Actually, I’ve seen him a lot angrier, but he still seems pretty aggravated and wound-up. It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Chris, but he brings us up to date in this column. Enjoy! -Jeff
Hey, invisible friends. Long time no read.
An explanation. The corporate pinheads where I work took internet away from us completely, except for work related sites. Can’t get anywhere, even with bypass programs, so logging on at work is out of the question. Home computer is gone too, after a tree yanked a power line out of my house, creating a surge. Even though it was on a surge protector, I lost my home computer, printer, home phones, Wii game system, a DVD player, a VHS player, a stereo, a clock radio, three lamps and my oven.
The Electric company is going to reimburse me at depreciated value for everything, but I am still waiting on a check. It all stems from a tree I complained about five years ago and each year thereafter just before hurricane season. They are supposed to cut back trees going through power lines, but always gave me the standard “We will wait until others in your neighborhood call about their trees and we will get them all at once” answer.
In February, I called them and told them a spark was coming out of the line and they immediately sent someone out, followed by a big note on my door saying “We do not see an immediate problem, therefore, we will not be cutting the tree.” I am glad I kept the note. One month later, we were without electricity.
OK, on that note:
Silly Bandz
OK, I’m not talking about Fountains of Wayne here, but those stupid rubber bands that you can buy in packs of 25 for your child and they are shaped like animals, vehicles, numbers, letters and they always form back to those shapes after stretching them out. $4.99 for a pack of 25. I am so pissed I did not think of this. They probably cost about 1/10 of one cent to make. 200 percent profit. That guy’s day at work now is walking out to the mailbox and saying “Hello check!”
I had a great invention once. A dogwash, with a plexiglass rectangle that you could hook up to the garden hose. Has a soap dispenser attached and rubber glove that reached inside the box to scrub Fluffy. Fluffy also had a collar to put his head in so that it was outside the box and he didn’t drown. I submitted it to the invention place, with architect like drawings and they sent me a letter saying it was great and I needed investors to send them money to get the ball rolling. I gave up. A year later, I saw my dogwash on a late night infomercial. Another kick in the balls by “life.”
Job Woes
At last update, I was trying to get a job as a corrections officer at the Sheriff’s Department. This falls in the “life” kicking me in the balls again category.
I was running a course in 4 minutes and 20 seconds that I needed to complete in 6 minutes or less to qualify for training. Before the actual physical test, I was required to get a full physical from a doctor, as to state that I was healthy enough to do this. Despite my massive weight loss and my physical strength, Doctor Dickhead decided my cholesterol was still too high, my triglycerides were bad, my blood sugar was high and my thyroid was that of a dead person, meaning I should have no energy whatsoever.
Anyone who knows me knows differently. He would not sign off on my release and I had to take medication for three months. Now, I don’t have the money for another physical, so everything is on hold again. I am still at a job that is sucking the life out of me. I firmly believe my 13 year old son could do this job, and my brain is rotting.
Guilty Pleasures
Does anyone besides me watch Celebrity Apprentice? I know it’s reality TV, which I generally hate, but somehow I get sucked into this show every year.
Who won? Why Bret Michaels, of course. And only because he had a brain hemorrhage. This guy couldn’t manage a McDonald’s, much less a business, but Trump seems to have a soft spot for him.
The awesomely hot Holly Robinson Peete raised a ton of money for autism through this show and fully deserved to win. But bald (it’s a wig, folks) Bret somehow pulled it off.
I have enough pissing me off in real life. I don’t need TV pissing me off too. Therefore, I am boycotting television and spending my spare time training for the local “beat up your neighbor” competition at a local arena. $10,000 to the winner.
One day I will be back to let you know I won. Maybe if I have a brain hemorrhage, they will just give me the money.
Four Days Off
A couple of months ago, I had four days off from all jobs. So I maxed out my credit car on a four day Disney trip. Epcot, Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios and Animal Kingdom. In that order.
The last time I went to Epcot, I never got to do “Test Track”, where you are put in a car and slung around various obstacles similar to how they test cars before they hit the highway.
