About two weeks ago Toney bought a weird pizza from a weird pizza shop. It’s not even a real shop, in fact. As I understand it, it’s actually a high-falutin’ catering service that sells “gourmet” pies to the general public three or four evenings per month.
It’s one of those word-of-mouth “greatest pizza ever” but only for people in the know kinds of situations…
So she bought something called a shrimp scampi pizza (for roughly a million dollars), and it was just about the stankiest thing I’ve ever encountered. She and the Secrets went to town on that thing, but I couldn’t even be in the same room with it.
Blecch. It smelled like a panhandler who used to hang around the parking lot of Tortilla’s in Atlanta: “Give me a dollar and I’ll take my bustling, living crotch and pits all the way over there…”
They gobbled-down most of Satan’s pizza pie, then stuck the remaining third of it in the fridge. And every time I opened the door on that thing, I was slugged in the gut by the funk again. My jaw fully-retracted three or four times per day for upwards of a week, which is, I believe, a new non-flu record.
Thankfully the pizza is long-gone by now, but I swear I can still smell it. Not full-strength, but just a hint, way off in the background. Ya know? Toney tells me I’m crazy, but I know what I know.
When we moved to Pennsylvania we must’ve looked at a hundred different houses for sale, and one of them was really nice, but smelled like the owners were boiling a groundhog, or something.
The stank in that place was strange and gamy, and clung to my nose hairs for a week. And even though we liked the house, it was immediately off our list. The smell poisoned everything for us. Even today, almost ten years later, one of us always says, “Remember how that house smelled?” whenever we drive past it.
One of my grandmothers used to live in a house that always smelled musty and old, sorta like gardening mulch. It was something to do with the house, because when she moved the stink didn’t go with her. Probably some kind of ancient moisture problem…
And when I was a kid there was a Cuban family in our neighborhood whose house always smelled like food, but not the kind of food I was accustomed to. Everybody else’s place smelled like pork chops, fried potatoes, and pinto beans. But at the Cuban house it was something wildly exotic, at least for 1972 West Virginia. Yeah, who the hell knows?
Do you know anyone who lives in a house or apartment with a distinctive smell? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a stink (although those are the best stories), just any kind of odor you associate with the place…
Use the comments section to tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’ll be back tomorrow, with a full-length Topic Dump to close out the category.
See ya then!
Evidently, my house smells like my perfume (Angel) because every time I go up north to see my Hillbilly Kin, when they hug me one of them invariably says “You smell like San Francisco”.
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
When she lived at home my sister in-law (Lump) had a hamster and her room had that urine-soaked wood chip smell that seems to permeate any home that keeps rodents for pets. When my wife and I got our first place together Lump joined us. I immediately vetoed the hamster, but that pissy wood chip smell followed her. Over time it got better (or I got used to it), but never quite went away so I just figured Lump had an incontinence problem. When she finally moved out (we call it our Lumpectomy), the smell went with her never to return. When I see her these days I try not to smell her.
Pet odor is a bitch to get out. I manage a lot of rental units and it’s a constant problem. Both cat piss and “wet dog” funk are almost impossible to get out. The only solution is to remove the carpets (cleaning won’t work in most cases), seal the subfloors with a primer sealer like Bin123 and re-carpet.
I was on the Board of a condo when we had a major pet disaster: The owners of a unit on the third floor rented to a woman with mental health issues. She apparently had a lot of cats (over 10) and after a few months you could smell piss in the hall outside her unit. We told the owners of the unit, but for whatever reason they did nothing. Over the Christmas holidays the tenant went away but left the balcony door open for the cats to go out outside. We had a brutal cold snap one night and the pipes froze because of the open door. The next day it warmed up, thawing the pipes (which had burst) flooding the unit and the two apartments below with piss and shit infused water. When al was said and done we had to completely gut all three units and parts of the hallway. Insurance covered approximately $350,000 include restoration and repairs due to the water and keeping the residents in the lower units in a hotel for approximately 3 months. Insurance would not cover damage due to odor, so the unit owners were billed close to $200,000 which they had to pay out of their own pockets. The tenant had apparently been storing trays of cat shit in the unit for months and there were at least two cats killed prior to the flood, and several killed during the flood. In the end I believe she was institutionalized and will likely never be able to reimburse her landlords.
