Many years ago, in a land faraway, I sat in silence as two dubious characters concocted a felony that I didn’t want to know about. The planning went on for a week, and they both spoke freely and openly, with me sitting right there.
It made me feel uncomfortable on many levels. For one thing, both guys were a little scary. They liked me, for some reason, but I knew that situation could change in the blink of a black eye. And now that I knew the details of their criminal endeavor… what would I do if it went bad, and the cops came sniffing around?
If I folded like a lawnchair, as I feared I might, and told the cops everything I knew… I could end up as a rotting corpse in a strip mine. But, on the other hand, if I withheld evidence I could be charged as an accessory. And this wasn’t just some petty delinquency, like I was accustomed to. No, this was “go to prison” shit. Just knowing about it was a burden.
It happened more than twenty-five years ago, and I can’t remember either of their names, so it’s probably safe to tell the tale now. Right? I sure hope so.
I don’t want to over-dramatize it. They weren’t planning a murder, or anything like that. It was just a little light auto theft, and insurance fraud… Oh, and there was supposed to be a fire, too. Shit, I’m getting stressed just thinking about it. What the hell, man? My general line of work was vandalism and miscellaneous asshattery. This wasn’t the crime of the century, but it was WAAAY outside my comfort zone.
One of the guys was a co-worker, who owned a ludicrous pickup truck with tires that were probably meant for some kind of military vehicle, or perhaps something used by NASA. The truck was so tall it almost required a stepladder to get inside. The thing was also tricked-out with loads of redneck add-ons and accessories, including a Confederate flag window tinting, or somesuch. Needless to say, the horn played “Dixie.”
This guy was always friendly with me, but was a criminal, straight-up. I knew, instinctively, that it was best to stay on his good side. Most of us have a line we’ll never cross, but this dude was unencumbered by such inconveniences.
The other perp was a customer of the store where we worked. He also had a ridiculous pickup that was lifted high off the ground. But his was actually kind of new, and expensive-looking. My co-worker’s truck was a Frankenstein monster of stolen parts, and junkyard finds. Not so, the customer’s. His looked like it probably cost thirty or forty grand — during the 1980s, when that was an unthinkable amount for a vehicle.
Unfortunately, the customer was having a difficult time making the payments on his expensive hideousness, and was looking to unload it. He had FOR SALE signs posted in the windows, but anyone who might be interested in such a vehicle was in 7th grade, or made $14,000 per year cleaning carpet.
So… you can see where this is going. The two guys came to an agreement (with me sitting five feet away). The co-worker coveted all those kick-ass Frankenstein parts, and the customer loved the thought of a big insurance check, and no monthly payments.
And they did it. The customer gave the co-worker a key, told him where the truck would be parked, and the thing was “stolen.” The co-worker took it out in the woods somewhere, stripped it, and torched the bastard. He took the seats out of it, the stereo system, the super-expensive fog lights, etc. Then he set it on fire.
I couldn’t believe it. Even while they were in the final stages of their planning sessions, I assumed cooler heads would prevail. But they went through with it. And I knew it was only a matter of time before I was sitting inside “the box,” being questioned by a cop who plays by his own set of rules. Shit!
But, as far as I know, they got away with it. I was never dragged into it, thankfully. Oh, the co-worker went to prison, alright… But it was the result of some subsequent adventure, a few years later.
And for a Question, I’d like to read your stories about a situation where you knew something you wish you didn’t. Something that caused you to carry it around like a hundred pound weight on your shoulders… It doesn’t have to be criminal, necessarily. It can be a friend cheating on their spouse, or one of a million other things.
Please use the comments link below. And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
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Rat Bastard says
Rat Bastard says
I “know someone” that was actually asked to help out on one of these steal-and-burn missions as a wayward teen, but it never happened. “They” are glad that it never happened, but they sure could have used the money back then.
A friend of mine took a pipe bomb to school in 1992 or so. I knew about it, helped him build it in fact but wanted nothing to do with transport or school. He was going to sell it to the class moron. And he did, for a dollar. The class idiot showed it to the science teacher who naturally flipped out. I was questioned about it but never really affected, except I lost my best friend for the next 6 months at school and pretty much we were never the same after that.
Kind of a Stand By Me story.
Both participants in the story have done time, the idiot is a registered sex offender so fuck him (He stole a girl away from me, took her flower, and then dumped her).
