Toney and I recently found ourselves in an unusual situation. The younger youngling was attending a marathon birthday party somewhere, and the older hooligan went to see some horrible movie with a friend who looks like a character off Over the Edge.
So, we had two to three hours of free time on a Friday evening. It’s simply unheard of.
“Wanna go to the yuppie bar for a couple of pints?” one of us said after dinner, probably me.
“Sounds good,” came the answer. And so we went.
The place has all manner of outdoor seating. There are regular tables out front, a large tent in the yard with other tables inside, and various chairs, couches, and coffee tables here and there. Oh, it’s quite an elaborate scene.
And on this particular night it was packed with the usual lineup of power-brokers and assholes. I assessed the situation and didn’t see a place for us to sit. Every chair was filled with guys in golf shirts and shorts with a belt, or their wives/ample-breasted mistresses. Everybody seemed to be pontificating knowingly across wine glasses.
“Screw this, let’s go,” I said.
“Hey, you guys can sit here!” someone shouted from a distance. It was a young couple on a couch, eating a plate of nachos (or somesuch) from a coffee table. There were two empty chairs there — which meant we’d probably have to chitchat. I’m not really a fan of the frozen-smile stranger chitchat… but our options were severely limited.
And get this: it turns out they were really nice, and I found myself actually conversing with them, and laughing. It was a shocking turn of events. Toney could talk to a cigar store Indian, but I generally have to know someone for two to three decades before I completely open-up. Yet it was somehow different with these two outdoor nacho-eaters.
They told us they’d just bought an expensive designer puppy from a breeder in England (I’m telling you, the place is a pretentious-magnet), and we were talking about dogs and all the “fun” they bring to life. It was a good time, and the four of us seemed to be operating on the same wavelength.
I asked the waitress what beers they had on-tap, and it was the usual lineup. They have a good selection there, but it never changes. And that’s kinda disappointing. I went with a Magic Hat #9, and think Toney ordered a Sam Adams Summerfest.
I offered to buy our new friends a round, which is completely out of character, but they said they needed to get home before their pup stripped the upholstery off their couch, full-on. Shockingly enough, I hated to see them go.
The place was still slammed with people, and we moved from our chairs to the couch. To better observe and mock the snobs, you know. Then the roles were reversed, and we saw another couple walk in, and start looking for a place to sit. Just like we’d done, thirty minutes before.
“Hey, you guys can sit here!” I shouted from a distance, as my current role demanded. What was happening to me??
Yeah, but I overplayed my hand. The chemistry just wasn’t there with the second couple. They were perfectly nice, and everything, but there were big awkward gaps in the conversation.
They said they have a vacation home in the area, and I think I actually snorted. A vacation home — near Scranton?! I see much humor in that statement. I asked where they live, and — I’m not shitting you — they said Cape May, NJ! They live beside the ocean, but summer in Scranton. I fully expected Allen Funt to walk out from behind a partition.
They asked us about local places to eat, and Toney suggested an Italian deli for sandwiches. “Oh, is that the place beside the ice cream shop? They’re horrible,” he said.
Yeah, it just wasn’t the same vibe as the first couple… and I didn’t offer to buy these two a damn thing. And when the waiter said a table had opened-up for them, I was pretty glad.
But it was good time, overall. We had three pints each, and afterward Toney complimented me on my surprising humanness. That’s not the way she put it, but it’s certainly what she meant.
Pass the beer nuts.
Metten wrote this yesterday, and it’s apparently supposed to be funny. But I don’t see the humor. It all seems perfectly reasonable to me.
And speaking of mockable, we’d like to start running reader-generated articles on Fridays. So, if you have something you’re itching to mock, send it to mockable[at]gmail.com. If we think it’s funny, and don’t believe it will get us sued, we’ll probably feature it as a Friday guest post, along with a prominent link back to yer site, or whatever. So, get to writing.
Also, only about a million t-shirts remain(gulp), and you’d better hurry if you want one. Here’s the link. Don’t delay!
