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Hick in the City: A Surf Report Road Trip, vol. 3

June 9, 2011 By Jeff 123 Comments

As I emerged from the subway station in Brooklyn, I saw a sign that reminded me of a stoopid joke I heard years ago:

Q: What do Brooklyn and pantyhose have in common?
A: Flatbush

Yes, we’re all buckled-over in laughter now, huh?  Anyway, I was apparently in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn, and made a mental note to investigate the possibility of making a pilgrimage to the former site of Ebbets Field, later in the day. It had to be nearby, I knew.

In the meantime, I was supposed to call Jenny, my agent, as soon as I got off the train.  I was running about fifteen minutes behind schedule, so any exploring would have to wait until later.

Jenny apparently lives and/or works nearby, and was there within five minutes.  Despite her back pain, she was very upbeat and friendly.  When my back hurts I feel like telling everyone to ram it deep and on a slant.  But if she felt that way, she’s very good at hiding it.

As we walked toward the restaurant, Jenny told me that years ago two planes collided and a large passenger jet crashed into the middle of this neighborhood.  Here’s some info on it, and here are a bunch of photos.  Pretty amazing.  I looked around and didn’t see any obvious scars on the buildings, but apparently a few still exist.

We had lunch at a Cuban restaurant, and I was suddenly wheezing and suffering from the early onset of kazoo-neck.  What the hell?  I’d been fine all day, but now my hay fever was kicking-up something fierce.  Was I allergic to Brooklyn?  Probably not, but it seemed that way.

We ordered our meals, and began talking about my plans, and how I should proceed.  She asked how Crossroads Road was coming along, and I admitted that it’s selling well, but not great.  She reminded me that promotion should be yet another of my full-time jobs.

This was my first time meeting Jenny face-to-face, but I was already very fond of her.  She’s exactly the kind of agent I need:  funny, smart, not afraid to voice an opinion, and down-to-earth.  I don’t want to burn any bridges here… but she’s almost the exact opposite of what I had before.  I feel very lucky to have her by my side.

“What’s wrong with your eyes?” she said at one point, and I tried to blow it off.  What am I, Nostrils now?  Will I need to start carrying a puffer soon?  Sheesh.  I was struggling, but trying to hide it.  And she was suffering from back pain, and probably trying to put that out of her mind, as well.  We were the walking-wounded, eating Cuban food in Brooklyn.

We got some things accomplished during our lunch meeting, and I’ve decided what my next project is going to be.  I’m planning to start work on an outline, notes, etc. right away, and get into the writing once school cranks-up again.  During the summer I’m going to focus most of my energy on Crossroads Road, and trying to make complete strangers interested enough to read it.

So, I came away from it with a battle plan, and that makes me feel better.  I don’t like being adrift…

We said our goodbyes near the subway station, and I told her I was going to do a little exploring before returning to Manhattan.  “You can probably buy some Benadryl at one of these stores around here,” she offered.  I guess I wasn’t doing a very good job of masking my weird hay fever flare-up?

I found a shady place on the street, and took out my phone.  Within roughly one minute, I had the address of the old Ebbets Field, and typed it into Google Maps.  Just 1.8 miles from where I was standing…  Huh.  That’s not very far, but not exactly right around the corner, either.

I thought about it, and decided against such an adventure.  I felt really weird, and knew that at the end of my two-mile walk, I’d just be staring at a big apartment building.  That’s what they built on hallowed ground…  Check it out.

I just walked around the neighborhood, and looked at the old brownstone apartments.  Very cool.  I tried to imagine how it was during the 1940s, and it wasn’t too difficult an exercise.  Except for the modern cars everywhere, I have a feeling things looked roughly the same.  Roughly the same, with kids playing stickball in the street.

I took the train back to Port Authority, and would have found a bar under normal circumstances.  But since I’m on an almost month-long no-beer streak, I decided against it.  It was about 4:30 now, and I felt like I’d been beaten with a pillowcase full of new potatoes.  So I just went downstairs and boarded a bus back to Scranton.

And it was packed…  What the hell, man?  I don’t understand why so many people shuttle back and forth between those two places.  Granted, most would undoubtedly get off in the Poconos (also baffling), but many would go all the way to the end of the line.  Like me.

There weren’t too many open seats, and I sat down beside a guy wearing an Amazon dotcom t-shirt, windbreaker, and baseball cap.  After I got my big ass situated, I said, “So, do you work for Amazon, or just really, really like them?”  He laughed, but made it clear that he wasn’t interested in any lengthy chats.  And that’s cool.  I don’t like people either.

Immediately I fell asleep, and kept jerking awake.  I was paranoid about snoring.  I had it in my mind that I was clear-cutting timber, just wide-open.  I don’t know if it was true, but every time I drifted off I’d get self-conscious in my sleep.  Yes, I’m riddled with neuroses.