“Took her flower”? Seriously dude? The only other time I heard it put that way was “Fat Monica” Geller on “Friends”.
I was trying to be poetic.
He stole a girl away from me, fucked her badly in her bedroom, and then never called her dumb 16 yr old cunt again.
Is that better?
Better? No. Clearer? Yes.
I kinda liked the “took the flower” of the worthless whore of a cunt..”Keep it classy”…I always say.
Where have all the flowers gone?
greg t says
Long time passing…
You’ve done a terrible thing today Mr. Kay.
After careful consideration, I have to say ‘no.’
This is yet another benefit of having a very poor memory.
Though there WAS all that fearful guilt I carried around after sneaking some smokes up to the ‘creek’ and enjoying a nice Kool with my next-door-neighbor when I was 11. Hardly end-of-the-world stuff, but at the time I just KNEW I was going to get ratted out by one of my brothers, who was also at the creek, quite unexpectedly. He never did.
I had a similar situation, but I got ratted on…..lol
A guy showed me the Latin III teacher’s answer book to an up-coming exam. She noticed it missing and asked if anyone knew anything about it. I raised my hand and asked to be excuesed. I headed down the hall in hurry to the boysroom, flung open the stall door and proceeded to puke and then shit myself. Needless to say…I don’t do well with that kind of information. Although I’ve never had a problem keeping secret, the idenity of drug dealers.
The Qweezy Mark says
Wish it weren’t true, but I’m becoming painfully aware that I am a first class asshole. I do smile a lot and have easy conversations in bars so people don’t realize it, so I guess I’m a fake, too.
Any other time I probably would have had a couple of good answers to that question but once I started thinking about it long and hard I came up blank. I got nothin’.
But I will sit back and enjoy the many stories I’m expecting from some of the frequent Reporters. Hey, has anyone heard from Jason lately? He pulled another disappearing act on Facebook and here. Then again, he might be imprisoned for assualting an entire grocery aisle of processed cheese, but, that’ll an update for another day…
And thank you all for the good wishes. I was in a downer mood, but today I woke up and said fukkit and am back to my snarky self. 🙂
YAY! We love your snarky self.
Miss Q says
Tonight, I will lift a glass to your snarkiness. I am at my snarkiest when I am feeling at my bestest.
A woman I used to work with – had a dumpy shape and an 80’s hair do (this was now 2004), wore too much ornagey makeup and had no fashion sense but she still thought of herself as the “Blanche Devereaux” of the Golden Girls – she actually thought she was drop dead gorgeous and could have her pick of any man, any time. She would screw anything that looked at her twice. And all I could think of was no self respecting man would fuck her with a STOLEN dick.
We weren’t close or anything but anyhow – we were standing on line in the coffee shop one morning (shortly after she actualy moved in with a total loser) where she proceeded to blurt out that she was giving Artie the gift of a lifetime that evening and allowing him to have anal sex with her.
Never drank the coffee I ordered. In fact, I probably skipped lunch that day, too.
That’s the gift of a lifetime? I must be a lucky guy!
T storm, it’s one thing to get it on wiht a hot babe.
it’s quite another – horrifying story – to look at this used up skanky saddle bag and hear about her sexual exploits.
I wish you had pictures!
Miss Q says
“Gift of a lifetime”….I should say!! Who wants a bunghole that SLAMS shut
from too much traffic?
Bill in WV says
I would say NEVER slams shut, due to too much traffic. Like very DEPENDable.
You’re just like crosstown traffic
So hard to get through to you
I don’t need to run over you
All you do is slow me down
And I’m tryin’ to get on the other side of town
Bet you skipped the chocolate crullers too.
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says
Heh. “The stuff in the bottom was like punching an eclair…. woo woo….”
Finger deep within the borderline. Show me that you love me and that we belong together. Relax, turn around and take my hand.
I can help you change tired moments into pleasure. Say the word and we’ll be well upon our way. Blend and balance pain and comfort deep within you till you will not have me any other way.
Knuckle deep inside the borderline. This may hurt a little but it’s something you’ll get used to. Relax. Slip away.
Something kinda sad about the way that things have come to be. Desensitized to everything. What became of subtlety? How can it mean anything to me if I really don’t feel a thing at all?
I’ll keep digging till I feel something.
Elbow deep inside the borderline. Show me that you love me and that we belong together. Shoulder deep within the borderline. Relax, turn around and take my hand.
EW. I could have gone a whole lifetime without hearing that.
