There’s a scene in Annie Hall where Alvy, the Woody Allen character, is shown growing up in a house located underneath a roller coaster. Literally underneath it. In a flashback sequence a man tries to eat soup, and the place shakes so bad as the cars roar past overhead, the spoon is completely empty by the time it reaches his mouth.
And I can almost relate, because I grew up only a few yards from the railroad tracks, where an earth-shaking, howling locomotive would go crashing through several times every day and night, followed by roughly a million coal cars.
Here’s a picture I grabbed off Google Maps, of the old Dunbar homestead. You can see how close the tracks were, to our… lives. And if you followed that street to the end of the block, there was a crossing. So the conductors were required to blast their impossibly loud horns — right outside my bedroom window. Yeah, it was great, especially at 3 am, or whatever.
But it’s also weird. You quickly adapt, and don’t really notice it after a while. We moved there when I was in fifth grade, and during the first two or three weeks I’d sit bolt upright in bed every night, my heart hammering in my chest, believing the world was coming to an end. But within a month I was snoozing through the night again.
Whenever a friend would stay over, they’d almost always wake me up screaming: “Holy shit! What’s happening?! …Mommy!” And I’d sputter, completely confused, “Whut? What’s the matter?!” I couldn’t even hear the trains anymore.
Occasionally something would fall off a shelf and break, or a china cabinet would tip over on my brother, or whatever. But it wasn’t so bad. You learn to live with it, and I can’t remember it being a big deal, at all. Visitors would act like we were crazy, living so close to all that racket. But it was largely a non-issue to me.
In fact, it was kind of fun. We’d put pennies on the tracks, and go retrieve them later. I undoubtedly still have some of those smashed coins, boxed up somewhere. And for many years we threw snowballs at the caboose guy. I don’t know why, but we liked to abuse (aboose?) the caboose guy…. A few times we sent him scrambling for cover, and that made our day.
What was the most challenging place you’ve ever lived? To what nonsense were you required to adapt? Later in life I was forced to adjust to bums sleeping against my apartment door, in Atlanta, and too much junkie business right outside our home.
Do you have any stories to tell on that subject? If so, please use the comments link below.
And it doesn’t really have anything to do with today’s update, but if you look at that Google pic, and follow the railroad tracks all the way to the right edge, you can see the top of a white house. That’s where Steve lived. And now, thirty years later (give or take), we live near each other again in some random part of the country. What are the odds?
Finally, Brad sent me this link earlier in the week. Apparently there was almost a Marlboro-brand beer. Weird, huh? And I’d like to make that the alternate Question of the Day: what other well-known brands could be used to sell completely different products?
Clorox eye drops? Tampax tomato ketchup? Allow your imaginations to run wild in the comments section below.
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Evil Twin t-shirts now only $13!
uno
I used to live very close to an airport runway. I miss the sounds of planes landing and taking off.
I never grew up living in an area that had booming noises or earth-shattering events waking us at all hours, but the home I purchased this year is on a corner of a long street. The other side of the cross street that I’m on the corner of is a large retaining wall because a freeway is right on the other side. So now we can always tell when a large rig goes by because it sounds like a mini-earthquake & everything rattles. But overall it’s not as bad as you’d expect & we like only having one neighbor vs. being wedged between two.
As for products selling different items I think Depends should get creative. That’d be neat.
Depends Fabric Softener
Depends Dentures (fits with the age group!)
Depends Hand Drill
Would the Marlboro Beer have an awful after taste of stale smoke & nicotine? Yarg!
Third? I lived next to railroad tracks for a year, the whole house shook but I got used to it after a few weeks also..
Anyone remember Harley Davidson brand beer? Shudder…
How about Drano branded suppositories for constipation? Pablo Escobar nasal spray? Nike reclining chairs? I dunno…I got nothin’.
We collect the Harley beer cans. Ok…..fix your face…I know you’re surprised…
I can understand collecting them…but drinking that stuff is another story!
I have some railroad pennies that I made back in the day. I know some kids who use to shoot BB guns at the caboose dude.
The street I live on now is pretty much a student party area. So I often hear or see things that are a bit on the annoying side.
