So, I ran all my errands yesterday afternoon, starting at Moe’s for a cannonball of goodness, and ending at the gas station for $25 worth of 87 octane. For some reason I never fill my tank anymore, I just buy in $25 increments. I think it has to do with the depression that sets in after watching $70 sucked from my bank account in two minutes flat.
In any case, I bought my latest $25 worth of fuel and jumped behind the wheel. I was right on time, despite all the stuff I’d crammed into the day already. I should be arriving at work roughly ten minutes early, which is perfect. Ten minutes early is right in the zone.
Feeling pretty good about things, I turned the key and everything was deader than Kelsey’s nuts. Sitting right there at Sheetz, pump number 4.
What the hell?? It acted like the battery was totally dead. There wasn’t even a clicking sound, or anything. But the battery is new. I just had it replaced a couple of months ago, for some enormous amount of money — $150 or thereabouts. How could it have gone all Kelsey’s on me already?
I called Toney, and she didn’t answer. I sent her a text, and she didn’t respond. I called her again, and nothing. Dammit! I thought about calling AAA, but was pretty sure I just needed a jump. Maybe I could ask one of these other Sheetzsters? No, I hate when strangers ask me to jump their cars. It would be hypocritical to turn around and do it to someone else.
Finally, Toney called me back and my car fired right up when I hooked up the jumper cables. But there was loads of crap all over the battery, possibly acid. Was it leaking? Hell if I know. Who do I look like, Sgt. Goodwrench or whatever?
Infuriated, I told Toney I was going straight to the garage where I bought the battery. No way was I getting stranded in Wilkes-Barre at 1:30 in the morning, after work. I was all whipped-up, because I’d paid my $150 protection money, which should have sheltered me from boolshit like this.
I told the guy my story, and he said, “Starter.” Nothing else, just that one word. He was already irritating me.
“How much are we talking?” I asked.
“One seventy-five, two,” he answered. Oh, this guy was quite the conversationalist.
“But there’s shit all over the battery, and it’s new. I think it might be leaking.”
“We’ll take a look, but it sounds like a starter to me.”
Grrr… I sat down and texted my boss that I would either be late, or not in at all. If I was going to fork over $200 to these guys, I wasn’t going to work. For some reason that seemed logical to me at the time.
About fifteen minutes later an almost perfectly-round man appeared before me. “You with the Camry?” he said.
“Yes, I’m with it,” I almost said, but left the last part off when I actually spoke.
“I don’t know who put that battery in for you, but they did a lousy job. All that corrosion was from the previous battery. It wasn’t even cleaned up, and you weren’t getting a good connection because of it. I could tell by the way it was acting, when I started it,” he explained.
“You guys put it in!” I practically shouted. “I bought it here, a couple months ago. I paid a hundred fitty dollars!” I was getting all cranked up about a battery that wouldn’t crank.
“Oh,” he said, obviously a little uncomfortable. “Well, I cleaned it up real good for you, and you shouldn’t have any more trouble with it. The battery is in great shape, it was just a connection problem.”
See? This is the kind of thing that makes my blood pressure ratchet upward all the time. It seems like I’m all the time taking things back, after it was half-assed the first time. I had an oil change at that same place a few months ago (same day I bought the battery, I think), and my car was leaking oil on our driveway. They’d done something wrong with the oil filter, or something. I mean, what the hell??
It’s constant. It seems like everything has to be done a second time, because the first attempt was botched. Have you noticed this, or am I just the lucky one?
Bastards! At least I didn’t have to pay the “one seventy five, two” for a new starter, though. And since that didn’t happen, I went to work. I was two hours late, despite my stellar performance earlier in the day. But my car started at 1:30 in the morning, which was a surprise.
We’ll see what happens in a few minutes, when I leave for work again. A full Kelsey’s wouldn’t surprise me, it really wouldn’t.
I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends.
See ya then.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon.
first perhaps?
Jesus H. Christ your luck sucks. Of course, I may as well go ahead and say it, cause surely someone else will, changing your own battery is a pretty simple deal. I understand your you’re mechanically challenged. Not everyone grew up in their fathers shop helping him fix cars everyday.
