Yeah, I’m sick. I have the suds, or something. My shift at work last night felt like it went on for eighteen or sixteen hours. It sucked, and I just wanted to go home and get in bed with a smelly border collie at my feet.
I’m going back tonight, because I’m expected to be there. I don’t miss work, unless I’m in an iron lung or something. I’m from West Virginia.
I know, I know. Sick people should stay home, for the benefit of their co-workers. But it’s not like I have SARS, or something. It’s just a bad cold, most likely contracted via translucent booger-hook residue. And I’m not missing work because of a cold. It’s out o’ the question.
Toney and the younger boy went out with Sunshine and Mumbles, for “lunch.” Of course, it’s never that simple. Sunny always (always!) wants to go to Wal-Mart when she leaves the house, and usually spends hours there.
The boy just sent me a text message that said, “This is about as much fun as being hospitalized.” Heh.
A few minutes later, Toney called and said she was so mad she thought she might have a stroke. Sunny was insisting that we take them out for an expensive dinner in a restaurant tomorrow night, and was insinuating that we’re cheap. After everything we’ve done…
Toney is about to start snapping necks, like Sayid.
I wish I had a photo of Sunshine, so you guys could see the way she was dressed when they left here this morning. She looked like a bag lady, with all sorts of flowing hippie robes layered on top of each other. A few of them probably cost more than a hundred bucks, but she looked like a homeless person.
And she had a freaking hand muff, if you can believe it. I don’t think I’d ever seen one of those things in real life; I’d only seen them in children’s books. Pure, undiluted crazy…
And speaking of that… A couple of nights ago at work, two of my worlds almost collided. We were in the break room having “lunch” (7:30 pm), and someone started talking about the People of Wal-Mart site. Someone had one of the pics on their phone, and began passing it around the table. It was a woman with no shirt, and her pants pulled up real high, to cover her sagging breasts.
Then a girl who is about twenty years old said, “Have you guys seen the Wal-Mart Game?! Oh my god, it’s hilarious!” But everyone seemed oblivious, so she quickly dropped it. And I just sat there silently, blinking real fast.
I need to go to work now, so I’m gonna stop right here. Sorry this one is so short, but I’m working double-duty today, for Surf Report VIPs.
As for a Question, why not supply us with some of the Further Evidence links you’ve found recently. A lot of you send them to me via email, and I appreciate it. But I have a feeling I miss a ton of greatness/weirdness on the web. So, please bring me up to date.
My one request: no porn or anything that’s overly offensive. If you post it, I’ll delete it. So please maintain a certain level of decorum, OK? Keep it to an R-rating, at most.
And I’m going to report for another eighteen or sixteen hour workday, and will see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great one!
I just feel a “little” douchey today.
It’s the Queezy Mark’s 4th Night of Kwanzaa miracle.
This was hilarious:
http://deadspin.com/5424415/sitters-vs-standers–the-great-wipe-hope
I had no idea the other way existed…I’m going to try it at the next opportunity.
Laughed till I cried. And by the way, I am completely perplexed by the whole standing concept. Too much room for error. Way. Too. Much.
this guy doesn’t wipe at all
http://www.toxicjunction.com/get.asp?i=V2190
Thanks for that Jenny, as sick as this is, the ‘this guy doesn’t wipe at all’ got a big chuckle out of me.
Holy Crap on a stick I had no idea people stood!!!! The mind boggles at such a concept!
I didn’t even know there was a debate about this issue. It never crossed my mind that people stood up to wipe!
I can’t wait for the report when worlds collide.
World collision is bound to happen at some point-heh-I can’t wait to read about it!
Ok…I’m fairly new. Will someone kindly explain the world-collision to me? Is Jeff associated with the Walmart Game? I’m lost.
Nevermind…I found it. Heh.
Welcome to the Surf Report, Short!
Thanks!!
Hand muff!! If she wears it again, PLEASE take a picture! You could always replace her face with a pumpkin, or something. (Or Wilford Brimley’s head, since they both have ‘diabeetus’)
That could be interesting. Jeff, you should take a large family photo of everyone (if they are all still there) & post it, replacing heads with characters they most resemble. That way we can get the idea with body types & pale skin, but we can create our own images of their faces. With the stringy hair & cray-cray attitude, I think Sunshine’s head should be Bette Davis’s head from ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane’.
OH!!!! PERFECT!!!
Is the right place to caution against any pictures of Sunny’s Fuzzy Muff?
OMG I just spewed french onion soup all over my laptop at the “diabeetus”
Every time Jeff describes Sunny, I automatically think of Rosanne’s mother on her old sit-com!
Wow – this is the first time I’ve been in the top ten in awhile. And I already read the update! Sweet!
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
Hello, knucklehead; are you still “livin’ in the USA”? Or have you returned to the old country?
How much or little do you miss San Francisco?
Just curious. Travel well…
jtb
Back in the US for the holidays (or Hellidays, as I am currently referring to them). Back to Italy on Sunday.
