Hello Surf Reporters!
This morning, like most mornings, I went trolling the internet for further evidence the end is near, and happened upon the video I’ve embedded above. I saw that it apparently featured an older gentleman dispensing advice on how to use a toilet.
It seemed promising (I mean, seriously) so I clicked the play button. And after it was over — almost five full minutes later — I sat there with a cartoon question mark hovering above my head. I was thoroughly confused, and began questioning my own personal toilet habits. Have I been doing it wrong all these years? This old guy has some theories that seem, well… curious.
Once again, I don’t have much time to devote to this update. But I’ll briefly list the items that confused me. I’d be much obliged if you guys would chime in and confirm that this man’s advice is a bit off — or not. Also, did I miss anything?
Here are the things that caused me to raise an eyebrow or two:
- A long turd-busting stick beside the toilet? Make sure you grab the right end next time!
- Anyone above four feet tall should pee in a seated position. WTF?
- A person should clean his “urine channel” after each visit to the bathroom. I don’t even know what that means… What’s a urine channel?
- Did you see that toilet riser?! A person’s feet wouldn’t even touch the floor! Would you need to wear a shitting helmet, for safety?
- “Try a website called Google. That’s G – O – O – G – L – E.”
- A step stool? I watched the video twice, and don’t understand what he’s talking about. You’re supposed to elevate your feet during a dumping session? Why??
- His two-tier wiping technique, which features various lotions and whatnot, seems a little over the top to me. Am I wrong? Did my parents fail to teach me the full process?
Please discuss, and I’ll be back tomorrow.
Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!
Holy cow!
Tell me I’m number two!
Laugh out loud. You are in fact a number two.
I am just dying to watch this video – stupid work!
Me too – I wish the gal next to me would go out for her smoke break. Let me listen to see if her lungs are wheezing -t hat’s a sure sign she needs another Indian Reservation puff.
Wtf? First he says everyone should sit. Then he says sitting is not ideal, squatting is. Then he says the toilet is not high enough, so he installs a riser. Then he calls for a step stool because the toilet is now too high to squat! GOOD GOD!!
“The Urine Channel” is a new offering by Direct TV.
(click on the blue dto for some pics of WB and me)
Uh oh!
I promised dto I would vouch for his sobriety, in some of the pics he looks a bit inibriated and while we had a few cocktails he was by no means smashed.
Carry on.
You guys look terrific! Looks like you were having a fantatsic time!
Boy, WB, you sure look familiar.. hmmmm
Hmmm…not sure where we would have crossed paths? I don’t get to cbus very often. I’ve never been to the great Northwest. Closest to that region was Napa Valley. You ever venture west of the Capitol? Maybe you ran into me in my neck of the woods?
Great photos! I agree – nice to put faces to names here finally.
Which is which?
I’m the fat one!
Tsk. Just more of you to love! 😉
Glad you two had a good time, even if it was to watch the enemy. It’s nice putting faces to names here.
You two make quit the couple! Looks like you guys had a great time! I would love to get the Surfers all together for a one big blowout. Just like Gretchen said…love to put faces to the names we know and love!
where are said pics?
Click on blue “dto”
yeah t-storm…what she said. And click on the pics and they get bigger if ya want.
Great pics. Man, a couple of handsome dudes hangin’ around the GAB…By the end of the day you guys must have had to beat the wimen off with a stick, if that’s your idea of a good time.
Thanks for posting those.
jtb
So WB is hanging with ‘The Most Interesting Man in the World’?
Stay thirsty, my friends!
That stick is a great idea, especially for those tough, been away from home for three days and and didn’t want to use the porta-john at the race track, turds.
you elevate your feet for a smooth move. rd jr taught me that.
I think he’s talking about climbing up on the “stepping stool” and then squatting over the toilet. After what he had to say about sitting to avoid spraying all over the place while peeing, I’m a bit surprised he’d suggest a position that could result in splashage and splatterage. Yuck.
Heh. I said stool.
BOMB’S AWAY!!!!! Sweet Bejesus! Talk about painting the walls..
Oh, this is going to be good. JK lobbed one into this group’s sweet spot.
Yep, I’m popping popcorn right now in anticipation of some great comments.
…with bases loaded and nobody out! Yeah, I’m bringing a lawn chair to this one!
I have a wide stance.
