My streak, I’m happy to report, is intact. After arriving at work last night I experienced a few sweaty-forehead, white-knuckle moments. But I rode them out, and the poop-pains eventually got bored and started tormenting someone else, I guess.
But I have to admit… it was a close call. I was walking around on my tip-toes for a while, and twitching like somebody was threatening to shoot me with a rubber band.
Thankfully, however, my time spent studying with Miyagi paid-off. Sure, a few of my co-workers seemed a little confused when I assumed the swan stance in the large break room… But you can’t argue with success, almost thirty years of success.
I don’t like to brag, but I am now able to catch flies in mid-air with my sphincter. It’s true. And I use my powers for good, never evil.
I was informed this morning, via handwritten note propped against the coffee pot, that I’d be picking up the older Secret at school in the afternoon, and taking him to an orthodontist appointment.
Damn, man… How often does he need to go to that place? It feels like I’m taking him two or three times per month. And I’m not the only person who does it.
I thought I’d given myself plenty of time, but we were running late and I was growlin’ ‘n’ mutterin’. I knew the dentist’s office wouldn’t care, they run kids through there like a cattle drive, but I don’t like to be late for appointments. It’s a sign of… something bad.
So I was pushing it with the acceleration, driving way too fast through a notorious speed-trap. Nothing happened though, until I was well past the cops’ best-known hiding places. That’s when traffic came to an abrupt stop, and I almost went straight up the poop-chute of a BMW.
What the hell?? My hand went whipping through my hair, and I started sighing and wiggling in my seat. This wasn’t going well, not at all. Eventually I just put the car in PARK.
And, after about ten minutes of this nonsense, we crept far enough forward to see what was causing the problem. The right lane was coned-off for a few dozen yards, and four men were – get this – painting a white arrow on the asphalt.
It’s a well-traveled road, straight and level. It’s not a complicated affair; there are no transitions or other roads feeding into it, or anything of the sort. You just get on it and drive, fergodsakes.
So why the need for an arrow? Most people know how to operate a two-lane road, I’m almost certain of it. I don’t often hear of folks driving straight down a street, suddenly getting confused, and whipping the wheel to the right. Do you?
And why four guys? One was on his knees painting, and the other three were apparently supervisors, or possibly consultants. Or maybe they’d been sent by another town, to witness a true arrow-painting master at work. I don’t know, but they delayed us big-time.
And I’m still a little whipped-up about it, if you want to know the truth.
At work last night a woman mentioned that she’d made lemon tarts earlier in the day. And when I heard the words “lemon tarts,” I got a weird feeling in my jaw, way back near the latches. Know what I mean? Are you familiar with this lemon jaw-latch sensation?
I get a similar feeling in my crotch, whenever it seems there’s a chance I might fall from a substantial height. Like walking across a tall bridge, or looking over the edge of a cliff. Or even when I’m watching a movie, and a character’s hanging off the side of a skyscraper, or something.
I’m not really a fan of either feeling, and wonder what causes ‘em? Weird, man.
I feel like I’m a man of many excuses these days, but today’s been a challenge. I’ll leave you now with a Question I’m surprised we haven’t pondered before… In the comments section, please tell us your all-time favorite album titles. The albums themselves don’t necessarily have to be any good, I’m talking about the titles only.
Here are a few, off the top of my head:
Love Songs for the Hearing Impaired by Dan Baird
You Bought It, You Name It by Joe Walsh
You Can Tune a Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish by REO Speedwagon
Songs About Fucking by Big Black
A Nod is As Good As a Wink to a Blind Horse by Faces
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass by Yo La Tengo
There are plenty of other great ones. Help me out with it, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys on Monday, or maybe Sunday. We’ll see how it goes…
Have a great weekend, my friends.
Even if the album isn’t the greatest, and I’m an atheist, this title pretty much sums up my life:
Electric Eels — “God Says Fuck You”
T. Farty.
Thanks for adding a new work to my vocabulary: sascrotch.
Atomic Rooster – “Nice and Greasy”
Jackson Browne – “The Naked Ride Home”
Faster Pussy Cat – “The Power and the Glory Hole”
April Wine – “Harder … Faster”
Firefall – “Luna Sea”
Funkadelic – “Free Your Mind…And Your Ass Will Follow”
“Don’t You Fake It” The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Jeff-I just don’t get it. Taking a dump at work is like a mini paid vacation. Remember what grandpappy told me, “never shit at home and never sweat at work”.
