I don’t buy anything, except ebooks. And food, lots of food. But what about you? Have you ever purchased a product from a TV commercial, or infomercial, or something similar? If so, how did it go for you? Were you satisfied?
I admit that I’m mildly intrigued by the flashlight that can be frozen inside a block of ice, dropped from a helicopter, or run over by a piece of industrial machinery. But the chances of me actually pulling the trigger on it? Exactly zero. I’m not buying that bullshit. I mean, seriously.
I also like the glove you can put on, and plunge your hand into a blast furnace at a steel mill, or whatever. But I’ll never own one, and probably never be inside a steel mill, either.
MyPillow amazes me, too. What must their advertising budget be? They’re everywhere. You can’t escape that mustachioed pillow salesman. I was in a grocery store a few days ago buying ice cream, and there was a giant display of those super-expensive pillows in the middle of the floor, with ol’ Mustache Johnny in the center of it. At a grocery store! On the frozen food aisle!! Those things cost fifty dollars each. Have any of you bought one? I need some feedback. How could they possibly live up to such a price? They’re pillows.
There are other things that intrigue me, as well. Like Dinovite, for your dog. They advertise on the radio continuously. Not sure about TV. But they’ve caught my attention. Also, I’m interested in the Squatty Potty, which is apparently a shitting stool. Any experience with that kind of thing? Please help me understand. I am sincerely baffled.
Here’s one of the classic TV commercials for questionable products. It’s memorable because of the terrible acting, general ridiculousness, racial cartoonery, and sexual menace.
Have you ever bought any such items? Please tell us about it in the comments. I have literally nothing to offer here. Sometimes I do look at the As Seen On TV section in stores, but never buy anything. Crap like the Snuggie, the ShamWow, and whatever they call that spray-on weaponized rubber they use on the bottom of that air boat? Do you own any of that stuff? What about that Red Copper deal, or the garden hose that shrivels up like a February penis? I need to know your opinions of these things, and whatever else you might have been suckered into buying along the way. Anything? Please share.
This is a pretty good collection of infomercial fails. There are tons of ’em on YouTube, but none contain my favorite. It was from a few years ago and featured a guy dragging a big bag of leaves across a lawn. It was level and debris-free, but he suddenly shouted and threw his arms in the air, before collapsing in the yard. Did he suffer a catastrophic aneurysm? Take a sniper’s bullet? It’s never explained.
I’m calling it a day, my friends. If you have anything to add to this conversation, please do so.
And I’ll see you again soon.
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I am often amused that they say “only available on TV” and then there is a whole isle of the stuff at Wal Mart.
I have one of those hoses that shrink up when the water is turned off. Actually, I have had a few of them. One of them blew up against my leg. I don’t think they show that in the commercial.
The Original Wordnerd says
I’ve actually seen solicitations from 1-800 lawyers regarding these types of injuries!
It’s perfect symmetry. Hire a TV-based sucker firm to avenge the damage suffered from a TV-based sucker product.
Can’t say I bought any as seen on tv items. Probably have some spin off products (ie: a slicer/dicer. fixed v-blade contraption that you drag your product across to cut it up wafer thin or into cubes. Works as advertised, my mum used the hell out of that thing, but she was making larger volumes of food, me, I prefer to just hack it to pieces by hand.
I knew somebody who had a pocket fisherman. They kept it in their service truck and used it when they where working outside the city…. or I should say, when they where killing time along some body of water somewhere…
Becky in canada says
bought the schicky a stupid lint roller, it worked for about 3 rolls then you have to wash it off. Used it maybe twice, I think he bought it because the guy selling it was such a weirdo, I guess as a joke, I thought the guy was a perv myself….not that i don’t appreciate that
The only thing I’ve purchased is the magnetic screen and it works GREAT. Except the velcro doesn’t hold that well and I had to tack it down. Then the hurricane came through and blew that sucker right off. Hell for $14. its cheaper than a screen door and I didn’t have to cut a hole in it for the dogs. The husband did buy the hand hammered wok 30 years ago…….he still hasn’t lived that down.
Reva, I don’t know what a magnetic screen is, but it sounds like a screen that is attracted to magnetized aluminum. Hmm, that doesn’t sound quite right. In any case, I was wondering whether you would consider taking it off before the next hurricane. On the other hand, I applaud your optimism.
Basically its two panels of cheese cloth material you stick around your door. Magnets in the middle snap it closed when you pass through. Using my electric stapler to put it up made taking it down out of the question ‘specially when its comin’ a flood. Thanks John sometimes optimism is all I have.
Eugene Sims says
I had friends and family that enjoyed their Mr. Microphone. It was loads of fun. We would hide a radio in someone’s room and whisper things like… “Get out” “I’m taking your soul” “I’m watching you” or just broadcast our ass blasts in the next room. Oh, it was considered high comedy at family gatherings.