After we shed 75% of the passengers in the Poconos, the bus broke down.  I don’t know what was going on, but the driver pulled into a parking lot and the engine was revving way up.  “We can’t continue in this bus,” he announced across his shoulder, and every person simultaneously groaned.

The idiot white trash couple seated behind me commenced to bitching, and never stopped until the replacement bus arrived and we were on our way again.  “This is fucking bullshit,” they kept repeating, in front of their 12 year old son.  I wanted to turn around and tell them to shut the hell up, but suspected that all three of them could kick my ass.

It wasn’t a long wait, and within fifteen minutes or so, we were back on the road.  And when I got on the new bus, I was rid of ol’ Amazon Gift Shop, and snagged a seat without a partner.  Ahhh… much better.

We arrived in Scranton around 7:30, and I went to Wendy’s for a quick dinner.  And I looked around at all the people wearing enormous t-shirts and flip-flops and filthy baseball caps…  Man, oh man.  It didn’t take long for my New York trance to be broken.

I was back in the “real” world.

Next time I’ll get back to the regular stuff.  Thanks for sticking with me through this trilogy…  Nancy and the gang will be arriving later tonight, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to update tomorrow.  Probably not, but who knows what might happen.

So, I’ll see you guys as soon as possible.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road just 99 cents through Friday!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. madz1962 says

    June 9, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    FIRST (I hope)

    Reply
  2. kristin says

    June 9, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Hi Surfers!

    Reply
  3. madz1962 says

    June 9, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Jeff, it sounds like you had a very productive trip to the Big Apple. Congratulations.

    Reply
  4. Gordie says

    June 9, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Good afternoon surf reporters. I’m top ten baby!

    Reply
  5. Greg says

    June 9, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    It’s amazing how such a short trip can take you into a completely different world. Sounds like you got a lot accomplished. Glad that smartphone worked out so well. I’m interested to see what marketing surprises you have for us.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      June 9, 2011 at 3:21 pm

      I don’t need to reach you guys, I need to reach people who don’t know anything about me or this website. So, you might not notice anything out of the ordinary, but I’m gonna be pimping the book in the background. In fact, I am already.

      Reply
      • t-storm says

        June 9, 2011 at 6:52 pm

        What if anything can we do to help?

        Reply
  6. cashoe says

    June 9, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    ehhh,
    I got nothing. Its too damn hot to be snarky.

    Reply
  7. JCIII says

    June 9, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….

    Eninen visiting? Awesomeness! Can’t wait to read about the tomfoolery and shenanigans…

    Reply
    • sunshine_in_va says

      June 9, 2011 at 3:28 pm

      No shit. And it seems as if Jeff’s edginess and sarcasm has just slid past 7.3 and ‘in to the red’. Unless the whole clan shows up over-medicated on cough syrup, they’re arriving just as Jeff is hitting his stride and in fine fettle. Like grooving a pitch down the middle to Barry Bonds.

      Reply
  8. Dave says

    June 9, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Top 10. That never happens. 🙂

    Reply
  9. Good2go says

    June 9, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    I hope you don’t assume everyone who uses an inhaler is Nostrils-esque.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      June 9, 2011 at 3:23 pm

      Heh. No, I understand about asthma, etc. Just making an easy joke…

      Reply
  10. sunshine_in_va says

    June 9, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    I LOL’d:

    “And that’s cool. I don’t like people either.”

    Reply
  11. xcruser88x says

    June 9, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Anyone else having problems reaching the site today? Jeff, I emailed you about it. If I google wvsr and click on the first result, or click through from my google reader, it takes me to a russian site that my work filter identifies as pornography. That filter also identifies my student loan company’s page as pornography, so it’s not necessarily accurate, or maybe it just has a sense of humor.

    Reply
    • JCIII says

      June 9, 2011 at 3:40 pm

      yes, I hit the link Jeff posted on Twitter, and Norton threw up a big “no no” warning.

      Reply
    • Jeff says

      June 9, 2011 at 4:03 pm

      What the crap?? Is it just the links that appear on Twitter? Those are generated automatically, btw. Is there a problem beyond the Twitter links?

      Reply
      • Good2go says

        June 9, 2011 at 4:09 pm

        Twitter link brought up a bunch of nastiness for me. I clicked my bookmark to the main page and clicked this update and all was good.

        Reply
        • Jeff says

          June 9, 2011 at 4:18 pm

          I’ve opened a support ticket with my hosting company. I don’t care for this kind of nonsense… It happens with Mockable, too.

          Reply
          • JCIII says

            June 9, 2011 at 4:24 pm

            Accessing the WVSR through my bookmarked page was no problem.

            Reply
            • Monica says

              June 9, 2011 at 4:45 pm

              Bookmarked page loaded just fine, but the link in my email alert sent me to a 404 error…server problem, check back later. Technology is so fickle.

