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Four or Five Unrelated Things

June 11, 2009 By Jeff 197 Comments

dogshampooLast night at work they brought in four slushy machines, and told us to have at it.  They do that kind of thing, from time to time…  So I had roughly two gallons of blue raspberry during my ten hours there.  Man, it really hit the spot on an evening when the air was so thick you practically had to swim through it.

But there were side effects.  I don’t want to be overly graphic here, but this morning I was doing full double-takes in the bathroom.  It was an amazing thing to behold:  military green!  I almost saluted.

Anyway.  A few days ago Bill in WV and I were doing a rundown of the many nicknames we had for people in high school.  We were big on the homemade nicknames…  In fact, that shouldn’t be past-tense, we ARE big on the homemade nicknames.

A few that were mentioned:  Dirt, Meatball, Giant Ant, Raintree, HiHo, Jody-Hook, the Hag on the Fire Door, Eats, Raz-R-Sharp, Sour Cream, Mooch, and Hate Him.

I could go into the back-stories of all those, but it would take several days.  I’m just interested in your mean-spirited DIY high school nicknames.  Did you create them, too?  If so, tell us about it.  Use the comments.

As you might know, I remain a fan of the nickname.  In fact, Toney communicates with me in my own manufactured tongue, so as to avoid confusion.  She says things like, “You know that guy you call Sam Donaldson?” or “I ran into Triscuit Neck at the grocery store today…”

It’s a system that works for us.  Heck, if she used their real names, I’d have no idea who she was talking about.

And Toney does it, too.  She calls a co-worker “Dog Shampoo,” which cracks me up.  She says the woman smells exactly like Andy after a bath.  I’m laughing, just thinking about it.

So, what do you have on this one?  Anything?  We need to know.

Yesterday I was mercilessly mocked for listing the first fifteen songs my iPod played in shuffle mode, and asking you guys to do the same.  So, I’m going to do it again.  Here’s today’s list:

“New Sensation” INXS
“Honeysuckle Blue” Drivin ‘N’ Cryin
“Take a Look At the Guy” The Faces
“Devil Doll” X
“Man In the Corner Shop” The Jam
“Jesse James Bolero” Prefab Sprout
“Mesopotamia” B-52s
“Going Fetal” Eels
“7 And 7 Is” Love
“Ultra Unbelievable Love” Robyn Hitchcock
“Jenny’s Theme” The Folk Implosion
“Now You Come Back” Steve Forbert
“Liars’ Bar” The Beautiful South
“Boat” Marah
“Perfect Timing” Drive-By Truckers

And check this out.  Surf Reporter Brian took it upon himself to rank the bands everyone listed in yesterday’s comments.  I think he cut it off around 11 am EST today, and it’s one hell of a tall list.

Thanks, man!  That’s impressively nutty — almost Deadwood fuck nutty.

Apparently Nancy and fambly will be passing through our town this afternoon, on their way to North Carolina.  Or is it South Carolina?  In any case, they’ll be here around dinner time, and we might break gluten-free bread with them.

I’ll let you know what transpires, if anything.

And finally, from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk, I’d like to know if you own every episode of any TV shows, on DVD.  I have several:

Seinfeld
Andy Griffith Show (b&w only)
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Deadwood
Homicide: Life on the Street
The Sopranos
The Office (Brit version)
Adventures of Pete & Pete
My So-Called Life
Monty Python’s Flying Circus

I also own every set available so far of LOST, Green Acres, and SNL (seasons 1 thru 4).  And I have about seven seasons of Friends, all secured for free through my previous employer, as well as the first three seasons of Spongebob — back when it was genius.

What about you?  Are you a TV on DVD person?  If so, tell us what you got.

And I’m stopping right here.  I don’t feel so hot.  I might have to go for another olive drab sitdown.  Something ain’t right…

Have a great weekend, boys and girls.

I’ll see you on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker.

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Comments

  1. Jason says

    June 12, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    My nickname in Jr High was “Jason Jason Masturbation”. One time this bastard came into the rest room while I was finishing up a piss and said, “If you shake it more than 3 times you’re playing with it.” So I counted off about 10 shakes and he ran out telling everyone that I was in there pulling my chain.

    I hope he’s in prison somewhere being sodomized at this very moment. Jason Jason Masturbation, fuck you Chris.

