When we were in Atlanta we had an HOA, but it was about as half-assed as they come. I’m not even sure what their role was, beyond collecting the yearly fee. It was probably just maintenance of the community pool, and maybe mowing grass in the common areas, and that sort of thing. We never heard about them telling someone they couldn’t paint their garage door a certain color, or anything like that. As HOAs go, this one was decidedly hands-off.
So, our limited experience was painless. But what about you? We all know about the legendary “gargoyle trouble” my friend Chris had, back in the day. Do you have any history with a homeowners’ association? Good or bad? Please tell us about it in the comments.
While I was sprucing up the bunker over the weekend I uncovered a sheet of paper that I grabbed in Myrtle Beach a few weeks ago, while Toney and I were looking at houses and condos. It lists the HOA guidelines for a place called Bridgewater. I have no idea… We looked at so many of them, and all those subdivisions have similar names. But I thought I’d share a few o’ their bullet-points today and get your thoughts. This isn’t the whole list, just the items that I thought were especially interesting:
- Storage buildings are allowed as long as they are approved prior and must match the main house detailing, trim, roof slopes/overhangs and placed on a permanent foundation.
- Above ground pools and tree house are not allowed.
- Clotheslines are not permitted.
- No parking on the streets allowed.
- American flags are permitted, no larger than 4×6.
- Up to four domestic animals are allowed.
- Garage doors must be kept closed when not in use.
- Artificial vegetation is prohibited on the exterior, all other sculptures and ornaments must be approved.
- Surveillance cameras/lights must be approved.
- Fences must be approved. Wrought iron or aluminum, no more than 4 ft high. Black or bronze color only.
- Solar panels are not permitted.
- No window air conditioning units are allowed.
The list goes on and on, but those are the highlights. What do you think? Could you live under such a regime? I don’t personally have a major problem with any of it. Maybe a philosophical problem with all of it, but that’s a different matter. The fence color rule seems rather bizarre, but I’m not super-passionate about my fence color freedom rights. What are your thoughts? Tell us about it in the comments section, if you’re so inclined.
And I don’t know what’s going on with the podcast. There’s a new episode out there somewhere, I’m just waiting for it to come back to me. I’m sure I’ll have it shortly.
Here it is, and here’s the summary:
In this one, I tell you all about our big honkin’ three-day weekend, which included but was not limited to lazy sackism, grilled meats, beer, and baseball. I also talk at length about the Brazil-like weather we’re having and the problems it causes, my recent mastery o’ the grilled meats, and our trip to a fantastic beer emporium. And I also share a recent call left at the podcast hotline. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening!
I hope you guys have a great weekend! I’m working on a major bunker overhaul. I’ll tell you about it on Monday unless I completely lose my shit. Which is a distinct possibility?
Take care!
Now playing in the bunker
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I would not want to live in such a place.
Malvina Reynolds is resting comfortably in her grave, so I’m rolling over on her behalf. They might as well determine where people live based on the penis size of the oldest male in the household. In fact, that’s what they’re doing: no danger of anybody who would submit to those conditions getting his dick caught in the non-opening garage door.
John
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_2lGkEU4Xs
where I live now is the first place I’ve had an HOA. they suck. the ppl that lived in my house before me did no outside upkeep and not long after I moved in I got letters threatening liens, foreclosure & legal action because the house hadn’t been power washed and my trash cans were visible from the street sidewalk. I found pictures from when the house was first built in 2001 & the trashcans were in the same place as they were when I moved in 17 1/2 years later.
there are houses where the yellow & tan vinyl siding is green & black and has been for damn near a year but apparently they didn’t get the threats to power wash like I did.
we’re also not supposed to park on the street as it’s a major road but not wide enough for street parking, but a lot of folks do it anyway & cause major traffic flow problems. no threats to them either apparently.
next HOA meeting should be fun when I actually go to it & speak my mind.
we also have the garage door, window AC units, flags/front yard decor & solar panel restrictions too but apparently they’re not as big a deal.
Nope. I would have issues. That’s the kind of shit that pisses me off. We have inalienable rights including Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Those rules clearly violate those tenets and are therefore communist and fascist. And probably heretical, too. And maybe even carcinogenic.
