• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

The West Virginia Surf Report!

Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

  • Home
  • About
  • Best of
  • Books
  • Archives
  • Donate

Help Me Decorate the Surf Report Christmas Tree!

December 14, 2011 By Jeff 69 Comments

OK, I don’t want to jinx myself, but everything seems to be Russian-free around here today.  I apologize, once again, and hope it didn’t cause too many problems for you guys.  This one was even uglier than previous excursions into the world of Give-Jeff-a-Goddamn-Stroke.  The code kept regenerating itself on my end, and caused genuine mayhem for visitors of the site.  It sucked, but I think everything’s under control now.  Sorry it happened.

If any of you need help with WordPress, send me an email.  The guy who cleaned up the mess yesterday has saved my ass many times.  He’s great, and we’ve been working together for years.  He can help during emergencies, and also does installs and professional alterations to your theme.  I don’t know nothin’ about no code, and don’t want to know…  I always just turn it over to him.  I’d love to send him some extra work, so let me know if you’re looking for help in that area.

On Monday, while the virus or worm or whatever-the-hell was taking hold, I sent out a new Dispatch from the Bunker email.  The link in that thing should be safe now, but I can understand why you might be leery.  So, I’m going to break my own rules this one time, and link to the super-secret update here.  If you’re not subscribed to the mailing list, you’re missing a weekly bonus update, like this one.  The sign-up form is in the sidebar, if you’re interested.  If not, that’s cool too.

Shockingly enough, two people complained this morning, saying they were having trouble finding Amazon links on the site.  I don’t know how that’s possible, since they’re all over the place, but here they are again:  Amazon US and Amazon Canada.  Thanks, everyone, for remembering to use them.  We’re on a pace to surpass December 2010, which is our best Amazon month ever.  So, please keep it going.  And thanks!

I have to go to an early meeting at work again today — apparently every Wednesday.  So, I’m afraid this one’s gonna suck too.  I’ll try to make up for all this on Thursday, with a genuine, full-length update.

Today I’d like for you guys to help me trim the Surf Report Christmas tree.

Many years ago, in Greensboro, I attended a hipster party where everyone was supposed to bring an ornament for the undecorated tree that was sitting in the middle of the hipster loft.  People were hanging tampons on it, and photos of Sid Vicious, and crushed Pabst Blue Ribbon cans…  I brought a big ball of dryer lint, with a metal hook embedded in it.  It was a hit, and I was proud of my holiday offering.

So, let’s do the same thing here, kinda-sorta.  Since we’re not all drunk together in a pretentious apartment in the South (unfortunately), we’ll just have to list our contributions in the comments section below.  What would you add to the Surf Report Christmas tree?  Use the comments link below, and together we’ll decorate this bitch!

I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends, with something more substantial.  Thanks for sticking with me.

Have a great day.

Now playing in the bunker
Do your holiday shopping at Amazon: US and Canada

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on Pinterest

Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. dogberryjr says

    December 14, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    I will hang a papercup, stuffed with 2/3 of a slice of pizza.

    Reply
    • Patty says

      December 14, 2011 at 2:37 pm

      I will hang a ham sandwich

      Reply
    • dogberryjr says

      December 14, 2011 at 2:41 pm

      I’d hang a block of cheese, but I hate to think what some of you would do to it.

      Reply
      • CADude says

        December 14, 2011 at 6:18 pm

        Deep dish pizza, or thin crust? Folded? C’mon. We need details!

        Reply
    • G.R.I.T.S says

      December 15, 2011 at 1:54 pm

      Make sure the pizza is folded. 😉

      Reply
  2. Oral Roberts says

    December 14, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    I will hang my turd derby.

    Reply
  3. Griff says

    December 14, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    A fresh pair of tighty-whities

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      December 14, 2011 at 3:14 pm

      Fresh? come on, live a little – skids???

      Reply
  4. Bill in WV says

    December 14, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    A 6 month dried up ball of Jimmy Kuhn spurt (God rest his soul). Delivered with 2 foot long tongs.

    Reply
  5. Rick says

    December 14, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    If I tie a mouse to the tree by its tail, can it have the pizza from the coffee cup?

    Reply
  6. Melissa says

    December 14, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    A stick of deodorant for Nancy, a used pair of Jeff’s tighties for Nostrils, a bottle of bronzer for the transluscents and a fucking clue for the lot of them.

    Reply
  7. Kevindust says

    December 14, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    A 1/32 scale model of an electric/ soy powered hybrid car – with Blizzak tires.