              Reply
            • CADude says

              June 9, 2011 at 5:17 pm

              The shortcut I’ve saved in RocketDock worked just fine, but then I just had to try the Google search for “wvsr”. The link that purports to lead to this site resulted in a red alert from my antivirus (ESET), and some of the nastiness that I’ve heard comes from clicking on a bad porn site. Not that I’d recognize it, of course, but it started a “Computer Scan” and even had a click-through after closing the window to verify that I wanted to leave the site. It’s taken hours to clean up a computer after one of those episodes (uh, so I’ve heard), so I won’t be doing that again.

              Reply
  12. icecycle66 says

    June 9, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    My response to the flatbush joke can be found at the following link.

    http://schools-wikipedia.org/images/801/80101.jpg.htm

    Reply
  13. Bill in WV says

    June 9, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    N&N visit…..my nipples explode with delight !!

    Reply
    • uncle_wedgie says

      June 9, 2011 at 4:13 pm

      I will be checking my VIP email real regularly

      Reply
  14. clintcurtis says

    June 9, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    @Jeff….YES promotion should be a major part! I’ve mentioned Crossroads Road on my radio show…but you really need to come to Nome, Alaska and do a book signing thing during the Midnight Sun Folk Festival later this month.

    Weird how life can change “seemingly” overnight. A few years ago I was so worried fot you when you lost your job…now you are in the “almost famous” category. Jeff, pleeeeeeze don’t get too famous to update the Surf Report a few times a week, Heck there is a new novel in your readers all alone. …but if they make it into a movie, I want to be played by the ghost of Bea Arthur!

    Reply
  15. Jason says

    June 9, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    My neighbor Dan loves his weed. No problem, he keeps to himself. But he came out last night and saw me on the swing, drinking beers. Then he came over and decided to have few beers with me. I could tell he was baked out of his mind. He kept bringing up deep, weird shit. So I decided to play with him.

    I said, “Dan, do you realize that everything you eat turns to either shit or puke? Everything! That can’t be good for your body, carrying around all that shit and puke all the time.” He sat and pondered that for a while. The he got up and walked without saying a word. So maybe I blew his mind. I don’t know.

    Reply
    • hardoxdan says

      June 9, 2011 at 9:43 pm

      Jason, you are my neighbor? Holy shit.

      Reply
  16. bikerchick says

    June 9, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    A visit from the fambly!! Oh goodie!!

    Reply
  17. t-storm says

    June 9, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    I got the first of possibly 3 deliveries of furniture today.
    My living room now loooks less like a freshly abandoned shithole and more like an adult type of dwelling.
    One major exception is the stark white cable strung across an archway using picture hangers from a working cable outlet to where the BAT sits now. There is a cable outlet at the new location but it is not hooked up which means I need to get into the cable box (locked) or get into the crawlspace under the house.
    I haven’t been down there yet and am not looking forward to it. I’ve spent my time under buildings and don’t enjoy it.

    I bought a digital bathroom scale last night, 268 lbs. Bleah.

    Reply
    • Greg says

      June 9, 2011 at 7:40 pm

      Good luck on the cabling project. Glad everything is finally coming together. Re: scale: Digits lie!

      Reply
      • t-storm says

        June 9, 2011 at 7:55 pm

        It looks a lot worse in binary 100001100. Sheesh!

        Reply
        • Greg says

          June 9, 2011 at 8:12 pm

          Maybe that would be grams.

          Reply
          • hardoxdan says

            June 9, 2011 at 9:45 pm

            Or kilo grams, that man is BIG!

            Reply
            • bikerchick says

              June 10, 2011 at 8:31 am

              Nothing like new furniture until some dickbeater spills something on it. Have fun decorating your Man Cave! When’s the house warming party??

              Reply
  18. chill says

    June 9, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    Jeff, glad to hear the trip went well.

    t-storm, I like basements better than crawlspaces. Much better.

    Some fuckstick smashed my car window last night, so I’ll be on the phone to the insurance company. Good times.
    .

    Reply
    • t-storm says

      June 9, 2011 at 9:49 pm

      I like basements too, but in Oklahoma those are few and far between. The house has a shitty basement for the water heater and dead hookers, but that’s about it.

      Reply
    • WB in OH says

      June 11, 2011 at 7:59 pm

      I hit my insurance man’s car with a high slicing golf ball Thursday evening. He said he’d take care of it. He was more amazed at how far I hit the ball, I reminded him it didn’t really matter if you can’t keep it out of the parking lot.

      Reply
      • Chuck in Belpre says

        June 11, 2011 at 9:45 pm

        I once hit a drive that hooked so bad it ended up BEHIND me.

