I took my car in for an oil change today, and asked them to also fix a brake light that’s shit the bed on me. Someone at work told me about the light a week or so ago, and I haven’t had a chance to deal with it until today.
And I was convinced the predatory middle o’ the night cops in this town would pull me over and put me through another drunk test. Every night, almost without exception, they have someone pulled over when I’m coming home from work around 2:30 am. And a couple of times that someone was me.
The first one had to do with a Big Mac purchased only moments before, at the 24 hour McDonald’s. I specifically told them “no pickles,” ’cause they’re nasty-ass. But when I took my first bite of the burger, my teefas passed through something that was suspiciously pickle-like. Then I tasted it.
Dammit! I was instantly angry, and began yanking the devil’s fixin’ off my hamburger, while navigating the abandoned streets. And the next thing I know, there’s a whole mess of lights in my rearview mirror, a-flashing and a-twirling and whatnot.
WTF? For a couple of seconds I thought it might have been a runaway corndog stand from the county fair. Not really the most logical of thoughts, but there you go…
The cop was all business, and refused to crack a smile. I told him I was trying to get the pickles off my Big Mac, but he saw no humor in it. Then he started shining a light in my face, and wanted to know why my eyes were bloodshot. “They are?” I responded.
And the next thing I know… he’s got me doing the Stupid Human Tricks. Touching my nose, and following his flashlight with my eyes, etc. I told him I hadn’t been drinking, I’d just left work, but I guess people routinely lie to the police? Apparently it’s true.
He finally let me go without issuing a ticket, but he was an earnest man — exceedingly earnest.
The second time cost me about two hundred dollars, and had nothing to do with food. At the bottom of the interstate exit ramp is a set of flashing red lights. I understand they mean the same thing as a stop sign, but the streets are almost completely deserted at 2:30 in the morning, and I had gotten into the habit of doing the ol’ rolling stop, then continuing on my way.
The cop who pulled me that night was also not very funny. Not really the kind of guy you’d want to have a beer with… He did that really annoying thing where they ask, “Do you know why I’ve pulled you over this evening?” I always have to suppress an urge to say, “Because you’re a prick?”
But, of course, I know better. I never mouth-off to a cop, ’cause that’s a battle you’re not going to win. And this one told me I’d gone through the flashing lights at 20 mph, which was complete horseshit. I would put it closer to 5 mph.
He wrote me a ticket and gave me a lecture about keeping my vehicle under control, and it cost some number between a hundred and two hundred. I can’t remember the exact amount, but it was a lot. And my vehicle had been under control at all times.
So, when I found out one of my brake lights had burned out, I feared the worst. I figured they’d be lying in wait, and would seize the opportunity to yank my ass again. But I somehow got away with it. The brake lights are operational once again. Pass the beer nuts.
Have you been pulled over by The Man recently? Tell us about it, won’t you? And what was your all-time most memorable encounter with a traffic cop? I know I’ve told these stories before, but I don’t do anything in the real world anymore, and am forced to recycle.
I’ve had plenty of memorable experiences on this subject, but my favorite happened in South Carolina. I was living in Atlanta at the time, and was returning from visiting my parents in Dunbar (I think). I’d gotten off the interstate to buy gas, or a cannonball of fat from McDonald’s or something.
I was pulled over by an older black man, probably in his late fifties or early sixties. He eyed my Georgia driver’s license, and finally said, “I know different states have different laws, and everything. But I was wondering… In Georgia if there’s a sign that says ‘No U-Turn,’ does that mean to just go ahead and make a U-Turn?”
And you’ve got to give credit where credit is due… That’s some funny shit. A good line. And he let me go, too, even though he’d watched me whip my car around in a big ol’ U-Turn, around a No U-Turn sign. He acted like he was having pity on a poor retarded boy, but that’s OK. I can live with that.
If you have anything to report on this subject, please use the comments link below. I might be back tomorrow, and I might not. Just a word of warning… Don’t be too shocked if I don’t update again until Sunday.
Either way, I’ll see you guys next time.
Have a great day!
A few years back I got the flashing light treatment by a Wellsburg authority figure. He claimed I had taken off too fast from an intersection, (I didnt realize there was a law that specifies my level of pedal usage while within the regulated top speed limit). Anyhow, he quickly backed down on that one because I hadnt gone over the speed limit, and then preceeded to inform me that my tires were going to need replaced soon. I asked if he would allow me to get out and look with him, he ablidged. I pointed out that my tires were far from needing replaced, and he eventually agreed and told me to keep an eye on them. I didnt know the gestapo was in so tight with Tire America, or maybe he just has a fetish for tires, gimme a break.
Cracked radiator in the mighty Chrysler. That’d piss off a wildman. And tomorrow it’s supposed to rain then ice then snow. This sucks.
At this time.
I hope you were able to line up a repair today. There are a couple radiator shops in P-burg. Unless you want to try it yourself. That’s scary.
No I couldn’t do it myself. The jacklegs in Auburn Hills fixed it so you have to take off most of the front-end to get the radiator out. There was a time I would’ve done it but not now. I’ll fix your computer but I leave the auto stuff to others.
Found a guy in Belpre to do it but it will be probably Tuesday before I get it back. It’s been one thing after another with this friggin car. When do you call it quits?
If it’s my only transportation, I call it quits when I no longer feel like I can count on the car to get me there. The car that I drove from 2000 to 2009 was starting to have more and more problems, and got to the point where I didn’t trust it anymore. Different story if it’s a hobby car.
In my youth I had plenty of time, no money and access to an auto hobby shop. In those days I did transmission rebuilds, cylinder honing, rings, big-end bearings, lifters,… but no more. Nowadays I have the opposite situation, and it’s just no longer fun. Even then, when I had a cracked radiator, I sent it out to a shop (did the R and R myself of course).
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Calling it quits on a vehicle is something that defies logic. Case in point” Over the past two years I’ve put $150 dollars worth of Fix-a-Flat into a freakin’ tire that would only cost $100 to replace!
And if anyone cares look on youtube for Andy McKee. Very unique guitar player. Something different anyway. I like it, me.
Also Loren D. Estleman is one of the best writers around.
Why am I on a talking jag tonite?
Gauley Bridge West Virginia. 27 in a 25!!!! It obviously is a little game they love to play with the touristas. $150.00 fine too!
The gall!ey