Even though he calls me a pussy roughly a dozen times in this column, seemingly at random, I’m glad to have Buck back on the virtual pages of the Surf Report. It’s been far too long. I hope everyone had a great holiday, and I know you’ll enjoy this update. See ya soon! -Jeff
There are times when something sounds good in theory because you know the reality of actually accomplishing the promised task is so far in the future, it will never actually get here. I mean, you know, it’s likely there will be an apocalyptic disaster that will melt the Earth to its core before the 4th of July. Therefore, I was more than happy to accommodate Jeff’s request that I pen a column while he’s on hiatus trying to be the next John Grisham or whatever.
Naturally this piece is now being written in great haste on the night of Memorial Day Monday. Therefore, don’t expect too much. While I’m writing in haste and throwing words on a word processor anything is likely to be written here. Jeff Kay is homosexual. However, that’s not to say I haven’t given at least a few thoughts to what I plan to write.
I decided I would go with the area of human defecation. Naturally this audience isn’t quite in touch with the subject, since Jeff is a pussy and wouldn’t dare write about such things in any great detail. This is a man who’s never taken a public dump. I’m not sure I know anybody with that kind of streak. I am probably the anti-Jeff. I’ll drop a load wherever it suits me. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be modern plumbing if I have to go. Those of you longtime readers know I’m an “educated hillbilly” however, just because I’m EDUCATED doesn’t mean the HILLBILLY has left me. Jeff Kay is a pussy. I’ve taken shits in bathrooms with marble floors and polished stainless steel crap catchers and I’ve squatted on the ground in the middle of a million acre forest. The surroundings don’t really make that much difference to me, there’s a job to be done and that’s all that matters.
Therefore when I saw this lead sentence in a recent news article, “About 1 out of 8 public pool inspections conducted in 13 states in 2008 resulted in pools being closed immediately due to serious code violations,” I knew I had a topic screaming for commentary on the WVSR.
According to this data from the CDC, child care facility pools were the worst. Those are followed closely by hotel/motel pools, apartment/condo pools, kiddie/wading pools, and interactive fountains. The CDC says they have the highest percentage of “disinfectant violations.” Everybody is reading this story as if they are in some kind of shock. The last time I went to a public pool, it was being run by teenagers. Teenagers are the filthiest people on the planet. Ever see one of their rooms? Think there’s maturity in age? I think not—ever been in a dorm room? I rest my case.
When I was in high school, our hometown pool was managed by an adult woman, who had a staff whose average age was 17. I knew most of the pool employees. There was NO concept of a “job well done.” Yet they were in charge of checking the levels of the pool condition and adjusting the concentration of chemicals accordingly. These are guys who were cheating to get through 11th grade chemistry—yet in the summer they were put in charge of the health and well being of every swimmer in town by reading instructions printed in Taiwan.
We would always have an occasional turd floating in the kiddie pool. This was not a cause for alarm, it was cause for high humor and insanity. None of the pool employees wanted to be the one to fish the offending “log” from the water. However, when somebody finally got the task done, it was generally FLUNG OVER THE FENCE INTO THE WOODS and everybody was back in the water just lovin’ em’ some summertime!!!! Amazing.
What caught my eye most were the hilarious suggestions of the CDC for proper pool hygiene. Amazing we actually need to have a set of federal guidelines for this stuff, but here they are—unedited.
· Don’t swim when you have diarrhea.
· Don’t swallow pool water.
· Practice good hygiene. Shower with soap before swimming and wash your hands after using the toilet or changing diapers. Germs on your body end up in the water.
· Take your kids on bathroom breaks or check diapers often.
· Change diapers in a bathroom or a diaper changing area and not at poolside.
· Wash your children thoroughly (especially the rear end) with soap and water before they go swimming.
Do I even need to comment on the hysterics of those six guidelines? No, but I shall anyway.
· Don’t swim when you have diarrhea. Uh, I think a better suggestion is don’t FART underwater when you have diarrhea, else it will look like somebody pissed off a squid.
· Don’t swallow pool water. Uh, surely you’ve heard this conversation. “Mommy, I’m thirsty, can I buy a Coke from the concession stand? “ “No junior, I’m out of quarters—just go get yourself a long tall swig from the shallow end.”