        Reply
        • WB in OH says

          June 12, 2011 at 12:36 am

          I’ve topped a couple that bounced backwards but I find your 180 degree hook improbable. But as a fellow buckeye, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt! lol

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            June 12, 2011 at 1:19 am

            At Ocean Shores Golf Club, I pushed a drive smack into a tree and it returned to me at such a velocity that it nearly made the propagation of subsequent Baskets impossible.

            jtb

            Reply
            • clintcurtis says

              June 12, 2011 at 3:27 am

              My first time golfing, the guy I was with allowed me a mulligan of the first tee. I actually hit it, but sliced it and it went out over the highway adjacent to the course, and bounced off the roof of a Pleasant’s County school bus. My friend was so doubled up on the ground in laughter, that he looked like he was passing a kidney stone (sans the laughter, of course!)

              johnthebasket…Ocean Shores Golf Club? Is that by any chance Ocean Shores, Washington?

              Reply
              • johnthebasket says

                June 12, 2011 at 7:01 am

                Clint…

                Sure, Ocean Shores Golf Club, now Ocean Shores Golf Course. Constructed with capital from Pat Boone and his cronies back in the 1960s when Ocean Shores was going to be the next Carmel/Pebble Beach.

                Pat neglected to inform his investors that when it isn’t foggy and cold in Ocean Shores, it’s drizzling and cold. Everything went to hell in about three years. Now it’s just a funky tourist town with beautiful beaches if you don’t mind the fog and drizzle.

                Since I’m from Washington, I wouldn’t know what to do at the beach without fog and drizzle, so I kinda like it there. There’s now an Indian casino, which takes the sting out of the frostbite.

                I took my first step just north of Ocean Shores in 1950. I haven’t stopped stepping there yet.

                jtb

                Reply
                • clintcurtis says

                  June 12, 2011 at 7:29 am

                  That is totally cool! One of my best friends from here in Nome (originally from Hoquiam) is retiring to Ocean Shores in July! And weirdness of weirdness, speaking of golf…Jack Nicklaus made a brief stop here in Nome, Alaska last week to have his plane refueled before going on to South Korea to design a golf course.

                  …P.S. Have you ever been out to Gray’s Harbor Speedway?

                • johnthebasket says

                  June 12, 2011 at 10:48 am

                  Clint…

                  Although I’ve driven by the Speedway many times, I’ve never spent a day or evening there. I’m always either on my way to or from the ocean, and eager to reach my destination.

                  On the Ocean Shores front…given the economy, I imagine one can procure a pretty nice retirement house or condo, either right on the ocean or close to the beach for a pretty reasonable amount.

                  jtb

          • Chuck in Belpre says

            June 12, 2011 at 12:52 pm

            Well…you weren’t there so I am going to insist that it’s true.
            =8^-)

            Reply
  19. t-storm says

    June 9, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    I just watched a slideshow on top 15 athletes that went bankrupt.
    It seems to me these guys just need a decent accountant and a slap to the face every now and then.

    Reply
    • Gretchen says

      June 9, 2011 at 10:39 pm

      Yeah, exactly how many solid gold bidets and spoon-fed albino koala bears does one need anyhow?

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        June 10, 2011 at 7:22 am

        My experience, from when I had a pot to piss in, is keep the koalas away from the bidet. Those bastards started a water fight that I’m STILL cleaning up from.

        jtb

        Reply
        • Gretchen says

          June 10, 2011 at 9:52 am

          What’s the expression? “You can lead a koala to water, but you can’t make him drink while he’s refilling his water pistols.”

          Reply
  20. Satanic Pig says

    June 9, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    Hey Jeff,
    I got a ride to the site of the former Ebbets field when I was a kid. It wasn’t worth it, you didn’t miss anything except a crappy housing project. I don’t know what that neighborhood is like these days but maybe a wise decision not to go. There’s a pretty good cheesecake restaurant on Flatbush avenue near the Brooklyn bridge but I can’t remember the name of it any more.

    Reply
  21. johnthebasket says

    June 10, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Jeff…

    There are no terrific meds for combating allergies, but my allergy friends all carry antihistamines to manage the worst symptoms. They have few side effects, and will reasonably well dry you up for a while.

    You are entirely welcome to your no drug policy, but meds like aspirin, antihistamines, vitamins and antibiotics have fewer side effects than a six of your favorite brew. There will come a time when your doc suggests cholesterol, blood pressure, anxiety, or pain meds. Some people will tell you that eating fish gizzards or drinking lots of pig blood or other awful shit is a reasonable substitute. Mostly, it isn’t. Cholesterol and blood pressure levels, for example, are materially a matter of DNA. By all means, chow down on fish gizzards, but when those fail to work take the meds. I’d like you to live a very long life.

    jtb

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      June 10, 2011 at 9:23 am

      jtb – my husbnad successfuly lowered his blood pressure AND cholesterol without meds. Made a few changes in his diet and takes a shitload of supplements – including the fish gizzard – fish oil. It really can be done if you’re willing to make changes. He’s 62 years old and looks younger than guys int heir 50s! (OK, Im beginning to sound like a commercial now).

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        June 11, 2011 at 6:25 am

        madz…

        Congrats to the hubby. About 20% of men over 50 can lower LDL and raise HDL sufficiently with diet and exercise. The five year success rate of this 20% is a little less than 50%, which means that about one out of ten American men can make the numbers using diet and exercise only. And that’s great. Good diet, weight management and regular exercise benefits many parts of the body, so if you can do it, do it.