I was up in SF yesterday and thought it would be difficult for me, but as soon as I saw all the homeless lying on the sidewalks, Meh – I was okay! I really loved SF, and will always consider it my hometown, but it’s a shithole these days and I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon. We haven’t once thought this move was a mistake, which is good.
This trip was only two weeks, which is clearly not enough time to see everyone or do everything I want. I came with one suitcase and I’m going home with two – one full of the food I miss over there!
Hope your holidays are good, jtb!
Just for giggles I looked at the area you are in in Italy and Google maps wasn’t real sure about it. The whole area seemed really beautiful though.
Yeah, I think Benabbio is a little small for Google maps. Check out Bagni di Lucca – that’s our closest civilization – about 2 miles away.
It is beautiful there, that’s for sure!
I’m curious to know what foods you miss the most. Care to share?
Trader Joe’s stuff for the most part. Joe’s O’s cereal- I’m bringing home 6 boxes! But then it’s impossible to find vanilla extract, molassas, dill pickles – pretty much anything that isn’t Italian.
Oh, and Listerine. They have it, but a small bottle is the equivalent of about $10.
The upside is that all the stuff I used to eat here and pay an import premium for, is cheap as hell over there.
Trade offs.
Man I love those honey nut Joe’s O’s better than anything! Do people seem crude here after living among the Italians? My nephew loved it in Spain so much more than living here in Ohio!
Not so much more civilized, but definitely nicer. I haven’t run into one single asshole in 7 months. Completely unheard of over here!
Listerine…here in Western Alaska it is illegal to have it shipped into the “dry” villages because of its high alcohol content.
@debra…I have a friend from WV who has lived in Spain since she grduated from college in the 1960s. The comment she made that really stuck in my mind was, “Things here were so much more civilized before Franco died.” I have NO frickin’ idea as to what that meant, but it made me think of the old SNL Weekend Update line by Chevy Chase.
who in the HELL would drink Listerine???
Geeze Knucklehead – it’s BEAUTIFUL in Benabbio!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30151410@N08/3015767877/
That photo was taken from the trail on the way to a friend of mine’s home! LOL!
Yeah, I can’t complain. It’s a bit different from San Francisco, but I’m adjusting…;)
Hey, didn’t Jeff ask for a link or two? OK, this one doesn’t constitute actual evidence, but it’s fun anyway…
http://www.ted.com/talks/arthur_benjamin_does_mathemagic.html
By the way, my 2011 resolution is to avoid voting for witches.
jtb
Wow! That’s really cool! I can do a few easy shortcuts, but nothing like this guy! I’d like to know how he relates the words with numbers. Way cool!
I followed along with my calculator, he got 722 squared wrong it should be 521,284 instead of 513,284 but hey I had to use a calculator to do his first trick.
Look at it this way, Jeff. Your workplace CAN’T be as stressful as spending time with Sunshine. 🙂
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
Every time I go to this site, I see Further Evidence the End is Near… and I weep a little bit for the rest of humanity.
http://www.theweeklyvice.com/
Jeeze, you’re not kidding!
Whoa…just when ya think Jeff had everything covered in the WalMart Game, along comes Jamie Orozco in Muskogee, Oklahoma!
Sometimes, when I feel the end is near, I just brew myself up a little Leningrad Cowboys…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lNFRLrP014
It’s more uplifting than weekly vice and still confirms my own eschatology.
jtb
If you like that, try this:
Frontier Psychiatrist by the Avalanches-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8BWBn26bX0
That was one great video!
This is cool. Skynyrd might just unite the world. Hilarious! Pass the country quencher.
Holy Crap! Muffs went out at the end of the 1800’s. And then briefly made a comeback during the 70’s porn era.
bikerchick…
I don’t know quite how to phrase the question, so I won’t exactly try. Could you say a little more about muffs, the 70s, and porn?
thanks…
jtb
And if you can throw in something about a tiny skirt and thigh-highs that would be good too. kthanxbye.
Chuck, for the love of all that is holy, don’t forget the pumps.
jtb
yeh…yeh…FMP’s!!!
After all…it is New Year’s Eve eve. And a NYE party wold be complete with out FMP’s and a dyed landing strip to match. The rug doesn’t have to match the drapes anymore but should certainly match the FMP’s.
uh….”wouldn’t be complete”….ugh…
Adding to my last (ahem) poem…
Blond hair and boobs and FMP shoes
With landing strip colored to match.
She knows she’s a catch
Her surprise is a ‘natch
Sexy FMP shoes and co-ordinating snatch.
That hits me where I live.
More songs about buildings and food:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amYzBQMT4VI&feature=related
jtb
Hahaha, hand muff.
The best further evidence is found somewhere in Ezekiel. I forget where…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPHuE5pDlEs&feature=related
jtb
I once grabbed a mic from the front of the hockey team bus and let the 18yr olds through this. Instead of Brad replying, I had about 20 young men playing his part. Fun times. wouldn’t dare do it now but the timing was right and no parent ever mentioned it so I guess all is well.