Klinefelter by Clockhammer
Rockin’ The Suburbs by Ben Folds
Hooray for Boobies and One Fierce Beer Coaster by Bloodhound Gang
Blood on the Slacks by Golden Smog
Shootenanny! by the Eels
Damn near anything from Guided By Voices
Hot Buttered Soul by Isaac Hayes
Steam Powered Aeroplane by John Hartford
An Ass Pocket of Whiskey by R.L. Burnside
Emperor Tomato Ketchup and The Groop Played “Space Age Bachelor Pad Music” by Stereolab
Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia by the Dandy Warhols
Great update, Jeff! Funny stuff.
Thanks, WTB! appreciate it 😉
@ flamingomom, I wanted to add SCOTS!
Aqua Velvets – Backflip Louie And The Pool Party Pagans
Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention – Burnt Weeny Sandwich
Miles Davis – Bitches Brew
The Rolling Stones – Sticky Fingers
Sparks – A Woofer in Tweeter’s Clothing
I put my underwear on backwards this morning, dammit.
The only one that readily came to mind was “In Your Face” by the group ‘Kingdom Come’.
(Get it? Kingdom “Come in your face”?)
ba-doop-shee
P.S. That’s a real group and their real album title.
“Spanish, With Yellow English Subtitles” Simon Feck
Better late than never:
Fizzy, Fuzzy, Big and Buzzy – The Refreshments
What Once Were Habits Are Now Vices – The Doobie Brothers
here’s just a few while scrolling through my ipod…
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robbots -flaming lips
Hit to Death in the Future Head- flaming lips
Bitches Brew – miles davis
Free Your Mind and Your Ass Will Follow- parliament
Guns Babes Lemonade – muscles
Pronounced Leh-nerd Skin-nerd -lynyrd skynyrd
The Rolling Stones: Goats Head Soup.
Jeff, simple trick. Bring a different pair of shoes to work. Then, whenn your bowels feel like they’re going to explode a manwich volcano, change shoes and nobody will ever guess they’re your feet under ths stall. “Why, that can’t be Jeff peeling the paint in here, he’d NEVER wear those wingtips”.
I just recieved this in an email and since it is a slow news day thought I’d cut and paste it here. We tend to be a little rough on ourselves when we post and misspell a word, well never fear the smartest among us know what you mean!
More Brain Stuff . . From Cambridge University .
Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on
Bad Album titles, along with the Bad Album Covers
http://dkpresents.wordpress.com/2009/03/04/a-dozen-lousy-album-titles/
Everybody drink some beers, goddammit! This is the bullshit! Do it! Doooo eeeeetttt!
Woo!
Have a great weekend and whatnot. Take care out there.
Rgiht on Jsaon, one hour and ten minutes to ice cold goodness!!! WOO! HOO! Fucking weekend baby! Rock out with your cock out!
t-storm, its Gary MacLean & Blair Maclean, brothers, A former (they are both dead now) Canadian comedy duo.
http://i36.tinypic.com/rco7x2.jpg
Bitter Reality (my favorite album of the lot). theres also;
Toilet Rock.
Maclean & Maclean Suck Their Way to the Top.
Take the ‘O’ out of Country.
Cruel Cuts
Goto Hell
And theres some compilations and redone albums.
Rockin out with my cock out. Yesssssss!
Here’s a new song to replace “Major Tom”, get this one stuck in your head. It’s not such a bad thing.
Everybody’s talking at me.
I don’t hear a word they’re saying,
Only the echoes of my mind.
People stopping staring,
I can’t see their faces,
Only the shadows of their eyes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AzEY6ZqkuE
I’m thinking assuming a fake identity here on the Rapport. I think we should pronounce the R in WVSR like Colbert does on his excellent news program.
I think I may have to name myself “Shirtless in Cincinnati.” Has Maestro indicated when he will send the Oops’? Did mine get lost in the Mail. I just wiped a tear, and feel many more coming.
Best band name, and not a bad band was “Sweaty Nipples.” They were a small-caliber venue kind of band, but quite fun. They had a person of size whose nipples in fact got sweaty. It was Seattle during the Grunge Era. Colbain had not yet made that tragic error. “Sweaty Nipples.”
wax on wax off!
Goin where the sun keeps shining through the pouring rain!
Albums to treasure: Disraeli Gears! Captain Fantastic & the Brown dirt cowboy! and my alltime favourite: Chocolate starfish and the hotdog flavored water!