        If not, take the meds (you should still watch fat intake and exercise of course). An LDL under 100 and an HDL over 40 (with appropriate triglyceride levels) can statistically reduce five year heart attack risk by up to 80% and five year stroke risk by up to 50%.

        Now where did I put that fucking cheesecake?

        jtb

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          June 11, 2011 at 6:34 am

          madz…

          By the way, low cholesterol doesn’t make you look younger. That’s genetics. Your ol’ man was probably just a handsome guy from the git-go. Of course, living like Keith Richards can make you look like Keith Richards, so the hubby probably stayed away from the heavy drugs and that second bottle of scotch.

          jtb

          Reply
          • clintcurtis says

            June 12, 2011 at 3:42 am

            Speaking OF Keith Richards…his wife is Patti Hansen, the girl in the white sweater in Rick Springfiel’s movie Hard to Hold.” Hey, if I was guaranteed a wife that pretty, I’d be hittin’ the booze, smokes, and drugs really hard(er)! lol

            Reply
            • clintcurtis says

              June 14, 2011 at 3:47 am

              Dunno HDL from LDL, but I did significantly lower my blood pressure when I divorced my first wife,, lol! Of course, now I’m married again with a couple of crumb snatchers. I truly am a heart attack waiting to happen. But hey, at least they take the Summer off and spend it with Grandma back on the East Coast!

              Reply
  22. Greg says

    June 10, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Luck vs. Stewart vs. Holgerson. What a mess.

    Reply
    • Chuck in Belpre says

      June 10, 2011 at 11:48 pm

      Holgerson will be a disaster.

      Reply
  23. Henderson says

    June 10, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Great update Jeff!

    Anyone notice that in the pic of the apartments sitting on Ebbets field, the one on the 21st floor on the left has a target painted on the roof of the balcony?

    Why?

    Reply
    • uncle_wedgie says

      June 11, 2011 at 1:38 am

      How in the heck did you notice that?

      Reply
  24. JCIII says

    June 11, 2011 at 1:18 am

    Good Morning Surf Reporters…..

    I think I figured it out.

    JK was in Brooklyn. Borough has a large population of former/current citizens of the Soviet Union.

    JK used his wireless while in said neighborhood.

    Certain unsavory links soon began appearing.

    I think I’ve said too much already…

    Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      June 12, 2011 at 3:32 am

      Bah, we have much more important thigs to do, like chasing after Moose and Squirrell.

      Sincerely,

      Fearless Leader

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        June 13, 2011 at 7:44 am

        Moose and Squirrel. It’s alvays Moose and Squirrel.

        Reply
  25. doctorright says

    June 11, 2011 at 2:19 am

    Fun.
    Am I in the wrong place?

    Reply
  26. Jason says

    June 11, 2011 at 2:49 am

    “Miraculously, a young passenger from Illinois, Stephen Baltz, flying unaccompanied aboard the United flight, actually survived the crash but died of his injuries the following morning.”

    That’s not a miracle. That’s just a tragedy with a snooze button.

    Reply
  27. Kevindust says

    June 11, 2011 at 2:56 am

    Thanks for the triad, it’s a heck of an entertaining read.

    I find it curious that you refuse to go #2 at work but you managed to fall asleep on a bus while paranoid about snoring. It seems to me that you are much more vulnerable in a semi conscious state, sharing a seat on public transportation than say; on high alert, locked in a thin walled steel and porcelain cubicle inside a security controled building.

    Lots of weird photos are popping up on the interweb, let’s hope that Amazon Boy wasn’t a Tea-Bagger.

    Reply
  28. Gretchen says

    June 11, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Vintage photos, Brooklyn, 1974:

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/buzzbrewery/brooklyn-summer-1974-397c

    Reply
  29. Gordion Knott says

    June 11, 2011 at 11:42 am

    >After we shed 75% of the passengers in the Poconos, the bus broke down. I don’t know what was going on, but the driver pulled into a parking lot and the engine was revving way up.

    This happened to me, also on a bus departing Port Authority. A sleety day, and the wipers on the driver’s side began to fade, then conk out completely. He pulled onto the shoulder of the freeway, and the 45 minute wait began. Finally, a bus appeared. We were ordered to walk through two inches of sleet–yes, on the throughway shoulder, next to zooming cars–to board. My feet were cold, but I was happy. My seatmate had been making numerous cellphone calls, attempting to free himself from an onerous debt–drug or crime based, from the look of it–and I was relieved to be free of him.

    Reply
  30. Son of Sam says

    June 11, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    sounds like the desiel engine in the bus needed to regenerate the exaust…new regulations don’t ya know?
    fuckin greenies

    Reply
  31. Jason says

    June 12, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Let’s be honest here, contrary to popular belief, there wasn’t a lot of oral sex going on in the old west. The hygiene was just too bad. No dude wanted to go down on an untamed bush that hadn’t seen a bath in 6 six months. And vice-versa. This, my friends, made lesbianism very rare indeed.

