I was driving to work yesterday, and some shit pouch was riding on my bumper again. I was going about 80, and this dude still wasn’t happy with it. Grrr… It’s one of the most annoying things in the world, and I always find myself wishing for the power of the Firestarter, whenever it happens.
Yesterday I moved over, the asshole jetted past me, and I got a good look at him: early twenties, white with ludicrous sideburns, wife-beater, dipshit baseball cap like Beiber, seat reclined too far back. God, how I hated him. I tried to will all four of his tires to blow out, simultaneously.
Then I started thinking… I’d love to have a ten-gallon tank installed in the rear of my car somewhere, and get it filled with raw sewage. It would have to be airtight, of course, so there would be no stink. Then there would be a button on the dashboard that would cause the contents of the tank to blow through a network of tubes, all over the windshield and hood of the car behind me.
It would be fantastic! Whenever someone began following too closely, I could serve them up a hardy stew of liquid shit, fermented piss, tampons, and partially decomposed toilet paper.
Does anyone know the phone number to the U.S. Patent Office?
I’m loving my new car, but am terrified of the First Ding. Ya know? Right now it’s perfect, and I’m going to be sad in my soul whenever that comes to an end. So, I find myself walking long distances, from less-populated sections of parking lots. It happens every time I get a new vehicle, this obsessive drive to delay the First Ding.
Hell, I see how people are. They swivel around on their enormous hams, and KICK their car door open with both feet. And they leave their shopping carts wherever the things happened to stop being of value to them… Sometimes it feels like it’s me against the pigs.
Of course, when it finally happens, and the mourning period is over, I’ll be free. Right now I’m a bundle of nerves, whenever I leave the house. The First Ding will be horrible, but also a weight lifted from my shoulders. It’s all quite complicated.
I forgot to tell you guys about this… A few weeks ago, when the boys were still in school, the older hooligan sent me a text message in the middle of the day.
It said: Can you send me a list of obscure fast food restaurants? Places that people around here wouldn’t know?
So, I sent him these: Hardee’s, Krystal, Checkers, Bojangles, Popeyes, Carl’s Jr., Jack in the Box, In and Out Burger, Del Taco, White Castle, Tastee Freez, Panda Express, Baja Fresh. Is that enough?
A few minutes later he wrote back: Yeah, thanks. I just got 10 points, extra credit.
And I’ve never remembered to ask him about it. What the hell, man? What class was he in? What were they talking about? Extra credit for Tastee Freez? It’s weird. I’m glad I could be of assistance, though. He goes to his mother for help with math and science. But whenever he needs information on the important stuff, he turns to me.
My boss accepted a job at another company. Last night was the last time I’ll ever work with her, and it sucks. She’s really great. I almost got choked up when we were saying our goodbyes.
She knew I was capable, and left me alone. I could turn to her for advice, and she offered it when she felt it was necessary, but basically I was just allowed to do my job. And that’s quite rare. I’ll miss her, and worry (needless to say) about who might be her replacement.
For a Question, I’d like to know about your best boss ever, and your worst. You can describe them however you’d like.
I’ve worked for micro-managers, who made me insane. And I’ve worked for assholes who “led” via unrelenting intimidation and yelling. But I’ve also had some really good ones along the way. So, list their general attributes, or get more personal. Whatever’s cool with me. Just don’t give us their full names, OK?
And that’s gonna do it for today, my friends. I’ll be back soon.
Have yourselves a great weekend!
Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
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I nailed a cop car with a board once. He was following way to close. So close I started to think that if I just tapped the breaks he’d rear end me. He was probably running my out of state plates, trying to find a reason to ticket me for something.
I saw so junk in the road up ahead, a pallet had fallen off of a truck and was laying in pieces on the road. I thought it was a long shot, and risked damage to my own car, but figured why not.