· Practice good hygiene. Uh, that’s advice that would work in a crowded mall, movie theater, classroom, workplace, etc. Germs on your body end up in the water. Uh, pardon the pun here, “NO SHIT DICK TRACY!”
· Take your kids on bathroom breaks and check diapers often. Uh, this means somebody has allowed their screaming urchins to run amok throwing stool at one another as if it’s the baboon cage at the zoo.
· Change diapers in a bathroom/diaper changing area and not poolside. Uh, would you change a tire in a church pew? Would you change a furnace filter in the middle of a Wal-Mart? Would you change your underwear at Macy’s? Don’t answer that last one.
· Finally, what’s the point of washing your kids if you’re going to skip the rear end? I mean let’s face it. The Kool-Aid moustache isn’t what’s putting things in the water that none of us can spell.
I find the entire matter to be insane and at the same time hysterical. Insane because it’s sort of an unspoken thing. Everybody knows the place is a stew of human cess juice, but we keep coming back for more. Hysterical because everybody always sits on a high horse and makes fun of me because when I was a kid we used to swim in the river and in a pond. Who’s laughing now…..BITCHES!
Buck Out
Buck,
It’s great to see you back in the saddle again. Thanks for filling in and putting up with this band of Gypsies.
jtb
Segundo
Hey good to hear from Buck!
4TH! I like reading about shit.
About 2.5 hours north from my hometown is a little place called Walkerton. It’s a sleepy farming community with a population of about 5000. The name might ring a bell because back in 2000 Walkerton was the centre of one of the largest E. coli O157:H7 outbreaks in history. E. coli O157:H7 is the strain of bacteria that causes “hamburger disease”, which you may have heard about from 1000’s of public health warnings imploring you to cook your hamburger thoroughly. The outbreak of O157:H7 in Walkerton wasn’t caused by hamburger, it was caused by stupidity.
Like a lot of small towns nepotism plays a big role in hiring municipal employees: they try to look after their own and qualifications, even important ones, are sometimes overlooked. In this case they hired the Koebel brothers to oversee the municipal water supply, specifically to ensure the water treatment equipment was working. Neither brother was a microbiologist, or had in fact even attended college. Neither understood the reasons for the decontamination procedures they were instructed to follow, and over time both became complacent and began to ignore the policies and procedures they were to follow.
At the time Walkerton’s water was supplied by wells. Each well had a chlorinator decontamination system that was supposed to be monitored. One set of wells was located adjacent to a pasture where cattle grazed. That year there were heavy spring rains, and water contaminated with cattle feces washed into the well. Things would have been fine if the Koebels had done their jobs and maintained the water purification equipment, or at least shut down the wells if the water was not being properly treated. Instead people started getting sick. Very sick. For six days following the first people falling ill the Koebels maintained the wells were safe despite knowing that the decontamination system was not working and despite being in possession of lab tests confirming contamination. Finally the local medical officer issued a boil water order against the strenuous objections of town council and the Koebels.
A few days later the truth came out, but not before 2,500 people became ill and about 10 deaths. The survivors now carry the O157:H7 strain in their intestines (part of what is called the “natural flora”) and for the rest of their lives they will be at risk of complications should their immune system become compromised. Many will suffer kidney problems the rest of their lives and as a group their average predicted lifespan will be significantly lower than the population at large.
Water borne illnesses are 100% preventable and in a first world nation there is absolutely no excuse for the spread of such diseases. Those who choose to ignore the CDC guidelines that Buck mentioned are as reckless and negligent as impaired drivers and should be treated as such, both in terms of social stigma and legal ramifications.
Tyrosine: That was probably a lot funnier in your head.
