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GARGOYLE TROUBLES
Loyal Surf Reporter Chris from
Boone, NC recently purchased a house and moved into a new
neighborhood in Boone, where he's apparently made quite the first impression. Obviously concerned that Ugly Southern
Stereotypes are
beginning to die out, the neighbors have banded together and concluded
that Chris and his family are, in fact, smoking on the devil's johnson.
What follows is the letter received from the homeowner's association,
and Chris's response. As hard as it may be to believe, I promise you that I haven't added anything for comedic effect... this is the real
deal.
THE LETTER
Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX
Boone, NC 28607
Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX
We are writing to you as members of the
Evergreen Homeowner’s Association about a concern that has occupied
all our minds since you moved into this neighborhood. We are a
congregate group of good Christian and God fearing people. The display
you have set up on the outer section of your lot has us a bit concerned
as the statue appears to be a type of Pagan worshipping symbol, unlike
the other lawn decorations in our neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a
neighbor of yours says that this is a Satanic being and that you may be
involved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goings on around the
neighborhood. There are flashing lights in the sky and numerous dead
animals in the road. We understand that you are a homeowner, but if you
will read your declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displays
on your property are not allowed. We insist that you remove this
questionable display at once. Our children are not to be influenced by
Devil worship and deviant behavior.
Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners
Association
THE RESPONSE
June 16, 2002
Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real
name),
I am addressing the issue of my
Gargoyle which the benevolent homeowners association seems to take
offense to.
I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any
time soon. A Gargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can be
seen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guess the
homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. My Gargoyle
basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does this frighten you? I can
only imagine you screaming in fear when the Snuggles fabric softener
bear is speaking to you through your evil television set.
I would like to file a formal complaint
about several yards in the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grass
that’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? The woman at
138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating her mailbox. What is that all
about? I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it
horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy
was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that
fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive. Don’t get me started on
the pink flamingos in the Whitley yard.
As for the flashes of light in the sky,
that’s lightning, you idiot. Have you noticed at about the same time
the wicked sky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid
falling from the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rain would make
you thankful.
As far as the dead animals go, you
idiots don’t know how to drive on the winding mountain roads. That is
called ROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels and rabbits
that just walk in front of you as you drive down the mountain with your
retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaring straight ahead.
We live at the top of this mountain.
Your friends and neighbors cannot even see my house for all the trees
surrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak out over my lawn
stuff. I will not be moving things, so take whatever action you feel is
necessary.
See you in hell,
Love,
Chris XXXXX
Chris has promised to keep us
updated on any further developments which, I predict, will include
torches, pitchforks, and boiling oil in the dead of night. Stay
tuned... And, as promised,
further developments!
LETTER TWO
Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX:X
Boone, NC 28607
October 25, 2002
Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX
We are writing to you again, not on the issue of your gargoyle, which you are
determined not to remove from display in our neighborhood, but on the issue of your Christmas lights.
Are you aware that it is not yet November? You apparently put up Christmas lights the second week of this month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We can all see your glowing
display late into the night over the mountain horizon. It is keeping several
of us awake at night and we do not appreciate such flagrant non-adherence to the Association rules. Page six of your Homeowner's Association guidelines specifically states that the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holiday displays
not to be presented in a period greater than two weeks prior or after said holiday.
Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintance who works at Boone Airport has said
that your lights are obnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at the airport. If this is an
attempt to retaliate against us for the gargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with your behavior. Legal action may be necessary to either A) force you to move out of our
once peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court ordered fine for your continuing defiance of our rules and regulations.
If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did on the issue of your gargoyle, you are
sadly mistaken.
In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal of trees from your property. Sunday
morning is not a proper time for you to operate your chainsaw. Our community prides itself on
the beautiful forestry that surround our neighborhood and we are
determined to stop you from ruining the scenery. Please leave our trees
alone!
Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association
RESPONSE TWO
November 4, 2002
Dear Ardna (I just can't believe that is your name),
I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like the last one I lived in, you will not be
putting up lights at all, no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I was the only house
on the street to put up lights, as it is Siberian-like weather here in December, perhaps the reason
no one puts up lights.
Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at the top of the mountain and nobody can even see my house. If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin' windows and quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not up here for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be I glad to give you one on New Year' s
Eve, otherwise, QUIT LOOKIN' MY WAY .
I will not be taking down my lights because of your meek little letter, as it took me 10 days to
put them all up. Page six of the guidelines also is the reference page that my gargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of my guidelines
and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it to the tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see. Feel free to take it down and examine
it or use it as evidence against my in your little lawsuit.
Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport? Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then I obtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gave the one person
who flies into that parking lot something to go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off on my
gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me, coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted
all over the internet, and read by many, many people? I got more feedback from people I don't even know telling me to sue
YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.
As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for this house and the acre
of property that goes with it. These are MY trees, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about what you think about me
cutting them down. Aren't you in church on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world from
gargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is the BEST time for me to cut down my trees. There
are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will
have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the
Homeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.
Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.
As always, love,
Chris XXXXX
The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer.
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