour, mixed into the Led Zeppelin section (why hadn’t I thought to look there?!), so we bought it.
But I still can’t stand that store. On account of the suckin’.
And speaking of stores that suck so hard it hurts, why has Wal-Mart decided to make their new logo a cartoon rendering of a butthole? I don’t understand the logic of such a move.
Sure, I’ve sometimes remarked, while navigating the aisles of a Wal-Mart, that we’d somehow wandered into America’s unwiped ass. But to create an advertising campaign around it? It seems bizarre.
Plus, where’s the hyphen? That kind of thing bothers me, as well.
And just so we’re clear, I don’t have a problem with Wal-Mart on some high-horse anti-capitalistic basis; I have no issue with their success. No, I just can’t handle the clientele.
Big fat mamas walking around in stretched-out Flashdance shirts… Bobby Hill children with tails at the base of their buzzcuts… skeletal men in wife-beaters and filthy baseball caps… It’s too much for me.
Where we live there’s a Target located next-door to the Wal-Mart, and I go to Target every time. I don’t care if I have to pay an extra dollar per item, it’s worth it to me. Toney shops at Wal-Mart, but not when I’m with her. She knows I’ll only complain and bitch at length, and plans accordingly.
I used to work with a woman who bought everything from Wal-Mart: groceries, clothes, household items, oil changes, tires, eyeglasses, contact lenses, haircuts… You name it, she purchased it from the Walton family.
She was telling me all this, seemingly proud of her accomplishment, and I half-heartedly told her I prefer Target. And man, she acted like I’d just called one her kids ugly. The woman flew off the handle, and started getting all passionate with it… Fukkin crazy.
Another store I can’t stand, ironically enough, is Party City. For some reason that place makes me sad, and I do whatever I can to avoid it. The Secrets like going there around Halloween, because they have the insane decorations and whatnot, but it always leaves me feeling melancholy.
What chain stores do you hate, on a primal level like that? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’m going to leave you now with a bunch of fresh Smoking Fish pics, here and here. Thanks, as always! And keep ’em coming. Our logo, man, he gets around…
Plus, I have special treat for you folks today: the return of lakrfool! It’s been almost a year, but he’s back and funny as ever. Check it out. Great stuff.
And I’ll see ya tomorrow.
Brother, all the Wal-mart dock workers at all the stores (except one oddly enough) were the biggest bunch of life-hatin’ wife/husband/dog beatin’, sons-of-bitches I’d ever seen.
Yeah. Amy Winehouse is a terrible junkie-ass whore.
But I want her in the way that chicks want Sid Vicious..or his corpse.
The Longhorn Ballroom in Dallas:
jim britton says
Happy Anniversary to J & T Kay! And here’s to 15 more yrs of good times and good libations for you both.
Me & my better half just celebrated 26 yrs. of knot tying last week. Had to break out the Maker’s Mark a tad early this year….
I hoist my already well used glass in a toast to you both!
I would congratulate JK on his anniversary if I weren’t bitter about my failed marriage.
Oh, pa-shaw…congrats on making it work JK. It takes a big man to suck it up & take one for the team.
Wal-Mart’s new logo has nothing on Arby’s logo – or is it just us Europeans who can’t see it as anything other than a cartoon dick?
Dr. Klahn says
By god, it -does- look like a butthole. But then, Amazon’s logo looks like a disappointing erection. How does a Fortune 500 firm manage to adopt an obviously bad logo?
Sorry, Winehouse is suck a skank I wouldn’t do her with Jeff Kay’s wang and Buck pushing. yech.
thats SUCH a skank. One typo kinda wrecks it.
I’m coming to Texas. Momma is turnin 70. I was too stupid to get airplane tickets. So now we have to drive for 14 hours through the hurricane. My big-titty wife has agreed to tag along. I’ll take pictures if I can. And we have a car load of kids too (all of them split-tails) so it should be a real pleasure.
OMG…the Arby’s logo does look like a “turtleneck” and Walmart’s looks like a bunghole. I hope there’s never a merger….not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Mrs. Wally says
I lived in Austin for highschool and the start of college. Love that damn city. My parents relocated down there a few years ago. They live in Horseshoe Bay. They have the best H.E.B. ever. So glad that we can Shiner Bock here in Illinois finally. That also makes Wally happy. We just celebrated our 7th. Can’t believe he has put up with me this long! Congrats to the Kay’s!!!!
Mrs. Wally says
Sorry ya’ll that post was very A.D.D of me. I think I had way tooo much coffee this morning!
Isn’t Shiner Bock the cure for ADD?
ms. barbara jane says
The Arby’s logo totally looks like a cartoon dick. I couldn’t believe their new ad campaign, all I could see was “I’m thinkin’ cock”.
Here in The Great White North the worst store ever is Canadian Tire. Nobody knows anything, they are completely disinterested and slack jawed when you ask them for help. I once called customer service to find a bike I wanted to buy and I was put on hold, transfered and hung up on 3 times. I’m sure there are some great people who work there but I have never had the pleasure.
Late, but still a the party –
Happy Anniversary y’all. 15 years is impressive.
I do not care for WalMart, any dollar store, the Big Lots, or KMart. Looks like I’m in good company here. I love the DEALS at those stores, but the din, the dirt, the denizens (oooh, alliteration) are all too much for this average white chick. Target gets my vote for ‘discount’ department store – note that they do NOT have teevees blaring above your head and various obnoxious musical offerings assaulting you at every turn, and that by and large the cashiers can count and say ‘hello’ without looking like they’d rather tit-punch you than speak a word.
not to mention that even in the ulta-suburban firmly middle class area where I live there seems to be large numbers of human dregs occupying the aisles. Where do they all COME from?
Mrs. Wally says
Yes it is but I am at work and the boss frowns on me drinking at my desk!
Pesky frowning bosses and their no drinking alcohol at the desk policies….
Son of Sam says
Jason I have fambly in West..know the area?
Daniel Likes to Dance says
Hobby Lobby = Epic Fail
I worked in their distribution warehouse as a temp employee one summer and they would have “voluntary prayer” meetings for everyone. I heard stories about the full timers going just so they could have a break and if you objected then you would never get raises or promoted.
Oh and my supervisor was in the middle of a nervous breakdown too! It was one of those long slow going crazy breakdowns. He would scream at us about riding on the carts and then start crying at the same time. Good times!
Dave the Other says
Happy 15th to you both. 9/3 of ’93. Interesting and I’m sure there’s a numerology voodoo mojo thing at work here for you guys. Very cool.
Kmart. It smells like popcorn, polyester, and shattered dreams. It feels like a sanitarium in there. The patrons aren’t quite as gauche as in Wally World. Probably because they slink behind clothes racks due to the shame.