This is the first in a series of guest posts from once and future Surf Report columnists, graciously provided to take up the slack while I’m off crying softly into a book manuscript. This first offering is by Brad, who used to write a great column here called Exit 149. Enjoy! -Jeff
Worked in bars and sideshows along the twilight zone
Only a crowd can make you feel so alone
And it really hit home
Booze and pills and powders
You can choose your medicine
Not much good comes from an unexpected knock on the door. I don’t know if people still ask to use the phone when their cars break down, but around here, an unexpected knock usually means a wino or a druggie who “wants” to do odd jobs in exchange for quick cash. I’m not having any of that, thank you, so most knocks go unanswered at my house. They’re a hassle and usually end in disappointment.
I remember a time during my first go at college an unexpected knock
occurred after 11 p.m. on a Saturday night. I went to the door and was
pleasantly surprised to see a girl I had a crush on standing in front
of me. It was like a dream come true and I immediately began composing
a letter to Penthouse Forum in my head. However, I wasn’t even near
the end of the opening sentence of the first draft when she told me
she was looking for the lacrosse-playing drug-dealing studs who lived
across the hall. My luck answering doors haven’t improved much since
that night.
But I was expecting someone recently when I answered a knock. I had no
clue what was waiting for me on the other side.
Instead of the person I was expecting, there were two well-dressed men
on my porch. One of them had a nice-looking hat–not a fedora, but
somewhere in that neighborhood. It was obvious they were not here to
offer up their services for odd jobs. These men were Jehovah’s
Witnesses and they wanted a few minutes of my time. My gut reaction
was to tell them no and never come back, but I opened the door, so I
had to pay the price. It’s not a set rule–more like a code I follow.
These Jehovah’s Witnesses were nice enough, but that’s to be expected
from them. I don’t recall many stories of surly Jehovah’s Witnesses
roughing up homeowners. It’s possible I missed one somewhere along the
way. I think they were surprised I let them stay on the porch and
talk. I wasn’t going to convert. I have nothing against religion, but
it’s not really my cup of tea. I also have no problem with people
following what they want. It’s a tough world and everyone needs to
find something to give him/her comfort. That being said, I don’t think
your religion is exactly kicking ass if you have to go door-to-door
recruiting members.
So I stood on the porch and let them have their moment. Non-hat did
all the talking and all the pamphlet handing out. The hat-wearer stood
off to the side and did his part of nodding his head. Until the end of
non-hat’s speech. That’s when hat-wearer kicked it into gear. Like I
said, I suspect these men are used to door being closed in their faces
and since they had someone actually letting them talk, they were going
to take advantage of it. Hat-wearer told me tales of woe in this world
and how people are going to hell. He never tried to directly recruit
me. He attempted the fear method on me. To no avail. I mean, Fox News
is the king of fear mongering and even it doesn’t faze me.
They left after they were both talked out and I went inside, tossed
the pamphlets onto the table and waited for the person I was
expecting. An hour went by, give or take, and the doorbell rang again.
I went to the door, opened it and was greeted by a scraggly looking
twitchy man.
“I noticed your gutters are in need of some cleaning. I can do it for $20.”
What’s the most recent unsolicited door-knocker you’ve encountered? What was his/her angle? Please tell us about it in the comments. And thanks for reading!
1st!!!
A couple of Jehovies showed up a few weeks ago while the cable guy was here installing some lines. After I rebuffed the Watchtower(er) he started in on the cable guy. I thought that was crossing a line so I told him to “get on now, GIT!”
and this is the closest I will ever be to numero uno.
I always get suckered in to opening the door when the “Witnesses” send a couple smokin’ hot mid 20’s ladies. hink they do recon & send whomever they think will be most effective at each residence…..
Last unexpected door knock was a drunk and crazy lady wearing 1 flip flop and a thin, dirty, cheap flintstones nightie(in the middle of November). She had just crashed her car into the garage accross the street. Oh did I mention her car was on fire? She said she dropped a book of matches alongside the seat while she was trying to light a cigarette.
To really make it interesting, once EMS and the police get there, they get real concerned looking , and grab her and throw her into the cop car real fast and drive off. Turns out she was wanted for stabbing her boyfriend earlier that evening.
