On Saturday we had lunch at a Chinese restaurant, where we’re semi-regulars. We’ve had some really bad Chinese food since we moved here (gloopy as a mofo), but have zeroed-in on a couple of decent places. One’s a takeout joint, and the other is a sit-down restaurant.
Saturday’s destination was the sit-down place, and the food was good, as usual. Not super-good, mind you, but decent. We’ve been going there about once a month, for years, and they always seat us at the same table, and know our soup preferences, and that we add an egg roll to our orders, etc. They know us there, and I like that.
But on Saturday this message was inside my fortune cookie: The only one without a thorn is friendship. WTF? What does that mean? And Toney had the same exact “fortune.” Plus, the younger boy had a message with two spelling errors in it.
I think they’ve changed fortune cookie vendors, and that bothers me. I presume they did this to cut costs, and now they’re passing out cookies filled with nonsense — gibberish cookies. Plus, we’re getting repeats at the same table? The only one without a thorn is friendship?! That’s just a collection of random words, as best as I can tell. I don’t care for it. Their cookies were always semi-cogent in the past, now this.
What’s next? Grade C chicken? Uneaten shrimp reclamation? It’s a bad sign when the fortunes start going to shit. In fact, I think I might’ve read that in an earlier cookie, before the decline took hold.
There’s a breathtakingly ugly girl around these parts, who I see all the time. I barely leave the house, on account of the mental illness, but when I do… she’s often there. I call her Smashmouth, because her face looks like it’s been destroyed by a falling safe, or piano. Or maybe she was dropped as a baby, and accidentally kicked under a table? I just don’t know.
Her head is bigger and fleshier than normal, yet all her features are contained within a small area in the center of her face. I wonder if there’s some kind of surgical procedure where they can go in and space all that shit out a little better? I mean, there’s a lot of real estate available; there’s no need for concern.
In any case, I find it odd that I see her so often. I notice her inside grocery stores, at restaurants, in other cars while waiting on the traffic light to turn green… It’s bizarre.
And it makes me wonder: do I see lots of people over and over again, but since they’re not as “memorable” looking, they don’t register? Or do Smashmouth and I share some kind of weird synchronicity? Either way, I’d sure like to drop a photo of her face into Photoshop, and start moving things around. I think I could fix her.
Nancy is writing a book, for academics, and has started renting an “artist’s cabin” inside a so-called eco-village. She goes there several times per week, and is getting whipped up by all the craziness.
A few days ago she came home from the hippie commune and found lights on in three rooms, and a loaf of (are you sitting down?) white bread on the kitchen counter. Apparently she ripped her husband — who is already on thin ice — a new nostril.
She’s also started taking her family’s laundry to the “village,” and washing everything in a bicycle-powered washing machine. Heh. When Toney told me about this, I said, “Like on the Flintstones?” And when she told our younger boy, he said, “Like on Gilligan’s Island?”
Anyway, she’s all fired up and making everybody’s life a living hell. She told Toney she feels like a failure, because her kids are so “mainstream.” I almost swallowed my tongue when I heard that one. Mainstream?! You mean those see-through Robin Zander-hair public wiener flickers? The ones who laugh hysterically at cars driving down the street on TV, but sit stone-face when something funny happens? The ones who listen to recordings of John Williams film scores, like I used to listen to the Beatles?
Yeah, mainstream. Nancy almost rented a small space in an office building, but she and Nossy decided the eco-village route would be better. It was cheaper, and she thought it would be more inspiring, or something. I have no doubt he’s kicking himself for the part he played in that horrible decision. Good stuff.
And I need to call it a day, my friends. I have another scary meeting to attend at work in a couple of hours. Wish me luck. I’m an old fart, and have experienced a lot of bullshit along the way — but have never been under as much pressure as I am right now.
I’ll be back tomorrow, I hope. But every day’s an adventure, and we’ll have to see how it goes.
See ya soon!
Now playing in the bunker
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I live for Nancy and Nostrils stories. Thank you Jeff.
I’m with ya. Jeff should have a link to nothing but N&N stories/posts.
