I came up with an idea for a new business venture while I was in the shower this morning. For some reason I do my best thinking while performing bathroom duties. Whether I’m standing, sitting, or peeing in a dramatic Captain America stance.
Anyway, I’m pretty excited about this, and know it will be a huge success. Maybe some of you will want to get in on the ground floor?
I’m thinking we can go to a touristy area, perhaps Florida or near one of the popular east coast beaches, and purchase a large amount of acreage. Then we can put a tall fence around it, have a monorail installed, and let loose thousands and thousands of big poodles.
It will be called Standard Poodle Safari, and each of the “exhibit animals” will be meticulously sculpted. They’ll roam free, hopefully in packs and whatnot, and stand majestically on tall rocks, the wind gently rustling the fur of their exaggerated ankle balls.
Families from all around the world will flock there to “see the poodles.” They’ll pack our monorail (after paying us $25 each for the privilege, of course) and glide silently through the countryside, amongst a mind-boggling number of big-ass poodles.
The more I think about it, the better I like it! But since I just came up with the idea a few minutes ago, there’s much additional planning required. I’d like for the poodle safari to be the main attraction, but there should be other things for families to see and do there, as well.
Like maybe a poodle drop at dusk? Everybody will come together, an hour before closing time, near an open field. Excitement will be in the air, anticipation building by the minute, and finally: several vintage prop planes will become visible across the horizon.
And as the roaring B-52s (or whatever) near our guests, the darkening sky will fill with large poodles beneath parachutes. A hundred or more! At first they’ll just float silently in silhouette, but eventually colored floodlights will be flipped-on, and it’ll turn into a breathtaking spectacle, not unlike a fireworks display.
And I’m thinking we could also have a water park where poodles are allowed to swim alongside the guests… But these will be regular poodles, not the big Standards. We’ll need to protect the mystique of the Standards, and always keep them at arms-length.
Obviously, I’m going to continue brainstorming this idea, and would like to ask for your help as well. If you have any propositions on how we might make Standard Poodle Safari the greatest family fun park in the world, please tell us about it in the comments.
And if you’d like to become a partner in this venture, just PayPal me some money (let’s keep it simple, and limit it to million dollar installments), and my people will get in touch with your people.
And before I turn it over to you guys, I have a few quickie announcements:
I talked to the T-Shirt Lady on Saturday, and she says the limited edition shirts will be ready on Tuesday. There was a delay of some sort, having to do with one of the shirt sizes going on backorder… Who the hell knows? But I’ll probably pick them up on Thursday (my next day off), and start preparing ’em for shipment.
It’s too late to order the new shirt, but please remember… plenty of the BEAUTIFUL blue/gray Evil Twin shirts are still available. Order them here, and I’ll mail them out in the upcoming shirt frenzy.
Also, I’m tragically behind on email. I owe a few of you replies on things, and I apologize. I’ll get caught-up soon, I promise. Please don’t hate me. I’m in a very fragile state…
And finally, the Beerless July experiment came to an abrupt end on Friday. It wasn’t exactly a struggle, I was doing well, but I REALLY wanted a few Dogfish Head 60 Minute Ales this weekend. I was all wound-up, and since I didn’t sign any contracts or anything…. Beerless July is no more.
Nancy and the translucents will be here soon, anyway. There’s no way a beerless state could’ve been maintained. So, why fight the inevitable? Ya know?
That’s right, no Nossy for this visit. He’s apparently pulled another sick relative from his ass, that nobody knew about previously, and will be “jetting” off to Vancouver or somesuch. Whatever. I don’t care anymore. Someone could come in here and shoe me in the nuts, and it would be alright with me. Caring about stuff is for suckers, I’ve learned.
Help me out with this poodle park, won’t you? And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!!
FIRST and I didn’t even SCAN through Jeff’s post but I’m sure it’s a good one
How about allowing visitors to hunt the dogs? Poodles with big-ass targets painted on their poofy balls of fur!