When I went back to college in the mid 1980s, I shared a house with a couple friends underneath the north flight approach to Seattle=Tacoma International Airport. Yeah, it was totally annoying for the first week or so, but then my mind and ears totally tuned out the “Spinal Tap, speakers that go to 11” type noise.
My roomie, who owned the house bought it as an investment because she knew that the Seattle Port Authority was buying up houses on the approach end of the airport…and thus, she was dreaming of making Kazzilions of dollars of of her investment.
Unfortunately, in the real estate world, the most important three things are: Location, location, and location. The airport stopped buying houses one block south of her house, but they did go through and install soundproof insulation and windows in her house!
When I was in the Navy i worked on airplanes. We would deploy to various aircraft carriers to project us some power. One of my berthing assignments was on the 03 level between the 3rd and 4th arresting gear wires. That’s right, my “rack” was about 4 feet below controlled aircraft crashes and the arresting gear machinery on each side of me. I could sleep through flight ops but still wake up to my small alarm clock. people can adapt to anything.
hee hee, I said rack
And if you crank your head even further to the right and down three blocks, you can see the house I grew up in and Orth Manor across the street. Maybe if you have double monitors on your computer, you can see it clearly, without all the straining, and shit.
And if you stand on your toes, point your nose at the sky, and look about 100 miles NE you can see the house I grew up in. No train tracks, though.
I’ll see your railroad tracks less than 100 yards behind the house and raise you a power company step-down transformer station between the house & the tracks.
Trains at random times of the day or night, coupled with a continuous 60Hz hum.
On the bright side I could take a fluorescent bulb out into the back yard and have it light up as i got closer to the transformer station.
No, I don’t glow in the dark now, nor do my kids.
See for yourselves http://bit.ly/aYnZXI.
My old house is just to the right of the vacant lot hiding the power station.
Heh, I always wondered if we could fit a pool on the one level part of the back yard. I guess the new owners figured out how…
Damn man…I’m sure if I had grown up in that house my Mom would have threatened to tie me to those tracks if I didn’t stop acting like a rabid monkey in a human suit.
We did the penny on the tracks thing and were warned we could possibly derail the train and end up killing everybody in town. When you’re six or seven your first thought is…. “COOL!”…so I too have a box of those things somewhere.
Back when I worked rotating shifts I moved into an apartment one summer that was around the corner from an elementary school. The first few weeks were great, then the kids went back to school. I would get home around 8:30am, have some breakfast and watch some TV, and just as I would get to sleep an hour or so later they would let the kids outside for recess. The annoying little buggers made a high-pitched noise that went right through me. Fall asleep for another hour, then they went outside at lunch time, for an hour. I would maybe get another hour of sleep before the next recess, and before you knew it they were out for the day. Worst apartment ever.
I used to rent a flat/apartment underneath what I can only assume was an olympic synchronised furniture throwing team. It was a little strange. There was never any arguing or shouting, it just sounded nuts! THUD!! BANG!! (extended pause), THUD!! THUD!!
I remember a girlfriend suggesting that it might be empty and it could just be angry ghosts. That freaked me out a bit, and kinda put the kibosh on that relationship. She was a bit too spooky.
I remember hearing a rumour in the 80’s that Marlboro had bought the rights to sell marijuana cigarettes (I know they have other names before anyone starts!) in the event that it was ever legalised.
‘Marlboro Highs’ ?
My grandparents used to live in Rahns, PA which is near Philly. A big victorian house right next to a fire station. When we stayed there I always slept in the bedroom facing the station. That fire alarm/whistle would go off in the middle of the night and send me through the roof. Jeezus! And it didn’t just go off once. Just when my heart crawled up from outta my whoo-ha it would go off again.
I now live across from railroad tracks but a acre or two of wooded land separates us. We still hear the train whistle howl at night in the distance but I actually love to hear it. It’s kind of comforting.
As far as products:
Ajax Skin Exfoliant
Bic Ball Point Condoms
Dr. Scholl’s Hair Spray
I guess I didn’t really live there, but I stayed in Germany for two weeks once. I stayed in a room that shared a wall, which was apparently a painted sheet, with a couple whom would conduct savage nightly crotch poundings. I mean it was no-shit brutal sounding.