I Think – not hink…
Latest one was a gentleman inquiring if he could have the “scrap metals” on my trailer– which just happens to be a 1969 chevy pickup cab and doors. I told him for $2200 he could keep the trailer too. He didn’t quite get it and said he needed the money for food… So I gave him a can of green beans and told him to get off my lawn.
I also scared the crap out of a couple of wannabe gangsters sitting in my driveway watching the owner close the business across the street for the night. Opened the garage door with a phone in one hand and a 12 gauge in the other. They got the message. Told the guy across the street about it and he revealed a .45 in a holster on his waist– but thanked me for the backup.
The other day a “Verison” tech came knocking on my door wanting to check the grounding on my FIOS.
#1- He used my Ex’s name. She hasn’t been living there for a year…
#2- Nobody ever called me about that.
#3- The physics regarding FIOS (Fiber Optics) doesn’t involve grounding. Fiber Optics is light-based transmissions. Not electrical connections like DSL and Cable…. So you don’t have grounding issues… Grounding brings devices to the same electric potential reference.
#4- His tactic to get in was “Well… if it burns down your house *I* can’t be responsible…
Yeah… I called Verison. They didn’t send anyone out.
I always gave hell to the Mormons that lived next door to Jones. Always offered them beer, but couldn’t get them to jump the fence. I did my part for the heathens.
Last unexpected door knock was about two weeks ago on a Saturday morning around 10 am. It was my neighbour, and he was bearing breakfast! His wife suspected I might need a bit of nourishment after drinking all night with her husband so she sent him over with a big hunk of sausage and mushroom frittata, two biscuits with sausage gravy and four slices of BACON! Best unexpected knock ever that didn’t involve a naked female.
Also? In my neighborhood the JWs usually send their *KIDS* to ring the bells…. I guess they figure that the kids won’t get the doors slammed in their faces. Not at my house.
I don’t age-discriminate.
*USUALLY* I tell the grownup that they’re real low using a kid like that…. and then I slam the door…
For some reason I have had several contractors stop by the house recently to ask if I want to have my driveway sealcoated. I just finished dropping a bajillion dollars on a brand new driveway with 3.5 inches of the most primo asphalt that has ever graced our land!! How well do these people know their business? It’s like a plastic surgeon dropping by at Pamela Anderson’s house and asking if she needs a boob job. Or dropping by to sell guns to Big Bear in OH….
Our most recent solicitor was also selling religion, however they were Mormons (or Latter Day Saints as at least 10 people call them), not Jo-Ho’s. They were polite and took the hint that if (a VERY big if) I was going to have a doorway conversion it would not be to the LDS.
I do have a good Jehovah’s Witness story: Early one Saturday morning when I was about 17ish someone began knocking on out front door. My mom was at work and the door knockers were persistent, so eventually I was forced to get up and deal with the situation. I threw on a robe and trudged downstairs and opened the door to a family of Jo-hos: mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and two girls about eight and ten. Mom was holding a copy of Watchtower and as soon as the door opened she started in on her sales pitch. I wanted nothing more than to go back to bed and be free of these corn-poke Calvinists for good so I cut mom off saying I wasn’t interested in buying Watchtower, but I would buy the girls, just for an hour or two.
They turned and fled immediately. My mom lived in that house for at least another ten years and was never pestered by Jo-hos again.
It has occurred to me that pulling the same stunt today would likely land me in on an sex offender list, even I wasn’t serious about my proposition.
Taiwan On,
Driveway sealing is a rip-off and actually speeds the deterioration of the asphalt. Never, ever do it.
“How much for the little girl?”-Jake
@WB
You hit the movie lines exactly as I picture the comments… thanks!
I get plenty of unexpected knocks, despite having “No Soliciting” signs all over the place. My husband tells me to just ignore them, but my usual tact is to wing open the door and come at them screaming gibberish-curses (I really really really hate the sound of doorbells, but my husband won’t let me uninstall ours). Unfortunately most of the time this just results in laughter from the knocker. I mean, I’m not very formidable-looking in person.
