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Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

Further Evidence the End is Near

By 105 Comments

Yeah, I’m sick.  I have the suds, or something.  My shift at work last night felt like it went on for eighteen or sixteen hours.  It sucked, and I just wanted to go home and get in bed with a smelly border collie at my feet.

I’m going back tonight, because I’m expected to be there.  I don’t miss work, unless I’m in an iron lung or something.  I’m from West Virginia.

I know, I know.  Sick people should stay home, for the benefit of their co-workers.  But it’s not like I have SARS, or something.  It’s just a bad cold, most likely contracted via translucent booger-hook residue.  And I’m not missing work because of a cold.  It’s out o’ the question.

Toney and the younger boy went out with Sunshine and Mumbles, for “lunch.”  Of course, it’s never that simple.  Sunny always (always!) wants to go to Wal-Mart when she leaves the house, and usually spends hours there.

The boy just sent me a text message that said, “This is about as much fun as being hospitalized.”  Heh.

A few minutes later, Toney called and said she was so mad she thought she might have a stroke.  Sunny was insisting that we take them out for an expensive dinner in a restaurant tomorrow night, and was insinuating that we’re cheap.  After everything we’ve done…

Toney is about to start snapping necks, like Sayid.

I wish I had a photo of Sunshine, so you guys could see the way she was dressed when they left here this morning.  She looked like a bag lady, with all sorts of flowing hippie robes layered on top of each other.  A few of them probably cost more than a hundred bucks, but she looked like a homeless person.

And she had a freaking hand muff, if you can believe it.  I don’t think I’d ever seen one of those things in real life; I’d only seen them in children’s books.  Pure, undiluted crazy…

And speaking of that…  A couple of nights ago at work, two of my worlds almost collided.  We were in the break room having “lunch” (7:30 pm), and someone started talking about the People of Wal-Mart site.  Someone had one of the pics on their phone, and began passing it around the table.  It was a woman with no shirt, and her pants pulled up real high, to cover her sagging breasts.

Then a girl who is about twenty years old said, “Have you guys seen the Wal-Mart Game?!  Oh my god, it’s hilarious!”  But everyone seemed oblivious, so she quickly dropped it.  And I just sat there silently, blinking real fast.

I need to go to work now, so I’m gonna stop right here.  Sorry this one is so short, but I’m working double-duty today, for Surf Report VIPs.

As for a Question, why not supply us with some of the Further Evidence links you’ve found recently.  A lot of you send them to me via email, and I appreciate it.  But I have a feeling I miss a ton of greatness/weirdness on the web.  So, please bring me up to date.

My one request:  no porn or anything that’s overly offensive.  If you post it, I’ll delete it.  So please maintain a certain level of decorum, OK?  Keep it to an R-rating, at most.

And I’m going to report for another eighteen or sixteen hour workday, and will see you guys again tomorrow.

Have a great one!

Now playing in the bunker

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Comments

  5. Ok…I’m fairly new. Will someone kindly explain the world-collision to me? Is Jeff associated with the Walmart Game? I’m lost.

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  6. Hand muff!! If she wears it again, PLEASE take a picture! You could always replace her face with a pumpkin, or something. (Or Wilford Brimley’s head, since they both have ‘diabeetus’)

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    • That could be interesting. Jeff, you should take a large family photo of everyone (if they are all still there) & post it, replacing heads with characters they most resemble. That way we can get the idea with body types & pale skin, but we can create our own images of their faces. With the stringy hair & cray-cray attitude, I think Sunshine’s head should be Bette Davis’s head from ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane’.

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  7. Wow – this is the first time I’ve been in the top ten in awhile. And I already read the update! Sweet!

    Happy Wednesday, Surfers!

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  8. Hello, knucklehead; are you still “livin’ in the USA”? Or have you returned to the old country?

    How much or little do you miss San Francisco?

    Just curious. Travel well…

    jtb

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    • Back in the US for the holidays (or Hellidays, as I am currently referring to them). Back to Italy on Sunday.
      I was up in SF yesterday and thought it would be difficult for me, but as soon as I saw all the homeless lying on the sidewalks, Meh – I was okay! I really loved SF, and will always consider it my hometown, but it’s a shithole these days and I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon. We haven’t once thought this move was a mistake, which is good.
      This trip was only two weeks, which is clearly not enough time to see everyone or do everything I want. I came with one suitcase and I’m going home with two – one full of the food I miss over there!