    Reply
  32. dto says

    June 12, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    So… I said to the guy I was dancing with….

    WB…still on for the game? My old-school shirt and hat are freshly worshed and I/we/us/them should strike a fine pose. I’ll bring the logo paper work too since you’ll be with the people who still wear a suite and tie to a ballgame (fedora optional) and I’ll be with people who are always on the verge of being thrown out.

    Jeff…I just went two days without a beer. (Whoo fucking whooo).Just because I guess. But I have a boat-load of reality getting ready to dock I need to get it off-loaded. Bigger boat than I thought.Then I’ll have a beer. Or it might be bourbon season by then.

    Reply
    • dto says

      June 12, 2011 at 6:34 pm

      “Whoo fucking whoo” was a counted fuck from Deadwood

      Reply
      • doctorright says

        June 12, 2011 at 7:25 pm

        I tried a coupla times to stay away from beer.
        But I am a fan of the Baltimore Orioles.
        I MUST DRINK.

        Reply
        • doctorright says

          June 12, 2011 at 7:26 pm

          pretty much daily
          sad face

          Reply
      • dto says

        June 13, 2011 at 4:44 am

        I was using the fuckit button for a while but I messed up and can’t take it. Swearengen’s line was a great sarcastic, “Wooo fucking whooo”. I like Deadwood too much to let bad spelling mess that up. Hey…not much else to do at 4:40am here. Just sitting around waiting for my ship to come in.

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          June 13, 2011 at 7:39 am

          Every time my ship comes in I find myself at the airport with a borderline hooker and a dead battery.

          jtb

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            June 13, 2011 at 7:41 am

            And by a coincidence of synchronicity it’s now just about 4:40am here.

            jtb

            Reply
    • dto says

      June 12, 2011 at 7:45 pm

      Hey WB…Maybe we can get Calamari to pose with us. He can wear my fish hat…then I’LL hit him in the nuts!

      Reply
      • chill says

        June 12, 2011 at 8:41 pm

        That guy is such a squid.
        .

        Reply
    • WB in OH says

      June 13, 2011 at 12:51 pm

      Yep, still on for the game! Sitting in one of the Triple Play Party Suites down the left field line. Don’t have the tickets yet so I’m still not sure of the exact location.

      Reply
      • dto says

        June 13, 2011 at 3:39 pm

        Me: sec. 431 row D seat 18. There’s a beverage area around home plate second level. We’ve got nine innings to meet. I’m sure it’ll happen. Deter is at 2993. Maybe our timing will be history making.

        http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20110612&content_id=20378494&vkey=news_mlb&c_id=mlb

        Reply
        • WB in OH says

          June 14, 2011 at 7:55 am

          How about before the first pitch? 6:30 or so. It could take awhile to navigate from Bob’s suite to the beverage center you describe, then again, his personal elevator will probably bring me to within 50′.

          Reply
          • dto says

            June 14, 2011 at 9:32 am

            Done!

            Reply
  33. Jason says

    June 12, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    It’s pretty much just like the old song says:

    “you shaved up your bush,
    Let me put it in your tush.”
    (chorus)
    “Oh darlin I knew the minute you
    Let me empty my balls onto yer face,
    That I’d love you forever.”
    (chorus)
    (chorus)

    Reply
    • dto says

      June 12, 2011 at 8:25 pm

      That’s an old Debbie Boone tune isn’t it?…I could be wrong.

      Reply
    • doctorright says

      June 12, 2011 at 9:46 pm

      That’s a Liberace song.
      Which is weird.

      Reply
      • Jason says

        June 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

        That’s right. But the line about emptying balls on someone’s face was stolen from the late, great poet Edward Peabody Mott. A brilliant man.

        Reply
        • doctorright says

          June 12, 2011 at 10:24 pm

          I did not know that.
          He was indeed brilliant. But troubled.
          He barely recovered from the Applesauce Incident of 1893.
          I still can’t trust that brand… fuckin sauce…

          Reply
          • dto says

            June 12, 2011 at 10:33 pm

            Yeah…no way to tell what is actually in it. I’d hate to think of some secrete recipe ingredient. The guy was fucked up. Brilliant but fucked up. And speaking of…’fruit cocktail’…

            Reply
            • Jason says

              June 13, 2011 at 10:32 am

              As I’m sure you’re aware, poor old Edward Peabody Mott took his own life when he found out that his wife and son were practicing incest.

              He put a flare gun in his mouth in his kitchen and pulled the trigger. His wife and son heard the noise, put on their clothes, and ran to see what was the matter. The flare hadn’t killed him. So they sent off for a doctor. Before the doctor arrived Mr. Mott stabbed himself 33 times with an ice pick. Still didn’t kill him. The doctor came in and ran to get assistance. Mr. Mott quickly consumed 2 pounds of table salt, and finally died. Nobody is sure what killed him.