    Reply
  8. icecycle66 says

    December 14, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    That’s how you know yoi hit the internet big time, people trying to steal your stuff for their own benefit.

    Reply
  9. icecycle66 says

    December 14, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Oh, and I would hang a mad scientist mash-up of a pop tart and a hotpocket sealed in a thick layer of laquer.

    Reply
  10. madz1962 says

    December 14, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    A Wendy’s combo #4 (no pickles).

    Maybe I’ll go to the butcher and get a nice fresh pig’s hoof.

    Reply
  11. bikerchick says

    December 14, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    A hot water bottle that occasionally sooth’s Jeff’s vagina.

    Reply
    • bikerchick says

      December 14, 2011 at 3:30 pm

      that would be “soothE”. Where’s my goddamn edit button?

      Reply
  12. Jed says

    December 14, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Whew, that bunker cam is all kinds of wrong. It took me a few minutes to realize that the midget was the dom. Good god.

    Reply
    • bikerchick says

      December 14, 2011 at 3:29 pm

      “All kinds of wrong” doesn’t even come close! Hooooollllyyy SHIT! I especially like the crucifix implanted in her chest wall. That’s some fucked up shit! Betcha that lil’ midg would put a whoopin on ya too.

      Reply
      • Bill in WV says

        December 14, 2011 at 3:47 pm

        I think I could take that half-a-motherfucker.

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          December 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm

          She takes “Yours In Christ” to a whole new (scary) level.

          Reply
    • The Qweezy Mark says

      December 14, 2011 at 4:43 pm

      Chick has great cans! I wouldn’t think twice.

      Reply
      • WB in OH says

        December 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm

        I think she also has a penis, the leash is hiding “her” adams apple.

        http://new.wavlist.com/movies/101/kc-boysgirls.wav

        Reply
      • Kevindust says

        December 15, 2011 at 2:46 pm

        I’m with Qweezy: piercings can be taken out, hair grows back…but silicone memories last a lifetime.

        Reply
    • CADude says

      December 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm

      I think the midget would look good hanging from the Christmas tree.

      Reply
    • Vicki says

      December 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm

      Gotta be Brits.

      Reply
      • Vicki says

        December 14, 2011 at 7:41 pm

        Bill, that’s loud out loud funny there.

        Reply
        • Vicki says

          December 14, 2011 at 7:42 pm

          Oops. Perhaps that last one was a touch strongish.

          Reply
          • Jason says

            December 15, 2011 at 4:03 pm

            Naw, it’s okay Vicki.

            They’re Brits or goddamn Scots, that’s for sure. Brits or Scots with great tits.

            Reply
  13. bikerchick says

    December 14, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Oh…and a Jiffy Pop popper

    Reply
  14. madz1962 says

    December 14, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    A working lawnmower.

    Reply
  15. JCIII says

    December 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….

    I’ll contribute the awesomely long paper clip chain I made. We can use it like garland.

    Reply
  16. Tipsey McChugney says

    December 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Blizzaks and good tidings to all!

    Reply
  17. Tim says

    December 14, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    I will have nightmares tonight after seeing that bunker cam. Ah Christ!

    Reply
  18. Bill in WV says

    December 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    You would HAVE to hang one of Andy’s white turds on there.

    Reply
  19. WB in OH says

    December 14, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    I’ll hang my two unused tickets to the puberty museum.

    Reply
  20. Mean Dr. Lily says

    December 14, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    An old car tire.

    Reply
  21. T. Farty McAppleass says

    December 14, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    I’d string together a bunch of cocktail weiners to hang on it.

    Maybe hang some of those dried tiny alligators and seahorses that you get from the coast on there too.

    Reply
  22. Alex says

    December 14, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Crown the tree with an empty DIET pepsi bottle.

    And a few fast food napkins (or serviettes depending on where yous live) crumpled up and jammed randomnly into the tree.

    Reply
  23. Alex says

    December 14, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Jeff, why don’t you just regularily link to the ‘secret updates’? Its not as if they are protected from view… especially since anybody can sign up for ’em. And they come up in a google search. (and becuase I usually forget/don’t bother to check my email).

    Reply
    • ashton says

      December 15, 2011 at 9:43 am

      Then they wouldn’t be secret.

      Reply
      • Alex says

        December 15, 2011 at 5:16 pm

        Thats the point ain’t it? They are not secret.

        Reply
  24. t-storm says

    December 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    one pair of russian testicles.

    Reply
  25. sunshine_in_va says

    December 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    I’ll make an ornament by stringing together, and attaching to an ornament hook, 5 Johnny Bench golf tees that he gave me when I caddied for him in 1976.

