Last night was the first time I’ve struggled a bit with my no beer pledge. We were finished with dinner early, the weather was absolute perfection, and I REALLY wanted to walk to the yuppie bar with Toney and enjoy a few over-hopped microbrews on the patio. But I stayed the course, thank you very much.
I don’t even know how long it’s been, but a long time. Many weeks. It’s good. I feel better, and my bank account is happy about it, as well. I’m going to keep going, and see where it takes me. No grand proclamations, or anything… I know better than to make any grand proclamations at this point.
I’m now wanting to drop some weight, as well, and get in better shape. I’m fairly swaddled. I’m 6 ft, 250 lbs. Not super-obese, but undeniably fat. If I could get down to a weight that starts with a 1, I’d be happy.
This morning I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, while stepping into the shower, and for a split second thought it was the robot from Lost in Space. My brain was thrown into confusion, because a robot should not be in our bathroom. Ya know?
I’m also reaching a point where my mother should probably take me to the mall and let me pick out my first bra. It’s a rite of passage, I hear. And I’m almost there.
So, I need to drop fifty pounds. Have any of you lost that much weight, or more? How did you do it? Cocaine? Meth? How? If you have any sane suggestions for me, I’m all ears. Well, ears and quite a substantial gut.
However… I’m not eating slimy salads for the rest of my life. I’ve been down that road, and it’s not happening again. It’s what I mean by “sane suggestions.” If I have to walk around starving, yet DREADING, mealtime, it’s just not going to work. I’ll say ‘funk dat’ before Day 3 has ended.
I know a guy who lost massive weight in six or eight weeks, on something called the Insanity Workout. Apparently there’s an infomercial for this deal? I wouldn’t know, since I never watch TV. But he’s doing it, and he’s skinnier every time I see him.
A few days ago I asked him about it, and he told me it’s super-intense, and he’s actually missed two days of work because he was so fatigued he was unable to get out of bed in the morning. What the hell?? Perhaps he’s overdoing it a bit? He doesn’t strike me as the Nostrils type, but what do I know about it?
I won’t be doing the Insanity Workout, and I won’t be eating slime salads. I’d rather stay… portly, than endure that kind of nonsense. There’s got to be a better way, right? Help me out, Surf Reporters. Tell me how to get rid of fitty pounds (the equivalent of a 2nd grader), without going the Jack Bauer torture route.
Also, if you have any personal weight loss or no-beer stories to tell — good or bad — please share.
And I need to go to work now, on my day off. Man, that really broils my brisket… It’s exactly the last thing I want to do today. Oh well.
I know I owe you guys a Nancy update, and will try to get ‘er done on Saturday/Sunday. Watch your email inbox for details on how to access this super-secret document. You know, if you’re a Surf Report VIP… If you’re not, well, it’s your fault, not mine.
Also, since I’m divulging too much information today, I thought I’d share a current photo of myself — which will possibly accompany an upcoming newspaper interview. Here it is, in all its gray-haired glory — a rare peak inside the Surf Report compound.
I’ll see you guys next time.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!
tracy in ohio says
I lost over 70 lbs in 6-7 months by getting up off my ass and walking every day. I would at least walk a mile as fast as I could. I live a half a mile from the grocery store so if I only needed a few things I would walk there instead of driving. After I lost 40 or 50 lbs I bought myself a new bike and we would take family bike rides around town.
I ate a LOT of subway. I would get a six inch, no cheese, tons of veggies and light sweet onion sauce or mustard. I switched to fat free sour cream and skim milk. Munched on raw veggies dipped in ranch still (healthier than the half of bag of chips I use to eat.) I just paid attention to the calories I was taking in. I did use a website called sparkpeople.com for a while until I got the hang of what combinations of foods I could eat without having a shit ton of calories. Protein is important and I think the type of protein is important too. If you like fish try having grilled fish a couple times a week. I use to do it up on my george foreman grill and believe me you can eat a whole lot more fish than you can beef so you will feel full still.
I started eating better first and then I gradually started moving more. 2-15 minute walks a week eventually became at least 7-20 minute walks a week plus bike rides. Once I started losing weight it just seemed to fall off.