Anyway, the most unusual knocker I ever had was back in rural Ohio. We lived on the corner of Heron and West Sunnyside (names changed to protect the innocent). The corner house on the other end of Heron was on East Sunnyside. Sometimes we got knockers who meant to be calling at East Sunnyside. I could tell because their “visitors” were usually unsavory types.
One time two huge goons came to my door and, with pure malice in their eyes, asked for “Steve”. I told them no one lived here by that name and perhaps they wanted East Sunnyside. There was a terribly long pause while their pea brains considered whether to storm in and start swinging or just walk down the street. Meanwhile I smiled pleasantly up at them (they were twice my size) while wiping my hands on my apron (I was baking something).
Eventually they decided “Steve” wasn’t married to no Betty Corcker and what I was cooking wasn’t meth, so they went on their way. But that was rather scary.
I get unexpected and uninvited door knockers all the time. My toothless neighbor loves to come hang out in my living room seems like every Friday. Once she comes so do the children and I get stuck talking to the whole family of hill.god.damned.billies on Friday nights when I am trying to get my weekend drunk kicked in. Other than that not much company. My fiance says i am just too nice. I think he may be right.
I heard a story where someone invited the JW’s in , gave them a glass of tea and waited in silence . When prompted by the homeowner for them to give their pitch they looked at each other and said “We don’t know what to say–We never got this far before !! “
I live in an apartment and we get no trick or treaters at all. I had a knock last Halloween and I went to the door. It was my very large breasted Puerto Rican neighbor wearing her extremely revealing Little Red Riding costume. She asked if I was the Big Bad Wolf and she ran away.
Why did I not go to the door with my camera??
We don’t get Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on our door…at least not anymore.
After one PARTICULARLY HORRIBLE morning of listening to my two teen-aged-know-it-all girls fighting (complete with loud screaming, insulting and cussing at each other), I heard a knock on the door.
Imagine my delight when I saw that it was two Jehovah’s Witnesses.
“This is perfect”, I thought.
I yelled to the girls that there was someone at the door to see them.
Both girls came flying down the stairs.
I shoved them out the door towards the Jehovah’s Witnesses and closed it, leaving them trapped on the porch with them.
“This will certainly teach them a lesson”, I thought to myself.
My older daughter proceeded to speak to them, pretending to twitch,shouting “BITCH! “…”SHIT! ” intermittently throughout the conversation. The younger daughter apologized, stating that her older sister had a rare form of Tourettes that had started after she’d been severely molested and beaten by one of “our mother’s ex-boyfriends”.
The older one said, “He was a Jehovah’s Witness too.”
Then my younger one chimed in, “Yeah, you should probably leave. Our mother is upstairs loading the shotgun.”
Yeah…my kids….gotta love them.
Anyway, not only did I NOT teach my children a lesson, they taught me that they’re more clever than I would ever have thought possible.
Plus we haven’t had a Jehovah’s Witness stop by in a long time. The Church of Latter Day Saints have been by, but the girls think those boys are cute so they’re nice to them.
Not to interrupt your little hate-fest on people you don’t understand; but Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe anyone is going to hell (don’t even believe in hellfire). So, you must not have been listening.
Also, they are not there to waste your time, they really come to try to help people. They aren’t just trying to up their numbers, just trying to follow Jesus’ commission to teach. Maybe instead of being a jerk, or wasting their time (they don’t get paid to do this) just tell them you are not interested. Heck, tell them not to come back (they won’t), just don’t be asses.
Rant over, please carry on.
Kristen,
I tend to respect all faiths pretty much equally. I just ask that nobody try to impose their faith on me. I tend to feel that the door-to-door god-salesmen are attempting to do that. So I get insulted.
I also think it’s a low tactic to use a child to dodge the fallout from insulting/harassing people in their own homes.
I haven’t seen any Jehovah’s witnesses since I lived in St. Louis. I answered the apartment door one Saturday morning with a rollicking hangover. There was some dishwater blonde MILF and her teenage daughter. I must have looked like the wrath of God to them. I said “no thanks” while I memorized their bodies and faces. That was all I needed, lol.
I practically hide anymore if the doorbell rings. Sometimes even if it’s people I know. I know of one female friend that used to stop by if she was in the neighorhood running errands with her kids. She could talk the ears off a wooden Indian and I usually wasn’t up for that.