If I have to sit on the toilet, I sit on it backwards and use the tank as an arm rest or small table. Otherwise I lay across the toilet in the “flying superman” position (to piss and so forth).
I knew this guy, we’ll call him Nick (because that was his name) who would strip down naked to use the restroom. I found this out when we went to a bookstore and he went into a stall and I saw his shirt, his pants, then his socks (!) flop over the top of the stall. Weird man, real weird.
Also, my little cousin used to work at a Barnes & Noble and they’d get visited by “Mr. Shitman” who would write things on the bathroom walls and leave little cups of shit tucked behind books and stuff like that. They never could catch him but I don’t get why not – just look for the guy carrying around paper cups of shit!
A nod to George Costanza.
Costanza? Was he a shit man or did he strip naked to use the bathroom? Or did he use the flying superman position?
George stripped naked to use the bathroom too. I just saw that episode not too long ago. He was at a party of some sort, stripped to poop, forgot to put his shirt back on, and went back out to the party.
He probably strips down because “George likes spicy chicken”.
Shitting while naked is very comfortable. Try it some time.
Yeah Tino…try explaining when you’re drunk and in mixed company. Things can go down hill rather quickly.
I don’t remember that episode but there was time George took a book into the restroom at a bookstore. Not quite as bad as shitman.
When he pulled out the lotions I lost it. Nuthin’ like a soft butt hole!
I have heard from various people that you should put your feet on a step stool if you are having a particularly hard time pooping. Never tried it though. But I agree the riser would kind of defeat the purpose of the stool. Unless you put your feet on the second or higher step I suppose.
People I know taught their sons to use tp to wipe themselves after a pee but I think its a waste of paper. If I could shake clean I would forgo the paper as well!
I think its the lotioned up toilet paper he is flushing that is causing all the backed up pipes in his apartment. That doesn’t seem like it would dissolve all that well.
We keep a Costco jar of mayo on our toilet. Just in case someone needs to lotion up.
Just shake it and go.
I am quite frankly surprised that the bathroom prophet did not mention that it is ideal if you are suspended by your ankles from the ceiling over the toilet bowl while using the plunger or the blockage stick-thingey.
Prevents unnecessary spillage.
…at this time…
I’m afraid my stomach’s not currently strong enough for that video, but I do remember a recent Cracked article that covered this topic.
http://www.cracked.com/article_19121_7-basic-things-you-wont-believe-youre-all-doing-wrong.html
Toilet Riser. (Not Toilet Risers)
What does he keep looking at?
Why does it keep flickering, is he inserting subliminal nude pictures?
Why do I need additional furniture to take a dump?
Three steps of toilet paper: tear, wipe, drop
Does it take this guy 45 minute to take a dump, not including actual dumping time?
Did his San Quentin bunk mate back in ’58 teach him how to have the softest most pleasurable asshole for intense entry?
WHO IS VIDEOTAPING THIS!? He clearly has an assistant, perhaps two.
Where can I hear about his other bathroom exploits?
If these are his toilet tips, his detailed toilet walkthroughs must be incredible.
No way am I taking a shit with my ankles higher than my elbows. That’s right up there on my list of things never to try, right after with cumming while upside down.
Argh, stupid no edit.
1. Anyone who thinks I should sit down to piss can fornicate themselves with a cactus. If I piss on the floor I’ll clean it up, otherwise fuck off.
2. Low-flow toilets do not work the same as traditional toilets. When you flush you need to keep holding the handle down until the bowl empties. Not a week goes by that I don’t have a tenant call complaining that their “terlet is done broken cuz it don’t flush” and every single time I have to explain it to them and magically the problem is fixed.
3. Raising your feel while sitting emulates squatting. If you are prone to certain “proctological” conditions such as hemmorides or fistulas then this might be helpful. Or you could just eat a goddamned salad every once and awhile and not have to worry passing coprolites. The choice is yours.
4. I believe the “urine channel” he refers to is the foreskin on uncircumcised males.
I thought it was funny that he seemed nervous as hell. His voice was shakey and his eyes darting off in different directions. Weird, man.
I’m still shaking my head over the whole step stool thing. So…let me get this straight…you’re suppose to actually squat on that thing hovering over the toidey? Welp, I’ll be the first to tell you I’d be ass over tits and break my fucking neck. Even better, I’d be head first in the crapper. And I’m fairly coordinated/flexible. I would like to see Old Man Shit Stick demonstrate it in front of the camera.