Uh…on my car you have to take the front passenger wheel off and remove a cover to get to the battery. Who designs these things?
Purposely placed there so you are incovenienced to the point where you have to take it to the dealer to get back to where you were yesterday. Bastages !!!!
I was losing gas in my car AC, having it recharged twice a year @ $125 per charge. My shop mgr said, “Why don’t you have us run the leak detector all over it? It’ll sniff for a gas leak.” I agreed, and no leak could be found. It went down again, and I took it back in. This time, the mgr did the test. The tech had failed to “sniff” the evaporator coil, the one inside the passenger compartment, during the last test. That’s where the leak was. Cost of new evaporator coil and gas charge: $675.
what he said…
that was meant to echo WB on all counts
how long until Buck chimes in with his usual?
I was wondering the same thing, wanted to post it but thought better of it.
You’re actually saving money by buying gas a little at a time. You’re hauling around a couple of hundred extra pounds gas for the convenience of fewer gas stops.
Imagine the mileage hit you’d take if you had to have Jeff Kay in your trunk all the time.
A full load of fuel in an 18.5 gallon tank weighs 112 lbs. I bet you waste more fuel constantly stopping to re-fuel than hauling around (up to) an extra 60 lbs.
that moe’s burrito weighed that much.
Jeff Kay in your trunk all the time.
That’s his next book title.
or his sign off fir his radio show.
And that’ll be it reporters. Remember this is Jeff Kay in your trunk all the time.
Why do I have Sir Mix a Lot stuck in my head now?
It seems to me that EVERYONE I KNOW is going through the same sort of constant-headache nonsense. Anyone else see this pattern?
The lack of insulation in my rented house means my last electric bill was $530! I nearly died. My landlord doesn’t care to fix it. Our energy inefficient window-unit (Soviet hum-box) air conditioners don’t actually blow much cold air anymore and the landlord’s “repair guy” has yet to solve the problem despite coming out at least 3 times.
Sorry to hear your tale Jeff, I feel your pain. I’ve had about a dozen similar things happen in the last 12 months and I’m back to doing things for myself. For a while I was willing to pay a few extra bucks to have the ‘professionals’ take care of the dirty work. but seems anymore the trained chimps they have for mechanics can’t do the job right. So I’ll do it myself.
My snotty neighbors all cringe when I’m out working on my car in the driveway, but WTF, I want it done RIGHT the first time. and if I Fuck it up, then I can handle that. If someone I’m paying fucks it up, then thats just double the pain.
I change my own oil because the price escalated so much you would think you were paying for a hooker as well as the oil and filter. Well, If they’d throw in a hooker, I’d keep going there!
To WB – I’m sure when Jeff bought the first battery, it was one of those things where it was just easier to have it put in, than have to take it home, get some tools out, put it in, then take back the battery for the core refund. But your point is well taken. For the simplre things, it is getting to the point where its bettter to do it yourself.
You people could avoid all of these headaches if you didn’t insist on living in houses and driving around in cars.
I think that’s in the Bible or something…..
Now your talkin Tipsey.
Right on…think I’ll buy a tent from Sears and camp out in a park and bitch about corporate America, tweeting the whole thing from my Motorola phone.
Amen. Maybe rant about the “income gap” – a completely arbitrary and idiotic thing to focus on. Ask the stupid fucks this:
One guy makes $1,000 and another guy makes $100. The “income gap” is $900. If the first guy DOUBLES his money, he has $2,000. If the second guy increases his money TEN FOLD he has $1,000. Everyone is better off, right? Not according to these dumbasses. For you see, the “income gap” has gone from $900 to $1,000.
Same thing the other way. One guy starts with $1,000 and the other guy starts with $100. The first guy loses 90% of his money and ends up with only $100. The second guy loses 20% and ends up with $80. This isn’t good for either guy, but according to these shitcocks it’s GREAT because now the “income gap” is only $20 instead of $900.
SO FUCKING STUPID. It isn’t as if there’s only one pile of money in America, and a few rich guys are running over to the pile and taking most of it. It doesn’t work that way.
yes it does. Money is like umbrellas.
Farty’s calculations are known as “math by the well-off”. Immediately after the Civil war, former slaves had less to eat than they had when they were slaves. That strikes me as a poor argument in favor of slavery, but it follows Farty’s logic, or lack thereof.
