I came up with an idea for a new business venture while I was in the shower this morning. For some reason I do my best thinking while performing bathroom duties. Whether I’m standing, sitting, or peeing in a dramatic Captain America stance.
Anyway, I’m pretty excited about this, and know it will be a huge success. Maybe some of you will want to get in on the ground floor?
I’m thinking we can go to a touristy area, perhaps Florida or near one of the popular east coast beaches, and purchase a large amount of acreage. Then we can put a tall fence around it, have a monorail installed, and let loose thousands and thousands of big poodles.
It will be called Standard Poodle Safari, and each of the “exhibit animals” will be meticulously sculpted. They’ll roam free, hopefully in packs and whatnot, and stand majestically on tall rocks, the wind gently rustling the fur of their exaggerated ankle balls.
Families from all around the world will flock there to “see the poodles.” They’ll pack our monorail (after paying us $25 each for the privilege, of course) and glide silently through the countryside, amongst a mind-boggling number of big-ass poodles.
The more I think about it, the better I like it! But since I just came up with the idea a few minutes ago, there’s much additional planning required. I’d like for the poodle safari to be the main attraction, but there should be other things for families to see and do there, as well.
Like maybe a poodle drop at dusk? Everybody will come together, an hour before closing time, near an open field. Excitement will be in the air, anticipation building by the minute, and finally: several vintage prop planes will become visible across the horizon.
And as the roaring B-52s (or whatever) near our guests, the darkening sky will fill with large poodles beneath parachutes. A hundred or more! At first they’ll just float silently in silhouette, but eventually colored floodlights will be flipped-on, and it’ll turn into a breathtaking spectacle, not unlike a fireworks display.
And I’m thinking we could also have a water park where poodles are allowed to swim alongside the guests… But these will be regular poodles, not the big Standards. We’ll need to protect the mystique of the Standards, and always keep them at arms-length.
Obviously, I’m going to continue brainstorming this idea, and would like to ask for your help as well. If you have any propositions on how we might make Standard Poodle Safari the greatest family fun park in the world, please tell us about it in the comments.
And if you’d like to become a partner in this venture, just PayPal me some money (let’s keep it simple, and limit it to million dollar installments), and my people will get in touch with your people.
And before I turn it over to you guys, I have a few quickie announcements:
I talked to the T-Shirt Lady on Saturday, and she says the limited edition shirts will be ready on Tuesday. There was a delay of some sort, having to do with one of the shirt sizes going on backorder… Who the hell knows? But I’ll probably pick them up on Thursday (my next day off), and start preparing ’em for shipment.
It’s too late to order the new shirt, but please remember… plenty of the BEAUTIFUL blue/gray Evil Twin shirts are still available. Order them here, and I’ll mail them out in the upcoming shirt frenzy.
Also, I’m tragically behind on email. I owe a few of you replies on things, and I apologize. I’ll get caught-up soon, I promise. Please don’t hate me. I’m in a very fragile state…
And finally, the Beerless July experiment came to an abrupt end on Friday. It wasn’t exactly a struggle, I was doing well, but I REALLY wanted a few Dogfish Head 60 Minute Ales this weekend. I was all wound-up, and since I didn’t sign any contracts or anything…. Beerless July is no more.
Nancy and the translucents will be here soon, anyway. There’s no way a beerless state could’ve been maintained. So, why fight the inevitable? Ya know?
That’s right, no Nossy for this visit. He’s apparently pulled another sick relative from his ass, that nobody knew about previously, and will be “jetting” off to Vancouver or somesuch. Whatever. I don’t care anymore. Someone could come in here and shoe me in the nuts, and it would be alright with me. Caring about stuff is for suckers, I’ve learned.
Help me out with this poodle park, won’t you? And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Damn Mexican poodles, coming over here, stealing all our jobs. Or Maybe they’re just doing the work that black and white poodles won’t do.
All the food must be dog oriented; hot dogs, chili dogs, corn dogs, DInty Moore Beef Stew.
Tilly – I am thinking a former student. He’s professor of something, isn’t he? There is always a college coed with no self esteem that falls for the creepy prof…
and..NAACP. I just about peed my pants, S-Rod.
Ya know, Poodles are a good idea, but you could take the idea soooo much further with WEINER dogs.
I’m thinking “Standard Poodle Safari” isn’t exciting enough. It should be “Giant Poodle Safari”. If I saw a sign for that on the highway, I’d pull over in a heartbeat.
poodle park? jeff,you are either undermedicated or overmedicated I suspect the latter.
how about getting a crime scene artist to sketch mossy?
Poodles and Noodles
“Mossy”, damn that bitch must be slow.
I’m sorry, that was rude.
Shiny Rod says
randall – he’s suffering from Nossy withdraw.
Sen. Robert Byrd raised black poodles…or so I’ve heard.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Who the hell is Mossy?
Byrd also liked to dress up in a pink cowboy outfit…or so I’ve heard. Whatta a weird fuck.
Congratulations on the beer, Jeff. Nicely done.
I’d suggest piston-engine bombers both for the sound and for the lower speeds that can be maintained, plus of course the operating costs. Perhaps B-24s or B-17s? But make sure to budget adequately for poodle maintenance; grooming is going to be a lot of labor.
If I were Nossy, I think I would be pulling out all the sick relatives I could – Vancouver, Timbuktu, Hafnarfjordur, whatever. Then I’d stay home and smoke cigarettes and eat funnel cake.
You could serve Poodle-noodle’s with meatballs and sauce.
You could have shearing contests (like sheep shearing) for the kids. and then sell poodle-neck shirts in the gift shop.
A daily Pamplona-style “Run with the Giant Poodles” stampede
Poodle catapults (pood-a-pults?)
Or for that matter, poodle-skeet! PULL!
Poodle Survivor – competing tribes of poodles isolated in a remote area of the park
Along the midway… Doodle-a-Poodle caricatures of standard poodles drawn to resemble actual mammals
I want some of those drugs ya’ll are taking to come up with this stuff….
Ahem…so, how about poodle shearing contests, kind of like topiaries. You know, different shapes and such, like you see in fancy people’s landscaped yards.
Someone’s got to be the sober driver I see. You know what? Fine. I’m not a regular commenter. I’ll be Goldblum. How long before the poodles start an uprising? Or if it’s in Florida, imagine a NJ milf packed into a tight polyester sweatsuit with her adorable overweight kid eating poodle cake or groomed cotton candy. See them in your mind’s eye? Tempo switch. They’re watching mouth agape with tears in their eyes… as a crock makes an Afternoon Delight of a Standard. I’m just saying.
Teressa Glazer says
Jeff, this has nothing to do with Poodlepalooza, but tomorrow is Moe’s 10th anniversary and they’re giving everybody a free cup of queso…just thought I’d let you know…
Yum…breakfast at their restaurant. Start off with the “Harir of the Dog”. eye opener…a Bloody Mary with actual dog hair in it.Two eggs over easy and a rasher of poodle. Or… what the heck…Pooldes Benidict. A giant portion with a standard serving of of minature potatos along with their bottomless tea cup.
SC Scott says
I suggest that, just like baseball, for any parachuting poodle that goes into the stands the customer gets to keep it. Even if it’s parachute didn’t open. ESPECIALLY if it’s parachute didn’t open.