Hello Surf Reporters!
This morning, like most mornings, I went trolling the internet for further evidence the end is near, and happened upon the video I’ve embedded above. I saw that it apparently featured an older gentleman dispensing advice on how to use a toilet.
It seemed promising (I mean, seriously) so I clicked the play button. And after it was over — almost five full minutes later — I sat there with a cartoon question mark hovering above my head. I was thoroughly confused, and began questioning my own personal toilet habits. Have I been doing it wrong all these years? This old guy has some theories that seem, well… curious.
Once again, I don’t have much time to devote to this update. But I’ll briefly list the items that confused me. I’d be much obliged if you guys would chime in and confirm that this man’s advice is a bit off — or not. Also, did I miss anything?
Here are the things that caused me to raise an eyebrow or two:
- A long turd-busting stick beside the toilet? Make sure you grab the right end next time!
- Anyone above four feet tall should pee in a seated position. WTF?
- A person should clean his “urine channel” after each visit to the bathroom. I don’t even know what that means… What’s a urine channel?
- Did you see that toilet riser?! A person’s feet wouldn’t even touch the floor! Would you need to wear a shitting helmet, for safety?
- “Try a website called Google. That’s G – O – O – G – L – E.”
- A step stool? I watched the video twice, and don’t understand what he’s talking about. You’re supposed to elevate your feet during a dumping session? Why??
- His two-tier wiping technique, which features various lotions and whatnot, seems a little over the top to me. Am I wrong? Did my parents fail to teach me the full process?
Please discuss, and I’ll be back tomorrow.