Would the poodles have to have parachutes?? It could be like that “WKRP” episode.. “I swear I thought turkeys could fly, Mr. Carlson.”
Oh yeah, and First Biotches..
alright then,,,, sloppy seconds
(I’ve been waiting SO long to use that)
So are you saying you want me to come over and kick you in the nards? Or you’re just pretty non-committal about it happening or not?
Sounds like the old tatic used in the high school lunch room. If there was someone you desperately wanted to bang you’d just pretend you were only mildly interested in her, but you’d keep saying it over and over and over until your friends would yell across the room, “Hey Missy, Jeff wants to nail you!”
I never did like poodles. Not sure I’d go to the trouble of shooting at them, though.
You would need some sort of water attraction. “The Poodle Pool” maybe. You could charge a mint to “Paddle with the Poodles”.
You could have a “Poodle Pruning” event with some of the wild captive dogs. Visitors could sign waivers against the health and life and attempt to carve on the wild dogs.
There could also be a poodle cook-off that would follow the hunting event mentioned by Bender.
I just noticed that I am number “9”, I don’t know what that means, but it’s awesome.
hmmm, I did think of an attractuion. The flaming poodle dive. High atop the diving platform a poodle is suddenly drenched with gasoline and set on fire. It plunges throught he air, fanning the flames as it falls majestically into a kiddie pool below.
maybe with alligators, too. huh-huh. That would be cool. heh.
While visiting the Poodle Safari, one could stop by the International House of Milk Bones® or browse the fine poodle themed merchandise in the Gift Shop.
I’m thinking poodle T-shirts & hoodies, fine hand crafted dog collars. Food and Water dishes, those kind of things.
What about an interactive Dinner Buffet and Theater? You could feed the dogs scraps at the table and feel guilt free in doing so.
Ok, as far as the Poodle Park, I believe if you build it, they will come. Seriously, I know I would come. Well, maybe not come, but I’d be pretty excited. Now about Beerless July. I was totally on board with this and I made it to the 3rd. Don’t feel too bad about it, you made it halfway. Next time pick a shorter or more boring month. For example, Eff February.
But wait, there’s more. You know, I think Poodles have an undeserved bad rap. The more I think about it, it’s not so much the dogs themselves. It’s the type of people who own them, over-groom them, and enter them into televised contests. Damn, I think it was called Extreme Poodling or something.
Damn delay.. one of these days, I’m going to say “First Biotches” and I’m actually going to be first..
You could train a monkey to ride one of the poodles and wear cowboy garb. He could keep the other poodles in line. Maybe the poodle he rides could be black.
You could release a mongrel dog into the herd. Maybe a German Shepherd / Chihuahua mix. Give the kids on the monorail paintball guns. Everyone has a different color paint. Whoever hits the mutt the most times wins a chili dog.
For the adults have a little theator that shows a 30 minute film of poodles fucking, played on a constant loop.
For the kids you could have a film of poodles getting into all kinds of accidents (falling off a roof, getting pelted by a shotgun, falling off of skateboards, etc).
I almost punched a giant poodle in the face once.
I was minding my own business, jogging through town. Then I felt something sprint up on me. Iwas the largest poodle I’d ever seen. It must have been bred with a great dane or something. It was running up on me, and it’s eyes were lever with mine. I swear that fish was 64 pounds and could swallow a man.
The beast was snarling and drooling .
Anyway I freaked out and tried to run, but I was already running and couldn’t go any faster. I spun around and swung my fist at it. It bobbed and weaved and dodged my devastating blow. Then We both stopped in place and had a stand off.
It was trying to stare me down and started barking and snapping at me. I swung at it again, but it was to far and i missed. I then took a few steps back and it sort of followed me. So I jumped at it and it backed down.
What a horrible experience witha strange dog. I think that was the last fist fight I’ve ever been in.
Anyway, you could have Poodle/Man cage matches.
You can make it interactive and charge the kiddies an extra 5 bucks to run out in the poodle pasture and scoop as much poodle poop as they can in 5 minutes. Imagine proud parents photographing Penny and Petey running through crap infested pens and paying for the privilege!