I aimed my tire at the busted wood. When I hit the pallet boards I heard them bouncing under my car. When the wood hit the back tire, a piece at least a few feet long and several inches thick popup to windshield level. The cop was too close to react, I saw a big crack split across his windshield. He slammed on his breaks and never caught back up with me.
It was one of the most vindicating events of my life.
These are the breaks. This is the clutch.
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You car having a break pedal = 6 months in the Gulag 🙂
I was quoting the mockery we used to do back when that song was current. Was it Kurtis Blow?
Anyway, I have owned cars that absolutely had break pedals. Step on any pedal and the car breaks. Repair cost for each incident is a boat (ABOut A Thousand).
And I completely agree on the sentencing guidelines.
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BOAT acronym = Break Out Another Thousand
Suspended 6 months for acronym fuckwittery 🙂
I’m drooling over one of those Alfa 4Cs, to replace my 14 year old current toy car. They have BOAT written all over them but dammit I want one.
Mine will be an Alfetta GT, or a square-taillight 2002.
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I hope you’re a mechanic. Those aren’t BOAT they’re YACHT.
That’s just fantasy shit. You know, the world where purple unicorns piss sugar syrup and Italian cars never break down. I’ve done my share of camshaft aligning and cylinder honing, and I must say that working on cars just isn’t fun anymore. Nobody should have to know what a cracked synchro blocking ring feels like, or what a Guibo coupling is.
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I do know what a guibo is.
BMW = Break my Windshield.
I am pretty sure a patent for that is already in place but is owned by network TV. Same principle just a different delivery method.
Good lord, 6pm est and no comments? I feel like a loser.
Anyway Jeff, it’s a goddamn Suzuki. Scratches ought to be least of your worries. Remember the Suzuki JX, the poor man’s Jeep? Of course you don’t. That’s because they were all melted down decades ago. Just like Fiat’s “faux” re-entry into the market, things haven’t changed much. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Caucasian driving a zuki. Post a pic for us while you’re waiting for the next tow.
Threw my back out today. Hope I wasn’t too harsh.
Jeff, maybe you should be her replacement. You’re very ambitious and looking to climb that corporate ladder so I’m sure you’re all over this.
The only ladders Jeff knows about are short and leaning against yurts. They are usually made of wood, not metaphors.
Goddamn back is killing me.
I’m glad you threw your back out, you’re stupid.
When your back gets better, email me, and I’ll reinstate your posting privileges. For now, you’re banned for being a dick.
DOH!
Maybe Mr. Ludicrous Sideburns was Jeff’s new boss going in for orientation!
I used to run audio for a morning news program, and we had to be there at 4:30am to start our newsbreaks by 5am and the 2-hour news program at 6am. Our director used to stumble in, drunk out of his skull, at 5:50am, and vomit into a bucket throughout the newscast. “Ready camera 4, take camera bleeeeagh. Bleaaaagh. Cough, cough, sputter.” This happened at least twice a week. He wasn’t technically my boss, but he was the most senior person there until at least 8am every day and, being the director, ran the whole show, and could tell us all what to do, so that was fun …
Wow. I’ve done that job for a local station – Today Show cut-ins, news at noon and 6pm and 11pm. Also the proudly-required public affairs shows, Mr. Food segments and the like. Audio, camera shading, tapes, master control. But the directors were a pretty cool bunch, we didn’t have anybody like that. Although the production manager was missing all his front teeth because he played hockey in his youth.
At my present job, we had (he recently quit) a warehouse manager who dearly loved his Jack. Most of his sentences began with “Duuude…”. One time I was trying to ask him if we had a certain item in stock that I could borrow for testing, and he said “Dude, I’m an inventory guy. I have no idea what this stuff is. It could be macaroni and cheese, it could be pantyhose – I don’t care.”
Ooh, it’s so good.
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Jeff why don’t you get a Suzuki motorcycle to match your car for the commute to work?Pretty sure they get 50+ mpg and im also pretty sure it’s about time for a mid-life crisis of some sort. So get a motorcycle and get out there man you need to do this.
