Metten and I text complaints and whiny messages to each other throughout most days. And I had a pretty good idea how attached he was to his fancy-pants cell phone. The story about how it died is detailed below, and I think you’re going to enjoy it. -Jeff
I am sitting at work without the internet. While I am still the youngest employee in the building, I am old enough to remember a time before the internet existed (at least not like it does now). What I am having trouble remembering is exactly how I got through those days without it.
It’s 1:49 p.m. and I haven’t seen a single picture of a naked person, read any quasi-humorous accounts about what Lindsay Lohan did last night or heard a single minute of “Where’s my Damn Box Scores?!.” As Jeff would say, this eats it from the ass in.
Fortunately, I got the opportunity to prepare for this technology depravation by living for a few days without my precious, precious smart phone. This is the other thing that I have no idea how I ever lived without.
Seriously, I felt like Darth Vader without his “looks-like-the-top-of-a-giant-all-black-penis-(really, is there any other kind?)-helmet”. I no longer know how to drive anywhere without the navigational device. I have no other social interaction other than sending random text messages to strangers (“I’m giving you one more chance! I’m coming over tonight. The chamber pot had better be clean and the dog had better be shaved!”). And I have to revert back to slapping my children to get them to shut up rather than hypnotizing them with the Disney Channel.
So here’s the story – I was standing there urinating when someone texted me. I am good at multitasking so I pulled my phone out of my pocket with my right hand while my left hand held…other things.
Like a really expensive bar of soap, the phone squirted out of my hand, went straight up in the air and landed in the toilet with that strange splash-chunk you hear when you watch Olympic diving.
Of course, I couldn’t stop urinating, so I proceeded to pee on my phone. Once I was finished, I asked myself, “Am I the type of man that would go fishing in my own urine to retrieve my smart phone?” The answer was no.
I flushed and the “water” went down, but the phone stayed. Now that the water was clear, I reached in and fished out my phone. I took it apart and set it out in the sun. After a while I put it back together and it powered up. Amazingly, it worked, but I broke the power source for the touch screen…so I turned it in to the insurance company.
I got a new phone in a couple of days and everything is all better now, but Jeebus, that was unpleasant. The only good part was explaining to people that I couldn’t look up Elvis’ birthday or give them directions to the nearest grocery store because “I had urinated on my phone.” Good Times.
So anyway, here’s three questions that might get you through the day: First, What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever put your hand in? Second, can you help me out with some new random text messages that I can send to stranger?
And finally, we didn’t talk about this, but I asked this question on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and the results were really a good time. In fact, if you took part in that exercise, it would be perfectly okay for you to repeat your answers here because they were awesome. This third question is, What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever broken during sex? By the way, tremendously witty answers like “hymen, dignity, pride, standards of decency, my bank account, etc.” have already been said.
Thanks for reading…
I DID READ THE UPDATE THOUGH.
Lets see…I did drop one of my phones in the toilet about 6 years ago…Does anyone remember Nextel? haha, I know you do, but it seems to ancient. I had one of those big ass lump constuction phones that I had stuck in my back pocket a party. Completely forgetting the ‘brick’ was in my back pocket I sat down to pee and heard a splash. I continued to pee, and when I got up, there was my phone, emerged inches deep in someone else’s bacteria filled toilet water and my own beer piss. Did I fish it out? Hell yeah I fished it out. It worked once it dried out, but I ended up having to get a new one. I did not mention to them when I brought it in that I’d peed on it, I told them I dropped it in a puddle. They believed me.
I cannot type today, I apologize.
Chuck in Belpre says
I once dropped my mp3 player in the toilet. Fortunately those things are tinier than any brown slider so it went right down. Somewhere a blue catfish is enjoying the Spencer Davis Group.
Once knocked the slats out of a queen size sleigh bed…does that count?
I have never broken anything expensive during sex, just spilled drinks onto the bed and stained sheets, but a friend of mine bought a $500 dollar “water pipe” and broke it through sex less then 24 hours later. He was, to say the least, quite unhappy.
