While I was driving home from work on Sunday night (actually Monday morning), I went past a mysterious house not too far from ours. It’s an old farm house that’s probably been standing for 150 years, and many nights it’s lighted from top to bottom. It’s incredibly bright, like they have a Hollywood spotlight running wide-open in every room.
I’ve asked Toney about this place, but she doesn’t know anything about it, either. At one point I was convinced it was an old folks’ home, or an assisted living residence for Alzheimer’s patients, but that was before I started seeing the lights on in every room at 2:30 am. That development rendered my theories null and void.
And on Sunday I did a full double-take as I went past, because there were five or six people outside doing yard work. In the middle of the night! It looked like they were raking and laying in mulch, and doing all manner of intense landscaping.
I mean, what the hell? It’s baffling to me. After I gave up on the Alzheimer’s idea, I thought somebody might be cooking crystal meth in there. But the place is really well-maintained, and now I see all this nocturnal gardening? It just doesn’t make any sense.
Any ideas? I seriously don’t know, and welcome your thoughts. One of these days I’m just going to stop and ask. There are always people around. It’s weird, man.
Yesterday I decided to rent a new post office box, since the ten year run with good ol’ Box 4 in Olyphant came to an abrupt and ugly end. I couldn’t decide which town to choose, and almost went with Chinchilla. But Toney said that sounds “stupid,” so I opted for Clarks Summit.
I went there armed with my properly completed application, two forms of ID (driver’s license and passport), and my debit card in my left front pocket. And the guy at the counter said, “Whoa! It’s somebody who’s prepared! Somebody who actually read the instructions!! Do you know how rare this is?!”
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I’m painfully aware that I am a member of a dying breed. Every time I go to Target or the grocery store or Sam’s or Best Buy… I’m reminded. And my colon just did the wave, while I was thinking about it.
Anyway, I was assigned PO Box 88, which is kinda cool. I’ve got no problem with 88, that’s a good number. 87 of 86 would’ve been a letdown, but I like the balance and look of 88.
And now I’m back in business. I can start collecting pizza coupons and Wal-Mart circulars, just like the good ol’ days. …I’m sorry, I’m getting a little emotional here.
Of course I’ve still got some renovations to do, and some light decorating. I’m thinking about lining Box 88 in granite, and maybe adding some recess lighting in the roof. What do you think?
How else could I improve my new mailbox? Help me out, won’t you? Use the comments link below.
And finally, I have a Question suggested by Metten. He wants me to ask if any of you have ever made a sign, and displayed it at a sporting event. He sent this suggestion from last night’s Kansas City Royals game, and was apparently surrounded by signs at the time. I just don’t know.
We can expand the question to include any kind of event: sports, concerts, parades, political rallies, demonstrations, or anything of the sort. Have you ever made and held a sign over your head? Or draped it off the upper deck, or whatever? I haven’t. I’m not really a sign kind of guy. But what about you?
And since we’re on the subject, there was a couple outside the post office yesterday with all sorts of anti-Obama signage. One said “Obama Needs Therapy!” (wtf?) and another featured a doctored photo of the president with a Hitler mustache.
I don’t much care for political kooks, on either end of the spectrum. And when these two tried to start a conversation with me, I gave them a dismissive wave of the hand and kept walking. Like I’m going to stop and talk to crazy people…
As I entered the building, the woman started screeching belligerence in my direction, something about the Glass-Steagall Act. What the? To random people in Clarks Summit, PA, on a Monday afternoon? The Glass-Steagall Act?
During the Bush years I treated the lefty versions of these two in exactly the same way. A kook is a kook in my book. They’re so far to the left and the right, they’re wrapping around and meeting in the middle, or something. Sheesh.
Anyway, back to the question… Have you ever made and displayed a sign at some kind of crowded public event? Maybe “We love you Woody!” at a Bay City Rollers show, or something? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
I think you should put in a TV wristwatch. That would be awesome–entertainment while you’re going through your pizza hut coupons, jitterbug cell phone adds and whatnot!
As far as your nocturnal neighbors…a Nightowl Commune, Albinos who can’t afford sunglasses or Heliophobics who are obsessed with yardwork???
I don’t think they are vampires. I think they are polygamists! Can’t come out during the day (except for the husband & his main wife) but sure can get the yard whipped into shape with all 6 wives helping. At night, of course!
Speaking of vampires, I think you could really make the postman think twice about you by putting some Team Edward memorabilia around. Maybe a candle shrine to Twilight. A heart around Jacob’s abs…..come on….you know you want to!
“It seems to be all or nothing; R or D; right or wrong; Obama’s fault or Bush’s fault; Obama’s wars or Bush’s wars… It’s a little frustrating to try and figure out…. what I do hate about it the most is that my brother gets all his political views verbatim from Fox News – and dismisses any other possible viewpoints.” – Hotfuzz
Holy geez, hotfuzz! I read that and thought I had written it! I never get why this country forgets there is more to politics then Dems & Repubs. And when you mentioned the part about your brother, I thought you meant MY brother! (Is your brother a guy who was from So. Cal but chased a piece of ass to Pittsburgh where he now resides whipped as a horse’s ass?) If so, we’re related!