I think I’m sticking to my morning routine:
Wake up
Pee
Coffee
Poop
Pretty simple. Maybe a magazine thown in for good measure.
Old Man Shit Stick. Hee hee. He does look a bit nervous, which begs the question, why did he do this? Did some weirdo youtube fetishist break in and hold a gun to his head? Did he owe money to a loan shark with a silly streak? Does he think that there are that many people in the world walking around with shit in their pants and an overflowing toilet that such a video was required?
Maybe something is missing in my life, but I don’t require a toilet riser (NOT risers), a stick, a plunger, a foot stool, and a bottle of Rite Aid OR Baby Magic lotion. (and btw, what if I like CVS, does that meet OMSS’s requirements?) Even when 9 months pregnant, my old routine did just fine. I really don’t want to drag all these items into the bathroom. For one thing, I’d have to try to poop and keep the 2 year old off the step stool at the same time. And he’d also try to wave the shit stick around a la Harry Potter, I’m sure.
This video will keep me thinking for days. If there are any inquisitive individuals in the group, they should try to track down OMSS so we could get these questions answered.
If you look at the video on the YouTube site he has link to his site. It appears he is/was a professor at Harvard, he has a blog. Check it out. It’ll give you a few more questions to ponder!
I’m sure his lectures are absolutely riveting. And I guess if anyone sees him in between classes carrying a step stool, a stick, and a couple of bottles of lotion they know to avoid the bathroom. I wonder if he opens the other stall doors to offer on-site instructions.
Geez…after seeing that, I guess I’m gonna need to go to the store to get some “Stool Tools!” 🙂
What? No mention of using a spoon? I’m appalled!!
Good catch on the spoon
i get on all 4’s angle my ass up and spray away. my current record height it 8 ft.
every now and then i fall so short my balls look like the underside of an owl’s nest.
I sometimes just go out in the back yard and dig a ‘cat hole’ ala camping style and give directly back to the earth from that I took.
And I keep a .357 magnum beside my toilet. Fuck a stick.
Lightweight.
I have grenades. Pisses off the old bitch on the first floor though.
my terley don’t worky. come fixin me no flushies.
When I saw that it was a 5 minute video, I thought I’d never have the attention span to stick with it. What got me was the screen that said something about the video resuming momentarily. The audio portion continued, and I thought that when the video started back up, he’d be taking a shit or something. I was bracing myself for it. Then he showed the plunger and stick, and I thought he was going to show a big turd stuck in the bowl or something. Nothing.
I’d love to take a shit at his house. I’d do a “top-shelfer” just to piss him off.
“Top-shelfer”??
I’ve heard of this before. It’s where they shit into the tank instead of the bowl. Makes for a nasty ass smell.
A “Upper Decker”
UGH….sorry I asked. I’ll keep it in mind.
It’s the gift that keeps on giving…..and giving…..and giving…………..
ah nice pics. the banks are looking good.
Heck of a change down there from the game I went to last summer.
God forbid if this guy ever read the “Macaroni and Beef” incident! He wouldn’t know what to do with himself.
You guys are killing me….my boss is still here….argh!
The sad thing is one day we might remember this and possibly realize that it might be a sound piece of advice.
I thought of that too. And even though I’ve never used lotion to wipe (yet) I mentally chose the Baby Magic over the Rite Aid brand.
I want my 4:55 back. Why in the F@ck would someone make a video like that? I won’t demand a return of the time I spent watching “How too insert a tampon”.
Say, Unk…
Do you happen to have a link to the latter? It’s not in my library, and, although I’m well past menopause, I like to follow the Boy Scouts’ motto: “Get those goddamn queers out of here.”
cheers…
jtb
I would like to say that there is a video out there that teaches women how to pee standing up.
No matter how tall, or short, you are.
Just thought I would share.
If I recall my high school physics right, hydrodynamically there should be an upper and lower limit. I will admit we did not cover the specific topic of womens’ upright urination, so there might be some kind of special exemption.
jtb
I’ve been to the big hippie fair in Oregon and had the misfortune to be next at the portapotties when one of those ‘squat-n-crap’ folks has left their…deposit. Usually like a big brown garland of horror flung over one side of the hole. And those hippies, man, they eat a lot of roughage, man.