    Reply
  2. Zazu says

    June 12, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    Nimnunk
    Nim nerd
    Humpy-Bump
    Troll-tard (aka Troll-turd) (ex-husband)
    Pocket Pimple
    Tally-Whacker
    Lolly-goggle
    Flap Backs
    Pugly Uoop (my son)
    Label (nickname by brother in law uses on me)

    Reply
  3. Lynda says

    June 12, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    There was DOG MEAT, the skanky ho my junior year. We used to throw hamburgers at her. I give everyone private names, POODLE HEAD, CHIN WHISKERS (for the love of god old lady tweeze those hairs!), CAT PISS PASS PROPRIETOR and the G’DAMMIT! LADY. Or they get Indian names. My sister was Runs-With-Scissors but she’s recently graduated to Maiden-Breaks-Bones-With-Stick. I’m Maiden-Thunder-Cat-Ho and our other sister is Corn-Chowder-Maiden.

    Reply
  4. Anon says

    June 12, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    As a teacher I come up with nicknames for some of my students. The only one worth telling is this one.

    Dick gazer – paid a kid $20 cash to see his dick in the bathroom.

    Reply
  5. Ryan says

    June 13, 2009 at 7:51 am

    Did not do the nickname thing in high school, but sure did in College, in the fraternity. Three favorites (not necessarily developed by me):

    Colonel Coin Collector
    Satchel Man & Ball Boy
    Ward Cleaver

    Reply
  6. Mitzi says

    June 13, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    I’m a little late to the game on this one, but I’ve gotta add our TV show list (includes DVDs and computer files that we have stored on a machine affectionately called The Dump):

    Strangers With Candy
    Northern Exposure
    Trailer Park Boys
    Invader Zim
    Futurama
    Absolutely Fabulous
    South Park
    The Simpsons
    Aqua Teen Hunger Force
    Dr. Who
    My Name Is Earl
    Ugly Betty

    There’s probably more but those are all I can think of at the moment…

    Reply
  7. Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says

    June 13, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Since this here conversation is still going…

    People i would love to taze:
    1) Hilary f’in Clinton
    2) My boss, Mr. Burns
    3) Michael Jackson (to see if he is really still alive, or a robot that kind of resembles him)
    4) Paris Hilton (just to see if she pisses herself, because how sweet would that be?)
    5) Michael Vick

    One of my nicknames from Mr. Wally is “sea cow”, he says that the noise I make when i nag him reminds him of what he thinks a manatee would sound like. Nice, huh. It’s okay, I affectionately call him “the asshole”.

    Reply
  8. DTO says

    June 13, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    They used to call my brother-in-law “Fuzz Nuts”. Don’t know why and don’t really want to Probaby had something to do with gym class.

    Nancy up the street was called “Goat”…(nanny goat) and she was/ is a cutie regardless of what that name implys.

    Her brother…Victor…was called Vicky (not gay). He eventually named his daughter Vickie.

    My name…David..became Dabbit somehow and then became Rabbit and then.. just “Rab”.

    I work off and on with a guy named Joseph and they call him Josephina…(again, not gay).

    @leanne…I don’t actually call him that to his face… because…well, actually…he is a FH!!

    Reply
  9. The Only Errolite says

    June 13, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    I’ve just had a look at ‘dedicated’ Brian’s list from the link and spotted a great typo.
    ‘Bed Bop Deluxe’ sounds like something that should top a hookers menu, if they have such things….

    I’ve got ‘Blackadder’ series 2, 3 & 4
    and H.R. Puffinstuff- of which I seem to be the only person in the UK to have seen and still maintain its the best kids program ever made, on acid!

    Reply
  10. NDfaninAZ says

    June 13, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    @DTO – I used to know a guy a long, long time ago named David, but everyone called him Rabbit. Weird.

    Reply
  11. chill says

    June 13, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    @Errolite, ‘Bed Bop Deluxe’ was a typo from the original poster. The actual band was Be-Bop Deluxe. They were active in the mid/late 70s. Back in the day I liked them enough to buy a couple of albums.

    Pufnstuf rules because, you know, he’s your friend when things get rough.

    Reply
  12. Tyrosine says

    June 13, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    @ Jason:

    Dude, if you’re gonna wank in the washroom at high school you gotta expect some static. You’re just lucky they didn’t make you eat a soggy biscuit.