Not just moans and groans, usually, but not always just that. Sometime I would hear the distinct sound of a soppy wet meat hole getting full on slapped. Or the unmistakable “thup” of a man-bag getting knuckle dusted, followed by something that sounded like dry heaving. They went at it every stinkin’ night. Either voice would occasionally mention something about something being too deep. I eventually stopped noticing.
Sometimes I would join in from my room and beat against the wall yelling at them to stop until I fell asleep. It never worked.
It was awesome running into them in the hall.
Other than that, and other horrible hotel stays, I never really lived in such a place. If anybody thinks the railroads are dead, spend a night in Gallup New Mexico.
Sorry we made so much noise. We told you to just turn up the techno.
Turn up the techno. Classic !
You were still WALKING after that? Atta girl!!
WOO-HOO!
-My apartment in upstate NY was situated next to train tracks. If the train would have come at regular intervals I might have become accustomed to the noise, rattling, and ear-splitting horn, but it didn’t. Below my apartment was Asshat, who often blasted Rod Stewart at high decibel levels and had frequent rough animal sex with his common law wife. Fucker. Never got used to that.
-I had two apartments in a row where the neighbors had an ugly breakup and in the aftermath I was treated to inconsolable wailing and constant break-up music for a month or two. The worst was the chick who played Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” on a loop. Never got used to that either.
-My house in Ohio was haunted. I’ve detailed that here before. I never grew accustomed to the constant feeling of being watched nor the general poltergeist-ing (doorknob rattling, footsteps, etc.). I’ve heard of some people who can tune shit like that out or make light of it. They must be made of tougher stuff than I.
-Currently I live under a reasonably well traveled flight path. And the airport isn’t very far away so the planes can be low at times. I did eventually get used to the sound and don’t really notice them anymore. But the neighbor who seriously loves his leaf blower is another story.
I lived near Firestation #9. Services a large hospital, a seniors home and a pile of strip malls. Sirens and horns at all hours of the night. I miss hearing that. It would lull me off to sleep.
Now, I’ve got tracks close enough to me to hear the train horn, but they only sound if some retard is walking or stopped on the tracks, so every once in a while you hear a very long succession of blasts.
Ajax Skin Lotion.
Ajax mouth wash.
Cascade Shampoo.
When we lived in an apartment in South Charleston the railroad tracks were situated at the end of our parking lot, which was literally about 20 yards away from our bedroom window. We got used to their regular schedules. One would pass every morning at 4am, vibrating everything in our aprtment and shaking the lamps and such.
When I was stationed in the Air Force I lived in base housing that was situated right behind our F-15 flight line, so I heard jets starting, taking off and landing at all hours of the night. After a point I got so accustomed to hearing them that I eventually grew to love the sound. I still love jet noise.
Tabasco Feminine Spray.
Trojan lip gloss.
Hee hee, I got a visual!
Birdsye Bird Eyes
BP Bottled Water
Band-Aid brand Cuttery
Version Semaphore Division
M&M/Mars Urethra Salve
Johnson&Johnson Dick Pump
Xerox Toilet Seats
Jelly Belly sprial sliced ham(god how i hate spiral sliced ham)
McCormic Lemon Pepper Defense Spray
Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse Fairly Priced Food-Mart
Play-dough brand severed heads
Carmex Motor Empresa
BlendTec Social Networking
Hustler Sportswear
Spandex brand Wedding Supply
Bed, Bath, and Beyond Hotel & Brothel
Eggo Trust and Loan
Blue Cross and Blue Shield Ironworks
Sam Walton hand crafted, jewel encrusted time pieces
Metal Blade Lawn Equipment
Louisville Slugs & Worms Bait Industries Inc.
Killz Murder Bags
Pillsbury Cyanide Capsules
John Deere Bikini Line Trimmer
Martha Stewart Paper Shredder
In my never-ending search for what makes me spit up, I have to note this…
“girlfriend” would have been funny…”wife” would have been funny…”common law wife” is a spit take. I wish I knew why.
still searching…
jtb
I don’t think I’ve ever lived anywhere too noisy. Main St. in Cincy was kind of a bitch since that was when Main St was hopping and not the ghost town it is now, but I was in college and subject to the same shenanigans.