Unfortunately after losing all that weight I got pregnant and gained it all back. But I don’t think you will have that to worry about!
I did the HCG Diet earlier this year and lost 18 lbs. But after eating only 500 calories a day for 41 days, and those 500 calories consisting of only about 7 different foods over and over, I wanted a damn hamburger. And everything else I’d missed out on for 41 days. I’ve gained back 12 lbs.
My bosses wife, “The Mrs”, is on that now. Injecting herself every day with HCG hormone. Crazy. She’s been on it for about 4 weeks. She says she lost 30lbs. I don’t see it. Still looks the same to me. You can’t be that evil and have good luck all the time. Those rolls hanging on tight.
Ii just had an idea. Add pickles to everything you eat.
Seriously, rooting for you.
I lost 40 lbs 5 years ago and kept it off. Hired a nutritionist. I have never eaten so much in my life. Every two hours. Cut out the sugar. Sugar is evil. Two pieces of fruit everyday and one has to be an apple. No carbs past 3 in the afternoon (that means a sammich for lunch is okay) and, like many have said NOTHING white. Brown rice, brown bread, spelt pasta, etc.
I lost 2 lbs a week and have kept it off for almost 5 years. Oh, and walk the dog everyday. I used to walk the Beast 3 miles a day in SF, but it’s too friggin’ hot here, so we only make it out for an hour at best, but it’s still working!
Good luck, Jeff!
Happy Saturday, Surfers!
jabbtastic…Jeff can’t do the sandwich thing especially now with his picture out there. He’s been banned from every Subway everywhere. Even the ones in the gas staions in Missouri and Oklahoma. There used to be a “Have You Seen This Man” with a schetch that looked like Berry Corbin. Now they’ll have the Picture.
Wife dropped 67lbs. since November. While I was gone she started weighing everything she ate, counted calories and keeping a journal of everything she ate. She actually has a book she could write (I’m not making that up) recipies and the like. The kind of book that annoys the hell out of people. She goes on about how many calories are in one strawberry and how many she’s “allowed” to have today. She’s totally absorbed by the whole thing. Me I’m not a fan of any of it. I eat good stuff and excersise with the the work I do through the day and have some beers and manage to keep my boyish figure…ahem…
Jeff wanna lose weight? Everyday…EVERYDAY…..
Eat “A big bowl of corn motherfucker”
Just do Weight Watchers online. I have lost close to 90 pounds in 2 years but my boyfriend did it too and lost 50 pounds in 4 months
other greg says
I’ve done Insanity twice, and wouldn’t recommend it unless you’re a total glutton for punishment. I’m a chiropractor and regularly help people lose weight with dietary modification alone. Ditching the carbs will get you where you want to go–I recommend under 50 grams a day for fast weight loss and under a 100 if you’re in no hurry.
I discovered the Report when I was in chiro school, and came dangerously close to getting kicked out of class for laughing out loud. “Corn chip toe nails” had tears rolling down my face.
Check out my site for some articles that sum up my advice. And good luck!
I am proportional to you Jeff: 5′ 7″ and 210. I plan on cutting my second breakfast in 1/2 (only one egg and 5 SAUSAGES).
Some tips to increase exercise without the extra effort:
1) Park as far away from entrances (work, stores, …)
2) Stand at work instead of sitting. I stand at the common area at work and pound the laptop instead of slouched over a crappy desk squeezing my internal organs
3) Never take the elevator. Hoof it.
4) volunteer some place where work is required.
5) reward your weight lose milestones with ‘carnal’ activities. You may need the wife to agree.
One benefit of ‘Man Boobs’ is that your nose looks smaller,.
WB in OH says
Along these lines, I always sit as far away from the buffet as possible, this way by the 37th trip for chicken wings and pizza, I get tired and just say screw it.
You mean there’s another way to eat chicken wings and pizza besides hunched over the buffet like a fucking criminal? When did this happen?
There’s no use in having man tits if you can’t lick your own nips.
Phil Jett says
I lost 50lbs in 6 months eating a spam and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch and dinner. I drank Diet Dr. Pepper and skim milk with the meals and also as a snack. (Tastes like the end of a root beer float) I also walked a mile at least 4 days a week.