One of my kids swallowed something that I had to track, to be sure it had passed. For days I had to comb through her poop to see what might be in it. Talk about good times.
And something I broke during sex? How about a toilet seat (I WON’T tell you where it was)
once my sister dropped a phone in a pothole that was filled with rain and nyc street juices. she almost cried.
i called her on my phone and it lit up under water so she reached in and got it.
it was one of those cheep-as-free phones that t-mobile gives you… and it suffered no ill effects
once i reached into the toilet after a rude #2 to retrieve my glasses….
also i took a shovel out of a septic tank. i was digging out the dirt because of an overflow….
i’m kind of immune to most gross things…
as for breaking stuff during sex….
it wasn’t during sex, but it was when i was rebuffing the advances of my sister’s gross friend…
the girl barges into my bedroom after i had done 14 hours at my job to offer me a bj in exchange for buying her dominos pizza. i said “get out of here. now” she plops down on her bed and breaks the leg.
now, i’ve had sex with fat chicks on there (because i like them….) and… no problems. she sits her fat ass on the corner? *BAM* broken.
The man and I broke a Waterbed. Not the mattress itself but the wooden casing around it. That bitch broke free and log rolled both of our neked aces onto the floor and the waterbed mattress part squirted across the room like a water weenie. We laid there and laughed, amazed and amused that nothing was broken. Guess we could have toned it down, but what fun would that have been? Definitely memorable.
I have three little people so I have experienced every level of nasty that exists. I have tried to catch vomit, been *shotgun shitted* on by a baby, and watched poop fingers get smeared on the wall.
Note: **Shotgun shitting is when changing a diaper you lift the feet back towards the head of the child to either wipe the hiney or place a fresh diaper, and the kid fires, like a pump action shot gun.
I once dropped my PS3 controller in the pisser after. I was drunk and playing video games when i had to go take a piss. Well for some reason i took the controller with me and after i flushed i dropped it. I took it apart, wiped it down with bleach and put it back together and it worked.
“Second, can you help me out with some new random text messages that I can send to stranger?
Do u kno hw 2 get abt 8 pints blood outta carpet? callme
most expensive thing I have broken during sex has to be my arm. I am still paying for that.
My drunk ass fell off the bed during the deed and I landed just right.
Grossest thing ever????? Hmmmm. I am a mom and an alcoholic. i think i have handled every manner of nastiness. i would have to say the thing that grossed me out most was a dead and bloated mouse that “popped” when i stepped on it. i had to clean that up and it was completely disturbing.
I was supposed to give a stool sample, but after reading the instructions I said NO FRICKIN’ WAY.
Madz1962: Man, I had to do that. Shit into a pan, scoop it up into various bottles, mix well, and haul everything over to a lab. Easier said than done. Besides the indignities of pinching off a loaf over a pan (which gives the term “loaf pan” a whole new meaning), I got stuck in a traffic jam caused by an accident on the way to the lab. Meanwhile the sample was getting really, er, ripe. By the time I got there the lab had closed shop for lunch, so I had to sit in the hallway holding my brown bag of B.M. and experience the sight of people walking by, stopping dead in their tracks, and asking “Do you smell shit?” Upon which they would look disgustingly over at me. UGH!
So I’ve established that I’ve touched my own crap. And there were plenty of times my late dog got various bodily fluids on me. But the absolute worst thing I’ve had in my hand was a wriggling pile of earthworms that I stepped in and had to remove from that crevice under the toes where they got stuck fast somehow. I’m nigh-phobic about worms, so that was vastly unpleasant.
I have had my hands up the ass of a cow (to retrieve a baby cow, and down the mouth of an Afghan (to retrieve evidence). I can’t say which was more unpleasent.
I like to send secret alert codes that i make up to people who have no idea what they mean, such as: Rosebud 7; Check your glands; and 11 fingers figure math is a problem.
I have broken all sorts of things having sex. A window, my toe, vaginal walls, I broke a chicks sphincter once, cracked right down the side (that should be expensive.