    Reply
  13. Jason says

    June 13, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    Tyrosine,
    I don’t know. With the gaping asshole tasering, or whatever, I don’t know if I can trust your judgement. What’s a soggy biscuit? If it has anything to do with balls or requires a picture, I don’t want to know. Peace, brother. Have a fan-fucking-tastic weekend. And I mean it!

    Reply
  14. dabigo says

    June 13, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    We had a guy in HS we called “The Face” or just “Face” and he answered to it. Don’t remember why we called him that though, I think he already had the nickname when I met him.

    Reply
  15. jeff_in_niagara says

    June 13, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    Nick names :
    from high school: Wade One Nut (fence climbing incident), Oge

    Guy across the street at my last house, huge fat guy used to hang around raging, wearing only sweatpants, yelling at invisible tormentors, and actually had a full size scythe inside his front door, we used to call Heart Attack Man, glad we moved

    at work- weird guy who always has one hand stuck down the back of his pants, I coined Assman, even worked up a theme song using the Batman TV theme.

    Reply
  16. pagan says

    June 13, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    Errolite:My step dad called his dogs Orson and Seymour & my mom Witchipoo! “Oranges Poranges”

    Reply
  17. Willie Williams says

    June 13, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    167th

    Can’t believe I read through all this shit.

    Reply
  18. Tyrosine says

    June 13, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    @ Jason:

    I’m the first to admit my mind is an open sewer. I really tone things down when posting here, but I’ve always found that “Crisco” themed photo (and others like it such as tubgirl and two girls, one cup) to be fucking hilarious. Seriously, can’t you just imagine them storyboarding that scene?

    Writer: “Then let‘s have Dave shove his hand up Steve’s ass”
    Director: “Just his hand? That seems a little lame…”
    Writer: “Fuck it! His whole arm!”
    Director: “Note to Dave: Don’t wear a watch, and have Scotty pick up a bucket of Crisco.”

    It gets even funnier when I find out it’s actually a classic, basically the Citizen Kane of gay porn. I‘d honestly like to fake a Crisco ad using that photo and stick it up in the baking isle of the supermarket.

    The soggy biscuit is an urban legend (at least I hope it‘s a legend) that arose out of the initiation rites of sports teams. A number of players from the local Junior A hockey team attended my high school. It was rumoured that every fall all the rookie players had to play soggy biscuit as part of hazing. Details of the game are here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soggy_biscuit

    Reply
  19. Tyrosine says

    June 13, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    @ Brynhildr & Leanne:

    Tazer moi? I would remind you that I specifically warned everyone that the link led to a very unsavoury place. Besides, when the URL contained the file description of “Crisco” and “Fisting” what did you expect, a picture of Heidi of the Swiss Alps running through a field of daisies?

    Reply
  20. Gretchen says

    June 13, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    There’s a weatherman out here in Stanley Cup Championship Land whom I call “The Congested Weatherman”. His name’s Kevin Benson and he talks like he hasn’t breathed through his nose in thirty years. Must have been one hell of a storm front to cause that.

    @The Only Errolite: MACBETH!!!!! Aahhhhh!! Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends!

    Reply
  21. DTO says

    June 13, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    @Willie Williams…I was 500th once. ..WHAT A FRIGGIN’ HOOT that week was!! Jeff’s England trip and he left the playground unattended…kinda.

    Saturday night and two Guiness Draught. left. The kind that has that little ball thing that rolls around…YUM!!
    Some Germans gave me a six pack of this stuff (the real deal) as a tip for some work I did for them… and my general good nature. Auch der Liber!!

    Happy weekend to all!

    Reply
  22. Leanne says

    June 14, 2009 at 1:52 am

    All aside Tyrosine just try one Tazering – how bad could it be? Make sure U know this is all me yucking it up.