Don’t want to engage in a scrap, but boolshit shouldn’t stand without challenge.
jtb
There’s not a goddamn thing wrong with my math, or my point. You said nothing to suggest otherwise.
Farty, I just didn’t want to get into a pissing contest. It’s the income AND wealth gaps that people are concerned about.
In 2010, the wealthiest 1% of Americans made 25% of all the income, and controlled 40% of all the capital in the country.
In 1985, the wealthiest 1% of Americans made 12% of all the income and controlled 33% of all the capital.
Between the Bush millionaire tax cuts and the business boom of the ’90s, the rich continue to control more and more of everything. That’s the concern.
So, sure, your math is fine. It is designed to make the growiing gap between the middle class and the rich sound “fair” instead of sounding like a model of a kingdom rather than a democracy.
The counterpoint is usually that whoever argues against the top 1% owning most of the country is a socialist. Of course that’s nonsense. But in a free enterprise system, the income distribution has to be reasonable to retain the appropriate incentives for people to work hard and get ahead.
I guess my point isn’t that your math is faulty — it’s just irrelevant.
jtb
Can anybody tell me why I’m discussing the economics of income distribution with a guy named Farty? Thanks.
jtb
No
It just seems appropriate.
Just my opinion and I’m not as smart as Farty or John but, if we try to even out the these gaps, won’t we eventually end up like Greece?
Everybody’s name will be something like Papasouradikopolous.
Frightening.
Greece got fucked up because they’re perverts. I’m pretty sure.
Damned Mycenaeans and their grabassery.
Started the whole thing downhill.
Yeah. “Hey, since you guys are going to be so far off, fighting battle, why don’t y’all fuck each other?” “Sounds like a plan, Aetos.”
If they had stuck to raping the peasants, they would have been fine. We should remember that.
I shall remember that. I’ll hold it dear.
As for the sex with soldiers angle, I fail to see how having my ass banged would engender a feeling of loyalty within my young heart. I’d think that would cause me to become rather cross.
Maybe that’s just me.
the ass is evil and bad and should be avoided. People sneak drugs and guns in their ass, for example.
That’s true. My ex-girlfriend’s second cousin Flip keystered a Mossberg pistol grip shottie right in a Wal Mart. His ass was supremely evil and bad, and very roomy.
Nice dude, though.
“It’s constant. It seems like everything has to be done a second time, because the first attempt was botched. Have you noticed this, or am I just the lucky one?”
Yes, I’ve noticed. No, you’re not the only lucky one. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I buy or have serviced requires a follow-up to fix or replace the first fuck up.
Jeff, you should really check your battery terminals more often..a terminal cleaner & a dab of dielectric grease & you’d never have to worry…ok, nevermind.
My Dad always said, “A man should know how to change his own oil”. I do that because I’m too impatient to make appointments, drop off the car, pick up the car, take it back for the obligatory 2nd repair trip, etc. I can change the oil/filter, top off the fluids in under 30 minutes, although, I understand some people don’t care for that level of intimacy with their cars…and that’s ok, too.
Fuck..what were we talking about…?
What he said…….EVERY SINGLE THING, EVERY EFFING MFing TIME !!!!! I swear if I need heart surgery, I’ll just do it myself.
What you need to do is, you need to chew sugar free gum.
It’s not just you, Jeff. I can’t remember the last time I paid someone for any job like that and was done correctly the first time. I think everyone is pretty much just working to get through the day nowadays. nothing more and no pride or attention to detail.
Shit like that happens to me all the time. But I have some wicked Charlie Brown Karma, so that stuff’s to be expected.
Sounds like you need some time away in your very own Yurt, this year available at Neiman Marcus for just $75,000!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44947969/ns/business-retail/#.Tp3Uo7JZpmk
Jeff, you should do what I did. I poured a bunch of gravel into my gas tank. Now it only cost about $7 to fill up.
With the corrosion thing, that shit has to be kept clean. Once it starts though, I clean it first and then rub it with grease (you can buy a can from the auto part store) to keep it from coming back. This works on batteries, lightbulbs, whatever.