    Reply
  26. hardoxdan says

    December 14, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    I will hang some Marlboro cigarette butts.

    Jeff, find out the hacker’s IP address. My buddy Ben is a 33rd degree hacker. He could take down NORAD if he wanted to.

    I can get him to take down their entire network in 5 minutes just for fun, install viruses, re-direct commands, bomb them with denial of service attacks. Let’s do it.

    Reply
  27. Henderson says

    December 14, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Still trying to get my head around “hipster apartment in the South”…. Wouldn’t that be hipster trailer?

    Reply
    • DeepInTheHeart says

      December 15, 2011 at 11:17 am

      HEY!! We prefer the term “manufactured home”.

      Damn yanks.

      Reply
      • Henderson says

        December 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm

        Wheelie House!

        Reply
  28. CADude says

    December 14, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    I’ll bring a talking ornament. Push the button and it says, “Go fuck yourself.”

    Reply
  29. Rat Bastard says

    December 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    We had a tree trimming party like that last year. If I remember correctly, the top 3 ornaments were: 1) a prescription painkiller bottle (empty, unfortunately), 2) nipple pastie/tassles, and 3) a “Magnum” sized condom.

    For the WVSR tree, I’ll string together a year’s worth of empty sandwich baggie corners filled with powdery residue to be used as garland. Ho Ho Ho!

    Reply
    • bikerchick says

      December 15, 2011 at 9:35 am

      What?!? You’re not licking the inside of the bag? Waste. Waste. Waste.

      Reply
      • Rat Bastard says

        December 15, 2011 at 10:55 am

        Nah…save ’em for a rainy day!

        Reply
  30. Vicki says

    December 14, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    The shiny top from my Tanqueray and the fragrant cork stopper from the Bulleit bottle we’re drinking right now. Festive!

    Reply
  31. m says

    December 14, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    One bottle of “antibiotics.”

    Reply
    • m says

      December 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm

      Oh, and an empty jar of salsa sauce.

      Reply
  32. RC Peddy says

    December 14, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    A sweaty, grass-stained tube sock with dark blue and yellow stripes. Go Mountaineers!

    Reply
  33. Kristy says

    December 14, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    An empty crab claw, left from a recent dive harvest and cleaned by taking a shot of tequila out of it. I have TWO of em on my tree right now…

    Reply
  34. hot fuzz says

    December 14, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    – a clump of dried monkey brains
    – a few unicorn tears (from my stash) in an empty Altoids tin
    – an evergreen scented deodorizer in the shape of an evergreen…dripping with irony
    – Tom Selleck’s mustache

    Jeff, speaking of irony…guess whose book I cannot order through Amazon.ca?

    Reply
  35. chill says

    December 14, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    I’ll be a swell guy and hang several airline-type mini-bottles of Maker’s Mark, Blanton’s and so forth. Maybe one or two each of as many good brands as I can find. I don’t like the stuff, but I believe Jeff may.
    .

    Reply
  36. Big Mike says

    December 14, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Pine tree air freshener

    Reply
  37. larryfromca says

    December 14, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    A pickle

    Reply
    • chill says

      December 14, 2011 at 10:18 pm

      A baby’s arm holding an apple.
      .

      Reply
  38. Mrs. L. Bangs says

    December 15, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    I think I would bring a Bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale to prop on a branch. Mostly ’cause it would cause Jeff to worry for the rest of the year that I think he’s an Arrogant Bastard.

    Or perhaps a bottle of Fat Bastard – either way, should send him into a 2012 tizzy!

    Reply
  39. dandan says

    December 15, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    a nug.

    Reply
  40. DaveF says

    December 15, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Only on this site would you connect the the dots and come up with the question “How big do ya think a midgets turds are?”. Scary.

    Reply
  41. FirstNations says

    December 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Flattened possum. Go Northwest!!

    Reply
  42. Uncle_Wedgie says

    December 15, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    A slightly soiled vibrating egg. (with remote control)

    Reply
  43. madz1962 says

    December 15, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Finger-less gloves so we can still appropriately use our “booger hooks”.

    Hooker red lipstick for Andy.

    Reply
  44. TxTy says

    December 17, 2011 at 11:26 am

    A glazed Krispy Kreme.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Now With Podcast!

Support Jeff And His Projects

Latest Tweets

  • Error: Could not authenticate you.

Facebook!

Footer

Get Social!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Search The Surf Report

Copyright © 2023 · Smoking Fish Media