    Reply
  23. WhiteTrashBarbie says

    June 14, 2009 at 9:10 am

    Feeling lame for coming to the party so late, but I hate to be left out, so…

    iPod shuffle 15 songs:

    Dinosaur Jr – Turnip Farm
    Robert Johnson – Stones in my Passway
    Neena Foundry – Your Design
    Ben Folds – Rockin’ the Suburbs
    Supertramp – Logical Song
    John Valby – Witch Doctor
    Lou Reed – Satellite of Love
    Ben Folds – Still Fighting It
    Ben Folds Five – One Angry Dwarf
    Carrie Newcomer – The Fisher King
    Dropkick Murphys – Barroom
    Chixdiggit – Chupa Cabras
    Violent Femmes – Held Her in My Arms
    Mystikal – Shake Ya Ass
    Ben Folds – Not the Same

    TV on DVD (entire series)
    The Office (UK version)

    Nicknames (off the top of my head)

    Pocket Pal – a judge of diminutive stature who was so tiny and cute you just wanted to pick him and put him in your pocket and carry him around with you all day;
    Peas and Carrots – co-worker who was a little Forrest Gump-y;
    Lupe – co-worker who was very loopy;
    Moobie/PolPot – a co-worker with man boobs who became unbearable when he got a little bit of power;
    Snaggletooth – former supervisor, who, in addition to having bad teeth was also a complete uggo, built like a linebacker and a slew foot stomper. Oh, she was also a mean and conniving backstabbing bitch;
    The Beasties – Snaggletooth and her boss;
    Good Eye – What I call my husband’s ex-girlfriend who has a lazy eye. He thinks it is mean. I think it would be mean if I called her Bad Eye;
    ChaCha – My favorite Cuban friend;
    Pebbles – I was called this at one job because I put my hair up in a clip when I am really concentrating and working hard, not really called that anymore, hmmm.

    Five people I would tase (well, I guess if I have to limit myself to five)

    Sarah Palin
    Ron Artest
    Tom Brady
    Snaggletooth
    Sarah Palin (oh, yes, I know I put her twice)

    Reply
  24. pagan says

    June 14, 2009 at 10:39 am

    DTO Trust those German BASTARDS to keep the good beer for themselves:)

    Reply
  25. Brynhildr says

    June 14, 2009 at 11:40 am

    All this mention of HR Pufnstuf has reminded me that my siblings and I used to call my mother Witchiepoo sometimes, especially when we wanted out of the bath. The 4 of us (yes, all 4 crammed in the bath at once) would chant in unison, “Witchiepoo, Witchiepoo, we want out!” We started out quietly and increased the volume gradually until we were screaming as loud as we could. Eventually, my mother would give in to the noise and return to the bathroom to get us. Oh, the good old days when parents left their children unattended in the bath and sat on the couch with a cocktail for some alone time.

    Reply
  26. Brynhildr says

    June 14, 2009 at 11:57 am

    Tyrosine – I apologize for listing you as my bonus tase, and I admit my own culpability in clicking on the link you provided. However, in my own defense, although I did see the words “Crisco” and “fisting” in the URL, I was thinking it would be more along the lines of an informational description such as one finds while perusing the Urban Dictionary or even Wikipedia.

    Now that I know you are THE source of information on all things perverse and/or repulsive, I will proceed with extra caution when clicking. Apparently, my threshold for viewing the grotesque without consequence is much lower than I thought. 🙂

    Reply
  27. Jason says

    June 14, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    Okay then Tyrosine. I think my humor is about the same as your’s. But I just couldn’t imagine an arm up the ass not being fatal. Does anyone know if that guy died after that scene? Or maybe the guy with the arm was an amputee? Men with no hands are fairly common, apparently.

    Reply
  28. Leanne says

    June 14, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    I had an observation on that picture that I thought input – if this is gay porn, has anyone elsed noticed that noone in the picture looks particularly aroused?

    Reply
  29. Jason says

    June 14, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    How could anybody be aroused by such a thing? It’s shocking to the senses.

    Reply
  30. Tyrosine says

    June 14, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    @ Jason,

    I can’t say if that was fatal (it sure looked painful), but I do remember a story on FARK a few years ago about a guy dying after “a tryst” with a horse. The video is available somewhere (he had a “friend” tape it) if you’re so inclined.

    @ Brynhildr,

    For the record 4chan.org/b/ is the source of all things perverse and repulsive. I spend a lot of time there.
    And thanks for the reprieve on the tazering. While I’ve never been tazered, it looks acutely painful, and apparently occasionally fatal. Of course these facts in no way stop me from enjoying the experience when others get tazered.

    Reply
  31. Jason says

    June 14, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    Well, I’ve fucked a horse. I mean, who hasn’t? But that’s not sick.

    I’d like to have a taser. I want to taser people in Wal-Mart when the line is too long. That’s legit, I think.