You must put out advertising. You could have a commercial with poodle faces filmed close-up with a wide angle lens while “Yakkity Sax” plays.
Another event people can witness is all the PETA protesters who will stand naked in the front protesting any treatment of poodles, be it good or bad.
Of course, you could add extras on the days when Pamela Anderson bares all to support her cause. That might earn a couple extra tickets…..
Poodle Bowling…you know tie the ends of their legs together and create sort of a handle. Standard bowling rules apply.
Who there were so many surf reporters named Dave? I’m officially changing my name from Another Dave to Dave’s Not Here, Man.
Sheesh. Amazingly I’m the only Dave in my department here at work, but all through school there were at least a couple Daves in every class. At my last job there were four of us, all in the same department, all in the same cubicle farm. It got annoying after a while.
You could shave the poodles to look like other animals and have them in differnet paddocks.
You could sell poodle treats and people could feed the wild poodles in their natural habitat.
You could have an enclosure in the park populated with “stuck in the 80s rockers” who still sport a Poodle perm. They could be hunted. I propose calling the attraction Wanted Dead Or Alive.
For supply reasons you might need to build your park in New Jersey. Just south of Margate so multi-day park visitors can stay in AC?
?differnet? I guess that the Internet for DIFFERENT people?
Can poodles be trained to hunt? You could shave the fur of a bunch of orange cats so they look like lions, then have the poodles hunt them. You’ll get the interesting turn around of the hunter being hunted, plus the humiliation of shaved cats.
Is anyone else wondering if maybe Nossy is having an affair?
*shudder*
Poodles are smart as hell so you could train them to do almost anything for entertainment purposes.
Instead of The Rockettes we could have The Poodlettes in which they would rock out doing the Can-Can. All decked out in Vegas-style costumes. A couple shows a day; three shows on the weekend. For an extra charge, of course.
Nossy may or may not be having and affair. What he is doing is manufacturing times that he can be justifiably away from nancy and will eventually work his way into a justifiable permenent separation.
Hurd all the females in heat into a big, sunken corral, and bring in one male. Spectators would stand around a railing at the top and make bets on how many females he can score with in an hour. Repeats don’t count. You could number all the females, then bet on the numerical order they got nailed. The gambling possibilities are endless! This is also a good way to insure an endless supply of poodles, and it would all but eliminate the need for sex ed classes in our schools, thus saving money.
And for the ladies, a store that sells nothing but ’50’s-style poodle skirts.
Interactive game – Pin the Pork Chop on the Poodle.
Poodle Poop Race. Be the first to race across the paddock and miss all the steaming piles! Win a prize.
The Poodle Bistro – foo foo drinks and snacks available.
Groom-A-Thon – How many Standard Poodles can be groomed in an hour? Blindfolded?
Just think, puppy petting farms, of course Jeff, who do think is gonna go around the park picking up poodle poop? And what about rabies shots, parvo, ring worm, heartworm, fleas, ticks, mange and the whole host of other doggie ailments? …and I don’t think you know that Florida mosquitos are as big as poodles. …and with 9/11 and all, getting a B52 clearance to fly anywhere would require and act of congress. I know, bubble busters. Thats what I do, I bust peoples bubbles. ***SIGH***
To be completely honest, I think a lot of people would pay good money to see the Standard Poodle Safari. We Americans are weird like that.
Limey- that shit was funny. Dead or alive. Heh.
Kristin- I was also thinking he was likely having an affair. I cannot imagine who would want to do that but as my friend Scooter says “there’s a lid for every pot. even a shit pot”
Chuck also hilarious. i would totally poodle bowl.
Yay Jeff drank beer!