I, too, grew up swimming in rivers. In fact, since I actually grew up on an island on the upper Mississippi river, I swam in rivers a lot. The town had a pool for the fish averse, but in the river at least the floaters made it downstream and out of sight eventually. Of course, the shady spots tended to have leeches, removal of which involved either trying to get them to let go with a lit smoke, or just a good pluck resulting in much bleeding from the affected area. We also had the occasional fishhook or broken bottle injury. But such was life. I think we were just tougher then than the present generation could ever imagine. Maybe we just didn’t know any better. Later in life, before I became a disgruntled postal worker, I had a career in underground construction. Underground construction includes, yep, sewer lines. So I often found myself 20 feet below the surface of a street, in a concrete hole, watching things you don’t even want to imagine bob on by. In the entire time I did that, I never met (or even heard about) anyone in that field getting sick. In fact it seems to have enabled me to grow the immune system from hell. Tyrosine’s Walkerton e. coli likely would have run sreaming from my immune system. I could drink the water in Mexico without effect. Cleanliness is overrated, in my opinion. My wife the nurse would disagree. But then, she got sick from one little popsicle thing in Tecate.
Nearby a smallish lake called beaver fork was closed for the weekend
due to e.coli levels exceeding the normal levels.
Thanks Buck.
I take small doses of E. Coli so as to build a resistance. I’ll soon be able to consume feces without worry. Praise the Lord.
Good Morning Surf Reporters….
wow Buck… just wow…
welcome back…if in fact you ever left
.
Never, ever eat a beaver with a fork.
Confucius
I once saw a show where they took swabs of publicly used items to detect fecal matter. Bowling ball finger holes were the worst offenders. If I ever bowl again, I’ll buy my own ball!
Who the hell shits in a bowling ball finger hole?
God I hope someone can find a way to use this post to make fun of Jehovah’s Witness
I think we need to start a petition for Buck to guest at least once a month after the “book” is finished.
Did not need to know this as summer has finally arrived here and I have a season pass to a water park. Ewwwww!
Oh, btw #16.
I just met Surf Reporter Kristin, who took “Buy Jeff a Beer” to the next level, and hand-delivered a case of excellent brews, including twelve bottles of Full Sail! Hell yeah. I will use them as incentive to finish my “book.” No Full Sail until the second draft is finished. Carry on…
What kills me is the folk that think they are all high falootin’ when the go into the “spa” at a hotel. Talk about a simmering pool of unpronouncable germs! You might as well jump into the Cuyahoga river.
Buck…2 thumbs up on this guest post.
I love a good shit story!!!
Thanks!
I was never a fan of pubic pools for that very reason. It always grossed me out to see someone’s used bandaid floating around the edge of the pool. Ugh…That means someone in the pool has something festering, oozing or bleeding. Blecch!
I wouldn’t swim in either of the three rivers either. There has always been a long standing joke about all the “Allegheny White Fish” (used rubbers) floating around…. heh
Ok Kristin what is your side of this beer story?
Just a damn minute what if “Kristin” is Duff?
I know you are in Scranton, but how would Kristin find you? Perhaps she went on a Yurt mission; locating all yurts in the foliage of Pennsylvania. Middle-aged white male, alone, furiously typing, running fingers through hair in an agitated manner…..
Geez, Jeff, you’re fitting the profile of a serial killer out there in dem woods!
Buck, LOVE the post! Now fess up. Those logs were from you, weren’t they?
I mentioned in a recent update how I hadn’t had a Full Sail Ale in fifteen years or so. Kristin sent me a message through Facebook, and offered to bring me some. It’s sold in Minnesota, where she lives. She said she’d be passing through Scranton on 6/1 and we agreed on a meeting place, off I-81. It was a quick hand-off, but she seemed very pleasant and friendly.
Nothing serial killer about any of it. Hell, I’m not even working in the yurt this week. I’m at the library. Of course, that doesn’t really help my case….
My boy loves waterparks. I went in the wave pool part of Ocean City’s Jolly Rogers, and it definitely should’ve been shut down, chained, drained, and blasted. Band-aids, suntan lotions, seagull feathers & shit, etc., made the water murky, to say the least. I started panicking and had to drag him outta there.
Nice post, tho, Buck, despite bringing back gut-churning memories.urp
I recall swimming in crick and watching dead dogs and other things go floating by.
Regarding unsolicited door knockers:
If it’s service or sales >$5, does ANYONE actually buy from these people? I’m nowhere near as bad as Jeff with regards to contemplating and researching big purchases but I would never buy something all willy-nilly from someone standing at my door…unless it leads to a Penthouse Forum letter.