My wife’s new car had a problem a couple of weeks ago. It was the sunroof. It wouldn’t close anymore and was stuck partially open. The guys at the dealership told her it wasn’t covered under the warranty (car 2 months old) because it was the “headliner”. I drove over there, took the keys, and threw them across the counter. I was madder than hell. They were trying to fuck her (I thought) because she was a woman with three young kids and didn’t know what was going on. I said, “You guys just keep the goddamn thing.” They said, “Oh, sir, no. You can’t leave the vehicle here.” as we were walking out. They followed me into the parking lot and kept insisting that I couldn’t leave the car there. Fuck them. We left. I got a phone call about 45 minutes later, guy said it was fixed and my wife could come pick it up at her convenience. They had vacuumed it out too. Didn’t charge her anything.
I’m not an asshole about things usually, but this fucking car cost a fortune, and we’d barely pulled the wrapper off it. I thought it was just ludicrous that they’d insist she pay for something like that. When we bought it they didn’t say, “everything but the headliner is covered.” Bastards.
Amen brother, that’s exactly what I would have done. Seems like these days, you buy something and they just say “it’s your fucking problem now, good luck”.
Oh man.
That gravel shit cracked me up.
Was it that damn Toyota dealership over there?
Century BMW. We made friends with the girl running that place, Tracy Jones. She’s nice enough. Most of them are nice enough. That’s the first time I had to go batshit. But damn. The car was 60 days old. It’s not like she took it back up there because it was out of gas, she had a legitimate problem. And they wanted her to fork over a bunch of money to fix it. I wasn’t having it. No way.
Oh, Beemer. Never could afford to go there myself! 🙂
I like changing my own oil, makes me feel a little more confident that it’s being done right and I don’t have that feeling in the back of my mind that they basically just took the previous guy’s oil and put it in my truck. I changed mine this past weekend in about 15 min. Of all of the vehicles I’ve owned, this F150 is the easiest oil change I’ve ever encountered. Filter is right behind the front bumper, which is surprising. My Toyota’s oil filter was positioned up in the engine compartment, where only a person with hands suffering from cerebral palsy can get to with ease. Used to end up pounding a screwdriver through that bitch just to get it loose and making one helluva mess.
Dude, starters are easy to change. it would take the most incompetent fool, me, about an hour to do it.
Just go get one from Auto Palace and change it before it gets to cold outside.
Again…on my car you have to take out the bolts from the engine mount on the driver side and jack up the engine to get the starter out. Who designs these things?
Good Lord, Chuck…Do you have to remove the exhaust manifold to add air to the right front tire? What the hell kind of gizmo do you drive? Sounds a little like a Yugo that’s been modified for F1 racing, but that’s probably a bad guess.
jtb
Chrysler. I’m not proud of it.
Oh and to change a headlight bulb you have to remove the front bumper cover. Who designs these things?
Goldman Sachs?
Walmart drove my truck into a bright yellow cement post one time.
There has never been a second time back to Walmart for an oil change. We got a Jiffy Lube here in Big City, Arizona since then so that’s where I go.
Jiffy Lube! Those bastards drained the oil into the skid plate of my truck. I would never go there again.
I figured you were going to say that they failed to put the drain plug back into place before filling the thing back up. That happened to an old boss of mine, which made me laugh my ass of because he was a prick (x10). He didn’t get very far before the engine seized up. Something about lubrication that makes an engine happy.
Jiffy lube left one of those mats in my engine compartment that they lay on.
I also don’t trust them to properly do it right. They checked off that they checked my automatic transmission fluid on my standard transmission car.
Jiffy Jerks
I once told a guy at Jiffy Lube that I would not be back, because the place sucked shit.
I’d be madder than a bear with wings, shooting lasers out of my eyes!
Do the job twice seems to be the thing these days. Nobody pays attention to the little details and it drives me up the wall.
The bastards where my work van has to be serviced is terrible about not putting bolts back into the dash trim. Only this time, they didn’t leave the bolts in the van. So, next time they need to pull the dash they will be finding heavy duty ty-wraps with notes written on it to the effect of put the fucking bolts back next time… Grrr…
Jeff, grab a voltmeter (yeah, I know, I might as well be talking to a wall) and measure the voltage at the battery terminals with the engine running. If its north of 15volts, you have an alternator issue that is slowly cooking your battery (just another possible cause of corrosion, so rule it out or you’ll be buying both an alternator and another battery). Put one of the secrets on this, one of ’em probably has a bit of electrical know-how and a meter.