My wife is a sucker for that stuff. But then she bought a couple of those My Pillows. Best pillows EVER.
Those shrinking hoses are worthless. They drip like a diseased dick the whole time they’re shrinking up.
The pocket hoses are great, but you should get a good one from a hardware store. I wouldn’t use any other kind of hose now, even though if you make a mistake with it it won’t last long. Mistakes include leaving the spigot on with the spray-head turned off, allowing the pressure to build up too much. It’s not a good idea to leave it leave it outside during the winter. Also, it should be massaged periodically with a mixture of olive oil and cocoa butter. Before the first use in the spring, it should be soaked in a warm bubble bath and gently fondled.
“Shrivels like a February penis”
BTW, it’s Bourbon Season. Give in.
I bought some kind of ecofriendly paint stripper that worked great.
Also a couple of snuggies- they’re ok I suppose.
I asked for and received a Chillow, which is a thin water filled pad that’s supposed to stay cool all the time. I got it because I hate a warm pillow. It works for a few minutes and then I heat up all the time water and it becomes pointless after half an hour or so.
Two product categories I’ll never buy from tv or low end retail- kitchen knives and tools. If I’m in the market for either I’m buying quality.
I bought an electronic pesticide plug in. That damn thing works, had trails of ants every day for a year no matter how much poison I put out. The second I plugged that bad boy in, no ants, going on 7 years…
I bought a Grill Daddy that I saw on TV. Ridiculously simplistic design, yet the thing works great! About 30 seconds of work on the grill and it’s good as new.
This year for our anniversary i got my wife a set of Tiffany’s wine glasses because she likes wine and fancy things. She got me a squatty potty, because i have bowel movements. She’s not a great gift giver.
I told her i wouod try it out for a few days, because apparently i love her. I couldn’t shit with it. It seems as though i already have proper poop posture. Nobody has ever coached me on it, i’m just a natural at letting solid waste fall out of my body without a lot of complex contortions involved. It comes so naturally to me that i never thought other people needed such peculiar job aids to do it.
It felt like it just closed a door or shoved a cork up my asshole. I almost slipped a disc while trying to push poop out of my chute. I have to say it’s not worth it.
Although there is a teak model, maybe i’ll get that for christmas and it’ll make all the difference. Or maybe she’ll just stab me in the leg and and save the money.
I bought the Ginsu knife (the one with the 1″ wide blade) 40-odd years ago. It still lives in my kitchen drawer. It has carved many a turkey and ham. It has also gutted deer and sliced wedding cakes. It’s been used to cut carpet, trim dowels, sharpen pencils, cut aluminum, plastic and rubber. Vegetables, frozen fish, roasts and chicken. Getting a little dull, but I still have the original box and life-time warranty papers. Afraid to send it in, I may not get it back after all these years. But it is still my first choice for slicing tomatoes.
The motherfucking Spin Mop. Rearranges dirt and cat hair to a larger circumference .
That sounds like the lyrics to a Korn song.
Chu's Sister says
I LOVE my squatty potty! I feel like I’m next level with my eliminations.
I think I sustained permanent damage laughing at the one-star reviews for the Pocket Hose (60% of the 5,957 reviews are one star).
The number of reviewers who said the hose fell apart or burst in the first three days is staggering, and even more staggering is the number of those people who wanted a prompt replacement. For example, “The pocket hose is great, for the 2 or 3 weeks before it explodes. This is our second pocket hose . . .”
And for the love of God, we shouldn’t laugh at the syntax and vocabulary of the reviewers who use English as a second or third or fourth language. But laughter is not a voluntary expression. For example: “This product has broken at the first time, It was a pity, Nylon cover it loosened and the plastic hose do not resisted, I am a few disappointed with this product . . .”. But later in the same review, “I have confidence in that product, I believe it is good, only I had a few bad luck.” Apparently, the fault dear Brutus is not in ourselves (or a shitty product), but in our stars.
Or this: “Do NOT buy it (& Amazon should stop selling it) It lasted 55 days before it started leaking.” And later in the same review, after an Odysseus-type journey involving faxing and outrage, “Update: I just received the replacement hose – I don’t have much hope that this will last any longer than the original, but at least it has been replaced by the manufacturer.”
Or this: “l turned on the water and it had a hole in it . The nozel leaked ,then l tigented with a wrench and it still leaked. l put another washer in the nozzel and it did stop leaking. The product is JUNK .” I assume the hose failed, in part, because his water has a hole in it.
And it turns out that, perhaps, you CAN cheat an honest man: “I can’t believe that I am stupid enough to fall for this product again. The concept is great but the product is totally inferior. The 3X version only lasted for 2 uses and then leaked very badly. The original one that I bought last year at least lasted for about 3 weeks.”
This goes on for 1,693 one-star reviews.