Kept it off for two years and then got married and slowly put it back on. Still there today plus 25.
Michael Smith says
There’s no secret to weight loss. It just comes down to burning more than you take in. Eat less, move more was my plan for losing 70 pounds over the course of a year. I didn’t starve and didn’t do anything crazy. I just ate smaller portions and started exercising 30-45 minutes, 4 or 5 times per week.
Jeez, 80 comments, some of them really helpful, but none of them advising the obvious: Join the Obama Fitness Plan.
Each day, go the local bowling alley, rent a pair of stylish, malodorous shoes, indulge in a couple of lines, and bowl a little.
President Obama is 49, and is slim and trim. He clearly eats cheeseburgers and drinks beer, but toned he stays. He can consume eggs and bacon in the morning, shoot some hoops, grab that lunch burger and a line of bowling, knock off Osama Bin Laden, and still have time and energy to broil a steak for dinner and have sex with the first lady, which any man would be crazy to turn down.
So pick up some of those yellow Obama Fitness slips, head to the nearest lanes, and let ‘er rip. Next you know, you’ll be working by night and knocking off enemies of America by day.
May Earl Anthony be your co-pilot.
I bowled a Pro-Am and bowled with Earl and Don Johnson. Also George Pappas, Tina Semiz, Dave Davis and more and I’ll stop dropping names while everyone gives a collective…”Who?”
The O man indeed rocks the almost 50 Esquire dude. I’ll vote accordingly when I hear Bachman’s re-working of physical fitness and Newts “Fuck it I’m fat” tour takes off.
I bowled in league at Earl’s home lanes: Pacific Lanes in Tacoma, WA. When Earl was working the day shift at West Coast Grocery, he’d show up around midnight and get in three or four hours of work. When he worked swings, he’d be there during the day.
Dave Davis was a fine bowler: our neighbor named her cat after him: the full name, Dave Davis.
I’m sorry I never got to bowl with Andy Veripapa. He didn’t die until 1984, which is actually after I retired from bowling. He lost a few games, but rarely lost a bet. Check out this “Action Bowlers” site…
…and it’s really cool that you got to bowl with Earl and Don. Was it the crew-cut Earl or the hairdo Earl? Both were fine keglers.
Crew cut. I took bowling to the third level without being an asshole about it. It’s an art and a sience at the same time when you’re ‘inside’ the game. And then…it’s hoot and hollar too.
I’ve got pics of me and Earl and Don on then lanes and hanging……and my pro-am cert signed by the both. Oh….and everything you’ve heard or imagined about Ernie Schlagle is true. Trust me on that one. What a hoot.
Yeah, I took bowling most of the way to the first level, although I was in a league for five years or so and bowled in tournaments in three states and one province. My record for one three-line contest was nine highballs, but that doesn’t count the one before the match or the one after. For some reason, I believed consuming a prime number of drinks was important.
This all happened in the 70s, and I blame Nixon for most of my chemical indulgences. Five and a half years of that brute without surcease was just more than I could take.
It required no less than Dr. Hunter S. Thompson to write his obit.
jtb…I got to thinking…it was around ’97, ’98 so Earl had moved from helmet hair to just a nice look. I was digging for some pics of me and Earl & Don and etc. but click on the blue dto and see the cert at least. I had more fun bowling the Senior Pro-Ams but bowled the regular tour ones too. Brian Gobles is a class act and so is Pete and all the guys really. But when the real stuff starts for ’em……….!
Ok…back kiling robots in the bathroom…
Reminds me of the time I was visiting my parents – must have been in the late 1980s, since this opera was currently playing. They were reading the Sunday NY times as they do, and my mom said to my dad, “would you like to go see ‘Nixon in China’?”. Without looking up, Dad says “I’d rather see him in hell”.
Mark in Iowa says
Lost 70 lbs and counting on Atkins. Grilled meat and chefs salads for victory!
Your stomach actually shrinks if you stop streching it by eating large amounts. After a while you will feel full with smaller portions. I quit eating as soon as the hunger subsides. I grew up in a household where we were taught to clean our plates, but now think nothing of leaving half a plate of food if I am no longer hungry. I often think of ordering from the kid’s menu at resteraunts, but instead try to find items that that are smaller portions. Find an excersize you like and make it a part of your routine. That will give your more energy as well.