My 6 year old daughter began crying almost immediately, although I told her to just pretend she was in an everyday ride with Mommy in the car and it would be no different. It was somewhat awesome, as was the Mission Space and Soarin’, where you are in a hang glider that does not really leave the ground, but a projection screen and the tilt of the seat you are in makes you feel like you are actually up there. Over footage of a pine forest, a pine smell is piped in, as is the smell of salt water when “hang gliding” over the ocean.
I can do without the foreign lands section of Epcot, as there is nothing cool there but the Norwegian boat ride. A 9.5 for Epcot.
Magic Kingdom was OK, as usual, but I still didn’t get to Space Mountain. Won’t wait that long, as my wife and son did. 8.0 for Magic Kingdom.
Hollywood Studios was good, as they had a new Toy Story ride, but the highlight for me was, because ESPN the Weekend was taping there, that I got to tell Chad Ochocinco that he was a dick for jumping line for a drink the concession area. He had the balls to say “You know who I am, right?” so after calling him a dick once, I got to say, “Yeah, you’re the dick who jumped in front of 11 people here.” Got a smattering of applause from my line-mates.
Animal Kingdom sucked ass. If it wasn’t for all those fucking animals, it would be cool. It was a glorified Busch Gardens, and I could not wait to get out of there fast enough and go home.
So, how’s everyone been? Don’t even have time to read the site any more without access. Sorry if this was a little lame, but I am a little out of my element right now. Hope to rejoin you soon.
I HAVE MISSED YOU!!!!!!!
Second post—lying bastards…said there were no posts.
Anyway, Chris good to hear from you. You should have dared 85 to punch you…taunt him until he lost it. Instant 10-grand at least.
Buck OUt
And while this may seem like an unusual suggestion, perhaps getting eyeliner permanently tattooed around your eyes will help turn your luck around?
I mean, look what it’s done for Bret…
HAHAHAHA! 1st, 2nd AND 3rd!!!
(sorry…I couldn’t help myself)
Top 5!
AWG,,
You must return at your earliest convenience. We need more passion and more raw anger here. Nice reference to the way the child bride drives.
Thanks for the guest post.
jtb
Hey Chris, contact the company that made your surge protector. They are usually guaranteed for a certain amount of money if something gets destroyed. I don’t know what’s involved in getting them to pay up but it’s worth a shot.
Great post, AWG. I was getting pissed just reading about the tree incident.
And why is Brett Michaels such a big deal? I saw a picture of him in his hospital bed, and he was wearing that stupid bandanna. I think his wig is stitched to it. All I’ve seen him do, prior to this year, is that VH-1 show with the drunk skanks half his age.
They are the electric company, they have the power. (HA…uhh)
Epcot is the best Disney park. There is no better place to get trashed than in Epcots world showcase. I do the “World Beer Tour” every time i go. Disney has a sanctioned wine and cheese tasting tour they take you on, but I prefer the underground beer tour. The deal is that you start in either Mexico or Canada (one end or the other) and drink at least one beer from each country down the line to the other side of World Showcase; then back again.
I almost got sick on the monorail last time I went.
AWG –
I have a PC for you if you want it. E-mail me & I’ll send you the specs, and you can see if it’ll suit your needs.
jeffindenver2 @ yahoo . com
When Bret Michaels went down for the count I made a crack about his bandanna being too tight. That didn’t go over very well. Sometimes I forget that only on here can I make such tastelss jokes and be appreciated. Still, I’d rather watch his Bret Michaels: Searching for Skanks (or whatever the fuck it’s called) show than go to Disney. I went there at age 12 and was massively disappointed. Maybe if I had been 6 it would have been different, but even at that age I was probably too thoroughly enthralled with Star Wars to appreciate the experience.
AWG– good to hear from you…I’ve missed seeing the fury in the comments. We did the studios last time we were down and it was pretty ok for a bajillion dollars or whatever it cost us to go. Too much time waiting in lines, but what can you do. I’d have taunted the shit out of ochocinco and tried to get him to buy everybody drinks and pretzels, but that’s just me. I mean I’m sure he saved thirty grand or so by not having to pay to get in.