I, for one, enjoy the faith of the American people. It might be the last honest spectator sport.
I like the Squatty Potty. Maybe because our toilet is kind of tall (high?) so it helps? I don’t know, but I’m a fan.
I opted for the cardboard box. It does the same thing.
I have been absent for far too long… Where are
the smoking fish pics?
I don’t have anything to contribute on the topic at hand but I thought it worth mentioning that the pasta sauce in the picture looks disgusting.
Yeah, I agree. Even more disturbing is the followspot on the Mother’s bosom. I suppose that’s better than lighting the kid, but why not light Mom’s face or even the product?
I received the blast-furnace glove for Christmas a few years ago, and it’s great. It’s held up and works better than a standard oven mitt even if it gets a bit wet.
I actually bought a Chillow a couple of years ago, and it worked well enough until my cat walked over my pillow, puncturing the Chillow pad and causing all of the water to leak out onto the bed. Don’t buy one if you have any stabby-clawed pets.
JR in FallCity says
Squatty Potties are awesome. Pooping is a breeze now.
And I have used Flex Seal to seal up the bottom of a garbage can. it works.
I’m trying to determine the relationship between the first two sentences and the last two.
Hahaaa. Me too John. I wish Flex Seal was around when I had a Diaper Genie in the house.
The bumper dumper may be the missing link to garbage cans and pooping good.
John in the Gump says
For heaven sakes people, I’ll save you money on the squatty potty. When you sit down without it, lean forward 20°. Done. Money saved. Same torso/legs angle. Probably the best marketed item ever. About the time your elbows hit your legs, let it rip.
I’ve bought a couple things on the “as seen on TV” isle. Usually do pretty good at what they are supposed to do but are often cheaply made.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I’m thinking of getting one of those iStaplers for myself; maybe one for the little lady, too!
With the cost of surgery spiraling like a failed field sobriety test and Obamacare in the squatty potty, arming yourself with the ability to close after family surgery via USB-attached device is not just a good idea: it might soon be part of the federal healthcare mandate. The decision to purchase one for the little lady would depend on how much term life you’re carrying and just how little she is.
If she gets *that* look very often, you might consider getting her the lower caliber model. Also, if you engage in ANY extramarital activities like bowling or golf, you might consider wearing one of those plexiglass eyeshields the Oakland Raiders sport.
I have bought products that were advertised on TV. Such as frinstance, Coca-Cola and certain automobiles. And Winston cigs, back in the day. But I have never bought the Ginsu, the Pocket Fisherman or the Veg-o-matic. Let’s not even talk about the Stella Maria Door Mirror. I did buy a turntable from Crazy Eddie; does that count?
The Qweezy Mark says
Seems like an awful lot of people could use more fiber in their diet, or bad cocaine.
I say go for the daily double and serve celery sticks filled with coca paste instead of peanut butter.
That eliminates the nut/legume allergic reaction half the kids seem to have these days and has the added benefit of getting you high enough to buy useless shit like the squatty potty while channel surfing like a madman.
In the context of “as seen on TV”, I see the spirit of Trump is alive and well in Kentucky.
Basket O' Deplorables says
Aww, suck it up, buttercup.
Basket O' Deplorables says
… And I see lefties are being nice as usual:
We could all use a little more civility, including me. Sorry I offended. Racism pisses me off. Here’s some free advice: My source was CNN, which normal Americans, including normal Republicans, agree is something of a middle-of-the-road institution. Your source was The Gateway Pundit which editorially calls our current president all kinds of names, some of which are linked to his skin color and ethnic origin.
The goofy thing is that the story they reported actually happened. You could have cited the New York Times or even the Washington Times, which is editorially somewhere to the right of Virginia White Pride, but is actually a newspaper which employs actual journalists.
There’s a difference between journalism and fake journalism: between news and fake news. We forget that simple notion at our peril.
I do wish you a Merry Christmas.
Thanks John, you keep me sane. Sometimes I just need a voice of reason.
Cross Lanes Curmudgeon says
One Christmas I got one of those Snuggie sleeping bag-type blankets, which according to their TV ads, are apparently only to be worn while watching television in your living room. Since I have never felt the urge to climb into a fleece cocoon while watching the tube, I put my unused, boxed Snuggie in my car trunk, figuring it might come in handy, in case of an emergency. Sure enough, later that winter I got caught in an ice storm while driving back to Wild, Wonderful from Iowa. I slid into a rest area when driving became impossible, climbed into my Snuggie, and snoozed for an hour or more at a time until it got cold enough that I had to run the car heater for a few minutes. Now, I won’t travel without it.
About every other Christmas for the last ten years, I’ve posted the poem below. It’s not as chewy as “Christ Climbed Down” but it has its own charm. And it’s a sonnet fer cryin’ out loud: A Christmas sonnet.