Since I’ve been in this new house, I had an older teenage boy come to my door selling his full-length oil paintings. I don’t know how I avoided stupidly giving him money (I think the cheapest one was 95 bucks); probably I was just happily broke at the time. Another new thing are these trucks that drive through the neighborhood. They say “Thomasville” on the side and they are selling furniture door-to-door. I shit you not. Just another of one of many scams you should be aware of.
Fattie20xl
I do respect how you feel, but wanted to say one thing about the children that you may not have thought of. Being one of those children myself, my parents didn’t ever have to ask me to knock on doors, I pestered them because I wanted to talk to the people. Probably only one out of every 20-30 houses contains a nasty person who decides to slam the door and/or yell. Most people are kind. So children being allowed to ring the bell is far from a “low tactic”, it is simply a family doing what they do together.
I had a couple of guys selling steaks out of the back of a pick up truck. I pointed to the pasture with 17 whiteface cattle and told him “Those are the steaks we eat” He understood and left.
Hey Brad nice update..good to “hear” from you again.
Thanks Kristen. I’m not a JW, but I was going to mention that it is part of the doctrine that JW’s go door to door. Even Michael Jackson and his family did it. It’s just part of the deal.
The last person who knocked on my door was a Kirby Vacuum salesman. Tried to convince me that he got $25.00 just for getting in the door to vacuum my rugs, and he would give me a lovely bottle of Downy Fabric Softener for you trouble. The first time, I told him I would not be buying a Kirby, could not afford a Kirby (I can) and he should not waste his time. The second time he came back I reiterated that I was not buying one, and that his time was better served with someone he might be able to talk into buying one. My kids thought I should have just let him clean all the upholstery, but I couldn’t tolerate him for that long.
Tammie: Your girls are hilarious!
We usually don’t get any “door knockers” because our drive way is very long and steep. Most people are to lazy or unconditioned to climb it! In fact, our douchbag mail man won’t even bring a package up to the door . But a few weeks ago, two JW”s made the trek up the hill while my boyfriend was in the garage putting some chrome pieces on our bike.
After they made their intro speech my boyfriend told them, “I don’t have time for this shit today….unless you can stay and help”. They were pretty cool, actually. Stood there and talked about how one of them has a bike similar to the one we just bought. Then they went on their merry way.
Wow just another viewpoin. That’s awesome if the kids actually want to talk to people about Jesus. But if they don’t leave when you ask them too then they are asking for it. You can’t make everybody turn to God. I never understood why JW’s don’t believe in hell when it clearly states in the bible that there is on.
This happened to a lady that works in our Santa Barbara office. She has a son who is slightly disabled (I’ll be honest, I don’t know the politically correct way of saying “mildly retarded” so I apologize to anyone who might be offended). The young man is old enough and sensible enough to stay at home alone, but just not well enough to work.
Anyway, the mother gets a call from work and it is her son saying, Mother, come home. I have captured a gnome. I’ll save you the details of the full transcript but suffice it to say that she had ascertained that not only was it not a small animal that had been captured or the young man’s imagination, but that he had in fact captured a gnome, and the gnome was currently locked in the closet. Needless to say, mom high-tailed it out of work and drove to the house.
She gets to the house and rushes into the front door to see that a couch is turned on its back, there has clearly been a struggle, and her son is sitting on a chair pressed up against the closet door. Oh, and there is banging and yelling coming from inside the closet.
I’m sure most of you have figured this out, but the fact is, when she convinced her son to move and opened up the closet door, a midget (or little person if you prefer) who was mighty pissed off came tumbling out. The mother was trying to sort out the details but the gnome demanded to call the police, so they did.
Apparently, the police got to the bottom of it. The little person was going door to door as part of a ministry wanting to pray with people. The retarded guy knew he was not to allow anyone inside, but the little preacher was persistent. The minute the midget attempted to cross the threshold of the front door, fisticuffs ensued and the gnome was subdued after a short struggle and remanded to the closet.
He wanted to press charges. The police officer instead (smartly) told him that he attempted to take advantage of the disabled young man and that his choice was to leave or go down town for some questioning. The gnome chose to be on his way.
Have I told this story before?