I think Jeff purposely chose Box 88 because he is secretly a NASCAR/Dale Jr. fan.
Melissa – hi Sis..Good to know someone shares my pain. And naw, he’s closer to Lou-eye-ville.
I have to admit though, I get MY American political views from Jon Stewart. Maybe I’m just as annoying as my brother is…
(I highly fucking doubt it).
He came to visit and was here all of 25 minutes before his first non-detailed, Hannity/Beck, hyperbolic, Fox News, facto-pinion about what Obama’s doing to ruin the country…no examples mind you… just the opinion. I love my brother but for the love of GOD – SHUT UP… sigh…family…
I stopped talking to my brother over a year ago because I just couldn’t take it anymore. Everytime we’d get on the phone it would go from ‘How’s mom…how’s dad….how’re you’ to ‘Obama is killing this country! His socialist views are going to run us in the ground’. Yadda-yadda-yadda.
Mind you, I don’t like Obama (or any major politician for that matter), but I don’t like defending him, either. So, there went that relationship.
Now he pisses and moans to my mother who in turn calls me upset that she wishes I would talk to him and just “tune him out when he gets into his politics”.
I love Stewart and Colbert!
Ah, you can pick your friends, pick your car, even pick your nose, but ya don’t get to pick your family.
Indeed, 88 keys on a piano, thus that old refrain about “try to keep your 88 straight”.
Also, a great football number.
86 would not have been so good, in show biz it means cut and gone forever, apparently a reference to opening a trapdoor under something (or someone) to make it disappear.
88 is also a gang sign of the Aryan Nation. Just sayin’.
=8^-)
This just in…and I’m not making this up. I did some easy electrical work today for a guy I know who wanted to know what he owed me. A six pack is a common payoff around here as other places and so he brought me a sixer of the very “CLOVE BEER” I was bitching about yesterday. Jeezum-Friggin-Crow.!!!!!!
dto, I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “A good deed never goes unpunished”. Sounds like that’s what happened. Sorry about your luck. Maybe you can regift it.
bumblebee – ‘fist Mardi Gras’ – sounds kinda scarey!!!
If I ever held up a sign and I doubt that I have, it was a non-memorable event.
There is a church around this neck of the woods, (I think it’s condemned at the moment) which totally makes me think cult. There’s no windows on most of it – one day I’ll stick a smok’n fish on it and take a pic.
@dto
Just be happy it wasn’t Narragansett Beer. It finishes the fermentation process in your stomach.
that house your speaking of reminds me of that movie the burbs with tom hanks, they had that creepy house and the people there were always digging in the yard at night. i agree with the post telling u to stay away!
Erin,
that was a pretty cool story. I wish someone would do that whenever Leonard Little played.
I agree with hot fuzz, watching you paint is way better than watching me drink any day.
Later tonight I’m going to staple my dick to a stapler.
And as far as the signs. I don’t think I have. I have friends that have.
I actually had a dream last night where I was wearing my evil twin shirt and people were asking me about it. Is that werid?
Ouch.
@Hot Fuzz, My daughter plays the trumpet. It’s hard to get her to go to her brother’s games but when she does, she’s taking that thing! Good call! We lost a few good players due to the shitty Michigan economy but they will still be pretty good.
Okay Bengals fans on here, tell us how you really feel about the T.O. signing. Or, to stay on topic, what would your sign say that you would want to hold up for T.O. to see?
As an Eagles and Steelers fan, I have mixed feelings. After the whole McNabb-T.O. drama I tend not to wish him on any team (excepting Cowboys; I rather liked him messing with them). Yet with the Bengals being division rivals to the Steelers….I kinda feel a little glee at the thought. But then my more charitable side thinks those guys have had enough problems (Chris Henry anyone?). In any event, I’m always game for the possibility that T.O. will be broken in half by someone, preferably Polamalu (assuming either one of them even play for a significant amount of time this year). As for the sign I’d hold up? The one finger salute will do just fine.
G,
I’m ok with it. If you have 85 and TO in at the same time, plus Cedric Benson then we have a pretty good offensive threat. Assuming Benson doesn’t get suspended.
Plus OchoCinco is pretty pumped about it and a happy 85 is a productive 85.
I’m hoping for some crazy waterboy style plays.
I’ve heard the team to beat in the division is the Ravens. Fuck the ravens.
And for a sign (“to” stay on topic):
GFY Rothlesberger
(‘Cause that Ain’t Rape)
Politics are fun, as long as you admit that both sides are probably wrong and that the politician that you love so much is also fucking you over at the same time.