              But his famous poem, “Let Them Fuck Cake”, from which the line quoted above was stolen, lives on in the heart of mankind.

              Reply
              • doctorright says

                June 13, 2011 at 12:07 pm

                Conspiracy theories abound, however. The death certificate was found to be lacking, as the attending doctor MISSPELLED HIS OWN NAME, and lost his life just 3 months later in a tragic threshing mishap.

                Mott, “The Mad Monk of Funk,” was supposedly buried on a sunny hillside, only to be exhumed thrice at the whim of his wife, who over time had simply become fucked silly by her son, who hanged himself twice (once successfully) in the years following his father’s “death.” Mott’s “body” was misplaced.

                In the 1950’s a man known only as “Wishy Will” came forward and claimed to be Mott. Sadly, he was attacked and eaten by a shark in a creek in New Jersey only days later.

                Some sad shit goin’ down.

                Reply
              • dto says

                June 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

                Here lies Edward P. Mott
                With a flare gun in his mouth he shot
                His wife and son screwing became his undoing
                His sauce was cold she liked hot.

                Reply
                • doctorright says

                  June 13, 2011 at 12:53 pm

                  Haunting.

                • Jason says

                  June 13, 2011 at 1:27 pm

                  I think that Sherwood Hambone St. John’s best seller of 1957, “What Got Mott?” answers many of those questions nicely. It seems that the son’s perverted exploits led him from incest to homsexual necrophilia incest, thus explaining the exhuming of the great Ed P. Mott’s body. The son was fucking the corpse. As if this wasn’t enough, he also enjoyed Autoerotic asphyxiation, which eventually led to his demise (much like David Carradine). His body and that of his father was buried in the same casket in La Recoleta Cemetery in Buenos Aires, Argentina. This was done to save the mad mother money and to hide the disgrace that she’d lorded over for most of a century.

                  “Wishy Will” turned out to be a crackpot habitual masturbator who was trying to cash in on the fame after learning that he had throat cancer.

                  It’s sad how we, as a people, continue to search for answers when something terrible happens. Then all of these theories pop up (Billy the Kid, Elvis, Jacko, the moon landing) to try to make sense of it all.

                • Jason says

                  June 13, 2011 at 1:32 pm

                  They’re buried under the name “Eduardo Bradley”.

                  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eduardo_Bradley

                • Greg says

                  June 13, 2011 at 2:05 pm

                  “Bradley was already an experienced balloonist with over one hundred ascensions and proven records of altitude: (6.900m); endurance on flight (28h10min) and distance covered in-flight (900 km, to Rio Grande do Sul from Buenos Aires).”

                  Balloonist ??
                  Ascensions ??

                  I think that says all I need to know about Mr. Bradley.

                • doctorright says

                  June 13, 2011 at 2:16 pm

                  Heh. Jorge Newbery was his good friend.

                  Jason, I’ll not argue most of the points you’ve made here. I appreciate the discussion, but I feel I may have brought a knife to the proverbial gunfight, as it were, when one considers the depth of your historical knowledge.
                  I will say, however, that you seem to have glossed over the small fact that Sherwood Hambone St. John was himself, in the words of his longtime editor Sir Elderberry Minz-Hucknall, “a long-suffering member of the stalking class” and a “random, iconoclastic master of over-indulgent clusterfuckery.” St. John’s book was overly dramatic and failed to cover Mott’s “blue period,” though who amongst us fails to appreciate his lurid discourse as to the actual necrophila? His line which ends, “and so the young man removed his shunted meat block and leered at his mother for approval.” BRILLIANT!

                  Poor Wishy Will did indeed suffer from the cancer. The bull shark cared not a whit.

                  I love me some poetry, anyway.

                • Jason says

                  June 13, 2011 at 2:26 pm

                  I have to agree with your points on Mr. St. John. I’m not sure that it matters at this point, because the late, great, Edward P. Mott, would have died by natural causes by now, even if he managed to fake his own death early on.

                  As to Wishy Will, I can only quote another late, great, poet, Ezra Pound from :Sestina: Altaforte”:

                  “But is fit only to rot in womanish peace
                  Far from where worth’s won and the swords clash
                  For the death of such sluts I go rejoicing”

                • doctorright says

                  June 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

                  Hahahaha awesome. That is fargin’ poetry, good sir.

                  Yeah- he’d be about, what, 152 years old now? Once again, common sense prevails.
                  For now.

                • doctorright says

                  June 13, 2011 at 2:50 pm

                  Hey, waitaminnit- that thar actually IS fargin poetry!