I live in a sub with an HOA, but as you said, they limit themselves to maintenance of common areas, hiring a plow service for the winter, and managing trash pick up contracts. Every now and then there’ll be a neighborhood event like Santa in the park for the kids. Otherwise I’m left alone.
Street parking, garage doors, lighting, and window units? They’re all cordially invited to fellate me.
I have a two story home and central air with less muscle than I’d like. I also like to sleep cold. I supplement my central air with a window unit. Like Chuck Heston said, you can have my window unit when you pry it from my cool, dehumidified hands.
HOAs are, as far as I can tell by not having done any research whatsoever, brought to us by yuppie baby boomers. They can all go screw themselves.
As long as your house isn’t harboring rats or free range exotic pets and I can’t hear what’s going on inside, I don’t give a shit what you’re up to over there. You want to paint the roof green and put purple polka dots on the red brick? You do you, pal. Rainbow flags, a Wizard of Oz landscape theme, barbed concertina wire and a pre-dug machine gun position in the front lawn, I don’t care. It’s none of my damned business how you live your life as long as you cause me no harm.
Here’s all I ask- don’t be a dick and otherwise leave me alone. I’d sign an HOA agreement with those terms without a second thought.
Nice articulation. Nice outrage. Well said.
As a boomer, I hope you’ll be able to separate the adjectives next time. We’re the guys who brought you a strong distaste for needless wars and vastly improved rock music. The yuppies are born to every generation. They’re the assholes who write the HOAs every 25 years, believing they’re covering new ground. Conformity never goes out of style and is always comforting to those with no imagination.
And I think you left out a couple of tenants HOAs violate, including the Mann Act and the crime of Mopery.
best,
John
Never have. Won’t. That’s a precondition if we ever move out of our current home. Might be able to live in an HOA neighborhood if it’s ratcheted back to your Atlanta house experience, but the list you summarize makes me itch. That’s just too much oversight for my taste. Definitely a philosophical issue.
What would you ever do without the Soviet Humbox units?
HOA’s keep other assholes from doing stupid shit but also keep you from doing logical stuff.
Our HOA had a height restriction for sheds of 6’…kinda problematic for someone 6’8″. Fought them for a couple of years and they finally approved it…long after I’d installed it.
The HOA here was fine, then a Glenn Beck disciple got on the board (only candidate) and behaved like an asshole. Said asshole has now retired to a Home For The Aged & Bewildered in Florida, and the HOA is back to being benign.
Those are pretty standard HOA rules as far as I can tell. We currently live with one, and for the most part they are hands off. I’ve gotten a letter once for falling afoul of the rules. People speed like Nascar down my street, and I have small children, as do many of my neighbors. I’m scared to check my mailbox for fear of getting hit by a lead-foot granny. I put a sign in my yard asking people to slow down (Drive like your kids like here) and I got a letter stating I had to remove it because all signage must be approved by the architectural committee. Of course one of the old b*tches on the board for the HOA is a habitual speeder, so Im not surprised.
The guy with the RV in his driveway, or the one with the truck on the curb never seem to get in trouble, it pisses me off a little.
We do have a nice neighborhood pool that is well maintained, and they don’t really police trash cans or lawn care as far as I can tell.
It can be nice to have some rules, however, when it comes time to sell your home. Nobody wants to buy a house that has sh*tty neighbors with overgrown yards, broken windows, cars on blocks, etc.
When I see a speeder coming I either step out into the middle of the street or, if they’re so close it would be likely to result in catastrophic injury or death, I’ll throw my hat across the street in front of them as they near me.
If they stop we have words. My neighbor across the street does this too and backs me up. He’s a 6’4” former Marine and makes an impression. Between us we have 7 kids and low tolerance for motorized idiocy.
Last week I talked to some high school dipshit in a convertible BMW. A guy walking by with his wife, dog and baby in a stroller thanked me for saying something because he’d seen the kid flying around earlier.
I wouldn’t live in a place with an HOA if you fucking paid me. That shit would just keep me pissed off constantly. I have enough stress in my life. No thank you!
We live in an HOA. In our area (Southwest Florida) 85% of the homes are part of an HOA, and of the 15% that are not, you either don’t want to live in those areas (ghetto) or can’t afford them (waterfront estates & mansions). While I’m generally not a fan of the rules, you should be aware of them before you buy the house and if you aren’t, you have nobody to blame but yourself.