This is a poem about a businessman who, in the course of doing business, is “forced” to financially ruin a friend of his, feels a pang of guilt for doing so, and seeks and finds redemption. I can’t think of anything in the context of current events that this could relate to, but I nonetheless gift it to you in this season of gifting. I wish you peace.
by Edwin Arlington Robinson
Christmas was in the air and all was well
With him, but for a few confusing flaws
In divers of God’s images. Because
A friend of his would neither buy nor sell,
Was he to answer for the axe that fell?
He pondered; and the reason for it was,
Partly, a slowly freezing Santa Claus
Upon the corner, with his beard and bell.
Acknowledging an improvident surprise,
He magnified a fancy that he wished
The friend whom he had wrecked were here again.
Not sure of that, he found a compromise;
And from the fulness of his heart he fished
A dime for Jesus who had died for men.
Basket O' Deplorables says
My problem is when a fun website like one is suddenly politicized.
said “Basket O’ Deplorables”
Visiting the White House tomorrow before it’s spray painted gold.
What a shit year 2016 has been. Enough. End already.
Basket O' Deplorables says
The comments section of the West Virginia surf report used to be funny, but now that you politicized it, it is shit, just like Obama and Hillary.
Have a good trip to DC, I hope you bring plenty of Kleenex.
2016 Best. Year. Ever! (Now you know what I have felt like for the past eight years).
I think we should ALL live in truce: peace is better than war, love is better than hate. So I’m down with dat.
If the election of Trump were purely a political matter, it might be indelicate to mention it, but it stomps all over America’s shameful (or sketchy, choose one) racial past, our objectification of and discrimination against women, the growing chasm that separates the rich from the rest of us, the fragile progress we have made with regard to gender preference and identification and the distribution and use of non-habituating drugs, women’s rights to access health services, and the shameful decline in the quality of popular music.
Since Jeff counts mentioning an election outcome as politics, I’ve said very little about it since T-Day, and my respect for and appreciation of Jeff is pretty strong, so I’ll continue to, for the most part, vent my angst elsewhere.
We should all treat each other with more respect.
And you might want to look up the word “politicize” in a good dictionary. You’re not using it correctly. I mean no offense. I’m trying, as I do on occasion, to be helpful.
I wish you well.
I bought one of those aluminum wallets. Got it home, started transferring stuff from my traditional dead cow wallet, and quickly discovered the aluminum one doesn’t hold near enough shit. Took it back to the”As Seen on TV” store, but they wouldn’t give me my money back, just a store credit. Farging iceholes.
Guy at work had one, but the plastic clasp broke, so he was using a rubber band to keep it closed.
One is tempted to just put the rubber band around one’s cash and credit cards and eliminate the middle man.
Back in the 1970’s I used to make my mom buy me those Ktel records you could only get via mail. There were like the top hits of the moment the one I got had Brandy by Looking Glass on it. Then in the 80s or early 90’s there was this amazing sandwich maker that made sealed sandwiches like home made hot pockets. It looked like this https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.M8035cf76868fe57a70be6aacaf33eaedo0&pid=15.1 and had an annoying woman explain how this would change how you lived. It was a major PITA hard to clean, didn’t get hot enough burnt the bread left the inside not melted. When I left my first husband I left it behind. Fast forward 10 years and my new husband had one in the closet – we still have and laugh about it. And that annoying lady she’s still selling stuff on TV here: http://www.redcoppersquareasseenontv.com/index.jsp
One of my husband’s friends works for one of the “As Seen on TV” companies. So he used to give him stuff like a Jack Lalane juicer that also collects dust in the closet.
If you live in SE PA Boscovs has an As Seen on TV department. There is or was an As Seen on TV store in the King of Prussia Mall. And CVS sells some of the items. I also bought the microwave baked potato cooker bag. It does seem to even out the cooking but I still prefer my baked potatoes actually baked in the oven.
I’ve purchased the X-hose (aka shrinky hose), Flex Seal and received one of those flashlights mentioned for Christmas. All have worked as advertised, but the X-hose is by far my favorite.
Intrigued by the MyPillow review by WV.Hillbilly, may have to get one.
Lew in Bama says
My husband started doing an As Seen on TV gift swap at Christmas with his brother in law just for fun.
So far we’ve done the Night View sunglasses, the ear wax vac, the hands-free cell-phone holder, a toilet light, a talking toilet roll holder, veggie spiralizer, and the bacon bowl.
The toilet bowl light is the most useful, I can get up to pee in the middle of the night and not turn on a light.
Please help me out here. I surely dreamed this…
Has anyone seen the commercial on V.I.Poo ? It’s some kind of spray that you apply
to your poo, so that people using the toilet after you won’t smell your poo. It’s like some
kind of oily slick that seals the smell in.
Was this real or was it the good herb I smoked?
It IS real…
I’m buying a case of this stuff for all future gift giving!