Pickles is back?!?!
Shiny Rod says
@ Tyrosine – I am bowing to you dude, that had to have been a most rank smell of gastronomic proportions. That sucked big time having to come out of pocket for 200K.
Taiwan On says
@AWG – welcome back.
@Adam – (dot, not feather) – simply excellent
I have a “condition” of some sorts that prevents me from smelling just about anything. So no smell stories. If my place has a stank funk, then it’s just gonna have to funk itself.
As for stoopid pizzas, well, there is an ISA standard that defines what can and what cannot be put on a pizza. And shrimp scampi is not on the list of acceptable pizza toppings.
Canning my own sauerkraut today from cabbage straight from my garden. The house is pretty rank at the moment. It doesn’t help that I made egg salad for lunch either.
Taiwan On says
@Brynhildr – You lived in a small town in Taiwan? I am shocked. If you don’t mind, send more details.
The small town where I spend weekdays does not have any pig farms or binjos. It may smell but I’m not sure becuz of my “condition”. However, on Monday night and Friday night, when they have Night Market, I certainly can smell the Stink Tofu.
Taiwan On — If you can’t smell anything, you’re missing half the experience of living in Taiwan. (btw – my mother had sinus surgery and lost her sense of smell. She can still smell the worst of odors, but only when they’re so bad that everyone else is gagging.) I lived in Yuanlin outside Taichung in the early 90’s. I don’t mind stinky tofu but I won’t eat it if given the choice. There are so many other (tastier) things to eat at the night market.
When my wife and I decided to begin looking for a house in our particular neighborhood six years ago, we toured a house nearly identical to the one we now own.
It belonged to an Indian (dot) doctor, and had been on the market for like a year. It reeked of Indian food spices. My wife walked in and back out in about 2 seconds.
Keep in mind that this house was priced at something like $160K in a $240K development, was spotlessly clean, and the outdoor landscaping was impeccable, plus it had a pool and a kick-ass custom built garden shed about 14×30 feet. Several times, I told my wife that we could have the entire interior repainted and recarpeted, the odor would be gone, and we could save something like $60K after renovations. Wife says no dice. Of course, I end up paying full boat for a house 2 blocks away with no pool and a shit-ass 10 x 10 Sears shed that is ready to collapse.
A few months later, two real estate guys buy Indian house for some insane number like $140K, paint it, recarpet it, and flip it for $250K.
By the way, my wife is a full blown pain in the ass, and I do not listen to her any more, ever.
You REALLY DO hate the smell of shrimp!
The scampi smell was garlic that was busting your chops.
I cannot imagine the bliss of a shrimp scampi pizza.
A cool mil? Really?
Avon pink bottle bubble bath
takes me back to 131st street.
They never changed the smell.
White Trash Barbie says
Back in the early 90’s I was helping a boyfriend look for an apartment. One we looked at was really cute, but it had a terrible smell.
I don’t have a very good sense of smell, so I couldn’t really place it. The apartment lady said the previous tenants had cats and the carpet would be cleaned before the unit was leased.
When we left the boyfriend looked at me and said, “That wasn’t cat smell.”
As it turns out it was the site of quite the grisly murder, and the smell was the lingering funk of decomposing body.
**Disclaimer** The body was not still there when we looked at the apartment. Just the smell.
Oh yeah. Dead body is a bad one. I was staying with a girl in Cincy and in her apt building some guy autoerotic asphyxiated himself in august (hottest month of the year, not a friend of dead bodies). I forget how long he was in there, but it was long enough they couldn’t tell what gender he was. Bleah.