I have a friend who spent $1000 on some nice tan blinds when he moved into a new house. He got a message from the neighborhood HOA that he would have to take them down, as only white blinds were allowed. He did nothing and apparently they decided to let his grievous action slide.
No tree houses? That is boolshit!
We currently have a half assed HOA like you described having. I don’t mind it. I wouldn’t put up with the shit listed – sounds like you’re basically paying fees to turn your neighborhood into a fucking apartment complex with an overbearing landlord.
Many years ago I helped some friends move into a house in Reston, Va. That place had all of the above and more: here’s the model number of the only porch light you’re allowed to have, here are the two colors your front door is allowed to be.
Because of seeing that, I made a point of buying in a place that didn’t have an HOA, but was still within reasonable distance of public transportation. I didn’t count on having micromanagerial city ordinances. It’s not nearly as bad as a full-blown HOA, but they still have rules on stuff like how tall your fence can be. And the unstated definition of “front yard” as including the area behind my house.
Yes. Having lived with and without an HOA, I would choose to have one if only to keep the Shelbyville riff raff out of my Springfield neighborhood.
Shit Like HOAs is why we live in the country. Hell, I couldn’t even put up with the half-assed bullshit coming from the political class in Sacramento, hence the move to the free state of Idaho on retirement. My hay field is waste high, my 1800 square foot shop and barn are both bright red, and what goes on behind my gate is my fucking business. Saturday I’m taking my backhoe over to the neighbors to widen his irrigation ditch, in exchange for a couple packages of steaks from his home grown beef cattle. Anyone wants to live with insufferable shit or mindless liberals dickweeds, have at it. It keeps the riffraff out of our corner of heaven.
I have never lived in a HOA, but if you are thinking about buying a house in one, make sure the HOA is not responsible for the water and sewer. It’s been my observation that such undertakings are doomed for failure.
The only rule that I recall when reading the rules on my CCRs was something to the effect of not allowing anyone to open a tire retreading shop at their home. Somehow I managed to stay within that guideline.
I had no idea John Fogerty had gotten into the real estate management business, but the way I figure it anybody who’s willing to drive on retreads in the 21st century deserves a break. I see a bad moon rising.
John
“Live free or die!”
“Give me bias ply or give me radials!”
“Don’t Re-tread on Me!”
We’re in the process of planning when to get out of the workforce and move to the Myrtle Beach area, but more toward the North Myrtle-Little River area. A lot of the available housing in Little River is part of an HOA, with varying rules and prohibitions. We have a couple of realtor friends who will hopefully be able to weed out the undesirable/intolerable neighborhoods for us. We will definitely need to be able to fence the yard with a high enough fence to contain our German Shepherd. That being said, there’s at least 5 things on your list which would be deal-breakers for us. Not looking for a nice cozy perch overseen by the Gestapo. At least in New Jersey they just take every penny they can bleed from you and leave you to do whatever you can afford with the rest.
And we have the same problem with speeders (usually young people who are completely inconsiderate of the rest of humanity) on our residential roads here. My next-door neighbor is a corrections officer for the state and he has no problem yelling down offenders and conducting the necessary confrontation where possible. Yes, I’m now part of the 60+ crowd, but I am 100% positive that I did not drive like this when I was young – I have not yet started down the road to Alzheimer’s.
Locally, the change with crazy speeders in residential areas occured in the early 90’s. I grew up around street racing, I street raced, but we always did it away from residential areas. Then in the 90’s I started noticing a peculiar trend with the rice rocket crowd, they’d roll up next to you anywhere in the city rev up a few times in the universal wanna race way, roll down their window and asked if you wanna race!? I’d say sure, I’ll meet you at [name of local back road for such purposes] and they’d “naw man, right here! vrroooom vrrrrooom”… Then they’d peel out all fast and furious like right into a neighbourhood. Yeah, that’ll go over real well. Of course now as a result, they want to drop speed limits everywhere and put in photo radar…Great (not).