I once lived under a couple who had jack russel terriers that would bark constantly, but one complaint to apt. management fixed that.
My mom’s grandma used to live by some RR tracks in Norwood, OH and as a kid I loved trains. One time when I was 4 I ran down to watch the train and literally shit my pants. Not because I was scared, but because as a 4 yr old train enthusiast shitty pants were worth seeing an awesome train.
I only shit my pants now if I see a midget. Or two midgets.
And I bet this guy shit his pants when things went awry:
http://cincinnati.com/blogs/noreally/2010/10/27/prosecutor-teenager-picked-wrong-transvestite-prostitute-to-rob/
HAHAHAHA! I’m trying to imagine the cops faces as they rolled up on that scene.
Jack Black Black Jack Gum
Bernie Madoff’s Fake Rolex Collection
heh, that reminds me that my dad was in Cairo (yes, the place in Egypt) last month. He bought a real Rolex watch for only $5. I’m sure it’s real, the salesman in the jewelry pawn store said it was.
Taco Bell brand Toilet Paper
Morton brand Defibrilators
Marie Calendar Magnetic Poetry
Korg brand Earplugs
Lane Bryant brand Ice Cream
Pilot brand Tampons
Magnets
By the way, Jeff…Chuck, WB and I thank you for the Annie Hall plug. I dislike speaking for others, but I feel I’m on firm ground here. On the other hand, my house sits right where the Ring of Fire intersects a Seismic Zone Five fault line.
jtb
Me and Ben’s first apartment was right next to the railroad tracks…I mean, there was literally a tiny 5 car parking lot and a few small trees separating our building from the tracks. One day, a metra train got stuck on the tracks so our friend pulled down his pants and mooned the passengers with a beer in his hand until he fell over from having his pants half-mast.
It was funny. Now our house is down the street from our apartment, so we still have a nice loud horn blaring in our windows in the summer. We’ve learned to live with it.
Thanks for the trackback on the Marlboro Beer.
chris, foodiggity.com
Gretchen, can you please say “rough animal sex” again for me?
When we lived in an apartment, Jabba the Hutt who lived a few doors down would sit in his shorts on the couch with the door open while he smoked big ass stogies…
We went camping “up north”. The park was near a bend in the rail road tracks. Between the rumble, the vibrations, the squealing it was hard to sleep (but that was just the sex)…. the train horn throughout the night was just overkill. I’d wake up thinking the train was actually coming through the flap of the tent at any moment.
coming…he he
Ok. It was a toss up between which was worse, the rough animal sex or the Rod Stewart. Eventually the sounds sort of mingled and merged together and became one, so that my inescapable mental image was of Rod Stewart rutting the unfortunate common law wife on a broke down bed, her head bonking repeatedly against the faux wood paneling. Maybe that was her mental image too, who knows.
That reminds me of a joke I heard when I was 7 or 8.
A little boy walks into his parents room while they’re having sex and the man quickly rolls off.
The kid climbs into bed and looks at his naked mom and points at her boobs and asks what those are.
She says “those are my headlights, son”.
He then sees dad’s wang and asks what that is.
He says “that’s my train, son”.
The kid tosses and turns but still can’t sleep and eventually sees his mom’s delicate flower and asks “what’s that?”.
She says “that’s my tunnel”.
Satisfied the kid finally falls asleep.
Mom and dad were still feeling frisky so once they think he’s out the get back into position.
The kid wakes up and yells “Mom! Turn on your headlights! Dad’s train is headed for your tunnel!”.
It was much funnier at 7.
We were a railroad family way back. Great-grandmother lived next to tracks and my aunt put blasting caps on the rails one time. They were used to warn and stop trains in an emergency. The engineer had the pleasure of spanking her for that trick. Before they closed and removed the rails for a Pa Rails to Trails project we were about as close as you were Jeff. Got to the point I couldn’t get to sleep til I heard the 11PM train go through. Now we just have to put up with the neighborhood drug houses. When they’re not partying, they’re fighting.