Or you could just lick it like a 9 volt.
Speaking of frustration, I just spent 10 minutes finding a box of staples so I can re-load my stapler in a supply closet full of stuff adorned with the name of the place the supplies were purchased: Staples.
Dude, you’re getting close to the rabbit hole. Not that that is, prima facie, a bad thing. Just sayin…
jtb
jtb: It’s not easy being me.
Dude
I feel like I was in the same situatione xcept my problem was tires. On a rare Friday a few weeks ago, I managed to work from home. I went outside around 5:30 only to notice the rear right tire was flatter than a Hollywood starlet before implants. So Icoats the fucker to Midas (where I bought the tires) and they fix me up on Saturday but tell me my brakes are really bad off. I think the ass hat had the balls to say “I shouldn’t even let you have this car back, they’re that bad.” Whatever.
So I make an appointment, get the brakes done and go on my merry way.
Three days later, I’m all set to run errands, we get about 1/4 mile down the road and we hear/feel bumpbumpbump – it felt like a machine gun ass kicking. There was a massive bubble on the inside of the tire.
Again, I ease the car to fucking Midas where they had to replace the tire. In one wek that car cost me over $300. Bastards.
Sorry – that should have said So I COAST and it wasn’t Midas it was Mavis.
Fuckin Mavis. You turn your back for one second and they’ll fuck the hillbilly shit out of ya and steal your land.
“Discount Tire” my ass.
somebody just kicked my dog Mavis and I’m a gonna find out just who the hell it was…..
Mavis spells except with an e; other than that, she’s one child left behind. And her right behind ain’t that bad, neither.
jtb
mavis ate my ‘maters!
Jiffy Lube forgot to put the cap back on the oil fill hole one time. Oil splashed all over the engine and nearly caught fire.
I took photos, had the engine and inside the hood steam cleaned and took the bill to the Jiffy Lube manager. I demanded payment and threatened him with bodily harm, literally.
He stuttered and stammered and called a bunch of higher ups. I got the check in the mail about 2 weeks later.
Will never return there, ever.
I had never heard the expression “deader than Kelsey’s nuts” before. I assumed it was a Jeff Kay-ism, but Google tells me otherwise.
And yeah, auto repair shops suck. As others have said, your best bet is to work on your own car. You can do almost any repair with just a floor jack, some jack stands, a socket wrench set, a screwdriver set, a torque wrench, and a repair manual.
Yes, working on your own car is pretty intimidating. My advice… pay for the older Secret to take a couple of courses at a local community college that teaches automotive repair. He could definitely figure it out on his own, but this method isn’t quite as scary.
Besides, repairing your own car is a good way to invent new swear words too. And who doesn’t like inventing new words?!
Crapaletic Shitverter?
Damn things are HOT!!
Several years ago I changed the timing belt on an Audi four-cam V6. In my driveway, in 100-degree heat, in the rain. Granted I saved $1300 by doing it myself, but fuck that. It was a miserable experience. And on that car, you have to partially remove the front bumper in order to get the oil filter off, so a DIY oil change is non-trivial. Who designs this shit?
.
Yeah, car repairs are significantly easier if you have a house with a garage. It also helps to have a shitty car that you can use as back-up transportation, in case you can’t do the whole repair in one day.
I don’t know why car manufacturers started using timing belts in cars, rather than timing chains… presumably so they could charge you $1300 every 90K miles to replace the belt. Fortunately, timing chains are becoming the norm again.
And I agree about oil filter access… what the hell? Same deal with accessing headlight bulbs and air filters. It should only take 15 minutes to change the oil in a car, and two minutes to change an air filter or headlight bulb.
Its an Audi…. its revenge for losing the big one. It is something “they” all manage to do. =-)
I never knew that trying to be cool would pay off so much in dollars.
When I grew up in Snalbins, WV I decided that I needed to keep up with my brother and his friends when they started working on their cars, lest I be seen as a girly-boy. I learned all that shit, and was already a respected bicycle mechanic in my own circles.