                • Jason says

                  June 13, 2011 at 3:00 pm

                  Yes. Jeff can’t entertain us today, so I invite anyone who’s bored to read up on “Ezra Pound”, he was a sick fuck. He went around fucking dudes in the woods, (and although he was married) had a mistress who dressed like a man – possibly a eunoch?- , and refused to speak with anyone who had a Jewish sounding name. His poem “Sestina: Altaforte” talks about his love for war. Then he was against war. Then he was a communist and did time because of it. He was a very twisted individual.

                  At the end of his life he talked on an on about how stupid he was. I’m surprised he didn’t off himself.

                • dto says

                  June 13, 2011 at 3:27 pm

                  Until today I have not belived in reincarnation.

                • doctorright says

                  June 13, 2011 at 3:34 pm

                  Thanks. In all honesty, I didn’t know much about Mr. lb. before today. In hopes it doesn’t make me seem any more ignorant, he was a ‘flicted dude and fuck him.

                  Now, through the magic of Wikipedia, I know 75% of the truth about the gent, and thus armed with semi-knowledge, I will now be able to teach a college course about the man and his work.

                  That’s one of the great things about this site. I’m always learning things I may have possibly sort of should have known in the first place.
                  Thanks again, Jason.

                • Jason says

                  June 13, 2011 at 3:47 pm

                  Don’t beat yourself up about not knowing a lot about Mr. lb. I know almost nothing about anything. But I have a blackbelt in Bullshitsu, so I can defend myself against the great unwashed. And really, that’s all that matters, not being embarrassed because you’re caught off guard. Besides not being caught fucking your Dad’s dead body, and not being caught putting anything in your ass, I’d say that not getting embarrassed should be one of life’s great goals.

                  If something comes up that might embarrass me, I just brush off whatever I did as a drug induced psychosis or alcohol blackout. Works.

                • doctorright says

                  June 13, 2011 at 4:12 pm

                  I may have done the reply thingy wrong, here. Your modern world confuses me…
                  Bullshitsu is awesome- I considered it before studying Jeet Kune Doohhh!! and ConFunkShun.
                  The great unwashed stay away from me, though, because I’m 7’3” and wear coke bottle glasses while driving a scooter. And carrying an oaken walking stick.

                  The only thing that goes into this fella’s ass is the occasional bhut jolokia pepper.

                  And usually I’m embarrassed when I’m overly sober.
                  I appreciate the unnerstannin, though, bro.
                  Now if you’s will excuse me, I gotta see a man about a horse. Or whores. Whatever.

  34. Kevindust says

    June 12, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    Some folks sit and wipe, others stand and wipe…but how do you tie your shoes?

    http://www.ted.com/talks/terry_moore_how_to_tie_your_shoes.html

    Reply
  35. chill says

    June 12, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    I stand up to tie my shoes. Standing up to wipe is, however, an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.
    .

    Reply
  36. the fixx says

    June 13, 2011 at 2:42 am

    Deeper…
    and deeper.

    Reply
    • dto says

      June 13, 2011 at 4:50 am

      Yep…if you’re talking about what I think you are.

      Reply
  37. Chuck in Belpre says

    June 13, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Man…what did they do to Mockable? Big ol’ warning sign pops up.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      June 13, 2011 at 10:53 am

      I think somebody mocked it. I didn’t think anyone could mock a mocker.

      jtb

      Reply
  38. Jeff says

    June 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    All five websites were thoroughly fucked again today. They were cleaned up yesterday, but the problem returned. Mockable is now blocked by Google, and the others are on thin ice. Right now they’re clean of the redirect code, but it came back last time… I’m going to have to ask the Google overlords to reconsider their blocking of Mockable, but right now I need to go to work. I wasn’t able to do an update, because I’m losing my goddamn mind over here.

    Reply
    • jim britton says

      June 13, 2011 at 4:38 pm

      This too shall pass…

      Reply
  39. t-storm says

    June 13, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Jeff we love you and understand.

    Reply
  40. bikerchick says

    June 13, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Will someone please hold Jeff?!?

    Reply
  41. t-storm says

    June 13, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Wish I could join you for the game. Ill be mired in Oklahoma city. I’d love tosee the yankees though

    Reply
  42. dto says

    June 13, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    WB…t-storm…Jeter got a hit so far. He’s at 2994.
    Follow along here if you want. http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2011_06_13_clemlb_nyamlb_1&mode=gameday

    Reply
    • junkfood says

      June 13, 2011 at 11:55 pm

      Deadspin on Jeter’s milestones: http://deadspin.com/5810535/excitement-anticipation-as-jeter-approaches-2354+games+played-milestone

      Reply
      • dto says

        June 14, 2011 at 3:21 am

        Pretty cool…thanks!

        Reply
    • the fixx says

      June 14, 2011 at 3:35 am

      are we are we are we
      ourselves?

      beisbol as beeen beddy beddy goo to mee
      beer

      Reply
  43. mr. hathaway & ms. flack says

    June 14, 2011 at 3:24 am

    Where is the love?

    Reply
  44. Chuck in Belpre says

    June 14, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Who you jivin’ with that cosmic debris?

    Reply

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