Ok, I’ll probably be crucified, but can I just say that I think the whole Bret Michaels ‘I-had-a-brain-hemmorhage-then-a-mini-stroke’ thing was all fake? The guy had appendicitis two months ago, which I believe. He got some press of that whole deal then when the press started backing up…BAM, he has this hemmorhage.
Now, I won’t be a complete dick and say that the hemmorhage itself was fake. I think something did happen. But once the picture of him in a hospital bed, chest waxed, fake hair planted in the bandana was put on E! News I thought it was being over-exaggerated & trumped (heh) up to garner more publicity for him.
Then the whole thing of performing on American Idol (supposedly against his doctor’s orders) & planning a tour next week (also supposedly against doctor’s orders) just reeked of more press. I have never liked this guy and after this fiasco I find him even more deplorable. The whole thing just looks completely staged & I wouldn’t be surprised at all if it came out to have been a migraine or something, touted as a hemmorhage.
I haven’t been to Disney World since I was in the 8th grade. I remember some of it, but none of it made a lasting impression. What did make a lasting impression was the absolutely God-Awful weather Florida provided for the trip. At 6 AM I remember walking outside and feeling a punch in the gut of absolute heat. It was like 10,000% humidity and about 110 degrees outside everyday. I hated it with a passion and couldn’t wait to get indoors or leave all together. I have never been back and once anyone mentions Florida my toes curl & I feel sweat forming on my brow. That is one state I do not miss and have no desire to return to.
Lucky for me I have never heard of the Ochocinco person. (Isn’t that Spanish numbers?!) The name made me laugh. What country or culture is that from? Columbian? Peruvian? I dunno…..
I am SOOO glad you’ve returned, Chris! Loved the post and we miss you. Damn the electrical man! You’ll be back soon enough!
Melissa: He’s the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver and all-around clown. His last name used to be Johnson but he legally changed it to the Spanish “8” and “5” to [more obnoxiously] express the numbers on his jersey. The correct Spanish would have been onchenta y cinco. But I guess that would have been too long to fit on his jersey. He can be a pain in the ass sometimes but he’s nowhere near the team-killing status of a Terrel Owens. If Chad went to play for the Eagles or Steelers, I’d be on board with that.
I wondered where AWG was. I just sort of assumed he had finally snapped and was either in jail or institutionalized.
After reading this, I realized how good my life is. Thanks, AWG!
Good to hear from Angry! But sorry to hear about the surge damages.
I agree about Brett Michaels. If it had been real life instead of TV fantasy land, picking him over Holly would have been a dumb business decision. I thought he was a big showboater about his illness, so he didn’t get much sympathy from me.
OK Surf Reporters……………. we buy Jeff a beer, we buy tee shirts. Lets help Angry get a physical dammit!!!
Ideas??
Also in all fainess Bret Michaels has had diabetes since he was a child. That is really hard on the body. He has also lived a life that is pretty reckless or so it would appear so it stands to reason that he is ill. I would agree he is a doucheketeer but he probably isn’t making up an illness for attention.
the name of the show is Rock of Love and while I have not watched it i have to say that in the late 80’s he was really freakin HOT!!! Now he looks like he is well on his way to looking like last years Apprentice winner. Perhaps The Donald is just really fond of people who look like plastic??
“OK Surf Reporters……………. we buy Jeff a beer, we buy tee shirts. Lets help Angry get a physical dammit!!!
Ideas??”
Sure, have him setup a Paypal account and let the dollars roll in. I’m in for $5, hell anyone who WANTS to get into a jail needs a bit of support.
I forgot how much I missed AWG’s posts each day. We should all chip in and buy him an iPad with 3G Internet access.
Thanks ebbybuddy, for the well wishes. I am illegally logging in at work right now, so if I get fired, I should have something really angry next month.
Jeff, thanks for the offer, but supposedly, I have a laptop coming from real Dad in SC that has XP on it (the one of two programs Verizon can hook to) and it may be OK. Still want to go hunting with you and Woody Paige someday.
Tammie, I got enough dark circles around my eyes to pass for tattoos. Still not workin’ out for me.
Love ya guys, catch ya later.