Reading the stories about the devils parkway has me convinced that’s the last place I’d ever take my motorcycle.
At a job a few years back, my husband just lost his job and we were in a tough spot, I needed to be kinda dressy for this job but I was too broke to buy new clothes, I explained this to my boss who was super nice and the next day she handed me a $100 gift card for JC Penney that she got with her own money. It was the nicest thing any boss had ever done for me.
“Does anyone know the phone number to the U.S. Patent Office?”
I’m pretty sure one of the Bonds had Q make him a shit dumping car device…..but I could be wrong.
All you need is a piece of cardboard with “ASSHOLE” written in large letters. You won’t believe how good it feels to flash it at pesky drivers.
I used to have one similar in my truck which read “FUH Q” that I’d whip out on occasion. Got plenty of weird reactions to that one, mainly the dog hearing a weird noise head tilt.
The best boss I ever had died last month. He was only 38, and had a heart attack. I was joking around with him earlier that day….
He was great. Always trying to help everyone out too…. letting me do my job,,,,
I once had a boss that wrote me up for an incident that didn’t happen. Then when I signed the paper and wrote “This event, in its entirety, is fictional.” As my defense I got fired for insubordination…..
🙂
I’ve had both good and bad bosses throughout my professional life. They’ve ranged from mean to crazy to anal-retentive. The whole gamut.
One boss, when I worked as a financial analyst, could not work alone. He’d call me into his office, and I could gauge the amount of time I’d be held prisoner by the size of the accounting paper he’d whip out. He was not computer-literate, so everything he did was by hand.
Really bad days were when he’d pull out a ream of 20-column accounting paper and a big ruler. That would be good for about 12 hours.
I worked for a Swiss boss who had a gigantic stick up his ass. Never smiled, never shot the shit. Everything on his desk was in neat piles, everything at right angles. I, Mr. Fuckit, was the exact opposite. Whenever I put anything on his desk, I would make sure that it was at an oblique angle, just to burn his ass.
I know just how you feel about your new car, Jeff. After being down to one car for a few months, I was able to get a 2013 yellow beetle. It is a thing of beauty and yes, I am a 50 year old woman….the prime demographic for those cars. Anyway, after having it for 2 months, my pride and joy is now sporting a DENT AND GOUGE on the rear fender. I park far away from everyone and some asshat backed into me evidently. Or it was some hick with a giant, jacked up truck who door dinged me HARD. The estimate is $800.
$500 deductible. Awe. some.
Time to update dat resume, just in case…
a real man from west virginia would know that a ‘poke’ of mailpouch is very effective against tailgaters
I’ve missed some great updates. Damn. I just want to add that I recall, as a child, my Grandfather denting the hood of my grandmother’s new Cadillac with a claw hammer, to get her beyond the condition that Jeff is describing. I remember thinking, “Goddamn. That’s crazy.” Yes, even as a child my language was terrible. Love y’all.
My wife put my first dent in my new car when she pulled a cooler off a shelf in the garage and dropped it on the front left corner of the hood. I have to see it everytime I go to get in that bastard and drive somewhere. I took it to the dealer who has this $50 paintless dent repair. They said they could pop it out but since it is on the rounded corner of the hood, it would probably pop the paint right off too.
My worse boss is my present boss. He has worked at the company forever as has most of my co-workers. They have this old boy network where they all do what they want (which isn’t much) and expect me and two others who have only been in the department a couple of years to pick up the slack if we expect a decent review and a bonus at year’s end. Hate these motherfuckers.
My new boss is younger than I am – not automatically a problem. He’s a pretty sharp guy, but has far less experience in the business and far less seniority in the company than I do. My guess is that he continued his previous pattern of threatening to quit unless he got a raise, and eventually the only way they could justify a raise for him was to promote him above me.
I didn’t get a review this year since we’re on a pay freeze (again). On top of that, as of June 1 the entire company was hit with a 10% pay cut. So after adjusting for inflation, I’m making considerably less than when I started with the company in 2001.