Hoo nu du piple at Cambridge skuel cud rite sow gud!!
Hairway to Steven- Butthole Surfers
I’m back from Mallorca, and would heartily agree with the get rid of mosquitos vibe from last week. They really do suck, (?).
I still read VIZ – here’s why http://www.viz.co.uk/images/pullouts/viz_pokerface.pdf
that, and Grassy Knollington was genius!
Being from Europe, I find it kind of strange that I only have to fly for an hour or two and I suddenly need to speak a different language, take risks with menus, and generally expererience totally different stuff . (granted this could be done in a few tube stops around London, but its not the same).
I know what you mean about seeing your own country though, I’ve not seen nearly enough of mine.
As for people deriding other nationalties,
as Nigel Powers said in Goldmember ‘There’s only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.’
@Pagan – Scots, Irish, and Welsh tend not to call themselves Brits, under any circumstances. Ever.
Don Rickles – “With a cock in his mouth”.
I think I saw that one on the WVSR a few years back. Classy all the way.
Voivod – RRRÖÖÖAAARRR!
Racebannon – Satan’s Kickin’ Yr Dick In
Minutemen – What Makes a Man Start Fires?
Goodbye Harry – Foodstamp BBQ
NOFX – White Trash, Two Heebs, and a Bean
Hagfish – …Rocks Your Lame Ass
Uncle Tupelo – Still Feel Gone
Johnny Socko – Oh, I DO Hope It’s Roast Beef!
Steaming Wolf Penis – Where the Fuck is My Duffel Bag?
88 Fingers Louie – 88 Fingers Up Your Ass
Spice 1 – 187 He Wrote
Impetigo – Live Total Zombie Gore Holocaust!
Total Fucking Destruction – Peace, Love, and Total Fucking Destruction
Yeah, being from the “States”, we do get a little pissed off and defensive when someone from another nation-state accuses us of being slightly unworldly and a bit USA-USA-USA-centric.
We can either reply that we have a big fuckin’ country and they live in pissvilles and be done with it, or we can say that, then go on to cop to our slight xenophobia, our patriotic concern about how many Americans in uniform die and our relatively unsympathetic curiousity about how many towel heads (civilian or military, all the same), slants, gooks, and other peoples who don’t appear in music videos bite the dust. It all makes us less human, which is what the original speaker was accusing us of in the first place.
Today the guy we elected President won the Nobel Peace Prize. Good idea or bad, that’s some currency that travels around the world and is the antithesis of xenophobia. We can take advantage of the event and all become a few percent more worldly, or we can continue to confuse incorrect spelling with sloppy thinking.
As always, it’s up to us.
There is an informal ban on political speak in this forum, which I respect and try to follow. If you think this post is political because I mentioned our President, then I apologize. If you would think it was a non-political statement were our President a white guy, then there’s not much I can do do salve your wounds.
Live, be well, and have a fine fall weekend.
love…jtb
@Noggin the Nog (Ian the errolite) Gordon Brown does it every day:) you have a point! I was referring primarily to Expats living in North America! I had forgotten the joys of VIZ paticularly the fat slags:)
Happy Thanksgiving to all the Canucks!!
“I Started Out as a Child”….Bill Cosby. I always thought that was cool. The album title was the first joke. Great!
“Ummagumma”…Pink Floyd Again a great title. (great album)
“Weasles Ripped my Flesh”…weird right there man. Always liked that.
“A Tramp Shining”…the hell!? Richard Harris had the first recording of McArthur’s Park (written by Jimmy Webb) on this and yeah…I have it. I was a weird fuckin’ kid I tell ya.
“My Daughter the Broad” by The Frogs
@DTO can’t metion weasels without: RZZZZZZ! that album cover caused me many a sleepless night!
Lets not forget the chicken heart that ate New York!
enjoying a laphroig small cask Highly reccomended way to start the week-end!
good night, good morning surf reporters
Bikini High pool party massacre III – Nancy Vandal
The Unfinished Spanish Galleon of Finley Lake – Spiderbait
The flight of Wally Funk – also Spiderbait
greg in cincy.
zombie walk in cincy 10-30 and wussy doing the entire rigor mortis album the night before turkey day. you game?
t-storm,
I caught the T-virus this summer, and now walk like a zombie. My knees were failing randomly and without notice. One fine late night I flew onto concrete. I had the most lovely black eye, abrasions and lacerations, that I would have required no makeup on 10/30. I even managed to get covered in Poison Ivy that fine day in August.