And Steve and I are going to see the New York Dolls tomorrow. Or, to be more precise, the current group of people calling themselves the New York Dolls. Make no mistake, I don’t consider this to be the real Dolls. But it’s David Johansen performing the old songs, with a band that’s supposedly hot as shit. And that’s perfectly acceptable, at this point.
Have you attended many reunion shows? I wanted to see the Police last summer, and also Van Halen. But it didn’t happen. I have seen Steely Dan three or four times though, and recommend it highly.
Plus, I’ve seen the Buzzcocks twice — as well as Television(!). There’s undoubtedly others I can’t remember right now, but those are the reunion shows that jump immediately to my mind.
What about you? Do you have any experience with reformed bands on their “4th Annual Farewell Tour,” or the “We’re All Outta Cash Tour ’06,” or whatever? Tell us about it, won’t you?
Also, who would you like to see reform? Put me down for the Replacements, thank you very much.
And I’ll do my best to update tomorrow. Steve and I are gonna make a day of it, and are planning to leave early, so it might be a challenge. But we’ll see how it goes.
Have a great day, my friends.
My very first concert was a Monkees Reunion tour
Sometime mid 80’s.
Jeff I loved that you found a cool couple in the Yuppie bar.
I am like Toney. I can talk to anyone at any age about anything. My husband is like you and calls me a Transformer.
ABOUT THOSE SHIRTS:
I like the blue better but I haven’t bought and I do not have a solid reason why. I liked the yearly obscurity of the shirts I think.
I also want a girl T.
Like you have not been getting that feedback.
Evil Twin, I do seem to remember some of that. I also remember Larry Heywood being there all the fucking time.
I came in second in an air guitar contest there once. Wrapped myself in aluminum foil from head to to and performed as the “Tin Man”. Saw a lot of people I knew from high school and they had no fucking idea who I was when I went up to them and called them by name. That place was really a good time once they went rock.
Mostly, regarding you, I remember you convincing me to give “In Through The Out Door” another chance when I tried to return it to Budget. …. “Man, you just can’t return something just because you don’t like it!”….That was you, right? It soon became my second favorite Led Zep album (besides the first one). Good call.
Tuesdays (I think) were my favorite Galaxy nights. Beer bust. It was some ridiculously low price like two or three dollars for all you could drink. I only lived a couple of blocks away so I stumbled home many, many nights from there.
Did you know- The tea bag was introduced in 1908 by Thomas Sullivan of New York. It was perfected by Ron Jeremy in 1991.
On IPOD right now- “Stupified”- Disturbed
Son Of Sam says
I think Jethro Tull invented the corn planter or some such. Not mythical at all.
Jethro Tull invented the seed drill Finally my 4 years at agricultural college comes into good use!!
Ok…again…who are these f’n bands? Never heard of half of them…I SOO live under a rock. Case and point….I would like to see Guns-n-Roses make a comeback. There, I said it. Saw Van Hagar back in the day. David Lee Roth is definately the “chosen one” for that band.
I am not a very trusting person at first. So I keep my pie hole shut until I see the true colors of someone. Been fucked over by “close” friends too many times. True friends can be counted on one hand; but have tons of aquaintances.
I’m kind of a chamelion… I can go anywhere. But prefer a shot and a beer place, biker bar, shit hole and what have you. People are more “real”, no bullshit attitudes.
Did you hear the stunt he pulled at Coachella last month? He could smell “barbecue meat” so he stormed off the stage in a fit of self-righteous vegan rage until the offending carnivores were force-fed soy burgers.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Is the word ‘Yuppie’ still used these days? Does it still mean anything? Kind of a Reagan-era throwback, it seems. Is there not an updated word to use instead of ‘Yuppie’? Does DINK work? How about David Brooks’ term Bobo (bourgeouis bohemian)?
@Tyrosine: “I can smell burning flesh and I hope to God it’s human.” WTF??!! So let me get this straight, he’d rather see a human baby on a spit than a shank o’ lamb? That guy is a walking Further Evidence link.