The most monetarily valuable item I have broken. Hmmm. I got road head once, from the girl driving. She was driving and sucking at the same time. Actually I was supposed to be steering while here head was down, but I got distracted and ran the car off the road and wrecked it in a ditch. That turned out to be pretty expensive. I was lucky enough not to break my junk, but when I started cussing and the began swerving, the bright lass picked her head up to see what was the matter.
how about a broken heart ,not the sappy breaking up kind of broken heart neither. right after the joy was over the pain sat in 11 days and 251000.00 dollars later for a heart attack . that was in 07 but all better now.
Shiny Rod says
Question one: Besides a few dirty diapers and an ex who got drunk one night and decided the bed was a good place to take a crap, I have not had the pleasure or displeasure of handling anything gross.
Question two: “RU DRVG & TXTG AGN?”
Question three: I have to admit that I have never broken anything expensive during sex outside of a watch. No need to explain that one, it flew off my arm and hit the wall.
The grossest thing I have ever had to put my hands in: my own child’s poop. He had eaten some of those little lead weights that are used in racing those little wooden cars (pine box derby, or something like that). I know, excellent mothering. Anyway, poison control said that he should be fine, but that we needed to check his poops everyday until they reappeared, to make sure that they didn’t lodge somewhere inside of him and we end up with our own Tommy Boy.
I did end up putting the poop into ziplocs, rather than my bare hands, but STILL, I had to massage hot, fresh poop through a plastic bag for days until those things turned up!
‘Did you forget to go over and help mom put the hemmoroid cream on? She’s gonna be super fuckin’ pissed man.’
I think poop probably would be the grossest. Oh, unless you want to talk about trach secretions. Bleah.
Random text: did you see, stop?
Sex: Bed of course. Yeah, that’s about it. Pretty lame eh.
Grossest…had to do with Tijuana.
Text…”Does just once make you gay?”
Sex breakage…some sort of record she kept muttering about.
Grossest thing – liquified human remains.
Grossest thing I put my hand in would be your Mom
Text – LOL CPed ur Mom lst nght
Sex – broke your Mom
Uncle Wedgie, that’s your sister, dude!
The hub came home to 4 sick dogs last week. He counted 10 piles of liquid doo and 3 piles of puke. He wore gloves–but still nastier than anything I’ve ever touched. Alas, I was delayed at work.
kristin: You don’t win. I had to put my bare hand in a living breathing pashtun man to retrieve something he was trying to swallow. I would tak a bath in liquified human remains before doing that again.
My husband works in dialysis. He once had to help a patient (who suffers from calciphylaxis) use the bathroom…by placing the..freshly debrieded… junk… into the urinal.
He was wearing gloves, but STILL.
Worst part? The guy didn’t use the bathroom. He FELL ASLEEP…and the junk was slimy.
My spouse isn’t paid NEARLY enough.
TEXT: Come get your monkeys, man. I’m out of medication and they are getting frigging MEAN.
how is that gross, my junk is always slimy.
Wow so many poo stories. You think cleaning after baby’s is nasty? My ex-wife is a CNA. She use to tell me, when she got home, that she had to clean an elderly person that had played with their own feces that day. She said they would pick it up an smear it all over the walls and theirselves. How disgusting is that? Just thought i would throw in a good poo story that i knew.
Grossest thing ever held:
A turd that someone else had not flushed down the toilet. Actually, a workmate did this (he is a plumber and got pissed at the previous shift’s worker’s poor hygiene) and put it in a clear plastic bag and tied it to the responsible shift’s protective clothing rack. I actually have a photo!
Never broke anything during sex but nearly got stabbed by a stiletto after rolling over during some shenanigans. I sqealed in a much higher pitch than my girl could have managed shouting: GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF!!!
Just remembered, the grossest thing for me was a burned corpse from a car crash. I love my job.
Oh yeah i almost forgot,
“The tools of Life are knowledge and understanding. The tools of Death are ignorance and hate.”
I DON’T KNOW
Just something i was thinking about. Don’t know if anyone has ever said it but surely they have.