Jason – What is this shit about monkeys in cowboy outfits riding on “black” poodles? How about dressing them in white sheets and pointy white hats? Haven’t black poodles been subjecated enough by having to work like slaves in the puppy mills? Stripped of their true herirage of sitting at the thrones of kings. Having to look down or even walk on the other side of the street when a white poodle is approaching. Forced to have to use dirty foul areas while the white poodles get to use clean maintenaced and manicured potty areas. Not allowed to drink from the same bowls as white poodles. Black poodles being castrated or hung for associating or copulating with white poodles. Free the black poodle, free the black poodle, come on people, stand up with me and shout it out, “FREE THE BLACK POODLE”
A message from the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored Poddles)
I like the poodle park idea!
Though if you had a Schnauzer area I would guarantee that I’d be there.
Escape from a rabid poodle.
Endurance test – whomever can go the longest with their leg being humped by a poodle wins the prize (a stuffed poodle). You may NOT want to wear shorts that day.
Jim B – schnauzers rule. We have two minis.
Boy, I should spell check first before I post but I was laugh so hard.
aDVANCEMENT OF COLORED POODLES. YOU GUYS ARE ON A ROLL TODAY!!!
There would be a rainbow poodle walking around with a “John 3:16” sign like at all major sporting events. Don’t know why that image popped into my head.
off topic, but, Jeff, if you bought the Dunbar house, re-established WV residency, you could run for Byrd’s recently vacated Senate seat. “I yield the floor to the honorable Senator Kay.” — how does that sound?
I guess you could then earmark $$ for WV’s Standard Poodle Safari.
How ’bout gay and lesbo poodles? The gay poodles could dress as the Village People…the lesbo’s could have real “butch” hair cuts, slightly overweight, short/stocky, wear baggy docker’s and colored Izod shirts.
This is Al Barkton here, Mr Jason, we are coming. There will be a Million poodle march on your street and we of course will be staging a sit down protest. I hope you have plenty of chew toys and poop bags mister…
It’s a Large Poodle After All: Boat ride along Urine Scented artificial river where animatronic Standard Poodles waggle while a monotonous and annoying song repeats
Flying Dog Bowls: Like the tea cups. For added attraction bowls could be filled with kibble that flings out of the spinning bowls to hit passing tourists or be eaten by wandering poodle herds
Magic Poodle Hair Salon: A luxurious spa-like experience where little girls are encouraged to beg their parents to spend $150.00 to have their hair styled like a poodles. Accessories (e.g. dog collars, ear ribbons) available at an additional cost.
Poodles of the Caribbean: Walk through a musty, cavernous kennel where animatronic poodles wearing eye patches bark incessantly.
I think this could be a real money maker.
As I started reading the POO(dle) Park idea, I thought to myself, I wonder if Jeff put an end to that silly no-beer july thing.. And sure ’nuff. =-) Welcome back old friend.
You could hire a bunch of Indians (feather, not dot) to weave the poodle hair trimmings into blankets, turqouise jewlery, and wooden bears a to sell at the gift shop.
Poodles of the Caribbean! I love that one!
I think it should be different “lands” in the park dedicated to different breeds of dogs, not just poodles. Like, when visiting “France,” there would be these fancy poodles. Maybe “Germany” could have schnauzers.
I don’t think Nostrils is having an affair. I think he’ll sneak back to the house after Nancy and all those loud children are gone, and he’ll whack off to pics of Johnny Depp and eat junk food to his heart’s content.
Shiny Rod,
I think I came up with a compromise that we can both live with. We’ll have the monkey ride a Mexican poodle. HAHAHAHA
AH! Would the monkeys riding the poodles be surrender monkeys?!
Holy crap there is a whole french tie in here?
You could have Poodle shaped cheese, you could train some of the poodles to roll over and play dead when anybody as much as glances in their direction.
You could have WW2 reenactments with the schnauzers invading the poodles and have beagles (British) and mutts (Americans) race in to the rescue.
Jeff broke the beer fast? Does that mean it’s safe for me to come back now?
@Jason
So the Mexican poodles could also replace all the roofs on the poodle houses. Also do any drywalling that needed done.
No…wait. They don’t have any thumbs. This needs more research.