So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Throw a hotdog
At his face
I confess that for almost one whole decade I didn’t eat red meat. I eventually came back to the carnivore fold, but during my time sans cow flesh I certainly didn’t demand that anyone around me had to follow my diet. Not my husband, not my friends, not anyone within 50 feet of me. It’s people like him that give vegetarians a bad name. Wotta douche.
I drove my wife to Clearwater to see a Morrisey concert about a year and a half ago. I had to hang out with my 18 year old sister in law’s boyfriend, who I did not know, for the entire show in Clearwater while my wife and her sister went to the show. I became good friends with him while we hung out and made fun of our respective others for going to such an ostentatious dickhead’s show. Of course, my wife told her sister, during the show, that her boyfriend would never amount to anything and she should dump him, which she eventually did. I blame Morrisey for this.
If God didn’t want us to eat meat, why did he make it taste so good.
Did you know- Your mouth produces 1 litre of saliva per day?
On IPOD right now- “Welcome to the Boomtown”- David and David
Welcome to the Boomtown just played on my iPod, too! Weird, man.
Anyway, we’re leaving for the show in about 45 minutes, so there will be no update today.
However, I just posted this informational article at Mockable: http://mockable.org/how-to-safely-operate-a-cheeseburger/
See ya next time!
Enjoy the show!!
Did you know- Davi and David played on Sheryl Crow’s first album?
On IPOD right now- “Mirror in the Bathroom”- Specials
I have most of David Baerwald’s solo albums, as well. All are worth checking out. The early ones sound a lot like David and David.
It’s hotter than hell in this house…
Who my Daddy?
June 18, 2009
Well, another Father’s Day is coming up. Father’s Day is known in these parts as the most confusing day in Newtown. Newtown is a section of Snorasota that is %99.97 black. Not a racist statement, since they, too, find humor in that line. Anyway, it has sunk in after a few years that this applies to me, as well.
About three years ago, a guy in South Carolina wrote me, telling me the circumstances back in 1960 that led to me being born. Told me things that only my Mom would know and told me how he was barred, while serving in the Navy, from going back through Virginia to see my Mom in West Virginia, due to him running a State Trooper off the road, therefore, losing his right to drive in the State of Virginia. My Mom, in the throes of desperation, ended up marrying another guy and ignoring every letter this guy wrote to her to explain the situation. My Mom told this other sailor that he was the father of her child and I was born, believable to him, two months premature. In actuality, I was born two weeks late. So anyway, this guy has always believed he was my father, raised me, beat me up when it was needed and verbally abused me until I knocked him down the steps as a teenager and ran like hell out the door with nothing but the clothes on my back. Never looked or went back. But I get along with him nowadays. Oh yeah, and he looks like an American Indian, with no resemblance to me whatsoever.
After hearing from South Carolina guy, I decided to fly up and visit him. Oh, in his letter, he explained also how he was retired from Lucent Technologies (people who perfected the cell phone), lived in a ranch house on some property in which one of my three sisters I knew nothing about lived in another house on the same ranch property, and told me he had four hot rods and was an avid car collector. I, in devious mode, thought..at last, a relative with money!! After all, there was no doubt after seeing a picture of this dude with blue eyes and a Grizzly Adams beard, that he was my Dad, and looked exactly like a bloated older version of me. One of the three sisters looked exactly like me (minus the beard ) and this might be my ticket to getting out of debt. When I arrived in Greensboro, I had to rent a car to drive to Seneca. If you have ever been to the middle of nowhere, Seneca is about twenty miles past that.
I got to the “ranch” and it was a house of about 600 square feet. “Sis lived in a house on the same “ranch” of about 1000 square feet. The houses were about twenty feet from each other and the yard was about 100 feet both ways. There was not retirement from Lucent and the four “hot rods” were all up on blocks, with various metal, glass or rubber parts missing. However, they were good people and I swallowed my bitter, gutwrenching disappointment and spent a few days getting to know them all. So for father’s day, I was sending each a card. My mom denied the whole thing and told me I must never have contact with this man again. However, I knew better.
