Somebody threw an egg at my car. And that’s some level-three bullshit, right there. What the crap, man? It apparently happened overnight, Saturday into Sunday, while the car was parked in our driveway.
I assume it was local hooligans, out marauding and working off pent-up ball energy, or whatever. But what if it wasn’t? What if I was… targeted? Oh, this is the kind of thing that can mess with your head, if you let it.
I immediately started concocting conspiracy theories, and a list of people who might have a grievance with your corpulent correspondent.
Just a few days ago I kinda sorta got into it with a guy who was doing some work for us in the yard. But it wasn’t that bad, just a few seconds of conflict, quickly resolved. Surely, he didn’t come back and egg my car, did he? When I mentioned this to Toney she told me I’m insane. “It was kids,” she assured me.
She’s probably right, but I did some research on that guy, and he doesn’t have the best reputation. On the Facebook page of his so-called landscaping business, people left several comments about his combativeness and assholish tendencies. But throwing an egg at my car? Probably not. He seemed like the kind of guy who wouldn’t hesitate to take a swing at somebody, not the type to do stuff on the sly. He seemed more hands-on, and can-do.
Of course, Poppa Half-Shirt hates my guts. But we’ve co-existed for almost sixteen years now, and he’s never done anything like that before. And I’m sure there are people at my job who wouldn’t mind vandalizing my car, but would they travel 40 miles to do it? I don’t see that happening. I make people 20 miles-mad, not 40.
So, I’m sure Toney’s right. It was just young shitheads, living up to their shithead destinies. Grrr… It was funny when I was on the other side of that equation, but not so amusing on this side of it. Oh well.
Do you guys have any victims o’ vandalism stories to tell? Like I say, I could write a book about all the crazy-ass destruction my friends and I perpetrated years ago. But I don’t have much on the receiving end, thankfully.
When I lived in a terrible neighborhood in Atlanta my car was repeatedly violated, like an altar boy. And one time somebody stole a basket of my just-washed laundry off the backseat of my Hyundai Excel. Yeah, that one took the cake, right there. Who steals laundry? Every time I passed some junkie derelict on the street there, for the next year, I wondered if he was wearing my saggy Hanes briefs underneath his bum uniform. Incredible!
But, overall, I’d say I’ve gotten off pretty easy in that regard. What about you? Do you have any stories to tell? Use the comments section to get it off your chest.
And I’ll see you guys again soon. I’m going to try to up the number of weekly updates here. We’ll see how it goes.
Have a great day, my friends!
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Have never been vandalized by people, only by x-treme weather events. Like the hail storm that shredded hostas and beat down ostrich ferns last spring, the derecho that took out a couple of trees and tropical storms that do the same. Or maybe it’s just God’s way of saying see you in hell. *gulp*
I’ve always been the vandaler not the vandalee or vice versa if I have those two mixed up, fortunately that is thirty years in my past. Just black birds shitting all over everything each spring but I can’t bring myself to cut down the trees that house them.
A lot of this sort of stuff is going on where I live in Morgantown. It is pretty much one group of kids – or so most people seem to think anyhow. I have lived here almost 3 decades and I have noticed it seems to come and go. In the early 1990s, the area was hit this sort of thing. Plus – a rise in breaking and entering, cars being broken into, animals being taken from porches, etc.
A firefighter friend poured a five gallon bucket of foaming agent into a motel courtyard fountain and filled the courtyard with foam about 12 feet deep.
Several years ago I parked my car in the alley directly behind my house (a common occurrence, for my neighbors too) and someone spray painted all sorts of weird gang crap and homophobic slurs (who knows?) all over it. Luckily, someone turned me on to an automotive paint solvent that would remove the spray paint without damaging the underlying coat. It sort of worked; you could still see the ghosts of “187” and the like, but at least I could drive it.
That one pissed me off, but good.
Lew in Bama says
Bored teenagers on spring break?
We get a big spike in general hooliganism around here when school is out for any length of time.
Christmas break, spring break, and summer break are all prime time vandal season for teenage punks with nothing to do.
Martha & The Vandals – “Egging In The Street”
Phil Jett says
Had a good chuckle when I read that Limey. I think Martha would even think it was funny. Thanks.
Martha was on the Detroit City Council for a while.
Based on her behavior while in office I’m not sure you’re correct about that.
That woman was a little nuts.
About 8 years ago someone decided to pry open the back window of my Nissan Frontier and help themselves to my golf clubs. At night of course, while parked in my driveway. Joke should have been on them, since they were worth about $50 total, but they were my late dad’s, so there was some sentimental value attached. Cops came, they got a detective out to take prints off my truck and a few days later I got a call from some guy across town telling me he found my golf bag floating in the lagoon by his house. Not much good to me after that. Then, a few months ago, out of the blue, I get a call from that same detective telling me that they matched the finger prints to some local scumbag that got busted for something else. Turns out the douche was about 1 month shy of 18 years old when he hit up my truck, so they could only charge him as a juvenile. Just my luck. Guy said he’d try to get me some restitution (I think we used $500 for the police report) but I’ve made sure not to hold my breath on that one.
In my area, the little hicklets think it’s side splitting, pants pissing hilarious to take a baseball bat to your mailbox. Of course, people started pouring their mailboxes into concrete, hoping the little bastards would shatter their collar bones while hanging out of their cars swinging like Hank Aaron. But a few years ago, some dickwads took it a step further and M80’d our box. It’s surrounded by very old, very dry evergreens so that could have caused a really bad forest fire.
