Hello Surf Reporters! As I’ve mentioned a hundred, possibly even dozens of times, Wednesdays are difficult for me. I have a small writin’ window, even under normal circumstances, but on Wednesdays I have to be at work an hour earlier than normal. So, I often miss those days, and don’t post anything. But this week I have something special for you guys… A hilarious guest post from one of our favorite commenters: T. Farty McAppleass. Enjoy!
I’m an alcoholic. Thank you, thank you (waiting for applause to die down). Now, I’ve been a well known drunk for as long as I can remember. I’m getting a handle on it, mind you, but the drunkenness makes for some stories – true stories. Here we go:
It was a couple of years ago, 2010 as I recall. It was right around Christmas. I got a call from my best friend’s wife, we’ll call her “Carly” (because that’s her name) and she was all excited. “Farty, I need your help. I could use a hand!” To which I replied, “Okay sugartits, what’ll it be?” “I bought Dan (her husband, my friend) a stainless BBQ grill for Christmas. I just need someone to help me pick it up. Can we use your truck?” “I suppose. How long will this take? I’m most of the way drunk and I don’t have time for no bullshit.” (It was only a week before Christmas and I knew everything would be packed.) “We’re just going to Target, for a minute, and that’s all” she pleaded. I finally agreed.
We got to Target and, as predicted, the place was like a whore house on nickel night. I gulped. It was about two or three in the afternoon and my strategy was to just remain quiet and not make an ass of myself. A tall order to be sure.
We made our way to the back of the store and they promptly told Carly that things weren’t as planned. The BBQ grill wasn’t fully assembled, could we wait around a while? SHIT! I decided that I’d just go back to the front of the store and sit at the deli until they had their shit straight. That seemed safe enough. Carly agreed to text me when it was time to get the hell outta Dodge.
The deli was literally packed. And I don’t use the word “literally” like some kind of fucking hipster. I mean it was LITERALLY packed. Wall to wall weirdos and murderers as best I could tell. I purchased three things: a newspaper, a Coke, and a pack of cheese crackers. I went to the last open booth in the place and sat down.
I sipped my Coke and unfolded the newspaper to hide my red drunken face from the riff raff. I’d only been there a minute when someone slid into the seat across from me – a complete stranger. I glanced up at him to size him up. He was clearly a serial killer and had killed recently. He smelled of meat. His hair was all fucked. He hadn’t shaved in days. His clothes were a mess. This guy was chancy and rapey and murdery. He looked at me and didn’t even grunt. Not a word. And I didn’t say a word either (as was my drunken plan). I slipped back behind my newspaper and waited for Carly’s text so I could leave.
So much time passed that I was able to read everything on the page in front of me. Then I heard the crinkle of a wrapper being opened. It threw me off so I looked at stinky killer man to discover that he’d opened my crackers and was munching away on one. He left the molested package in the middle of the table. What the hell? Was he taunting me? This was too damn much! I rolled the paper up and sat it down, then ate one of my crackers. Then he ate another one. Then I ate another one. Back and forth until they were gone. Still, we never said a word to each other. He just stared like a goddamn maniac.
Finally, I got a text telling me that the grill was ready to go. I hopped up and left the trash for stinky to deal with. Once I got to the back of the store and started wheeling the grill out I noticed that it wasn’t moving very well. One of the front wheels was locked. I bent down to unlock the wheel and out of my shirt pocket fell………my package of cheese crackers. I’d eaten half HIS crackers, not the other way around. I haven’t been back to Target since because I know he’ll be there waiting to slit my throat.
Now playing in the bunker
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I love ham!
You cracker eatin” fucks.
Funny as hell.
I too am a member of the PDA (Professional Drunks of America) club.
That was great! Made my afternoon!
You’re a goddamn liar, McAppleass.
Jeez, Jason. Said with such authority. Almost sounds like you were there.
Leave Farty alone!!
Bravo Farty
I heard Douglas Adams tell this exact same story on Merv Griffin.
Glad someone called this out. Douglas Adams (Et. Al.) does a much better job:
http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/cookies.asp
MAHN!
When did Jeff hire fact-checkers?
[Ohhh yeah, when that ONE frequent guest poster back in the day was found to be a plagiarist]
My Favorite Part:
“It was about two or three in the afternoon and my strategy was to just remain quiet and not make an ass of myself.”
Words to live by.
Not make an ass of myself Words to live by….