I think anyone who’s worked in any field related to medicine has been on the receiving end of squicky TMI. I’ve worked in medical insurance, and about the only bodily function I didn’t have to listen to callers telling me about in detail was erections.
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says
Unfortunately, on a semi-regular basis, I have to know ahead of time when people are being let go. The worst was back in Denver, when a station format flipped. I knew for two weeks that about 10-15 people were getting blown out, and had to pretend everything was ok. What sucked the worst was being in a position that I had to outright lie to some of them when they asked. Yeah, it’s business, but these people were also friends.
I’ve heard about that, where people know they recieved a new contract or some such but can’t mention it and even though everyone knows you can’t say shit because that would violate your contract.
My late husband pulled some tricks in his day I would have been better off not knowing about. His favorite saying wasn’t “Ride It Like You Stole It” for nothing.
A good friend told me he was going to ask Chris to the “Sweethearts Dance”. He had no idea I was totally heartsick in love with her and neither did she. I had to act like it didn’t matter to me one way or the other when I saw them both. And when I saw that little pink heart on the hall wall by the gym that said, “Doug & Chris”…man….I wish I still didn’t know all that..ya know?
I’ve had a few times in my past that i knew things I probably shouldn’t have. I was never interested in going to prison, personally. But In my misspent youth I spent quite a bit of time hanging around people that in some cases spent more time incarcerated than they did out on the street. In my 20’s and early 30’s it was kind of exciting never knowing what was going to happen next. I became pretty accomplished at lying to the police, and a judge or two. One of my roommates in the 70’s became involved in an insurance fraud deal much like the one described by Jeff. Same guy was later arrested for armed robbery of a gas station he had previously filled out an application at. You see why some of the people i hung around with got busted. Not the sharpest criminals in the cell, many of them. Some of the things I shouldn’t have known about were actually things i shouldn’t have done myself. For example, had I not stashed 5 pounds of weed in a file cabinet in a small storage room directly behind the company commander’s office I wouldn’t have worried about getting busted for it for three days. I did retrieve it and manage to sell it without incident. And the stress didn’t stop me from pulling similar stunts for the next 15 or so years.
Damn dude…I’m now absolved of any totally illegal shinannashits I’ve ever done. I stress over getting yelled at for where my dog shits.That’s pretty much my level of criminal behavior these days.
Mine pales by comparison: recently a co-worker told me he was quitting, and swore me to secrecy. But it wasn’t very much of a burden; I totally empathized with him. Sorry, that’s about all I’ve got.
The only thing I can think of is I know what the “junk” of some of my geeky male friends from college looks like. We were all pretty damn drunk and someone came up with the idea that the girls should flash their tits and the guys flash their junk. One of the guys I suspect that was the first and last time any chick saw his junk, and I don’t mean because he’s gay.
Play in Peace
Chuck in Belpre says
When we were teenagers my friend across the street went on a crime spree and broke into a couple local grocery stores, one he even went in through the roof.
When I worked for Corning someone stole the phones out of several of the offices over the weekend. No one seemed to know who did it. I knew.
Another co-worker set his car on fire in his driveway. Seems that a certain type of Teflon spray burns without leaving a residue.
A guy I knew well had his truck ‘stolen’. It was found in a creek at the bottom of a cliff.
I once had to do jail time for a DUI. Luckily, it was only for one night (which counts as two days served.) As in arrive at 8 pm on a Friday and released the next morning by 6 am. Still, the experience sucked and scared the life out of me.
While waiting with a group of criminals to be processed into jail, one of the other weekenders was squirming and bouncing around the room. He freely admitted that he had taken a handful of percocets out in the parking lot and had some pre-roled joints stored up his keister that he planned to give out to the full timers.
There’s more: it turns out that Mr. Perc was serving his last two days of jail time and he was released on Saturday morning at the same time as me. We shared a cab back into town. In the cab he mentioned that he had forgot about the joints, they were still in there. He also phoned his girlfriend and told her “lock the kids in the basement and get the smack out of the safe, daddy’s coming home.” I got out of the cab at the first chance and took the bus the rest of the way home.
This weed is the shit!
You don’t even know, brotha.
Big Bear in OH says
I work on cell phones every day…and you would not believe the more than active sex lives of senior citizens in today’s society. I’ve seen some REALLY fucked up stuff. If you don’t want your cell phone tech to look at it, I’d suggest you not have it on your phone.