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I feel your pain. My boss is retiring in august.
When some fartknocker is riding my ass, I take my foot off the gas (no harsh brake lights) and cruise down to about 30 MPH. I take backroads to work where the speed limit is 35 but we usually do 50. It’s a very windy road and if some asswipe wants to try to get it up to 70, that’s just begging for trouble.
Speaking of bosses, I just got a new position (same company) starting on Monday. Because I had the best job they had to go ahead and fuck with me. But, they just had a massive global layoff and I’m still here so I guess I should be happy with that. Shouldn’t i? Or am I just bullshitting myself???
Jeff, I managed a good 3-1/2 years before my first noticeable ding. Someone clipped my hood in the library parking lot. Before that, I ran over a stick or soemthing in winter and got a ding on the under carriage. I still park the furthest away. At least the longer walk is good for me! Good luck with the new wheels. What color did you get?
I hate those assholes that think I must know all the cops, because they will ride my arse on the highway whether I do 50 or 80. speed up, so do they. Slow down, so do they. I once had one guy slow down to less than 30 mph as I gradually eased off the expressway. I was prepared to kick some ass if he actually stopped behind me.
A friend taught me this little trick a few years ago. I have used it twice.
find some old marbles. everyone of a certain age has marbles don’t you? If not a small bag costs about a buck at Walmart – they have them, I have looked!
When you get that tailgater, roll the window down just a crack, and drop a marble out. A marble won’t kill someone or go thru a windsheid, but just like a rock throw off a large truck has the potential to crack a windshield or at least scare the shit out of them when they hear that CRACK of something hitting the grill at 70 mph.
Slows em down every time. And nothing anyone can do about it because for all anyone knows, they just hit a rock that was flying off your car’s tires.
My dad has a solution for your “first ding” problem:
Back in the 1950s, he had bought a brand-new Packard. Right there in the sales lot he asked the salesman for a ballpein hammer. He took the hammer, reached under the rear fender of the car and gave it a firm “Whack!” The salesman about crapped his pants. Dad just looked at him and said, “There, now I don’t have to worry about the first dent!”
As for tailgaters, I just keep slowing down until they get aggravated enough to pass. It’s not like the interstate doesn’t have 2 or 3 other lanes to pick from…Sheesh!
And no, I don’t drive in the left lane!
I once had a boss who was going through a divorce from a spouse who apparently hit her. I understand that this was probably a very difficult time for her, but unfortunately she responded to this life event by becoming somewhat of a man-hater. Furthermore, she took it out on me (her only male supervisee) to some extent. She became snarky, petty, and refused to credit me with work I was doing. Offered as a concrete example: I was mentoring an intern, and provided a substantial amount of support on a project that she was doing for the department. When it came time to present the results of this project; I wasn’t even mentioned. This was one but many instances when I came to realize that I had become a persona non grata in the workplace. I still believe that this was based solely on my gender. I felt that I needed to leave this position as a result of the working climate that developed. Like just about every other event in my life, this proved to be an opportunity for me rather than a setback. I have always managed to make lemonade out of my circumstances somehow. I guess I’ve been lucky in this regard. I agree with JK that the best bosses are the ones that leave you alone to do the work that needs to be done, but are there for consultation when you need it. This particular person is now in academia, where she is no doubt free to misbehave in any way that makes her happy. Feel free to say some Hail Marys for her grad students if you feel so inclined.
Did this intern write the horrible hit “I Go To Extremes”? If so, Billy, you’re better off not getting mentioned for that pile of cow shit.
My worst boss is where I am now. Nothing worse than working for a husband/wife team. The wife runs the office. She loves letting everyone know who’s in charge. She micro-manages us to death and depending on the mood dejour, she may come in with a huge attitude and do the “I’m the boss…point and yell act.
A word to the wise…NEVER work for a husband and wife team. It’s all about them.