Remember the hippie classic ‘Back to Eden’ by Jethro Kloss? He was a big advocate of the ‘squat to crap’ theory. He was also a big advocate of going out in the woods, hanging a pointy gourd full of magic hippie juice from a tree limb, so you could c rouch beneath it in a buttwardly upward facing direction, insert one end of the gourd into your hine, and let gravity and magic hippie juice wash your troubles (and self respect) away. Just in case any of you were wondering what to read next.
Hey First Nations…I still have my ‘Back to Eden’ from around ’74 I’m guessin’.I had no idea anyone would know about that book. Amazing you mentioned it!
Great book actually as I remember it. But then again…I was stoned all the time so what the hell do I know?
I remember coming away from Kloss thinking he must have had a really creepy childhood. Imagine coming upon that scene in the woods one day…you’re just hiking along, humming a little tune, and WHOA DAMN theres a hippie doing a handstand with a gourd sticking out of his ass. I imagine Old Mr. Shit Stick must have come upon a similar scene, hence the video outreach. Lets pray it works. I want to go hiking again.
Ok, now I know I can knock that off of my Amazon Wish List. Thanks, but no thanks. People that obsess over poo make me nervous.
Uuhhhh. . . . . . . whatever you said. . . . . no.
What a strange person.
.
When we were kids we used to sing a little song:
Clap your hands if you know what I mean,
You have to keep your urine channel clean!
So why haven’t we heard about the N&N visit yet? Was there a secret memo iva email? If so, I missed the memo….
Nothing received at this station.
I’m also waiting. Impatiently, I might add. How dare the man have a life? He’s supposed to entertain us!
***I have tickets to tomorrow’s Yankees/ Reds game and todays game was rained out so tomorrow is a double-header. I’m going to try for an up grade and stay for both. Frikin’ cool if I can pull that off.
…carry on….
Good luck, they once-again sucked the big one this afternoon. Hopefully get the last game to prevent a Yankees sweep.
Oh, gag. I made the mistake of going to his website.
http://www.teacherneedhelp.com/homehy/toilet.htm
“Before getting dressed in the morning, smell the crotch of you pants.” No thanks.
…& this was next on the YouTube list…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFVdIDVEcEQ&feature=related
Thanks!
Later y’all,
TxTy
It seems Robert’s been a busy boy. I’m sensing some obsession with the bathroom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utap5SzlyPA&feature=player_embedded
WTF’s wrong with this idiot! Does he think we’re all Neanderthals, squatting to poop and never showering? Hell, I ‘m from West Virginia, and there’s probably more ceramic tile and porcelain in bathrooms here than any place else on the face of the earth. Well, maybe not, but you know what I mean. This just supports my theory that some people should be required to pass licensure to own and operate a video camera, and have access to the internet. And yes, I evacuate my urethra after I urinate. It’s called shakin’ it off. GET OVER IT, ROBERT! Sorry. I’ve had a rough day.
Instead of the wimpy pointy stick I found that a potato masher makes pretty quick work of those hard to flush logs.
We keep a cordless drill with a mixing paddle on it next to our toilet.
Yea, that’s a good idea, my old lady got pissed when I used her hand mixer.
I prefer the Keith Moon method; using M-80s or a stick of dynamite
My brother had a good idea. He just removed the toilet and now shits into the resulting hole in the floor. They keep a “Cool Whip” lid over it when they aren’t using it.
So, does he like squatting to poop? Increased performance?
His quote: “Anotomically, the sitting position isn’t the best. Over the tens of thousands of years that human beings have been on this earth, I presume that the most common position has been the squatting position on the ground. Using the stepping stool for youe feet really makes a significant difference.”
Wotta douche!
It’s true…Old Mr. Shitstick has an entire bathroom how-to series on Youtube. Do his kids know about this, one wonders?? Imagine someone emailing you that link. Hey look, Dad found a hobby!
He was actually referring us to Froogle, which is Google’s shopping site, so I guess spelling it makes sense since it’s not so well known. The rest of this video, though… hahaha, holy hell.
His shitstick looks eerily like a conductor’s baton. I’d sure hate to be in the front row of that orchestra when he started conducting.
somebody better be poopin’ out those box scores.
Patience grasshopper…and 100th!
I wonder if Daniel Tosh has seen this series. I love the idea of him chasing this guy down for some kind of Web Redemption.