Luckily, I don’t have an abundance of stories to share on this topic. But… having lived in Atlanta for six years, there are a few things. I mean seriously. Atlanta is one of the shit stolen capitols of the world. I had a lot of my shit stolen there.
Well, not a lot. But some. Below I’m going to give you a brief rundown of the times I’ve been burgled over the years. Then you guys can take it from there, with your own rundowns. Sound good? Good.
When I was eighteen or nineteen, a person or persons waltzed into our house and jacked some of our stuff. The doors weren’t locked, because that’s the kind of town Dunbar was back then, so I can’t really say they broke in. But it sure felt like it.
They took our Intellivision console, a bunch of cartridges, and cash from my brother’s paper route collection bag. I think there were other things missing as well, but that’s all I can remember right now.
It had to be someone we knew, because the cash was hidden away and they went straight to it. My mother has a theory, and still clings to it. The only problem? I was with the person she suspects, so it couldn’t have been him. We were drinking vodka and Five Alive that day, and you can read about the episode here.
I really don’t know who was responsible, but it still makes me mad. If they’d trashed the place, looking for something of value, it might not have been so bad. But this “burglar” knew exactly where everything was hidden. And I was probably nice to them, the next time we talked…
When I lived in the Arrested Development house in Atlanta, I had to drag my spent and horrible draws to a laundromat on Briarcliff Road, then carry them up a couple flights of stairs to my apartment.
One night I had two baskets of stuff, so I parked in the driveway (about six feet from the house!), and took the first one up. And when I returned, the trunk of my car was open and the second basket was gone.
I can’t remember if I’d just lowered the trunk lid without latching it, or what. But I certainly didn’t leave it standing wide open, because when I saw it that way I instantly knew something was wrong.
Some bastard had stolen my clean clothes! Including my favorite, perfectly faded, jean jacket. I couldn’t believe it; for a few minutes I was completely wild, shouting profanity and vowing revenge. Man, I’m still getting a little worked-up, just thinking about it….
For the next few weeks I was on high-alert for some dusty turdchunk street person, wearing my prized jacket. I knew I’d eventually spot him, but never did.
And what the hell? I was gone for twenty seconds. Were they lying in wait, these laundry-nappers, off in the shadows until the opportunity arose? Man, that one really bothered me.
I also had my car window smashed while living in that place. Someone stole my stereo, and cleaned out the spare change on my console. But that comes with the territory, and didn’t upset me as much. If you choose to live in a tiger cage, you’ve got to expect a few maulings, here and there.
When I called the cops (strictly for insurance purposes, believe me), they had a voicemail system, I remember. For shootings, press one. For stabbings, press two. If someone doused you in gasoline then set your ass on fire, press three.
And about the only other episode I can remember, is when someone went into my office in California, and cleaned out my CDs. Inside an office building! With security cameras everywhere.
I was livid, and sent a scorched-earth email to everyone in the building. My boss told me I probably should’ve excluded the CEO and his lieutenants, but funk dat. I was wild with anger, and those guys needed to know about the thieving sons-a-bitches they had working there.
But nobody seemed to think it was a big deal. I couldn’t get them to review the security tapes (maybe because there weren’t any? I don’t know), and everyone kept telling me to calm down.
There was a stereo in my office, and I kept twenty or so CDs in there, to play during the day. They were in a drawer, and this person took every one of them. It happened overnight, after everyone had gone home. The cleaning crew? I don’t know, but that would be a damn good place to start the investigation. Don’t you think?
But nobody gave a crap, except me. There was no investigation, not even a hint of one. <sigh>
And now it’s your turn. Tell us about the shit you’ve had stolen over the years. I think I’ve gotten off easily, considering. What about you?
Use the comments link below, to tell us all about it.
And I’ll see you again tomorrow.
So, my son was sitting in his homeroom class today, and some nerd came running up, yelled “I’M A NINJA!” and poked him in the eye. WTF?
He said it felt like his eyeball almost popped out of the socket. So he steamrolled the fool into the wall (that’s my boy!), and now he’s at the doctor with Toney.