Hell yeah I’m game. Does Jeff have to send us both release forms, or how do we connect?
Greg
I completely fail to understand the fear of taking a dump at work??! Isn’t taking a dump on someone else’s dime one of life’s little pleasures? Being paid to read a magazine and shit? You get to use The Man’s TP too! For goodness sake, take a shit at work.
Sadly I’m self-employed.
(Actually that would be a great album title – “Taking a Dump on The Man”) 🙂
Its not fear of dumping at work. Its the filth of the throne that is off putting.
I’m with Jeff on the public shitting thing. But I think we’re in the extreme minority. Every time I enter a rest room (be it McDonald’s, Target, a book store, whatever) someone has just finished shitting things up. Can’t you fucks wait until you get home? Why must you make the entire world your shit playground?
Hey Pagan…just a little lite-reading here on the ‘Weasles’ cover. Just my report some of you might be intrested in to know how some weird shit happens.
http://www.united-mutations.com/p/neon_park.htm
I’m headed to the third floor to watch the Dodgers and the Cards. Rox got postponed due to snow and 17deg. in Denver, so I only get one ballgame tonight. I think I bought too much beer and wine for only one ball game. Is that possible?
greg in cincy. you can emailme at j.a.boersma@gmail.com
rock and or roll.
Aaaaahhh yes, VIZ.
I go way back with that great mag, to the days of Millie Tant and her Radical Conscience, and my favorite cartoon character of all time: Buster Gonad and His Unfeasibly Large Testicles.
I’m afraid it’s not the same mag/rag without them.
Jason, I am with you and Jeff in the minority of people who don’t poop at work (actually, I almost had my husband won over to our ways until he had an unfortunate incident involving curry), and I am with you regarding your HI-larious comment about those who want the world to be their shit playground.
However, I need to single out a special kind of work pooper that really drives me crazy. The work poopers who get to work at the ass-crack of dawn, and act as if they are superior to everyone who comes in at the normal time, but the work pooper’s first hour+ at work is dedicated to their coffee, their breakfast and then their lengthy visit to the crapatorium. They stink up the place with their self-righteousness and their shit.
Self righteous public shitters! A pox on them! To the death of such sluts I go rejoicing! The world is not your shit playground!
another great record title: Maddona’s: “an unfortunate incident involving curry” man that was a crappy album!
@DTO
Ummagumma is a great album, especially with such, ahem, unusual songs as:
“Careful With That Axe Eugene” and “Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict”.
Good Morning Surf Reporters
Never Mind The Bollocks: Here’s The Sex Pistols
Some more for the Viz lovers.
http://www.viz.co.uk/articles.html?007
‘broke its back’. Haw- haw!
@pagan- Gordon Brown is not from this solar system so he doesn’t really count. (That’s not a glass eye, its a camera feeding directly to his home world.)
Make mine a Highland Park!
My Early Burglary Years – Morrissey
The Origin of the Feces – Type O Negative
Just a few good ones in my own stash
Ministry – The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste
Jesse Dangerously – How To Express Your Dissenting Political Viewpoint Through Origami
Optimus Rhyyme – School The Indie Rockers
Prodigy – Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned
LOLI RIPE – OTAKUSPEEDCOCK
I don’t know where you anti-work-pooping people work but where I worked the bathrooms were sanitized several times a day, yet my office door handle, mouse, keyboard, desk were sanitized uh… when?
As the oft quoted stat says – there’s more poo in the average domestic kitchen sink than there is on the average domestic toilet seat.
Poo on the clock, people! Poo on the clock!
And who can forget Ween’s Paintin’ the Town Brown?
@Ian, ‘broke its back’ is good, but I really liked ‘herman gelmet’. If nothing else, what a perfect screen name for some random web forum. That’s Great Art, right there.
OK…there…100!!!
So I’m sitting here thinking about album titles and thought about Leo Sayer. Now that’s a pretty big WTF moment for a Monday (it is Monday isn’t it?) morning I think. First of all, I’ve never met anyone who makes me feel like dancing and second…I just can’t imagine a “Leo Sayre’s Greatest Hits” album. Anybody out there got Leo shuffeling on the ole iPod?…He makes me think of Richard Simmons…you know…the over weight, excreise and diet “Banana Oil” guy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wO1V78SMAAo