Oh and thehouse is straight out of Bentley little.
Jeff,
My first theory about the spooky house was that it’s a Women’s Health Clinic and those people who were fucking with the leaves were protesters wondering why they weren’t getting press coverage, even though they showed up at midnight every night.
But I believe I’ve figured it out. It’s a porno movie studio. That, of course, explains the bright lights and, given the American economy, explains why they need to shoot all night to accommodate the schedules of the actors who are working the first shift at 7/11 and the second shift at Subway.
I think they’re about to shoot “The Postman Always Comes Twice”, and I know you’re looking to raise a little extra jack. Just a thought. I think they’re currently casting for “Clash of the Tittans” and “Shitter Island”. I’d stay clear of the latter, but I’m not your agent. Do as you see best.
jtb
OB12
And what is this shit with all the P.O. boxes in different cities? Are you STILL in the witness protection program? Holy cripes, Olyphant, Chinchilla, Clarks Summit (without an apostrophe), Scranton. Hell, I live in Tacoma, mail in Tacoma, bank in Tacoma, dry clean in Tacoma, doctor and dentist in Tacoma — I’d copulate in Tacoma if my life were going better, and I’ll probably die and scatter in Tacoma. I’m just not agile enough to keep jumping from town to town, but live and be well and, again, do as you see best.
jtb
OB12
Jeff:
88 is a great number in Taiwan. 8 is lucky, so 88 is double lucky. Plus, you being a Dad and all, you should know that Taiwanese Father’s Day is celebrated on 8/8 because the sound for the words “eight eight” sounds like the sound for the word “father” (pa pa).
I’m thinking the PO Box decorations should go with a bamboo motif….
Yeah so I’d have to agree those “landscapers” are clearly burying body parts. As for the sign, if it’s not “will video for food” it’s “I’m nalts from youtube but I like my privacy so I hope you don’t recognize me.”
T-storm: Yeah, McNabb and T.O. were all buddy buddy too before T.O. came to the Eagles. McNabb even pushed to have him on the team. And when they actually started working together everything went down the shitter.
T.O. very simply has some sort of personality problem, perhaps even mental problems (the latter I say because of that weird alleged suicide attempt business that happened in Dallas). He seems incapable of behaving reasonably and being a good teammate (and I don’t buy that he was a good teammate in Buffalo). Past history suggests his relationship with Chad could eventually sour. I especially don’t see T.O. accepting second or even third string status behind Chad because he’s clearly never been able to give his ego a reality check. So while they may be a formidable offense in the beginning, I suspect T.O. will start complaining about not getting the ball and whatnot around mid-season. And then either he’ll get loud and disruptive or he’ll, for all intents and purposes, quit on the team. Unfortunately for Bangals fans, the coaching staff doesn’t have a strong track record for keeping troublesome players in line. So, sorry, I just don’t see this as a good move for the Bengals.
As for your sign, HA! That would be a good one.
All right…I’m gonna make a sign…NO CLOVE BEER!!!
…and staple it to my….front door.:)
Where’s my goddam smiley face? 🙁
88 is a good number. It’s the year I graduated high school.
The only sign I’ve displayed is for a political cause. Apparently Joe Dirt is imprisoned somewhere, no doubt brought in by the CIA or secret service or some other nefarious organization. I first started noticing signs all around the area this spring popping up in people’s yards. They all said the same thing:
“FREE DIRT”
Obviously this is a vast government conspiracy, so I’m doing my part. I’ve placed a “FREE DIRT” sign in my yard to show my solidarity with Joe Dirt. For some reason people keep knocking on my door asking for Dirt – why would he be at my house? I just keep telling them “Amen brother, where IS Joe Dirt?” but they all look at me funny and walk away.
Jeff thanks for changing yesterday’s Further Evidence (or was it the Classic?). I purposefully didn’t comment on it so as to not attract others to it in morbid (as in morbidly obese) curiosity.
What has been seen cannot be unseen. I felt like Spock when he caught a glimpse of the most hideous ambassador EV-ARRR. You know, the one they kept in one of those little treasure chests they bring to the table after the meal so the kids can pick their dollar store crap memento… so fugly it would have driven him insane if not for his anal retentive Vulcan side???
My cousin and I made a sign to hold up when Ronald and Nancy Reagan came to town. We held it up when the limo rolled by. It simply said, SHOW US YOUR TITS.
Must be a halfway house. Only a bunch of dry drunks would garden in the middle of the night, unless they are Moonies.
I have held lots of signs over my head. My standard is SUBMIT AND OBEY. It works for every occasion.
The yard is nothing but a fence, the sun just hurts my eyes
Somewhere it must be time for penitence. Gardening at night is never where
Gardening at night, gardening at night, gardening at night
The neighbors go to bed at ten
Call the prayer line for a change
The charge is changing every month
They said it couldn’t be arranged