      Hope your holidays are good, jtb!

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        • Yeah, I think Benabbio is a little small for Google maps. Check out Bagni di Lucca – that’s our closest civilization – about 2 miles away.
          It is beautiful there, that’s for sure!

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            • Trader Joe’s stuff for the most part. Joe’s O’s cereal- I’m bringing home 6 boxes! But then it’s impossible to find vanilla extract, molassas, dill pickles – pretty much anything that isn’t Italian.
              Oh, and Listerine. They have it, but a small bottle is the equivalent of about $10.
              The upside is that all the stuff I used to eat here and pay an import premium for, is cheap as hell over there.
              Trade offs.

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              • Man I love those honey nut Joe’s O’s better than anything! Do people seem crude here after living among the Italians? My nephew loved it in Spain so much more than living here in Ohio!

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                • Not so much more civilized, but definitely nicer. I haven’t run into one single asshole in 7 months. Completely unheard of over here!

              • Listerine…here in Western Alaska it is illegal to have it shipped into the “dry” villages because of its high alcohol content.

                @debra…I have a friend from WV who has lived in Spain since she grduated from college in the 1960s. The comment she made that really stuck in my mind was, “Things here were so much more civilized before Franco died.” I have NO frickin’ idea as to what that meant, but it made me think of the old SNL Weekend Update line by Chevy Chase.

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        • That photo was taken from the trail on the way to a friend of mine’s home! LOL!
          Yeah, I can’t complain. It’s a bit different from San Francisco, but I’m adjusting…;)

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    • Wow! That’s really cool! I can do a few easy shortcuts, but nothing like this guy! I’d like to know how he relates the words with numbers. Way cool!

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    • I followed along with my calculator, he got 722 squared wrong it should be 521,284 instead of 513,284 but hey I had to use a calculator to do his first trick.

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  13. Holy Crap! Muffs went out at the end of the 1800’s. And then briefly made a comeback during the 70’s porn era.

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    • I once grabbed a mic from the front of the hockey team bus and let the 18yr olds through this. Instead of Brad replying, I had about 20 young men playing his part. Fun times. wouldn’t dare do it now but the timing was right and no parent ever mentioned it so I guess all is well.

      Reply

  17. Can someone please tell me what the fuck the deal is with the bunker cam? Girls with owls over their crotches? I don’t get it. What’s the joke there? Are they supposed to have wise vaginas or something? It’s driving me nuts!

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  18. jtb…

    Let’s put it this way….”hair” styles have certainly changed since the 70’s porn generation. It went from wall-to-wall and muffs to landing strips and now bare-it-all. That’s the best I can do. Jeff said to keep this “R” rated at best. Hope that helps!

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    • Oh, THAT trend. Yeah, I’ve followed that one. I was thinking of the thing that women put two hands into, but I guess that’s another branch of porn.

      jtb

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  19. Walmart Game: The world momentarily stop spinning for you there Jeff? =-)

    No links I can share right now that I have muffs dancing through my head.

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  24. Ladies and Gentlemen,

    Can I suggest that the Bunker Cam picture is a play on “The Owl and the Pussy…cat?”

    AMIRITE?

    Reply

  26. You are all the best reporters ever! I am now going to use a phrase I hate, but conveys my message quite clearly…

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  27. my problem with standing is that when I stand my ass cheeks press together so I’d have some sort of rorshit test situation going on back there. F that.

    Reply

  28. I’m with the majority here. The bunker cam left me shaking my head. A new fangled aviary? Now THAT’S a BIRD. Gawd, if I had the ability to glow like that, I would never have to use my door lock/key finder light on my key ring.

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    • That would be handy!
      Hey owls are supposed to be wise, maybe those girls have some smart Birds and they don’t just fall for any ole Tom , DICK or Harry and his two nutty friends. Just a thought.

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    • Chuck, there were 39 bowl games listed in our newspaper, starting Dec. 18th. There are 4 today.

      Armed Forces Bowl: noon
      Pinstripe Bowl: 3:30pm
      Music City Bowl: 6:40pm
      Holiday Bowl: 10:00pm

      Reply

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