It would make my year is someone would compile all the N&N stories and create a link.
Fancy Pants Maguire says
Now I have this idea for a washing machine-powered bicycle….
WB in OH says
Good luck Jeff!
Patty (In Cleveland) says
I too run into the same people all the time and for some reason they are the odd ones. I wonder if the others just don’t register.
Grade C chicken, isn’t that what they put in Life Loaf?
I live in a town of about 30,000. I never see the same person twice when I go out. I rarely see people I know. It’s like they all evaporate when they aren’t at work. I think they are actually clocking out, since I live in a “Truman Show” like world.
What kind of weirdo rents a cabin to go write stuff in? Freak.
I wonder if Nossy actually recognizes the crazy and doesn’t care. Since he’s getting off the clock poon that isn’t a problem. Maybe he watches with a sterile detachment of all of Nancy’s strangeness and has a blog somewhere about it that we are all missing out on.
Alice in WV says
maybe Smashmouth is stalking you?
Root 66 says
That was my first thought, too. Maybe she’s a WVSR groupie, or something.
That was my thought as well.
Jeff, you didn’t say, but does she acknowledge you, do you smile at her? Can she keep a secret?
WB in OH says
I’m sure they skipped right past Grade C chicken and went straight to Grade A roadkill.
I heard on the radio this morning at a Chinese restaraunt somewhere in KY (imagine that) the employees drug a roadkill deer through the front doors with patrons inside and eating. Redneck Chinese.
Maybe I’m really weird, but if the deer was freshly killed, I really don’t see a problem with cooking and eating it. Why waste all that venison?
If it had been out there a day or two, then I start having qualms. 🙂
It would still need a tag. You can’t just grab up a deer carcasswithout informing the DEC. (at least that’s how it works in NY).
I don’t know about other states, but here in WV if the animal (deer,bear, etc.) is over 45lbs., legally you can pick it up off the side of the road and take it with you.
@Seanette- You wouldn’t want to eat it. It’d be too tough.
I don’t remember that being a problem the time my father brought home a deer he’d accidentally hit with a pickup. 🙂
Then again, my mother is a quite good cook.
Did anyone else here get the “Artist’s Cabin” / “Yurt” parallels or is it just how my brain works?
I was thinking the same thing.
Hal F. Wit says
As was I. We tend to complain about the things in other people that remind us of ourselves.
I wasn’t complaining about the cabin, I mentioned it to explain why she was at the eco village. I fully support the writing cabin.
Root 66 says
Maybe Nancy’s writing a novel about her weird family and how she has to live with them in order to get a big bunch of money…
There’s a guy in town who has horrific burns on his face, really bad. I see him about occasionally, and EVERY DAMN TIME I see him I do an involuntary double take, which he must notice. I cannot help it, I wish I could, but when your brain says “Fucking hell! Freddy Krueger in the cereal aisle!”…..
By karma law, you have to says “Bless their heart” after commenting about someone’s …. uniqueness.
Maybe the Chinese have outsourced the fortune cookie business to India?
I always end up seeing the same person over and over at an event with a crowd of people like at a Steeler game or a fair. It’s the weirdest thing. Not too many of them look like Smashmouth though.
Smashmouth may be the cousin of a woman I see frequently “Shrunken Apple Head Lady.” Her features all cave in. It’s friggin bizarre and a few times I found myself staring to see if she has teeth in her mouth. I never catch her talking though and I’m now obsessed with her upper plate.
“Ripped him a new nostril” made me snort! At work! Brilliant.
I hate obscure fortunes. Must be the 1/2 guinea in me – thinking that it’s symbolic of impending doom.
The Qweezy Mark says
“Shrunken Apple Head Lady”….Hah!……..that makes me happy!
Your apple head chick sounds like a living “Kitchen Witch”. It’s a little witch, usually riding her broom, that you hang in your kitchen to ward off evil spirits. And to bring comfort and coziness to your kitchen.
Hey…we’re fun AND educational here!