If it’s religion based and those followers really want to help others for the greater good…I humbly suggest volunteering time at a local children’s hospital instead of interupting people’s private time in their homes.
On to this day’s topic:
Welcome to our “OOL”. Notice there’s no “P” in it. Please keep it that way.
In honour of Tyrosine’s post, now plaing: 0157:H7 by I Mother Earth
This post just reminded me so much of Caddyshack…Bill Murray pick up the ‘log’ and takes a big bite. “DOODIE!!!!!!!”
I’ve never really worried much about pools, because there are chemicals that kill bacteria and what not. I’ve never seen or swam in a turd pool, but I’ve seen a lot of band-aids.
It’s rivers and ponds I hate. Any body of water where I can’t see the bottom is a no no. All those slimy fish and bugs and plants touching you while your swimming…It’s the weirdest feeling ever when your in a lake or river and you feel a fish nibble your toes…(shutter).
Just for the record, I have never peed in any pools, but I’ve definately peed in a lot of public places. I have no problem peeing outside. You can’t drink beer while camping/picnicking/roadloading and not pee outside. Peeing outside is a part of life.
PS: Roadloading is Chicago’s way of saying “I drive around on country roads and drink beer for hours when given the opportunity”.
I’ve also heard ‘Having road sodas’ and ‘boose cruise’.
Anyway, I got off topic, carry on.
-B
We do have a lake here called ‘the Kankakee River’ people can swim in it, but it’s not advised. About a year ago they found a legless hobo floating in it. He was murdered.
I’m an idiot…a RIVER, not a lake…
I call swimming pool water Butt Juice. The kids don’t beg to go swimming near as much when you refer to it as such.
Kids: Momma, can we go swimming?
Me: Why? Ya’ll really wanna go float around in someone elses Butt Juice?
Kids: Nevermind
Works everytime. Now they’d rather go to the lake where its fish pee and pollution.
Welcome back, Buck! Excellent Poop-related post! Having 5 older brothers, I’m conditioned to appreciate a good crap story.
The house I grew up in had an in ground pool that my Dad kept so clean you could perform surgery on the deck. It was my job to clean the filter and there was always sort of nastiness in there. I can only imagine what one would find in a public pool!! *full body shiver*
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…
I’d forgotton how much I enjoy a well-crafted turd tale.
Buck, you’re No. 1! Er, better make that No. 2.
I’d also forgotton how to spell ‘forgotten.’
No makes a turd even funnier than Buck. Oh crap! I think the Imodium AD is wearing off.
I use Immodium AD whenever I go on trips, I’m pretty sure I have IBS. IBS and I have become good enemies over the years.
Brittney, got any pictures?
All the men in my family refuse to even use the bath tub, much less get in a pool. It turns out that there is no good reason to stew in your own filth, like some kind of disgusting soup, when you can shower and wash it all down the drain… And now I cant take baths much either.
Pictures of my IBS?
I’m going to take some Alli, then Ryan’s Steakhouse for some Macaroni and Beef, then for shits (really) and giggles I’m going to eat a KFC Double Down. Right after that I am going to cannonball into the local public pool.
I bet I rocket out of that thing like an upside down bottle of Mento-Coke.
@Son of Sam – it’s not shitting in the bowling ball, it’s fecal matter from people who do not wash their hands after taking a dump and then getting the “caramel finger” from a toilet paper breech or something, then using the ball. Ack!
Son Of Sam,
I’m assuming you haven’t been in a bowling league and let your team down in the tenth frame. I’ll stipulate that I have only punished my ball with urine in the parking lot, but another half dozen drinks could have brought on a more lethal attack. This was thirty-five years ago at Pacific Lanes in Tacoma, where Earl Anthony got his start.
Earl always carried two bowling balls — one soft for hooking and one hard for spares. His wife, Susie would frequently kiss his balls before a match for luck. I imagine Evil Wife would object to that on grounds of cleanliness; Earl and Susie didn’t seem to mind, though.
jtb
Oh, you were talking about the bowling balls. Nevermind….
I think the stereotype that has been earned by WV in selective national spotlight moments, is more of a boon to us that we know.
Funny uh…shit there Buck!