Our current home is near the Redstone Arsenal and it took a couple of weeks to get used to the bombs going off. Now we literally don’t notice them. However, the chinook helicopters coming over still scare the shit outta me. They shake the walls and windows. The first time they came over I thought I was having a fucking cardiac arrest. They’re not on a descirnable schedule, so they remain a nice little “surprise” at 2am.
That is all, at this time.
Johnson and Johnson (a family company) – Fuck Me Pumps
Texaco – Assisted Suicide Drips
Kraft – Adult Novelties
Apple – Baboon and Pig Heart Transplants
Velveeta – Realistic Asian Pocket Vaginas
Waterford – Puke Mugs
Those velveeta sauce packets are already pocket vaginas.
You can’t fuck sauce. Get with the times, Pops.
On a side note, “Fuck Sauce” is a great name for a band.
Gretchen, you’re brilliant!
Thanks, Greg. Mi familia would beg to differ but they can go fuck sauce.
…funny enough…Fuck Sauce was my stripper name when I was putting myself through college…
LOL. Don’t double dip!
Since it is Velveeta is it Fucking Cheese or not?
You’re on a roll Gretchen.
You can too fuck sauce.
In fact that’s what I call the after sex leavin’s. And just like italian you can have a red and a white sauce but it’s all clam.
No…it’s all in how hard you shuck it… HAHAHA!
What do they call the clam juice? Is it liquor or lick-her, I forget. And it may depend on which part of the country you’re from. Taste like the ocean, or so they say.
hehe Texaco, the ED medication. “Lube her up”
I used to work for the railroad. There was this guy just west of Dubar that would come out all hours of the day and night just to flip us off. It was the highlight of the trip and in the three years I worked that division, he never missed us. One night he was in the backyard full-on plowin’ his old lady right up against the fence while flipping us the finger. The Conductor looked at me and sighed saying, “man, some guys have all the luck…”
In Oklahoma, I lived at Ft Sill right off a range. I remember putting tape on the windows so when they broke, the glass wouldn’t rain down on the couch. After a while, you didn’t even notice.
When I was 9-12, we lived in So. Chas., in the woods at the very end of Montrose Drive and the main thing we had to get used to was snakes. I saw more copperheads in those 3 years than any other kind of snake anywhere else. It was quiet, though – no trains roaring by.
My worst was living with my ex husband (who refused to move until the divorce was final). The cops wouldn’t do anything about it even though he was off the lease and basically just squatting. God bless Texas.
I too lived near both RR tracks and I-90 turnpike in Toledo. When I moved to Texas, I missed the noise! Now I live on a busier street so I actually feel comforted by hearing cars go by at night. Weird.
When I was a kid, we lived 12 feet from the subway tracks. We got used to it in maybe 3 weeks… http://tinyurl.com/27sz5gp The wall looks much friendlier now than it did then; the Smith St. side has the “old” look.
Microsoft body armor, International Harvester sex toys, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee hemorrhoid cream
.
I live near a post office in a mostly residential section . Every morning around four am there is a LOUD bang which sounds like a huge piece of metal hitting the concrete . I am usually awake so I am not too bothered but most people are asleep and I am sure it pisses people off. I suppose it is a delivery truck picking up or dropping off mail. I guess nobody complains , Lord knows we can’t have anyone going postal on us. Plus who would deliver all the junk mail.
I was pretty much a city girl up until I turned 18. I was used to the night sounds of traffic, sirens, trains, airplanes, and occasional people hollering at each other. My parents moved to a very, very rural area of WV. It was the silence that was deafening. An occasional moo was it. I couldn’t sleep with all that quiet. Drove me crazy.
Come on guys did no one say Drano laxative?
I guess make that Draino
Marshall hearing aids
Playskool breast implants
John Deere beer
Smith & Wesson infant care items (bottles, nipples)
heh, I said nipples!
oh, and Union Carbide coffee.
Reminds me of a Jr. High joke-
Who killed more Indians than Custer? Union Carbide!