I had no idea who this Ochocinco dude was so I wiki’d him…he had his last name legally changed to match the number on his football jersey? What a grand doucheketeer! I hope he gets traded to a team where he can’t use the number and the gub’ment won’t let him change his name again. AWG, it’s great that you got to call him out.
We had an electrical surge that killed a load of home electronics…we were reimbursed with full replacement value. Don’t settle for that depreciated crap, especially since in your case the electric company was negligent. Remember, you live in the U S of A, where frivilous lawsuits are a way of life.
AWG: So good to hear from you again!! I miss you too!!
Gotta agree with Gretchen on the whole Disney thing. I was there right before the Hollywood Studio’s opened, so it’s been a while….BUT…wouldn’t go again on a bet! It was a glorified Kennywood with 10x the screaming kids/babies, strollers, and hotter than fuck. Could someone tell me why anyone would take an infant to one of these places when they will have no recollection whatsoever of the entire trip. Seems more like work to me. But then again I don’t have kids so I should prolly keep my big dick-licker shut.
Anyway…thanks for the update, AWG!!
AWG – get your home insurance involved. You may get some buckers back that way, too. Let them duke it out with the power company.
I;ve nevr been to Disney and have no desire to go. I know people who make pilgrimages there sometimes twice, three, four times a YEAR. WTF kind of salaries do these people have?
Having both Bret Michaels and Ochocinco in the same post is really pushing the douche limits of this here not blog
Also, WTF kind of job doesn’t allow internet access? That’s the king of high douchery.
Nice work, AWG. How much does a physical go for nowadays?
Nice to hear from you, AWG, and loved the Ochocinco story. Didn’t he just do Dancing with the Stars, too?
We took our boy to Disneyworld in ’06 but I was working a trade show most days and missed out on a lot of the fun. We went in mid Jan and we would go again if the $$ allowed it, but only during off season. My son has been seduced by the Disney Cruise show on the travel channel. That has an underlying nightmare element to me, like it could be the setting of a Stephen King novel.
Good to see ya here again, AWG! I haven’t been able to stop in as much as before either, because work has been hectic. At least we still have access here…
Sweating in my attic room in the burgh with no a/c,
Rat Bastard
Bunker Cam: New Disney character’s??
…..charactor’s….
AWG! Gotta disagree on Disney. Love to go in March, Sept of the week before Christmas. Kids are still in school and little to no lines. @nd favorite vacation behind Carnival Cruises! Love Animal Kingdom, give it a 10, they have beer carts!! Regular domestic beer, but no less beer!!
Brett Michaels, dumb ass!!
With the proof you have from the electric company I would hire an attorney. You may come out with one new badass computer! Might have to changes your home to candle ligh, but what the hell!
Welcome back AWG.
““You know who I am, right?”” I hate those self centered jack asses. I tell ’em, “I don’t care if you are the Queen of England, I’d tell her to get to the back of the line and wait her fucking turn as well”. Of course, if it actually was the queen of england I’d probably get rugby tackled to the ground by security goons…
Celebrity Apprentice… I tune in just to see what happens. And I always get pissed off with them. Whats her face, the old bat and her daughter last year “Wah Wah stop picking on my daughter…” While in the same breath she’s throwing the verbal daggers even deeper to anybody for any reason, but thats okay. Hypocrite.
Unfortunately I’ve never been to Disney, and despite all the bad things I’ve heard, I still want to go there. I want to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and wear a cape and wave a fake sword around and cast spells on people. Is that so wrong?
Sorry to hear about your surge problem…my boyfriend and I just had our Comcast knocked out for a week because apparently it couldn’t handle a 2 second power flicker, and we have a surge protector too. I’m pretty sure I voiced/typed my Comcast rant on here not too long ago…seriously Comast can get fucked in the pooper. I bitched and moaned at them for a week to reimburse me for the week we didn’t have and they overjoyfully credited my account $9 bucks. Excuse me, but $9 does not cover the emotional damages my boyfriend and I encountered. I missed the Biggest Loser finale goddammit!!!! I’d waited for like 3 fuckin’ months for that goddamned finale and Comcast ruined that for me!!!
