OK, I don’t want to jinx myself, but everything seems to be Russian-free around here today. I apologize, once again, and hope it didn’t cause too many problems for you guys. This one was even uglier than previous excursions into the world of Give-Jeff-a-Goddamn-Stroke. The code kept regenerating itself on my end, and caused genuine mayhem for visitors of the site. It sucked, but I think everything’s under control now. Sorry it happened.
If any of you need help with WordPress, send me an email. The guy who cleaned up the mess yesterday has saved my ass many times. He’s great, and we’ve been working together for years. He can help during emergencies, and also does installs and professional alterations to your theme. I don’t know nothin’ about no code, and don’t want to know… I always just turn it over to him. I’d love to send him some extra work, so let me know if you’re looking for help in that area.
On Monday, while the virus or worm or whatever-the-hell was taking hold, I sent out a new Dispatch from the Bunker email. The link in that thing should be safe now, but I can understand why you might be leery. So, I’m going to break my own rules this one time, and link to the super-secret update here. If you’re not subscribed to the mailing list, you’re missing a weekly bonus update, like this one. The sign-up form is in the sidebar, if you’re interested. If not, that’s cool too.
Shockingly enough, two people complained this morning, saying they were having trouble finding Amazon links on the site. I don’t know how that’s possible, since they’re all over the place, but here they are again: Amazon US and Amazon Canada. Thanks, everyone, for remembering to use them. We’re on a pace to surpass December 2010, which is our best Amazon month ever. So, please keep it going. And thanks!
I have to go to an early meeting at work again today — apparently every Wednesday. So, I’m afraid this one’s gonna suck too. I’ll try to make up for all this on Thursday, with a genuine, full-length update.
Today I’d like for you guys to help me trim the Surf Report Christmas tree.
Many years ago, in Greensboro, I attended a hipster party where everyone was supposed to bring an ornament for the undecorated tree that was sitting in the middle of the hipster loft. People were hanging tampons on it, and photos of Sid Vicious, and crushed Pabst Blue Ribbon cans… I brought a big ball of dryer lint, with a metal hook embedded in it. It was a hit, and I was proud of my holiday offering.
So, let’s do the same thing here, kinda-sorta. Since we’re not all drunk together in a pretentious apartment in the South (unfortunately), we’ll just have to list our contributions in the comments section below. What would you add to the Surf Report Christmas tree? Use the comments link below, and together we’ll decorate this bitch!
I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends, with something more substantial. Thanks for sticking with me.
Have a great day.
Now playing in the bunker
Do your holiday shopping at Amazon: US and Canada
I will hang a papercup, stuffed with 2/3 of a slice of pizza.
I will hang a ham sandwich
I’d hang a block of cheese, but I hate to think what some of you would do to it.
Deep dish pizza, or thin crust? Folded? C’mon. We need details!
Make sure the pizza is folded. 😉
Oral Roberts says
I will hang my turd derby.
A fresh pair of tighty-whities
Fresh? come on, live a little – skids???
Bill in WV says
A 6 month dried up ball of Jimmy Kuhn spurt (God rest his soul). Delivered with 2 foot long tongs.
If I tie a mouse to the tree by its tail, can it have the pizza from the coffee cup?
A stick of deodorant for Nancy, a used pair of Jeff’s tighties for Nostrils, a bottle of bronzer for the transluscents and a fucking clue for the lot of them.
A 1/32 scale model of an electric/ soy powered hybrid car – with Blizzak tires.
That’s how you know yoi hit the internet big time, people trying to steal your stuff for their own benefit.
Oh, and I would hang a mad scientist mash-up of a pop tart and a hotpocket sealed in a thick layer of laquer.
A Wendy’s combo #4 (no pickles).
Maybe I’ll go to the butcher and get a nice fresh pig’s hoof.
A hot water bottle that occasionally sooth’s Jeff’s vagina.
that would be “soothE”. Where’s my goddamn edit button?
Whew, that bunker cam is all kinds of wrong. It took me a few minutes to realize that the midget was the dom. Good god.
“All kinds of wrong” doesn’t even come close! Hooooollllyyy SHIT! I especially like the crucifix implanted in her chest wall. That’s some fucked up shit! Betcha that lil’ midg would put a whoopin on ya too.
Bill in WV says
I think I could take that half-a-motherfucker.
She takes “Yours In Christ” to a whole new (scary) level.
The Qweezy Mark says
Chick has great cans! I wouldn’t think twice.
