I’m looking at that graphic and realize I’ve never used LinkedIn. I might have an account, but I’m not sure. And I’ve never seen SnapChat. I’m not even sure what it is. I use YouTube, of course, but have never posted anything there. A few days ago I checked to see if ‘thewvsr’ was available as a username and it said it was taken. “Assholes!” I shouted. Who would take that name?? Just some dick, probably. Yeah… turns out it was me. So, I was correct, I guess.
In any case, the social media platform I like the best is Instagram. I genuinely enjoy it. It feels more civilized than Facebook and Twitter, and I think I follow a more interesting mix of accounts there. I’ve never been able to fully crack the Twitter code. I check it from time to time, mostly for baseball stuff, but don’t do much posting. It brings me little joy. I do like the Surf Report Facebook page, where I mostly just post ridiculous pictures I’ve found during my internet travels. Very similar to the old bunker cam photos.
But the main Facebook? Man, that thing makes me insane. There’s some interesting stuff there, I’m not saying there’s not. However, there’s also an avalanche of infuriating shit. Including, but not limited to: smug and knowing political statements made by the most unreliable narrators in the world… humble-bragging… pictures of feet… lunch photos… goiter updates (or whatever)… vague posting (“I’m so over this!”)… people wishing people a happy anniversary who are probably sitting four feet from them as they type…
You know what I’m saying, right? It’s a cesspool, my friends. It makes me grind my molars. But today I thought I’d start a list of phrases that people use on Facebook all the time that make me squint in annoyance. Then you guys can complete it for me if you’re so inclined. How’s that sound? Good, let’s do it.
- This! So. Much. This.
- I’m just going to leave this right here.
- I can’t even.
- I see what you did there.
- Yassss!
- Squeeee!
- Meh.
- Won the internet.
- Awesomesauce.
- And go.
- Fixed it for you.
There are slight variations of those, of course. But you get the gist, I hope. Please help me create the definitive list, won’t you? Use the comments section to bitch about comments!
Also, just so you know, I’ve streamlined my social media parallel universe. Check it out:
Pretty cool, huh? I’m not sure why it took me 10 or 12 years to do that. Perhaps I’m dumm? Anything’s possible, I suppose. Apparently, I have that YouTube username, as well. Maybe I’ll start posting my podcast there? How hard is that to do? ‘Cause if it’s hard… it’s not worth doing. Right? I think I saw that on a Nike t-shirt.
Speaking of the podcast, there’s a new episode available here or wherever you procure your audio entertainment. This is the summary:
In this one, I give you an update on the iconic Surf Report Bunker, tell you about another ridiculous visit to a beer-fueled restaurant in Scranton, the quickie visit with Toney’s sister, some Half-Shirt construction going on over there, and the ongoing quandary about tipping at the counter. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening!
Check it out, if you’re so inclined. The show has a certain vibe, I think.
And I hope you guys have a fantastic rest o’ the week!
I’ll be back soon. My schedule is all shot to shit, as they say at most of the higher-end New England finishing schools. But soon, I’d say. Maybe Friday?
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!
I’ve removed almost all the people I was so-called friends with on Facebook. It is nice just to have a few people I actually talk to. And I like to keep track of all the crime and whatnot that goes on in the neighborhood where I live.
Panera Bread tries that shit now – tipping on the pad after you stick your card in the slot.
Not so much a phrase, but when people share articles by Buzzfeed and Vice with shitty headlines such as, “top 13 fast food secret menu items. Number nine will make your arteries explode.” Then it’s an order of animal fries from In N Out, which isn’t even a secret anymore. Also, lists like that openly plagiarize from other websites without remorse or fear of lawsuits. I immediately judge someone as less-than-intelligent when they share something like that.
I think I last logged into my Facebook account in 2004. Hopefully Facebook thinks I’m dead. I do not understand the attraction. I don’t want to hear about or see pictures of your awesome lunch.
“Here’s a picture of feet and a beer in the Bahamas where I am right now” – I read as “go rob my house, I won’t be home for days”.
Is that paranoia?
A cousin of mine starts off every post with “So”. Plus, she thinks she’s some kind of hilarious entertainer and Facebook is her platform.
I’ve noticed a lot of my friends are posting less and less on FB. My nieces are rarely on.
I’m on LinkedIn because the lady at the unemployment office told me I had to.
Never did Twitter nor Instagram but I want to start on Instagram.
I should note, I am now gainfully employed but still have my LinkdIn account. I rarely look at it, though. A lot of the backstabbers at the place that shat me out like yesterday’s tuna casserole are all on it wanting to link up. F that!
Jesus, madz, you do (or did) improv with real people in front of real audiences. You have more woman-balls than any of those dick-lickers; just walk away from digital social media and enjoy life as the smart, sweet person you are. Don’t bother to tell them to go to hell. They will soon enough, all on their own.
John
I wrote KK once instead of OK in a message to my son, and he immediately told me to never use that again!
I tried Instagram once, but no coke dealers came and delivered on the two grams I ordered. I won’t try it again after that bad experience
“All the things” or “all of the things”. FTS.
I thought Instagram was mainly for those buxom rap singers to post photos of themselves in latex or whatever.
That’s what it was designed for but people abuse it with vacation pics. I’m particularly fond of the whatever.
jtb
I can’t stand it when people say “The bear in this gif is my new spirit animal” or “Keanu Reeves is my new spirit animal” or “Lou Dobbs is my new spirit animal”.
I was wondering where to categorize those creatures in the binomial naming system. I sorta thought a couple of them were Homo, but spirit animal makes more sense.
jtb
I’m with you on Instagram. It is my favorite. I like YouTube too. Facebook has become a cesspool. Between every political know it all, the lunch and dinner photos, and people who go to the beach and then continually post ridiculous beach and salt life memes, my timeline is a virtual shit show. I don’t care how long a break you take from it, when you come back it will be the SOS. Stepping off my soapbox.
Like I needed another reason to avoid Facebook. Of course we all know about the privacy issues, but I’ve never used it and was not aware it was such a shithole besides.
any version of “… got this”; “you got this” “I’ve got this” “we’ve got this”.
I’d like to punch the asswipe that started that phrase.
This will be our “forever home”. Fuck-off with that.
And if you adopt – oh, excuse me, RESCUE – it’s a furever home. These people should be offered mercury shooters.
Fur Baby! Belly up to the bar boys!!
Not a social media thing, but I am constantly (and needlessly) infuriated when people respond “Perfect!” when their question is answered. Seems to always be in some sort of business or transactional situation where one party just wants to show agreement with the other, somehow feeling this will further enable the success of the transaction. How in the hell did this come to be? Hope we are in it’s waning days.
“…and how would you like that burger cooked?” “I’d like it medium rare, please.” “Perfect!!”
— How is that perfect? WTF?
“I’ll have the progress report on the Fecal Deal done by noon.” “Perfect!!”
— Wouldn’t 10am be better? WTF?
No doubt a small thing. Just feels needy to me. The need to find agreement with emotion rather than fact.
Speaking out in defense of I can’t even. If removed from the lexicon, how could I respond to the antics of what’s-his-name? Sometimes there simply are no words.
Well, I guess there’s always covfefe.
I can’t even.
John
. . . and by the way, if you continue to covfefe after four hours you should consult your physician who will give you a physical and say you’re the healthiest motherfucker this side of Brooklyn.
jtb
After four hours, I’d just look at a picture what what’s-her-name and would return to normal. Thank God we dodged a bullet there.
If It’s Not Scottish, It’s Crap!!!