    Reply
  32. Tyrosine says

    June 14, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    @ Jason,

    The guy didn’t fuck the horse. The horse fucked him.

    “I want to taser people in Wal-Mart when the line is too long. That’s legit, I think”

    Well, if it isn’t it should be.

    Reply
  33. Leanne says

    June 14, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    I guess my point would be why would you do that if you weren’t getting something from it. But maybe it was involuntary – that thought makes me sick if that’s the case.

    Reply
  34. Jason says

    June 14, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    A guy being fucked BY a horse? That’s asinine. If someone was killed during such a pursuit, they deserved it. “I don’t know, Saint Pete, I was just on my hands and knees, minding my own, with lube around and in my ass. Next thing I know a horse beast stomped my brains out.” “Oh, well, that’s common. Almost as common as the guy that slips by accident and ends up with a light bulb up his ass. Welcome to Heaven.”

    I don’t think so.

    Reply
  35. Jason says

    June 14, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Leanne,
    Why don’t we just meet and get this over with? I’ll give you several cans of pasta and you can put your arm up my ass. Seems reasonable. You do have hands, don’t you?

    Reply
  36. Kelly says

    June 14, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    “My so-called life”

    REALLY?

    Reply
  37. Kelly says

    June 14, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    I would have never pegged you as owning “my so-called life”
    on dvd.

    Reply
  38. Leanne says

    June 14, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Jason, I don’t eat canned pasta – plus my hand ain’t going anywhere near there. If it did, I would have to chop it off – therefore – yes I do still have my hands.

    Reply
  39. dabigo says

    June 14, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    My so called life rocks!

    Reply
  40. Momma K says

    June 14, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    Nicknames..We had a hand signal for a gal at work..she sported more hair on her chin and chest..then most men in the building..when she would pull something…and we didn’t want to mention her name in front of the kids..we would hold our hands to our chins and wiggle our fingers..EVERYONE at work KNEW who we were talking about….For a ‘gag’ gift…one of the kids at school gave her a BIC shaver for Christmas…

    Dude..anyone who has ALL the seasons of LOST…rules..

    I have…

    Weeds
    The Soprano’s
    Sex and the City (I am chick what can i say?)
    Dexter
    House
    and 2 1/2 Men…

    A fellow WV’er from Wheeling..

    Reply
  41. NDfaninAZ says

    June 14, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Fists, light bulbs, potatoes, horses, salami…accidents happen.

    Reply
  42. airandee says

    June 15, 2009 at 7:37 am

    A few choice nicknames:

    Pick – Kid is grade school who was constantly picking his crotch and ass, Sometimes at the same time.
    Dick Dickless – Real name Nick Nichlas
    Head – A guy with a head so big Coach had to special order a football helmet before he could play
    Beth Anne Boobs – 5 ft nothing with two of the nicest oversized pair of …
    Beaker – looked like Beaker from Muppets
    Ass-Ears – Kid had some funking lookin’ ears

    Reply
  43. Tyrosine says

    June 15, 2009 at 8:38 am

    Jason,

    Here’s the link to the news article from the Seattle Times (sorry, I don’t have pics of this one, but apparently videos were taken). It’s a legit news article, so in theory it’s “safe for the squeamish”, but it’s still about a guy being sodomized by a horse, so YMMY.

    http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2002384648_farm16m.html

    I’m kinda surprised this happened in Washington. Kind thought this was more of a Florida or Arkansas sorta thing.

    Reply
  44. Shiny Rod says

    June 15, 2009 at 9:16 am

    @ Tyrosine – That tips my weird-shit-o-meter…

    Reply
  45. Jason says

    June 15, 2009 at 9:22 am

    Pre-She-Ate it Tyrosine. I found a video but I reluctant to post a link to it. Very sick. The neighbors seemed upset to find out that the horse was gay.

    Thank God we’ll be getting an update today – we can finally put all this arm and horse fucking behind us.

    Reply
  46. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    June 15, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    So bestiality is legal in 17 states….

    I somehow manage to learn something new every day.

    Reply
  47. Kathleen says

    June 16, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Not big on nicknames, really, but my friends and I call Danica Patrick either The Bitch, Princess Permapout or The Talentless Hack.

    TV Series on DVD:

    Firefly/Serenity
    Stargate SG-1
    Babylon 5
    The Pretender
    Highlander: The Series
    Highlander: The Raven
    MacGyver

    Reply
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