White Trash Barbie says
@ t-storm – How long ago was the Cincy incident? This is random and weird, but I knew a guy who was living in Cincy, died in his apartment in the same fashion and wasn’t found for a while.
@ WTB It was let’s see, Summer of ’96 on Ohio St. near campus if that helps.
Talking of stiffs! (Cmon Jason I know you can’t resist!) young bride to be & I desperately looking for something better than the two bedroom bungalow on the wrong side of the tracks that we could actually afford were shown this gorgeous house in the ritzy part of town WTF? real estate agent say’s “buyer really motivated” this was taking too good to be true right off the scales! only downside a huge “wine stain” on the carpet in the master bedroom No biggie! Sold! untill we find out from our lawyer at closing Hubbie comes home finds wifie in bed with his best friend & creatively creates winestain with a shotgun! needless to say our first love nest was a crappy bungalow on the wrongside of the tracks!
White Trash Barbie says
@ t-storm – Nope, not the same guy. Hmmm… I wonder how often this sort of thing happens. Maybe someone should do a public service announcement.
@Pagan – Bargain or no, there is something to be said for not starting your married life out with a daily reminder of how badly things can go.
I once agreed to feed a neighbor’s cocker spaniels while she was out of town. Holy crap, I was in there for only five minutes at a time, just long enough to pour the kibble for those poor critters, but that place stank so bad of doggie urine that the odor got onto my skin. I could smell it on myself hours later. The neighbor was profoundly depressed. I wonder which came first, the cocker-spaniel stank or the depression?
When I was a child, it rained one Easter and my brother and I decided to hide eggs in the house. We didn’t find all of them… until later. At least a week later. I found one in the pocket of my raincoat in the closet. That was a legendary stank.
BTW, if you’re cooking cabbage, put a couple of slices of bread over it. The bread will absord the odor. It’s a good thing to have a “house that smells like nothing,” as Jason said.
I meant, the bread will ABSORB the odor. Sorry, guys; the English major in me hates it when I do that.
Shiny Rod says
@ Brynhildr – You so had me at canning sauerkraut but egg salad took it over the top. I am so in love. Wait a minute, oh here it is.
Will you marry me?
Eh, joking unless of course!!!
Taiwan On says
@ Brynhildr – My wife is from Taichung (the “old” downtown section). I go there quite often, but to my knowledge I have never been to Yuanlin.
You are right, I am missing out on some Taiwan sensations. But in a good way. Thanks for the update.
Let’s move on before Shiny Rod decides to can his sauerkraut…
Shiny Rod says
Taiwan On – Consume yes, can no. Every country I visited: Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Hong Kong, Okinawa, Japan, Korea, Guam, man the list is long. I just loved the aromas, except for that stank, nasty smelling Durain. The curries and spices from the open air markets was just a treat to my senses, maybe not to other people.
Rat Bastard says
There was a mentally deranged Cat Lady in the town my fiancee and I grew up in. We’re talking 20+ cats and the woman had extremely body odor, if you could call it that. More like “decomposing body” odor. Word on the street was that at some point her family had a new bathtub put in her house and the guy who installed it kept throwing up while he was doing the install that’s how bad the house smelled. Fast forward to 2 years later, the woman went completely batshit or died, I can’t remember, and the family had to go to her house to get rid of all her belongings. They noticed that the sticky manufacturer’s label that was in the bottom of the tub when it was installed was still intact meaning that Cat Lady hadn’t bathed in at least 2 years. I was in the local grocery store once when she came in, and you could smell her before you saw her. Truly horrific.
the man in the office next to me smells of dirty hair and cigarettes i cannot stand to open his door.
My babysitter is Tai and her house, and my child upon coming home, smells of fried food all the time. it is very weird.
Pickles the Clown says
@ Adam – I’ve been here everyday. Just no time to comment. Face book is a time theif!
Everybodies houses have their own scent. Grandparents house had an old people scent, but it wasn’t decay or poop (usually!)… made me think of the 50s for some reason. (I was born in 75 so go figure). Aunts house was cookies and old furniture.