Bottom line: no update today. On account of chaos, and dipshit kids who don’t understand that ninjas don’t holler. And they don’t act like Moe.
Irregular sleep-wake rhythm “is quite rare, and is often the result of a weak body clock, as are many of the circadian rhythm disorders. It may also be the result of neurological problems, and neurological conditions such as brain damage, dementia and mental retardation may lead to the onset of this disorder.”
hahaa…I always say(really i do) “it’s all fun and games til someone losses an eye”
aint that the truth.
Swami Bologna says
For those of you have didn’t read all of today’s (Wednesday’s) Further Evidence, here is the best part:
A: I’ve also had people who want me to operate on their anuses to make their fart sounds a little more appealing.
Q: Get the fuck out of here, what kind of a fart sound are they going for?
A: Generally they have a higher pitched sound, and they want something with a lower pitch.
Q: Like a baritone versus a squeaker?
A: Basically. So I had to configure their anus skin so their fart sound would be more to their pleasing.
Q: Oh shit, you actually did it? Someone paid you to make their farts sound better.
A: Well they tried to put it through with their insurance.
Q: Which insurance company is willing to pay for that?
A: None, so far all the companies have denied it. But the people try and then they end up having to pay for it.
Chuck in Belpre says
Idiot kids…I hope the lick your kid put on the other was a real good one.
Swami Bologna says
Couldn’t decide between “For those of you haven’t read” and “For those of you didn’t read”, so obviously I chose “For those of you have didn’t read.” 😉
Swami Bologna says
And I even fucked up my stupid explanation. Left out the all-important “who.”
Lee Harvey Ramone says
No, you must be Don Francisco’s sister
He warmed the cockles of my heart.
That’s just great. Nothing like hot cockles.
Sometimes I need to go to the bathroom to take a dumpt real bad, but when I get there I don’t need to go anymore. That makes me feel like my shit was stolen.
“Bottom line: no update today. On account of chaos, and dipshit kids who don’t understand that ninjas don’t holler. “
Some do: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3eNx0LBrmY
Sorry about the Secret.
WB in OH says
Swami-Some days you just gotta say fuck it, they’ll figure it out.
So let me get this straight, some little ninja wanna be goes all moe on a secret and the faithful followers of Brother Jeff Kay get the stink end of the stick. In all seriousness I hope your boy is okay. We only have two eyes and as my cycloptic neighbor can attest to, stereo vision is much better than monovision. He’ll also tell you to not to hit a 3 wood out of the trees.
Swami Bologna says
You’re right, WBinOH, but I’m so anal about spelling and grammar, that I need to kick myself publicly when I notice my mistakes. But I realize people reading either won’t notice the mistakes, or will understand what I’m saying and find the flaws irrelevant. I, however, am a nut-case, so I must at least make an attempt to correct those flaws, even if it actually just points them out to those who wouldn’t notice or wouldn’t care to begin with. It’s not easy being me.
I get robbed every 15th and last day of the month. I am forced to participate in government ponzi schemes at great loss financially. I get robbed again on April 15th if they have not stolen enough. Good news is that I get to be robbed even more once the newest ponzi scheme is in place.
My grandfather was a collector of all things. Gadgets, coins, puzzles, etc. So he’d go out to the store, get home, and notice a few coins were missing. At first he thought it was just him being disorganized but it soon dawned on him that things were Not Right. When I used to visit I’d often drive by the same local wandering the streets with kind of a limp. You’d just drive by and think “there’s that guy again”. A few years ago I stopped by and and my grandfather said “Look here”. He pointed to a bulky camcorder and gave me a little background info.Then he played the VHS where “that guy” walked into the scene, riflled through some drawers, and ran off. The police got most of his stuff back and he never pressed charges. I could tell he got a kick out the whole thing.
Do you mean the government ponzi scheme that President Clinton balanced in 1998, the one he balanced in 1999, or the one he balanced in 2000?
The “newest ponzi scheme” reduces federal spending over ten years according to the CBO, who everybody but David Duke believes is not-partisan.
You might want to look up the meaning of ponzi scheme. Just tryin’ to help.