Chuck in Belpre says
When did Jim Cantore become the Guy Fieri of weather? Every time I try to get the forecast for home there he is.
Right after NBC bought TWC. I guess all you’ve got left is Local On The 8’s.
I just realized that having sex in a motor home is like have sex in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room and your car all at once. That’s gotta be a calorie burner. Jeff…get a motor home!
I lost 30 and have managed to firmly keep off 23.
It’s truly diet and excercise but a key is to only give up one thing at a time combined with starting to watch portion size. You also need to at least ball park your calorie intake if you can’t stand to monitor every item.
And don’t give up what you realistically CAN”T give up lol.
My first “give up” was flavored coffee creamers, had NO IDEA how many calories they added. I lost 3 pounds the first month just for that.
And I work out 5 times a week – about an hour hour and a half in a home gym. THAT has turned out great – I turned 50 during all that and feel SO MUCH better.
The 7 pounds came back because i am a NIGHT NIBBLER, sigh and still need to tackle that. And you do get burned out after a bit, but not on the excercise – that keeps too much going at this age.
And do it slowly – trust me – it is much easier to keep off!.
Also – and forgive me if I missed this – but is the ONLY way to get your book via an e type book????? I want a REAL book. Fill me in.
The book is also available via teletype. Just tell your telegrapher to ack rather than nak.
For a real book, you have to order from amazon – it’s produced by them.
You could just go Victorian and try the Tapeworm Diet.
And the only reason I’m posting that link is because it has video of a tapeworm squirming around inside of a intestine, which in and of itself should be enough to set you off eating for awhile.
On a completely unrelated note, HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY to all the U.S. surf reporters!!!
Ms.Myrtle Beach says
I like fat people, sit behind them on the beach and you don’t get sunburnt.
Mean Dr. Lily says
Lots of decent advice in here. Basically, it’s going to be something that you’re going to have to do for the rest of your life — this isn’t a short-term solution. You’ll need to redefine what meals look and taste like in order to have any sort of long-lasting success.
I’m currently 6’4″ and 265 lbs. Which is fat, but 5 weeks ago I was 279 pounds. I’ve been doing Weight Watchers with my wife — it’s working well for me, but I can see why many people struggle with it. There’s a lot of extra work involved in calculating points and whatnot. It’s easy for me, because my wife helps me out a lot by identifying and preparing healthy meals for us. If Toney can help, that’s awesome too.
A few benefits that I’ve noticed so far:
– The flesh parka is thinning up a bit. A LONG way to go, though.
– Food tastes much better. When you don’t eat rich foods all of the time, everything else tastes sweeter.
– My poop is way, way better. 8″, double taper and I hardly even need to wipe. I had horrid shits before.
– I feel a whole lot better day in and day out. I’m not bloated, I don’t feel like an asshole for eating 13 cookies, I feel like I have more energy.
If nothing else, consider following the new healthy eating “Dinner Plate” rules: 1/4 lean meat, 1/4 healthy grains, 1/2 vegetables. If that’s how you eat lunch and dinner every day, you’ll probably do alright.
One last thought:
Consider teaching the Secrets how to eat better, too. They don’t have to now because they have crazy-high metabolism. But someday they won’t, and they’ll be like you (and me)… they’ll be heavier and won’t know the rules to eating correctly. Teach and enforce that now, so they have something to rely on later in life.
Best of luck.
Your poop is 8 inches across?!
Chuck in Belpre says
If hot dogs are so bad for you then shouldn’t Joey Chestnut be dead by now?
He might actually BE dead, but he sure sings purdy. Wait a minute…
Not to be confused with Joey Chesterfield who died at a young age. He always felt that if Bill Anderson can whisper, he would be accepeted for his weezing. Things went down hill at his Denver gig and he cancled after his second night in Tahoe only to die in a Fallon, Nevada bowling alley after an impromptu rendition of, “I’ve been everywhere man”.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Happy fourth, ya fucks.