And I think I told you folks, we live on a very nice estate that Beloved manages. The place is always kept pristine per his boss’ expectations. They pay dearly for their place to look nice. We also abut a Memorial park and state land, so when these places hold an event, it’s not uncommon for some begrudged fucker to toss garbage out their car windows onto out lawn. I guess they think they’re sticking it to the man – but the man is MY man who has had to clean up shitted up diapers, fast food wrappers and beer cans. People just out and out suck.
Maybe a Memorial park is something different in the Empire State than it is out here in the Great Pacific Northwest, so I could be confused. Here we hold funerals and memorial services at Memorial parks, then bury the celebrated party six feet under if he’s still dead.
I can understand why somebody might chug a 40 or two, to assuage their grief, or even shit their diaper in anguish, but fast food seems entirely inappropriate for a solemn event like an exit shindig. Although, come to think about it, anybody who would jam a Twinkie in his pie hole during a requiem would be just the kind of asshole who would chuck the wrapper out the moon roof to be blown like a plastic tumbleweed onto your hubby’s estate.
My condolences to all involved.
LOL! Our Memorial park holds events like the 4H Club and other assorted ass hattery jamborees that bring the hordes of doofuses out in droves.
Has thewvsr.com been vandalized? I can’t find the bunker cam link.
I’ve had cars violated a few times. Most recently, some dickwad hooligan smashed my car window because he thought there were gold bars on the passenger seat. This while the car was parked in front of my house, while I was sitting on the back porch and not able to see it.
And my yard, of course. It’s the neighborhood garbage dump for drivers and pedestrians alike. Evidently the distance from the 7-11 to my house equals the time it takes to drink a forty.
Only real vandalism I’ve been the victim of, was at our local minor league baseball stadium let’s call them the Golumbus Glippers. On 2 separate occasions after enjoying the game we have returned to the parking lot to find the drivers window shattered. Nothing stolen just an afternoon of waiting for glass replacement
Maybe it was just a chicken who couldn’t hold it any longer.
Not Oprah says
That’s optimistic and hilarious all rolled in to one.
I have had my car egged while parked in front of my house. I consider it karma payback for the probably 20 cartons of eggs that I have thrown at usually moving cars in my youth. We used to love getting into car chases.
Phil Jett says
I use to own an old Jeep CJ. Three times I had my radio/radio cassette/radio cd player ripped out of the dash. I also has two weatherproof speakers mounted to the roll bar but they never touched those for some reason. It was a soft top so there was no keeping anyone out.
Yeah, I’ve always wondered why Jeeps have lockable doors.
Mup mup says
Fellow former CJ owner! Mine got egged while the top was off. The vandal’s aim was true, and the egg hit one of my a/c vents, getting all over the inside of the vent. Any future blowing air reeked of rotten eggs.
We also once had the top piece of a fountain stolen and chucked through a light-up sign.
Mailboxes in my neck of the woods. The response is to brick them in, it seems to help. The activity does seem to ebb and flow over time, I guess the perpetrators grow up anf get their own mailboxes vandalized.
Root 66 says
I can’t really think of anything of ours ever being vandalized. Truth be told–I just don’t own anything nice enough for some hooligan to tear up. If anyone ever broke into my house or car, they’d probably leave $20 and a letter of apology!
I own a LOT of properties across the whole country. I own a company that is a lender and so I end up with repossessed stuff all over the place. I have a few highlights that stick out:
1. I did a site visit of a house I had taken back in a foreclosure in Louisville… The family evidently let their young daughters, Lilly and Meagan, write on the walls as decoration. Things like “Kill ‘yo self playa” and “I love you faggot” were written in pink marker.
2. I once had a portfolio of rental homes I foreclosed from a man who was caught stealing cocaine from the police evidence locker and re-selling it in Miami to a DEA agent. He was upset that his legal issues forced him to default and for me to subsequently foreclose. His response was to remove all the tenants of the houses and take a shit in a random air duct in each of about 25 properties.
3. I had a loan to a Vietnamese chicken farmer who, when asked to pay his loan, decided to poison thousands of baby chicks and hop on the next plane to Asia. It left me with something akin to the avian version of Normandy Beach.
4. I repoed what is now my personal truck. The borrower keyed “FUCK” into the side of it as the tow truck was driving away. I’ve not fixed it because I think it gives it character.
5. I own a shopping center down the street from my house where there is a public restroom. About once every 3 months a random person decides to paint the bathroom in actual turd. Everywhere. Ceiling, walls, doors. We have to have a professional crew come out and sanitize it.
6. I reposessed an RV last year and decided to try to sell it myself. So, I parked it at a property I own that has good street exposure and put a “For Sale” sign on it. It sat for about a month with no activity other than it appeared that someone had been sheltering inside through the winter. It was extra cold that winter… so, once spring rolled around I decided it was time to send it up for auction. As it warmed up, though, we learned that not only was someone sheltering, they were shitting inside the trailer and the warm moist spring weather brought that back to life.
7. One time I had a bunch of vacant property in Columbus, Ohio that I was trying to unload. I had a property manager “keeping and eye” on all of it and trying to get it leased up. I decided to do a random inspection one day when I was in Ohio for some other reason and he took me to a few of the houses just to check them out. They were all filled with gang graffiti on the walls and in one of them we walked in on a hooker while in the middle of turning a trick.
8. I had to foreclose on a radio station in South Carolina. It was a Christian radio station. I discovered a moonshine operation in the storage building.
I’ve got tons of these….
Comes back to see if there’s a fresh post on wvsr. Sees eggs and thinks it’s Easter post. Realizes it’s an old one. Begrudgingly returns to awkward conversation with relatives.
Be joyful, because, although Jesus might still be deceased on Easter, Solomon Burke lives on, along with the Blind Boys of Alabama, to entertain you . . .
Toney did it.