This February, a strange truck came to my driveway. I answered the door and an old guy, about six foot six and 300 pounds, exactly my height and weight, came to tell me that HE was my Dad. Showed me pictures of my Mom from 1959-1960 and the places they visited together in the Virginia Beach area. He too was a sailor based on the shore of Virginia, as were the other two guys. What the fuck, man?!! Was my Mom turning tricks for sailors in on leave? This guy drove a piece of shit truck from Georgia to see me and I felt like he at least deserved a meal or something. As I got to know him over dinner, I noticed that my son and he shared the same facial structure and mannerisms. He went back to Georgia and I speak with him and South Carolina guy every week now.
So this year, I sent three father’s day cards out. The most confusing day of my year.
All this time I thought former NBA star Jerry West was my Dad. Y’see, my Mom fucked him too. Now that would have paid off. Happy Father’s Day guys.
Did you know- The three monkeys have names, they are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru – (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil)?
On IPOD right now- “Californication”- Red Hot CPs
Would someone else ask AngryWhiteGuy, the dozen or so questions I have? I’m late for an appointment.
Man, your mom loved seamen.
The Qweezy Mark says
Now THAT’S one white guy with a reason to be Angry!!!
Sorry guys, that was just my update since Jeff was busy. For the record- where I said, “happy Father’s Day, guys”…. That was directed toward yiou Surf Reporters fathers, not those three dickheads who claim to be my father. Anyways, hope you have a good one.
Yes, CBS, my Mom also likes peel and eat shrimp, but I do not hold that against her. She’s a goddamn good mom.
I really like the alluring pose of the bunker cam woman. Too bad she’s either about 80 or dead now.
Shiny Rod says
@ AngryWhiteGuy – excellent piece, I look nothing like my father but I have adopted a lot of his mannerisms like his love for single malt scotch. He spent 3 Years in Germany which is probably why I can read and write German. He spoke a little German, but never around us kids. Probably because most were curse words. I would hear him evry now and then shout something foreign out while playing Pinochle. I repeated it one day to some kids I used to play with and one of them was ready to kick my ass. I apologized and he backed down telling me not to say that anymore. I remember the incident but I have forgot what I had said.
Because we were denied a Further Evidence Link today (and just because I feel like it) I bring you some WTF!-inducing furniture:
If the Wooly Chair is mistaken for Nancy underarm pelt, you can be forgiven.
AngryWhiteGuy….Amazing story… and whats even more remarkable is your attitude! That just goes to show ya….you can pick your friends, but not your relatives (?)
My father passed away very suddenly while I was a smart-mouthed, know-it-all teenager. I was always daddy’s little girl. Then the teen years descended and we did not see eye to eye. Or, truth be told, I didn’t agree with his old fashion rules. It wasn’t until I was an “adult” that I realized what a wonderful father he was.
Happy Father’s Day all you Daddy’s out there!
Father’s Day Schmather’s Day.
If you need a special day every year to prod you into appreciating your parents then they probably aren’t worth a shit to begin with. I hate Father’s Day.
I am just going to leave this here.
bennigan's nazi says
I need to poop.
AWG, if you really need to “know”, paternal DNA tests now cost less than $200 (won’t stand up in court due to chain of evidence but the science is the same)
Thanks, but I am waiting for it all to come out on Springer. I have been slinging chairs in my garage for practice.
Got free tickets to see Van Halen last year. Fuckin’ rocked. they played the best of the best, not just the hits but the good songs buried in the early catalog. And they played for over 2 hours! Pretty damn good for a buch of guys in their 50s. I couldn’t do it now in my 30s.
Iggy and The Stooges – every time they’ve played in Detroit since they reunited, which is three times.
First one was their initial reunion back in 2003 – supposed to be the day of the East Coast blackout, but that through a wrench in the works. I had to wait five whole days. Then they played Detroit about a week before Iggy’s 60th b-day, so I saw them a week before Knucklehead. And then they played a local amphitheatre four months later and I was there again.
I think that’s it for reunion tours for me. I wanted to see Roxy Music a few years back, but they were charging $75 for lawn seats (normally run you $25), so that didn’t happen.
Saw Air Supply last year, but I don’t think they ever really broke out, so I’m not sure that counts.