I also used to watch “Rock of Love” with Bret Michaels, a show full of classy women with good jobs and big hair. Wait–everything I just said is a lie except for the big hair part. It was more like a bunch of strippers with fake tits, fake personalities and so much eyeshadow I’m surprised they didn’t get like–fuckin’ eyeshadow poisening or something. He just ate it all up…I’m pretty confident he had a raging woody through the entire season(s). They should have just called it “Rockin’ a Boner” with Bret Michaels, at least it wouldn’t have lied by saying he was looking for a wife or whatever.
NEW T-SHIRTS ARE HERE! NEW T-SHIRTS ARE HERE! And I just ordered mine. So there. Ha ha.
Ok…the bunker cam pic…all I can ask is why?
ain’t looking for nothin’!
But an IV!
Before my head spliiiits!
Anyway Rue Mclanagirl died. She was the youngest of all of them and the only who didn’t make it to 80. Also Betty white is the only one left and was the oldest, current;y 88. One has died per year since 2008.
Off topic as always but appropriate to the blog:
http://encyclopediaofstupid.com/stupid/index.php/Subway
And finally for this post.
If you say I’m not racist, I hate everybody. You’re an asshole.
The same kind of asshole who says I don’t care if you are black, white, green, purple, etc.
If I saw someone who was green or purple I’d be completely freaked out. Unless it was the chick with the port wine stain I banged in the shower while her husband banged my ex girlfriend.
Also,
As a bengal fan I enjoy the 85 antics, but it gets really old when he keeps it up and isn’t playing well. The thing in line is bullshit though. Another blog I read had an encounter with Chris Henry (#15, #15 + #85 = 100%) in cincy where he cut in line at a taco truck at last call on a friday or saturday, high as a kite about a month before he died.
Chris Henry = former wide receiver for the cincy bengals who spent more time suspended from the team than on it.
AWG – Great to hear from you! We went to Disney last May and had a great time! Animal Kingdom was also my least fave park.
AWG, Nice to hear from you!
Yes, the 85 was a horse penis, and kudos to you for calling him out. Twice. He’s extra-dick for jumping the line as a celebrity, because he knows that makes it that much less likely that anyone will say anything. BTW, I had never heard of him or Bret Michaels before today.
I’ve never visited any Disney property, nor wanted to. I despise Florida; went there last year because I was PAID TO GO. I did like Legoland, though. And Vegas is always fun because it’s one big theme park.
Can’t BP just shove a giant tampon into this thing? Tampax stock would skyrocket!
Brittney, your Comcast rant has inspired me to vent my own frustration over the arrogant ineptitude of The Big C. I recently moved about 20 miles, from suburban Philadelphia to downtown Philadelphia. And by the way, my new house is literally in the shadow of the Comcast Center, the highest skyscraper in all of Philadelphia. So you would expect the local Comcast employees to treat the local customers with the absolute best possible service. But no. They don’t. Here is what I experienced from Comcast in my 20-mile move:
1. I tried to schedule the transfer of my Comcast service online, but it got fucked up, and the online system thought I was simply adding phone service to my current account.
2. So I instituted an “online chat” with a Comcast representative to try to explain to them that, no, I didn’t just want to add phone service to my account, I actually wanted to arrange to transfer my service from my old house in the ‘burbs to my new house in the city.
3. Supposedly this was arranged, and I have a transcript of my “online chat” stating that the installer (in my mind, a chubby guy with a red beard) would be at my new house between 9 a.m. and 12 noon.
4. A day before the installation in my new house, I received a robot call from Comcast asking me to confirm that I would be available between 12 noon and 4 p.m. for my installation.
5. So I immediately called 1-800-Comcast, not to say I wouldn’t be available between 12 and 4, but simply to ask for confirmation that that was the correct time, because my “online chat” transcript said they would be there between 9 and 12. The rep on the phone apologized, and I said that’s OK, I would be available between 12 and 4.
6. That same day, I received a letter at my old house from Comcast, stating that they were sorry to lose me as a customer, and offering me a special deal for me to keep my service with Comcast. This set off red flags in my mind, wondering if they understood that they weren’t losing me as a customer, I was simply moving 20 miles.