WB in OH says
I think she also has a penis, the leash is hiding “her” adams apple.
I’m with Qweezy: piercings can be taken out, hair grows back…but silicone memories last a lifetime.
I think the midget would look good hanging from the Christmas tree.
Gotta be Brits.
Bill, that’s loud out loud funny there.
Oops. Perhaps that last one was a touch strongish.
Naw, it’s okay Vicki.
They’re Brits or goddamn Scots, that’s for sure. Brits or Scots with great tits.
Oh…and a Jiffy Pop popper
A working lawnmower.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….
I’ll contribute the awesomely long paper clip chain I made. We can use it like garland.
Tipsey McChugney says
Blizzaks and good tidings to all!
I will have nightmares tonight after seeing that bunker cam. Ah Christ!
Bill in WV says
You would HAVE to hang one of Andy’s white turds on there.
WB in OH says
I’ll hang my two unused tickets to the puberty museum.
Mean Dr. Lily says
An old car tire.
T. Farty McAppleass says
I’d string together a bunch of cocktail weiners to hang on it.
Maybe hang some of those dried tiny alligators and seahorses that you get from the coast on there too.
Crown the tree with an empty DIET pepsi bottle.
And a few fast food napkins (or serviettes depending on where yous live) crumpled up and jammed randomnly into the tree.
Jeff, why don’t you just regularily link to the ‘secret updates’? Its not as if they are protected from view… especially since anybody can sign up for ’em. And they come up in a google search. (and becuase I usually forget/don’t bother to check my email).
Then they wouldn’t be secret.
Thats the point ain’t it? They are not secret.
one pair of russian testicles.
I’ll make an ornament by stringing together, and attaching to an ornament hook, 5 Johnny Bench golf tees that he gave me when I caddied for him in 1976.
I will hang some Marlboro cigarette butts.
Jeff, find out the hacker’s IP address. My buddy Ben is a 33rd degree hacker. He could take down NORAD if he wanted to.
I can get him to take down their entire network in 5 minutes just for fun, install viruses, re-direct commands, bomb them with denial of service attacks. Let’s do it.
Still trying to get my head around “hipster apartment in the South”…. Wouldn’t that be hipster trailer?
HEY!! We prefer the term “manufactured home”.
I’ll bring a talking ornament. Push the button and it says, “Go fuck yourself.”
Rat Bastard says
We had a tree trimming party like that last year. If I remember correctly, the top 3 ornaments were: 1) a prescription painkiller bottle (empty, unfortunately), 2) nipple pastie/tassles, and 3) a “Magnum” sized condom.
For the WVSR tree, I’ll string together a year’s worth of empty sandwich baggie corners filled with powdery residue to be used as garland. Ho Ho Ho!
What?!? You’re not licking the inside of the bag? Waste. Waste. Waste.
Rat Bastard says
Nah…save ’em for a rainy day!
The shiny top from my Tanqueray and the fragrant cork stopper from the Bulleit bottle we’re drinking right now. Festive!
One bottle of “antibiotics.”
Oh, and an empty jar of salsa sauce.
RC Peddy says
A sweaty, grass-stained tube sock with dark blue and yellow stripes. Go Mountaineers!
An empty crab claw, left from a recent dive harvest and cleaned by taking a shot of tequila out of it. I have TWO of em on my tree right now…
hot fuzz says
– a clump of dried monkey brains
– a few unicorn tears (from my stash) in an empty Altoids tin
– an evergreen scented deodorizer in the shape of an evergreen…dripping with irony
– Tom Selleck’s mustache
Jeff, speaking of irony…guess whose book I cannot order through Amazon.ca?
I’ll be a swell guy and hang several airline-type mini-bottles of Maker’s Mark, Blanton’s and so forth. Maybe one or two each of as many good brands as I can find. I don’t like the stuff, but I believe Jeff may.
Big Mike says
Pine tree air freshener
A baby’s arm holding an apple.
Mrs. L. Bangs says
I think I would bring a Bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale to prop on a branch. Mostly ’cause it would cause Jeff to worry for the rest of the year that I think he’s an Arrogant Bastard.
Or perhaps a bottle of Fat Bastard – either way, should send him into a 2012 tizzy!
Only on this site would you connect the the dots and come up with the question “How big do ya think a midgets turds are?”. Scary.
Flattened possum. Go Northwest!!
A slightly soiled vibrating egg. (with remote control)
Finger-less gloves so we can still appropriately use our “booger hooks”.
Hooker red lipstick for Andy.
A glazed Krispy Kreme.