Can someone please tell me what the fuck the deal is with the bunker cam? Girls with owls over their crotches? I don’t get it. What’s the joke there? Are they supposed to have wise vaginas or something? It’s driving me nuts!
jtb…
Let’s put it this way….”hair” styles have certainly changed since the 70’s porn generation. It went from wall-to-wall and muffs to landing strips and now bare-it-all. That’s the best I can do. Jeff said to keep this “R” rated at best. Hope that helps!
Oh, THAT trend. Yeah, I’ve followed that one. I was thinking of the thing that women put two hands into, but I guess that’s another branch of porn.
jtb
Um…sounds like you are well rounded in that area. Maybe YOU should tell US a little more? Heh.
Walmart Game: The world momentarily stop spinning for you there Jeff? =-)
No links I can share right now that I have muffs dancing through my head.
Just in time for the holidays….
More Evidence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rUEpmbdZLw
You want cossacks? We got cossacks…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x75Gxd5IDE&feature=related
jtb
jtb, that was simply outstanding. Right now, I would pay money to go see those guys.
“A famous person wears the same size water skis as me”.
About the best I can do for links right now is an old favorite that I’m sure everyone has seen: http://thereifixedit.com. The site is bloated, flash-crippled and bog-slow, but there is enough funny stuff to make it worth putting up with now and then.
.
If you use Firefox, Flashblock is wonderful. 🙂
They are great!
Why is the Owl perched on her cooter? Does it mean something?
I just don’t understand.
It’s a cooter hooter.
“cooter hooter” …..funniest thing I have heard in a long time!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8rxXamfh5c
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Can I suggest that the Bunker Cam picture is a play on “The Owl and the Pussy…cat?”
AMIRITE?
I was thinking that as well but why are they glowing ?
A snatch of owls.
A group of Gnus is called an Implausibility
You are all the best reporters ever! I am now going to use a phrase I hate, but conveys my message quite clearly…
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my problem with standing is that when I stand my ass cheeks press together so I’d have some sort of rorshit test situation going on back there. F that.
Hah! rorshit test! gotta find a way to weave that into my next conversation about the “shit list”.
I’m with the majority here. The bunker cam left me shaking my head. A new fangled aviary? Now THAT’S a BIRD. Gawd, if I had the ability to glow like that, I would never have to use my door lock/key finder light on my key ring.
What is the male version of that pic? Dudes with giraffes on their crotches or, for the unfortunate, turtles?
That would be handy!
Hey owls are supposed to be wise, maybe those girls have some smart Birds and they don’t just fall for any ole Tom , DICK or Harry and his two nutty friends. Just a thought.
I know this is old and I’m sure most of you have seen it, but I NEVER get tired of it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDQQfBrSUs0
That never fails!!!
i could easily kill a human in defense of my dog.
I’m with you.
I had a dream (nightmare) that there was an owl tugging at my cock last night. I let the bird linger, then I shooed it away when I was finished.
That bunker cam picture is ruining my life.
http://verydemotivational.memebase.com/2010/12/30/demotivational-posters-no-asshattery/#comments
a Kayism…
Today’s forecast: Sunny with no chance of an update. Sorry. I’ll try for Friday.
Pandemonium and chaos must be certainly at hand. Hope you still had some of the Makers Mark left. I’m sure you need it.
Make it a double. Sending good vibes Jeff’s way – looks like he needs them.
Let’s all drink some triples to help him out. I’ve already had two……..catch me if you can.
Haaaa Sunny takes over! Are the Russian humboxes installed in her bedroom yet?
OK this is getting silly…
2010 Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
2010 Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl
Chuck, there were 39 bowl games listed in our newspaper, starting Dec. 18th. There are 4 today.
Armed Forces Bowl: noon
Pinstripe Bowl: 3:30pm
Music City Bowl: 6:40pm
Holiday Bowl: 10:00pm
2010 Jeff Kay Asshattery Bowl on BET.
I’ll only have intrest when there’s a Somke-A-Bowl bowl.
Ya know…I looked at ‘somke’ four friggin’ times and knew it wasn’t right but couldn’t figure out why and only one beer in from being home from work…..FFFFUUUUUCK!!
SMOKE-A-BOWL….crap.
Don’t worry, dto, I musta been so effed up when I read your original post that it seemed to be spelled correctly…at least to me! lol
Same herecc, I read somewhere, as long as the first and last letters of the word are correct the rest of the letters can be mixed up and the mind will unscramble them for us.
somke
orinigal
neswpaper
…
Roseannes mom and throw mama from the train
Yeah that lady was classic. Wasn’t she on that Northern Exposure show too? Whatta character she was!
Cleveland Polka
http://youtu.be/YXtHyydM5Ac
http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/
How’s this for some further evidence?
Oh dear Lord! That video in the Further Evidence section just has to have something to do with the inspiration for this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9SSOWORzw4
I’m way late to the party on this one, but here you go. A Pennsylvania Further Evidence! A mere 36 miles from Jeff!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40905394/ns/us_news/