Being in a band with a husband-wife team can be a nightmare too.
Were you part of Ike & Tina Turner’s band?
Yeah, He carried Ike’s brass knuckles for him.
Jeff, I know where you live, but those are ” exotic” fast food joints? God help you. I’m from Las Vegas but have been in Reno for the past 4 years. I know that Renobis close to your heart…heehee. I thought I was deprived in that depressing ass town. It simply ain’t right to have never experienced Popeye’s, Del Taco, Jack in the Box, etc….Please help me understand!
Second only to a husband and wife team in the first stages of a cut-throat divorce…been there.
Best boss ever? Managing editor of Troy (Ohio) Daily News back in the 1970s. Unlimited, unquestioned overtime to make up for meager salary, refrigerator stocked with free beer for those working late, always approachable, interested and encouraging.
Bought a new Chrysler 300 SRT in 2006. A guy in a red Ford truck door dinged my car (a deep door ding/dent) when the car had about 500 miles on it. I believe he had to buy a new door for his truck when I was finished kicking it.
Best boss, Swedish sales manager 1992 to 1999. He told me that I would never hear from him unless I was doing something wrong. I would call him about every 6 months to say hello, that was the extent of our communications.
Steve Marsan. Best boss ever.
Best job I ever had, can’t tell you the name of my boss. Can’t remember his last name, and his first name was so toadily weird that there’s probably only one of him in the world. Anyhow, I had taught at a business college in WV and loved it, so I applied for one here in Central Nowhere Ohio when we ended up here. The administrator of the facility had been in public education for many years. He sized me up and decided I was sincere enough to learn a few things and at the same time do a good job teaching. I knew my subject backwards and forwards but my only computer experience had been the 4-day migraine I got when I learned to use a mouse on my PC (prior to this, the only experience I had looking at something to do something else was looking in a mirror to put on makeup. Using a mouse, however, is not done while looking at a mirror image. Thus, the migraine). So, this wise and wonderful man gave me 2 classes in computers to teach. My smarty sons fell off their chairs laughing when I came in from my interview all excited about teaching computer classes. However, I went right to work on it and managed to stay at least a half step ahead of my students, and learned more than they did, as you always do in teaching–if you are doing it right. One class, introduction to computers, was fabulous. You just popped in the CD and took off with the interactive format. The other class, however, was an abystch–that is a hybrid of abysmal and bitch. It was some sort of advanced Word application. Some days it was touch and go whether me or any student(s) would end up in tears first. Come to find out, the program always crashed when it got into the far reaches of its bad self, and you needed a supercomputer to keep up with it, anyway, which the school did not have. After we were informed of the realities of the situation, though, we were all able to pretty much relax and enjoy learning, to say nothing of enjoying creating new verbiage with which to express our innermost feelings about the whole situation as we watched hours and hours of work disappear ‘neath the insatiable tide of the blue screen of death. And compulsive clicking of Save did not help. But I learned, and when that job went south, I was able to get another one based on what I had learned, and spent my remaining years in the workforce working from home, which is where I was needed at the time. So thanks, er, what’s yer name.
If you have little kids, don’t ever work for a boss who’s single or one of those “we’re never gonna have kids” married pricks. Life is all about them. When you have to leave work early because the school nurse calls and says your child is sick and you need to come get him/her…those asshole bosses described above always give you shit. I worked for a guy like that…initials RF…if you’re reading this….then “EFF-U”. I hope your wife’s Krohn disease riddled colon falls out.
love, a former employee
Jeff, I know where you live, but those are ” exotic” fast food joints? God help you. I’m from Las Vegas but have been in Reno for the past 4 years. I know that Renobis close to your heart…heehee. I thought I was deprived in that depressing ass town. It simply ain’t right to have never experienced Popeye’s, Del Taco, Jack in the Box, etc….Please help me understand!
Sorry to be off topic, but when you touch a cord…