Those HOA rules sound familiar. I am thinking that these sort of rules are in enumerated by HOAs in just about every golf course suburban community built in Florida over the past 20-30 years. In Fla these days, it seems as though there are two types of neighborhoods: 1) Cracker-Meth factories and 2) Golf Course communities. I reckon that the HOA rules are deemed as necessary to keep the latter from becoming the former type.
But what do I know, I’m just a “mindless liberals dickweed” .
My wife and I have been visiting various potential retirement cities, and have stumbled into a variety of sterile, stiflingly-similar neighborhoods which clearly languish under some sort of jackboot HOA regime.
We soon learned never to trust a neighborhood with its own sign and logo.
If you must enter through a brick or fieldstone gateway emblazoned with “Whitetail Ridge”, “Hawk’s Meadow”, “Red Squirrel Manor”, or any number of other critters expelled in order to build the place named after them, nope.
“Greeeeen Acres is the place for me …”
A stunning observation that had never, in seven decades, occurred to me, even though I spent a couple of years in the real estate development biz (albeit as a computer guy): Gated developments are named for the primary wildlife driven closer to extinction by the construction of the look-alike shanties. Maybe this already occurred to everybody else, but it strikes me as some kind of Feynman-like insight.
The exurban version of the universal joke: A “LIVE FREE OR DIE” flag flown in a gated, HOA development.
John
Seriously JTB, you never noticed that? Developments are so often named after what was destroyed to make it.
Another one for you, that I (previously) assumed everyone knew, put the word “Anal” in front of the name of any RV model you see – it nearly always works. Anal Adventurer, Anal Explorer, Anal Journey…
Limey, I live in a midsize city with neighborhoods and I don’t get out to the exurbs much. I’ve lived and worked in Center City Philly, Baltimore and Seattle, and done a little work in a fair number of large cities, none of which have gated communities at their cores. Of course they have exclusive condos, which are the urban analog, but condos aren’t named after dying species. Every house in my neighborhood has different architecture and is painted a different color. I don’t think any of the owners would be caught dead buying a look-alike house in a Planned Community. When I fly into SeaTac my larger neighborhood is right in the flight path: The number of mature evergreen and deciduous trees is staggering. When I quit working for The Man the last thing I wanted to do was move to a Development. I live in a place where people let their kids walk to school. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I nudge Patsy Cline and we go out walking after midnight. Nobody mugs us. I can’t comprehend moving to a place with a gate when I live in a place that doesn’t need one.
Of course, this doesn’t account for my ignorance about the names of exurb shitholes. But I thought if I kept talking you might not notice. Fuck, I guess “Fox Run” should have been a giveaway . . . It actually tells the entire story of the species.
John
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XikRDErgbW0
Those with the “Hate Not Welcome Here” signs in their yard are the biggest douche bags on the planet.
Yeah, cuz there’s nothing douchier than mutual respect between neighbors, right?
Indeed, saying I am so good and you are shit is the right way to display your feelings.
Don’t obsess about it. If you’re not a racist, sexist, bigot, or other hater, their little sign doesn’t refer to you.
And if you are, you might consider moving to a worse neighborhood.
I don’t have one of those signs, but one of my neighbors does, and they sometimes give me eggs from their chickens. They are excellent eggs. Perhaps they are a subtle version of the aforementioned “douche bag” and they are trying to kill me with cholesterol?
“We soon learned never to trust a neighborhood with its own sign and logo.”
Words to live by.
The solar panel prohibition especially rankles. The company I work for is in the process of building a larger headquarters outside of town and half of the parking lot is a solar farm. Not only do they generate the necessary energy to run the place, they also offer excellent shade for parking. HOAs are the worst. There aren’t that many hoarders running amok to justify the ridiculous list of draconian rules noted in the post.
So far we’ve got a reference to “mindless liberals dickweeds” and “douche bags” in these comments. Waiting for someone to label a group of folks “snowflakes” or “libtards”. That would perhaps complete the circle, as it were….
Get a brain! Morans
I still smile when I see that winner.
I want to think the best of my fellow humans, and have been hoping for fifteen years that the gentleman in question was protesting the despicable actions of Colonel Sebastian Moran, who betrayed his class. Sadly, it turns out the man’s class was seventh grade: just another Tea Party wannabe. Will the circle be unbroken?
John