Some ‘eras’ have a smell for me. I smelled something that reminded me of my college boyfriend the other day and all kinds of memories came flooding back. For the record his scent was clean guy, mild deodorant, lubriderm lotion…nice. Too bad he was a tool.
Last year I got stuck in university housing with a guy who refused to bathe more than once a week. Nearly everyone who came over to my place later confided in me that “no offense, but your apartment really stinks”. Fantastic.
Durain is delicious but you must plug your nose the first time you try it. It’s one of those foods like haggis and 1000 year old eggs that makes you wonder who tried it first and how desperate were they?
Smells have a way of bringing back memories. I used to date this girl that moved away to Canada. I don’t know what kind of perfume she wore, but I liked it. The other day I was standing in line at the gas station and this woman walked in wearing the same perfume. I haven’t thought about it in about 15 years. But all the memories came flooding back. And good Lord, I wanted to flip that lady over and eat her with a pudding spoon. But I didn’t. But I wanted to.
My apartment smells like black raspberry vanilla Wallflowers from Bath & Body Works. Apparently that smell follows me around.
I went on a little vacation a couple weeks ago and had to bring my lovely CPAP (I have sleep apnea). When I hooked it up in the hotel room and turned it on, the air that was coming out of it smelled like black raspberry vanilla.
First night I used it when I got home, it smelled like hotel room.
For those who don’t know what a CPAP is:
Shiny Rod says
@ Tyrosine – I’ve had haggis, balut, and a whole host of things but durian, it’s just so wrong. I mean you expect something like that to taste like it smells. The name durian just rolls off your lips and you don’t think about pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock. Haggis taste like it sounds. Balut taste like its sounds.
Now playing on the iPod – “The Prayer” – Bob James/Kirk Whalum
Wow, that CPAP device seems like fun. I don’t know if I have sleep apnea, but if I do I’ll just live with it….
I’ve been using it for almost 3 years now. It took me a good 3-4 months to get used to, but now I can’t fall asleep without it.
I look totally retarded with it on though….more so than usual 🙂
Blorch’s story reminded me of good prank. A few years ago a friend of mine had a roommate who always let her boyfriend stay over. The two were apparently like bunnies in heat and my friend couldn’t sleep from the constant banging of the head board etc. All she wanted was for them to stay over at the boyfriend’s place a few nights a week so she could get some peace. To help her out I lifted some beta mercaptoethanol from the lab. Beta mercaptoethanol is a chemical with an extremely strong rotten egg smell. Its the stuff they add to natural gas so you know when there’s a leak, and a little bit goes a long way. I put a few drops in the roommate’s bedding and sure enough Josie didn’t see them for a week.
Pickles the Clown says
My wife says I look and sound like Darth Vader in my CPAP. She now sleeps on the couch. It’s just white noise to me. I can’t sleep without it either
Well, the bright side is that if you ever want to hook up with someone all you need to do is go to a sci-fi convention and the Star Wars fanboys will be all over you. 😀
Goddammit Pickles! You beat me to the Darth Vader joke!
Pickles the Clown says
It’s no joke. She really says that. I prefer to think of myself as Ice Man in Top Gun when I have it on. Talk to me Goose. ( I know that’s maverick) I’m too tall to pretend I’m Tom Cruise
The Disco Kroger is in Buckhead on Piedmont just north of the intersection with Peachtree. It was so named because the famous ’70s Disco, The Limelight, used to be in the same strip mall.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
While we’re on the topic of back hickies, I’ve got a few of them right now that you just wouldn’t believe. I mean the size and color of these beauties would bring tears to your eyes. I wish you were here to see ’em!
As for house stank, just get NEAR a house/apartment where chitlins are bein’ cooked inside. You’ll wish you hadn’t. That smell will gag a damn maggot on a gut wagon.
Disco Kroger hasn’t been around for about 3 years. It’s some upscale, Fresh Market pretentious type store now.