RUSTY IN JOISEY says
We were robbed twice in Europe on vacay. Someone cleaned out my wallet while we downstairs at breakfast. The security manager looked over tapes, card key reports and whatnot and said no one had been in our room. Funny thing is, I looked in my wallet before we left for breakfast and all of my money was there, and when I looked again as we were leaving the hotel, it didn’t have one cent in it.
We ordered a special credit card that we only used in Europe – we never once used it in the US. Funny thing is, a couple of months after we came back, someone in NEBRASKA was charging stuff to the account. Apparently, a thief got the number and sold it to someone who actually made a new credit card with it, because my husband still had the card in his wallet. Very sophisticated. I think the Security Manager at the hotel was running a side-business.
By the way, the hotel was the Stieglbrau in Salzburg, Austria. Avoid it if you like your money.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I got my pocket picked in Caracas about 12 year ago. I saw the kid who did it and went after him, and stole my wallet back from him. I suppose I was lucky that I didn’t get a knife in my ass because of that stunt.
Sam in Rochester: Next time I’m in Canada I’ll be on the lookout for those rascally bacon-fed plaid riots. 😀
JTB: It could be just one of those quirky things in the universe, or the fact that I was raised by parents who were born in the 1930s (they had me pretty damn late). If it makes any difference, I prefer the quirky universe theory.
Jeff: Ninjas can become invisible. And can breathe underwater. And can walk up the sides of buildings. So it’s not possible this kid was a ninja. Perhaps, caught up in the exciting moment of having someone’s booger-hook mere centimeters from his brain, your son misheard. I’m quite certain the kid yelled out “I’m a dragon!!” instead (or possibly “I’m a stooge!”, grossly maligning Iggy Pop in the process). In any event, he deserved to be immediately beamed into a wall the old-fashioned way (because he would probably have enjoyed the Star Trek method waaaaay too much).
On a side note, a dude I know who talks just like Napolean Dynamite texted me earlier claiming three vehicular near-misses on his way home from “kickboxing.” I inquired as to why he didn’t get out and start kickboxing the bejeezus out of people. Then he went on a spiel about how he would have….if only his car would turn into a Transformer, like he nicely asked it to do. Yes, he’s on drugs. I’m beginning to feel like all this clean living is causing me to miss out.
It’s late, I’m punchy, and there’s more TLDNR here than I can shake a cursor at. I’m going to bed. Goodnight, all!
I recall a kid in HS who (due to the song Turning Japanese I think ) use to go around “karate choppin” other kids.
One day a teacher who was into Karate put the chop on him.
That was the end of the kid’s karate choppin career.
Amanda Leigh says
When I was in high school, our house was broken into over a long weekend while we were away. They stole a couple of suitcases, an old pair of my dad’s sneakers and all the shit they could fit in the suitcases. They made off with all my mom’s jewelry including her dead mother’s wedding ring, my little brother’s coin collection & some small pieces of Depression glass. We thought they stole several guns, but we found them months later stashed in the garage. Did they plan to come back. We’re dead certain to this day that one of my cousins pulled the job. He was the kinda fella who stole his mom’s station wagon at age 12 to drive to Florida. He’s still a winner – he breeds pit bulls and is no longer allowed to any family gatherings. I misspelled my married last name for him just so he couldn’t look up my address – he is shaaaaady.
Right after I bought my house, someone broke into my car that first week I lived here. They smashed a window and yanked out a crappy CD player – they took a crowbar to the dashboard & steering column. The upside was that the dangling wires out of the dash made for a GREAT security system. When I had to park in a sketchy part of town, I’d just yank out those wires & let them dangle. The downside was that they messed up the electrical system so to get my headlights to turn off, I had to shimmy under the dash & yank a fuse. I got really fast at it & could do it in the dark just by feel.
Hell Yes, I had shit stolen from our house in Dunbar when I was a senior! Right in the middle of the day. Turned out to be our preacher’s kid. Talk about losing your faith…..
i hate everyone says
last night i had 1500 stolen out of my cargo pocket while i was asleep.. i have 5 suspects but no proof….. fml