I wanna party, with Farty!
“YOU GOTTA FIGHT! FOR YOUR RIGHT! TO FAAAAAAAARRTYYYYY”
Yeah… definitely a Douglas Adams story
http://thejumbuckisalmostextinct.com/2009/12/cookies-by-douglas-adams/
“sugartits” LMAO. Sorry all you Mel haters out there, I thought that was frickin’ hilarious.
Excellent post, Farty!
It made me laugh to beat the band.
Too fun! Made my day!
Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the cracker snatcher.
What a twist at the end!
That happened to me, but it was heroin.
I shared them because I knew who you were.
Well-told and funny as hell, even though it was inspired by an actual incident with Joe Biden and a can of Vienna Sausage.
So long and thanks for all the fish!
This story is stolen from another writer. Jeff you need to remove this crap off your site — it’s embarassing for you and the rest of us that it’s up there.
I remember when the owner of the web site “Pass the Cheese” stole Jeff’s Fast Food Review. We all rallied to pressure the plagiarist to remove it.
I’ve had a shitty week to begin with and now this?!?! Dafuq. I buy your t-shirts, your books. Please tell me this is “artistic license”, satire, etc….
Great story! Had a good laugh at that one. Thanks!
Isnt T. Farty one of Jeff’s ‘nom de plume’s?
It wasn’t funny. Weaving that grill shit in didn’t work. And since when is there a deli in front of a Target? Too many fucking distractions to be funny.
Now this is funny:
What’s the worst thing Willie Nelson could tell you after you give him a blowjob?
“I’m not Willie Nelson”
I am wearing my Andrew Jackson face.
Very funny.
Thanks
So next time jeff has a thought to appease you guys he may just say go fuck yourselves.
Yeah really… what? do these kill joys want their money back? It was funny for fuck’s sake people! Lighten the fuck up. As Farty would say “Asshats”
Reminds me of Reddit with all the “repost” whining.
Jeff’s going to be in to “why bother?” mode if they keep this shit up.
I don’t know T… people sometimes…. people…
I’m with you two. I come to this site every day in hopes of something new (even though I know Jeff cannot post everyday) and I’m always disappointed if there’s no new content. Jeff went to the trouble of making sure there was something here, and it was funny. Apparently it wasn’t original, but it was still funny as hell. I appreciate Jeff’s thinking of us when he’s tied up, and I appreciate Farty taking the time. Crap, people, this is free entertainment, don’t fuck it up.
Call me crazy, but with billions of people on this planet (past and present), surely it is likely that somewhere, sometime – two or three different people had a similar experience. Can we not just say, “Good job Farty, thanks for the amusing story”? I will.
I will
Me too.
“Lighten up, Francis!”
AND MY AXE!!!!
Per snopes, many doubt if this is an original tale by Douglas Adams… http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/cookies.asp
If it makes you guys feel any better, I didn’t know who Douglas Adams was and after a little Google time I purchased his book, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
unless you got a compilation, remember, there are four books in the HHG trilogy.
If you like it, give Dirk Jentlys Holistic Detective Agency a read.
Put me in the category of “I enjoyed it and I really don’t give a flying fuck about what all the wannabe fact-checkers have to say about the origins of the story.”
So…Good job, Farty, and thanks for the amusing story.
Well, I’d never heard it before, so it was funnier’n a hairlip eating a candy apple to me.
Well done Farty McApplesauce, err, McAppleass. (yeah, sorry, I always “see” farty applesauce.
As for the critics, you better cite with a link to an older works to back it up. Personally, I think our contributor is a former a dot t’er. There something about the writing style.
Alex.
Good stuff, funny as hell. I don’t care if the story was highjacked from somebody else or not, thanks for sharing.
T. Farty is one of the funniest commentors here, and the post was great. I come here for the funny writin’ and that’s what he gave us. It was a variation on a theme, and a damn good one. Jesus.
Well said.
Thanks. People seem to be angry because they think it was stolen from Douglas Adams. From what I read at Snopes, it didn’t originate with Adams, either. There was a disclaimer in the comments anyhow when Jason called “Farty” a damn liar. It seems surprising that the regulars didn’t pick up on that.
Is telling a joke plagiarism?
For the record:
I just want to say that I enjoyed this post SOOO MUCH that when I saw a mention that it may not be original, I pasted a piece of it into google.
… Because it was soo good! If this is YOUR take of how it all went down, that’s fine with me.