“The only one without a thorn is friendship”, is not a fortune and has no business being in that cookie. That may as well have said, “Steer clear of people with warts”. Think of it as a greeting card writer on opium. Thorns just flows better than warts. And a fortune should say something like, “You will soon be sucked under a train and cut in half.” Tell your fortune like the fucking cookie said it would do. I don’t need some opium head’s prose. “Your dick will soon fall off if you don’t stop it”, is more like.
“Ugliness at stoplights” made me think immediately of the way people drive here in NoVa. I did not expect Smashmouth. Thanks!
We moved to a suburb of Reading, PA in 1996. Now, be informed that we relocated from the Northern Panhandle of West Virginia, so we know strange folks when we see them, we are experts on the subject having approximately 800% above the national average for “extra-special” people.
I run into these girls just about every week (the Schappel sisters) at the mall, the grocery store, standing on a street corner, the supermarket, Ruby Tuesday’s, Dunkin Donuts, the bank, the post office, everywhere. It’s like they have my phone tapped and they make it their hobby to arrive wherever I am going one minute ahead of me. My wife claims she never sees them unless we are somewhere together, then, there they are.
I once encountered them having a huge argument in a grocery store. The “little one” who rides the bar stool wanted to buy a magazine and the big one was protesting. They were going at it about not having enough money. I slipped the little one five bucks to shut her up. The big one could not see me do it because she is permanently facing the opposite direction. The video link will explain that.
I have bought them everything from cab fare to Christmas trees. Maybe God sends them my way so I can pay for their shit as punishment since I always have money for cigarettes and beer, I dunno.
Check em out: They haunt me.
The Qweezy Mark says
That’s fucked up, yo! How do you think they get off ???
T. Farty McAppleass says
I guess it’s “wrong” that I jacked off to that video?
The Qweezy Mark says
If they were smart, they’d take it as a compliment. Is it wrong that I jacked off to your comment?
My wife and I can hardly be in the kitchen at the same time. Being co-joined in the kitchen at the same time? We’d have to keep the knife block under lock and key.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Well, I’ve continued to jack off to this video. Then it dawned on me that their situation is sad because they can never really use a kayak. But still, sexy as hell.
Bill in WV says
Could they qualify as a pair in a doubles tennis match?
hey now i’m piano face get your game on hey!
In st. louis there is a girl like that, fucked up duck face, whispy thinning hair, fat ass in sweats, and thinks she’s a karaeoke diva. I call her fugly.
Chess Piece Face and the Big Duluth call her every day.
The piano has been drinking, not me.
Jesus, Chill…Two of my long-time faves in one comment: TMBG and Mr. Waits.
I heard they had a space program
When they sing you can’t hear, there’s no air
Sometimes I think I kind of like that and
Other times I think I’m already there
Fancy Pants Maguire says
…the Shriners loaned us cars
We raced up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times
another Jeff...alienjeff says
1) Regarding your misfortunate fortunes at the Chinese restaurant: more Lost in the translation.
2) Regarding Smashmouth: your compassion hath no bounds. You get your advance tickets for that yearly, laugh-a-minute, live comedy (aka the Special Olympics) yet?
Mike the ripper says
I live in a town of 16K people and we have two guys that I see all time that induce full body shivers. The first is a small black man that has been horrificly burned and wears a hood that leaves nothing exposed but crispy, whitish/pink lips and milky eyes. The second is a 40’ish white guy that attempted suicide using the “shotgun to the face” method and failed. His profile is that of the letter “C” with holes where nostrils and mouth should be. Stay home people!!!!
Mike, there was a guy in Delaware, Ohio who attempted suicide by shotgun and failed. No lower jaw.
The first thought I had at the mention of bad fortune cookies was The Simpsons episode where it is revealed Homer has a knack at writing awesome fortunes for a local cookie maker. Here a few of his fortunes:
You will become aroused by a shampoo commercial
You will find true love on Flag Day
You will invent a humorous toilet lid
It’s too bad there was never a dinosaur called a Nossypuss. I was contemplating this while making the bed a few minutes ago…
Anyway, there’s not going to be an update today. Sorry. I’ll try again tomorrow.