Last person to come to my door was someone selling meat. I told then that my family doesn’t eat meat which is a lie I do eat meat I just don’t eat meat from a guy that looks like a gangster and selling meat form the back of a minivan. Long story short I told him I didn’t eat meat and he proceeded to tell me that he sells shrimp and fish also, yea go figure apparently shrimp and fish aren’t meat.
Also one year a few years ago it was Christmas morning and my family and myself were opening presents at like 7 in the morning when who should come knocking at our door, the JWs I mean cmon you may not do the whole Christmas thing but to come to people doors on Christmas morning.
My last one was my downstairs neighbor, claiming to be the cops, accusing me of setting off atomic bombs in my apartment.
@Kristin Unless I have been misinformed, Jehovah Witnesses, like people of all Christian faiths, are taught benevolence.
Take a page out of your own Watchtower. Calling people jerks and asses is hardly following “Jesus’s commission”.
Dave- that shit is high comedy!!! love it.
Valentin- they don;t believe in hell because they only sort of believe the Bible as it is written.
Tammie- your kids sound awesome how old are they?? I can totally see my 19 year old having done that. She is very funny.
Ugh…I haven’t had any experiences recently with (I call them) Josiah’s Witnesses, I would definitely be one of the one’s slamming the door in their faces. I have no interest in hearing about your religion, and converting should be a choice not a gimmick.
I hate it when people come to my door…I cannot even express how much I hate it. I guess it’s because I feel so gunwrenchingly sorry for them, and I hate feeling guilty and put on the spot. A girl came to our door a few weeks ago and I could tell she was really uncomfortable and hated it, and asked me if I would donate money for something. The reason was legitimate but I have my own financial troubles too just like half the world and I cannot afford to be dishing out money for cheerleading fundraisers and what not. I kindly told her ‘No, I’m sorry.’ She hung her head and sadly walked off…poor thing. I guess it wasn’t THAT dramatic, but I did feel really bad.
Another time I can think of, it was around Christmas time about 4 years ago when I was still living with my P’s, and there was a group of little girl scouts going around caroling. Probably no more then 6 and 7 years old. My mom and I saw them coming and then much to our dissapointment, they stopped out in our front yard. My mom dove behind the couch and I dove into the utility room, and out of site of the caroling scouts. There was a mom chaperoning them and she came up and was looking in our windows and stuff because she must’ve saw movement and was wondering why we weren’t acknowledging them. In the meantime, me and my mom were just dying laughing from our hiding spots.
One time during my series of jobs, I replied to an add in the paper about a job “Great summer job for teens! Reply here…blah blah blah”. I went through a formal interview, and quickly realized the hard way that I’d gotten myself into a door to door salesman position. They wanted me to start right after the interview and I reluctantly agreed, thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad and I might enjoy it. WRONG. VERY WRONG. Two guys came in (the recruiters) who were WAY too into their job, and told me they were ‘going to show me the route’. Ok? We drove for about 20 minutes…I was so uncomfortable and freaked out that I seriously was about to puke. What the hell was I doing? So I started thinking of ways to get out of this horrible idea…I started texting my friend who lived in the area and told the guys I needed to go to the bathroom, so we stopped at a Burger King and I hid in the bathroom for 15 minutes until my friend got there. My point is, is that those guys talked about this job like it was the most awesome thing they’d ever done. It’s all they talked about. Even thinking about that situation seriously nauseates me.
Overall, do not ever open the door for a door to door salesman. They are brainwashed zombies in suits and you will forever regret the decision.
Here we go! Since I’m an asshole I also have an opinion (since everyone has both right?).
I get it that the door-to-door witnesser is acting from good intentions, but since part of any faith seems to be believing other faiths are wrong, it seems disrespectful to knock on a stranger’s door and tell- rather than ask. I like faiths that act through service, like the Mennonites. They will build you a house yo!
Far as I know the JW’s and LDS’s don’t come around offering to build no houses.
My girls are 19 and 17 but were only 17 and 15 when that happened.
The oldest one just finished yelling out the car window at some man walking down the road and scaring the shit out of him (her favorite game) and the 17 year old is planning a trip to see midget houses with her friends. Apparently they saw pictures of a couple and she hasn’t stopped talking about how “cute” the little doors and windows are. I feel the need to make sure she and her friends aren’t stalking some kid’s playhouse.