Years later I have fixed all manner of problems for pennies on the dollar. My low childhood self esteem has paid off BIG!
My low childhood self esteem led to a faltering career in the fluffer industry.
Real men leave their childhood low self esteem behind. Would you like a blow job?
jtb
Yes, I would. Do you know a girl with low morals?
Ok, so I haven’t seen it posted so I’ll be the dick.
Why keep going back there?
And to lighten things up has anyone seen “Who wants to date a comedian?”?
It’s a Byron Allen production and is so bad it’s excellent.
Holy goodness, I just saw that for the first time the other night. It rules my world.
Byron Allen is the shit. That should be capitalized. The Shit. If I ever decide to commission a documentary about myself, that’s the guy who will produce and direct.
By the way, guys, if you’re following that horrendous story about the “exotic” animals being let loose in Ohio, be careful. Fuckin monkey has herpes.
Any Ohio surf reporters in the Zanesville area spot all the lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) on the loose? I’m trying to imagine what it’s like to be cruising along I-70 and suddenly notice a giraffe hauling ass alongside your vehicle.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44953925/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/#.Tp5EirJZpmk
M’gona, hand me the 30-ought-6; theres’ a good fellow! Now roll back that sunroof, driver, and hold her steady; I want to leave a presentable hide….thats right, switch lanes, get behind that Audi and…..DAMN! MISSED THE BUGGER! Hand me that Kbar M’gona! Driver, get as close as you can to that giraffe! I mean right up on her flank! I’m going out onto the hood! Now accellerate damn it! I’m going to leap onto that spotted devils’ back and cut it’s throat! RULE BRITTANIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Holy fucklebugs:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/18/wesley-warren-jr-scrotum_n_1018260.html?1318968582&icid=maing-grid7|maing9|dl9|sec1_lnk1|105409
Do his buddies call him Kangaroo?
Jeff,
thanks so much for the hilarious book!
I can’t fully describe how minty refreshing it was to immediately burn thru 12 chapters & later be forced by the boss to: “Please. Step. Away. From that book for a minute…….”
Great work!
Todd K. in Nags Head
Look if you have to go back twice on repairs, it’s time to fire them! Just sayin’ 🙂
Why do my reply comments require moderation?
Perhaps you were immoderate?
Perhaps, I hope not.
It’s not just you, Jeff. I’ve had copies of house keys made at Home Depot TWICE now; most recently on Saturday. And for the 2nd time, NONE of them will unlock my doors.
Sometimes I just feel like fuckin’ braining somebody.
There’s places that’ll change your oil for $30. I don’t see how it’s worth it to do it yourself.
Its not the 30 bucks, its the aggravation when they fuck it up.
Why would you keep going back there?
Back to the Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom story, MSNBC is currently running a headline that says:
“Monkey with Herpes Still on Loose After Animal Farm Mayhem”
Excellent. Carry on.
Oh look. Herpes Monkey has his own Twitter page.
http://twitter.com/#!/HerpesMonkey
Sweet sainted mother of Jack Hanna, sometimes this century really scares me!
Holy Simplex, Batman!
I had to google Jack Hanna because I’m culturally illiterate.
.
Pass me that box of surgical gloves, M’bona! Now lets pull up alongside this convertible and I’ll slowly lower the restraining noose…steady on driver! I think he’s on to us! Dammit you manky primate, hold still! M’bona, pass me the dart gun! He just pulled into the HOV lane!!!
Amanda Knox just killed Moammar Gaddafi!
….she has just now been spotted flying over Tripoli on a broom spelling out “Surrender Dorothy”….
Did anyone see that bloody picture of KGQuaddaffie on Drudge before they took it down. He looked a little sleepy.
Hey Jeff…not that this has anything to do with today’s topic…but I just got laid off after working for the same defense contractor for 18 years. Could you maybe post a link to some of your stories about when you lost your job. It might cheer me up. Maybe a discussion of about lay-off in your upcoming daily report would be appropriate…in light of what’s happening with this economy. Your daily rant has been a staple of my work day for many years. Thanks…I’ll keep reading…now from at home in my soft jammies while looking for a job.