Eat Small meals throughout the day
Lean protein, skip the breaded/fried stuff. Cut back on heavy processed breads. Opt for whole wheat when you do eat bread. Go light on carbs in general but eat lots of fruit/nuts(almonds are great) .yogurt too. If it has more than a few ingredients you probably shouldn’t eat it.
Combine this with a bit of strength training and whatever walking you do now and you’ll be on your way, IMO. And it’s sustainable. Don’t starve yourself you’ll just gain it all back. Change what you eat for good.
Happy fourth? Fourth beer since I got home, that is. I spent the day driving home from Mystic, Conn. The last leg of my trip, people were pulled over on the shoulder of I-66 watching the fireworks. One genius appeared to be watching the fireworks *while driving* – moving very slowly, and not in any particular lane.
Jeff, I have no advice for weight loss, but I hope it goes well; these other folks seem to know what they’re talking about.
hot fuzz says
Hey Chill – the wife and I spent last week in Mystic…cool little town and good pizza.
Sweet! We’re actually in Noank, but Mystic is a name people have heard of ever since that movie.
Monica Reedy says
how does one become a VIP? Must. Get. Nancy. Update.
Go to the page below and enter your name and email at the bottom. You’ll get a free ebook and you’ll also be part of the in crowd.
WB in OH says
Go to the About page, scroll down…screw that just click the link.
Good Morning Surf Reporters……
nothing to see here, moving along.
Jeff, I lost *80 lbs* after my twins were born…that was 30 MORE pounds than I gained in my pregnancy leaving me looking better after the kids than I ever did before. I did it with a few (relatively painless) modifications:
1) Switched from drinking full sugar soda and sweet tea to diet soda or water (20 lbs never fell so fast)
2) Stopped ordering fries (or any sides) with my burgers, never super-sized or upgraded. Tried to eat at least one meatless meal per week. (another 20lbs gone)
3) Joined a gym and treadmilled about the place 2-3 times per week – nothing high impact or crazy, just walking a brisk “airport” pace for about an hour each day (2-3 hours per week) (another 20 down the drain)
4) Just said NO to dessert unless it was truly an occasion (National holidays and birfdays only) (the hardest one and the final 20 lbs)
The whole process took about 6 months, but I kept it off for years and years…until I quit smoking. Even then I only gained 15-20 lbs back, so I was still under my original starting weight. Now I’m pregnant again, so I’ll get to do it all over again in a few months…yay!
Eliminate anything white. Sugar. Bread. Potatoes. Substitute whole grain breads that do NOT contain enriched flour, sweet potatoes, brown rice. Avoid foods that have a high glycolic index — pineapple, corn, carrots. And, of course, stay off the beer. The pounds will come off.
We’re in the same boat, Jeff. Well, not literally, or the boat would sink. I need to lose about 45 lbs. too. Low carb, high exercise (like South Beach) has worked for me in the past. I gave myself permission to indulge over this past holiday weekend. I drank beer after beer, ate potato salad, pasta salad, hamburger buns, baked beans with enough brown sugar to give me diabetes, you name it. All the wrong foods for me & now I’m back at work feeling like I’ve put on 15 pounds since last Friday. My 47 yr. old metabolism is for shit…guess I’ll be out walking my dog tonight and many more nights to come.
The 4th Stooge says
The way I lost a shitload of weight was purely chemical. Phentermine/Ritalin was my good friend, and I exercised like a damned fiend. Any sort of exercise, whatever I felt like doing that day. Riding a stationary bike whilst laughing at the Three Stooges? Fine. Worried about losing my job and walking 10 damned miles in 90+ heat? Fine. (Well, okay, that wasn’t fine…but I was pissed, so….)
As for eating, the word “diet” has the same effect on me as “Niagara Falls” had for the Stooges. If you eat 4 Big Macs a day, that’s a diet. If you decide to eat a Snickers bar for breakfast, lunch and dinner, that’s a diet. If you eat rabbit food and slimy salads, THAT’S a diet. And I always thought that the very word means some type of punishment that people can’t wait to be finished with. “Man, as soon as this diet’s over, I’m going to Ryan’s and eating my new weight in ribs!”
Long post longer, first, think about exercise, ’cause man, I should’ve done that first, instead of just cutting back on crap-that was easy to do, but getting my ass moving every day? Hard as HELL!