Honestly, I don’t know where they learned that kind of behavior….
Dave…I’ve actually heard that story before, but it was from someone my boyfriend works with…I wonder if it’s the same ‘mentally challenged’ gnome snatcher.
Yah!! Build me a house and we’ll fucking talk! lol
Seriously, I just wanted to say…”Man, I think the clock is slow”
There seem to be a lot fewer door-to-door solicitors than when I was a youngster. Now we get the occasional Jehovah’s Witness, but they’re easily handled by simply not answering the door. They eventually go away.
The other ones I get are the young people with hard luck stories selling magazine subscriptions. They earn “points” by selling magazines, and they work their way up the hierarchy this way. I can’t say no, so every time one comes to the door, I’ve got Newsweek for another 6 years.
When we were kids, we used to harass solicitors by knocking back at them when they knocked, answering the door in various states of undress, or with clothing on backwards.
My mother did the best one. A photographer was doing the hard sell, and my mom said no thank you and was trying to close the door. The guy was pulling on the door, so my mom decided to push instead of pull, and pushed him off the stoop.
Another way to handle Jehovah’s Witnesses is to say you are an apostate, i.e. one who has left the church. They can not talk to apostates.
Kristen,
You make a good point, but I still don’t think it’s right that they come and knock on the door to try and convert. Most people are born and raised into certain religions and it really offends some people when a stranger knocks on the door to try and tell them otherwise. I personally do not really care, I will just tell them no, but some people take that really offensively.
Just be careful you don’t get Apostate Cancer. You get that from lack of use of your faith bone.
How do they test for Apostate cancer? Does it involve a rectal exam?
And the faith bone….is that what they’re calling it these days?
Perhaps I’ll ask Mr.Man to help strengthen my faith tonight with his?
Right in the Rectory.
Around here, we get those dudes, the Baptists and the Mormons all at the same time. I still think the Mormons look like Nazis when they are dressed in their black trench coats.
A few summers ago, an old Jehovah Witness lady tried ramming some tracts through the side of my ghetto door. She fouled up the foam weather strip that was around the door.
I often see those people at the laundromat. I have noticed they are often driving very expensive cars, and some come walking in wearing very impressive suits.
I once saw one of them, a girl in her 20s, come walking in wearing a short black skirt, and black leather boots.
That I had never seen before.
Kristen,
I see your point but I do think you need to reexamine the methodology of (your?) church. Whether you are aware of it or not, they have a reputation of dogged persistence well past the point of good manners. In the story I related above they were knocking on my door at 8am on a Saturday. Perhaps customs are different where you come from, but where I live unsolicited visits before 9am on a weekend are considered rude. Then take into account the fact that they rang my doorbell multiple times over a period of at least 5 minutes. Again, normal practice for most people is to ring the doorbell once, perhaps twice (unless you are expected), and then move on. On another occasion they came to my father-in-law’s house on Christmas day. I’m well aware that Jehovah’s Witnesses have a different take on Christmas, but to intrude on others on a holiday is simply contemptuous. I’m not the only person to experience this level of “commitment” on behalf of church members, and these are not isolated incidents; similar stories are common.
Furthermore, to come to someone’s home or work and challenge their belief system is intentionally confrontational. When I worked in a lab, members of the local Kingdom Hall were in the habit of stoically standing vigil at the front doors of our building holding a copy of Watchtower. On several occasions they entered the building and distributed copies in the lunchroom and sitting areas. While you may feel this is harmless and within the directives of your religion, stop for a moment and juxtapose the situation with me entering a Kingdom Hall uninvited and scattering copies of Science and Nature around, or standing by the front door holding a copy of Origin of Species. Would such a gesture be welcomed or would I be seen as someone being deliberately provocative?
For the record this should not be viewed as an attack on your religion, but rather a critique of its methodology.
/end rebuttal
Had a JW come to my door in St. Louis on Turkey day with my hand so far up the turkey’s ass I should have bought it dinner, instead of having it for dinner.
I guess holidays are easy because they know people might be home.
TAMMIE- strengthen his faith bone. Hilarious!!!