7. The morning that I was to have the service installed at the new place, I received another robot call asking me to confirm (by pressing a button on my phone) that I would be available between 9 and 12 that day. GODDAMNIT, THE ASSHOLE ON THE PHONE SAID IT WOULD BE 12 to 4. OK, I pressed the button to confirm that I’d be available 9 to 4.
8. They installer was a relatively helpful and competent person, but I found it amusing when he asked whether the person who had installed the new cable outlets in my house was “a colored guy,” because the end-pieces of the cables weren’t affixed very securely. Well, yes, I had hired a guy to install some new outlets in my new home, and he was a black dude. But for the Comcast guy to ask a person he had never met before (me, a white guy who could have been married to a black woman, for all this guy knew, even though I’m not) if a “colored guy” had installed my outlets, while I do find that humorous, is still pretty outrageous in 2010.
9. After the installer was done, he wrote down my new e-mail user name, and said my old user name would still work, but I could also use the name if necessary.
10. The installer also hooked up the equipment I had brought from my old house.
11. About 15 minutes after he left, my doorbell rang, and he was back, to say that his service center wasn’t working, and only then did he ask where I moved from. I told him the suburban county where I had come from, and he said that, well, that county’s Comcast equipment isn’t compatible with the city of Philadelphia Comcast’s equipment, so he’d had to replace all of the equipment he had hooked up with new equipment.
12. After he was done installing the new equipment, he realized he had also taken my old modem, and went to retrieve it from his van, saying I needed to return the modem with the other equipment to the Comcast office in the county of my old house. At that point I told him that the old modem was actually owned by me, not rented from Comcast, so I was glad he brought it back.. You would think that not only would he have known what county I was moving from, and that that county’s equipment wouldn’t work with the city-Comcast system; but that he also would have known that I wasn’t renting a Comcast modem, so the modem I had was owned by me.
13. Here’s the most frustrating part (and I will hit “Submit Comment” and start with Part Two, lest I lose all the above)…
…A day after my installation, suddenly my e-mail addresses for my secondary Comcast accounts (which I used for my second computer, my laptop computer, and various other uses) stopped working. I institute another “online chat” with Comcast to try to resolve it. After literally about two hours spend “chatting” the Comcast person still hadn’t come to any conclusion about what the problem was, and I had to be somewhere, so I ended the chat before it was resolved.
14. So later that day, in an effort to get my secondary e-mail addresses back, I called 1-800-Comcast, and spent literally one hour and thirty minutes (I know this because I now have Comcast phone service, which tells me the length of every call), the phone rep finally told me that it was impossible to maintain those secondary accounts, because moving 20 miles required that I lose my e-mail accounts and must use new e-mail addresses (as he explained, the same reason why I couldn’t use my suburban Comcast equipment with the city-Comcast service was the reason behind why I couldn’t use my old e-mail addresses with my new Comcast account). He did say, however, that my old Comcast e-mail addresses would be inactive for either 30 or 90 days (he wasn’t sure which), at which time I could try to re-claim them, if someone else doesn’t reclaim them before me. It would be nice if I knew which it was — 30 or 90 days — because I do plan to try to reclaim them all at that time. So I’ll have to try after 30 days. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll wait another 60 days, and try again.
Bottom Line: COMCAST SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy Crap, Swami, that sounds like the stuff I go through with Suddenlink (formerly Charter) here in WV. For the most part, they are great. I have bundled service (cable, internet, and phone) with them, and the pricing and service is great. But if you want to do anything out of the ordinary, it’s nuts. A friend got divorced, and had to separate his email address from his ex-wife’s. They were both on the same billing account. It took Suddenlink forever to get it all straightened out.
AWG, get a patent on your next invention!
I can’t get to the WVSR from work either, but I do get the daily updates via Email at work. Makes the day go much better, you should sign up!
Way to go on the 85 dick comments! Nice post, come back more often!
Yeah, I’ve had it with Comcast. I tried switching to U-Verse and they laughed at my poor credit….well at least I picture them laughing.
Swami Bologna: Verizon Fios. You have a choice.
The Mission Space and Soarin’ sounds awesome!
Good to hear from you again. Well done.