Grossest: My ex-wife’s vagina
Random Text: Low Battery
Expensive sex breakage: Wedding vows. Going on $400k
@ Kristin – Do you want to elaborate on that story? How the hell did you end up in liquified human remains?
Sounds like an episode of Metalocalypse
I’ve had to touch a lot of gross things over my years. I have two little brothers who were conveniently born when I was old enough to know how to change diapers. That was always bitchin’ time.
Last weekend I also had to tend to my drunk boyfriend’s bloody toe…
Let me explain the scenerio…We went camping last weekend at a little hick camp ground a few minutes from our house…we were continuously drinking until the wee hours of the morning. There was an empty field across the way from our tents where we were playing frisbee and what not. There was also a random plywood box which didn’t seem to serve any purpose at all and 4 or 5 of our friends thought it would be a good idea to get inside box. They eventually named it the ‘Demon Box’ telling us that it was some kind of plywood portal to Hell…idiots. Anyway, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to jump at the Demon Box and scare everyone. So he caught air and went flying feet first into the Demon Box, ended up landing about a foot away and sliding the rest of the way into the box, popping his big toe nail off. Not completely, but it was definately at an angle it shouldn’t have been. Thankfully the camp ground had a bathroom and I carefully tended to my boyfriends gushing toe, while swigging beer in between, and holding him up with the other hand because he couldn’t stand up.
I’d like to thank Maker’s Mark Whiskey for numbing the pain of my boyfriends big toe mishap. They things we do for folks we love.
A guy had been killed, stuffed into several garbage bags, and dumped in an alley in the Bronx. In August. They didn’t find him for about 3 weeks. I had to search through the bags for evidence. The worst part is when the maggots wake up from the chloroform nap and start wiggling off the table. They sure don’t show that shit on CSI.
I haven’t touched that, but I’ve smelled it. a guy did his best Michael Hutchence impression in an apartment building I was staying at in Cincy in July, they didn’t find him for about 3 weeks.
On a lighter note, let’s all have a get together in Belize. Only $600 round trip after taxes from OKC most weekends from July on out. I’ll see you there in August or September (applpying for the new passport tomorrow).
For a comparison it’s $460 from okc to cincy. Fuck cincy I’m going to Belize.
Good Morning Surf Reporters…..
I used to think “piss on technology”….
This was a wonderful geek story that I thoroughly enjoyed.
I still do not own a smart phone.
I fear a data plan.
— but I can tweet from it
anything more and I would be dangerous.
Unlike the author I don’t have experience of black penises so I can’t comment on their relative size.
Stood on, crushed and slipped across a tile floor on the juice of the mother of all tropical cockroaches, barefoot in the dark. That was gross to clean up.
“I coming over right now my love. I don’t care if they’re home, they need to know about us. If you have to get divorced so be it – I don’t care any more. I’ll bring Metten’s big black dildo, Leroy, with me.”
Never dropped a phone in the toilet. Never used a phone and a toilet/urinal simultaneously either.
I have been in a corporate restroom, heard a phone ring and someone in a cubicle scream (really scream) “CAN’T I EVEN TAKE A FUCKING SHIT IN PEACE!”. I think they were having a bad day.
I get my 3G iPad today 🙂 Squeaking in before the MFers turn off the $30 unlimited data plan on Monday. Better not drop that in the crapper.
That’s too many characters you fuckin’ homophobe.
After reading about all the things people have broken during sex, I don’t feel so bad about breaking my TV when Mr.Man and I were sharing a cuddle.
I got a cramp in my leg, kicked it out and the TV fell off the stand and smashed the screen out, crushing my plastic laundry basket….
It was a new laundry basket too, damnit.
I’ve never sent a txt msg in my life. I wouldn’t know what the character limit is. I know when you twat it’s 140 chars, apparently smartphones r the same? U learn something every day.
Very offended by ur Mohamed pics. Fatwa Council informed. L8tr infidel.
another Jeff ... alienjeff says
My cheeseball LG cellphone from Verizon recently took an unplanned bath, though it survived. The story is in here:
The impatient can scoll down to “Baptism.”