On Saturday I helped the older Secret make a “movie” with his new Flip video camera. I am the star of this one-minute epic, and we called it Beans.
It opens with a shot of me rummaging through our kitchen cabinet, and settling on a can of Campbell’s pork ‘n’ beans. I’m shown taking it to our dining room table, removing the pop-top lid, and eating the contents with an enormous spoon.
In the process I get the “juice” all over my face and halfway down my neck. I’m doing my best over-the-top imitation of Nostrildamus in a rotisserie chicken frenzy… And the cameraman had a hard time holding the shot, because of highly unprofessional laughter.
Then I stop in mid-chew, have a look of distress on my face, and lift one butt cheek high off the chair.
At that point the Secret spliced in short snippets of stuff we stole off YouTube, including a mushroom cloud, nuclear destruction, a train crash, vintage tornado mayhem, Pete Townshend windmilling his arm, Mrs. Puff puffing up, a NASCAR wreck, etc. etc.
Finally, after all the explosions and chaos, it switches back to me at the dining room table. And I rub my stomach and say, “Woo!”
Yes, we were very proud of our accomplishment. And once this art film was completed we showed it to Toney, who laughed but balked at the idea of us uploading it to the internet.
“Doesn’t anything embarrass you?” she asked me.
This was enough to trigger just the tiniest bit of doubt about my performance, and I forbade the Secret from sending it to YouTube. Upon additional viewings, I realized Toney was right, once again. Beans just wasn’t the proper vehicle for me, at this particular point in my acting career. And it’s been shelved.
But, of course, everything will undoubtedly come out, after I announce my candidacy for the United States Senate…
ms. barbara jane says
Aw c’mon. You should YouTube it. Nobody but us needs to know it’s you.
Am I first???
I don’t even care.
Even I have a youtube account!
Brad K says
I’ll wait for the Special Edition Director’s Cut. Ummm, no pun intended.
Just like my race on Sat…
Bill, just Bill says
Jeff- I think that you should at least send a link for Beans out to the WVSR mailing list, and then let us decide if you are sitting on the next viral video sensation or not…
That is NOT an erection I smell….
Wow – top 10!
I got an add for the Brooklyn Pork store when I loaded the page…
coincidence? I think not….
Your Public. says
Oldest Secret says
Screw you dad! I’m rebelling and posting that bitch online! Stay tuned loyal Surf Reporters…
Are you at least going to share “Beans” with your loyal followers? I know I, for one, could use a good laugh on Monday.
Happy Monday, Surfers! Mom’s on her way for a cuppola days. Gonna add Valium to the mix, just in case.
other kristin says
Will you post it if we say “pretty please”? Or “pretty please with sugar and spice on top”?
How about if we promise to share our own embarrassing home videos?
Maybe you can post it with one of those black boxes over your face to protect your identity.
I agree it should be on youtube. Come on!!
Susan In NWPA says
I must be in the minority. I’m a stick-in-the-mud and do not find bathroom humor funny. I just wish my bf would figure that out!
Bean, beans, the musical fruit . . .
Shiny Rod says
Wow, an update and Charlie West too! Jeff, your spoiling us.
The sky is blue, grass is green, Farts are funny.
Mrs. L. Bangs says
AM I the only one who is one click away from checking youtube? If I find it, I’ll report back.
Over and out.
Mrs. L. Bangs says
But I did find Jeff’s Bean Fetish video:
Max Girth says
C’Mon Publish the video!
Would Geroge Lucas be where he is at today if not for the courage to let others see his work?
America needs a good portly/swarthy man to fill this role. Not since Orson or Brando have we had a decent trouser trumpeteer in film.
We’ll see it one day when the secret becomes the new David Lynch. It’ll be the ‘Eraser Head’ of it’s time. People will be scratching their heads saying ‘WTF?’
Send the video to readers who are clueless as to how to post it to YouTube. The get to watch it, but can’t embarrass you by posting it ourselves (I mean, themselves). You know. Because there are actually some of those folks out here. I mean there.
I’m torn…I want to see it and laugh uproariously, but I have complete faith in Toney’s judgement.
I, for one, don’t have a clue how to post at youtube, and I’m completely trustworthy (if I say I wouldn’t do something, I won’t do it), but I’m not sure I’d trust any other Surf Reporter NOT to post it.
Here I sit broken hearted,
Paid my nickel, only farted
Mrs. L. Bangs,
That bean video made me throw up in my mouth. That guy is a grade-A weirdo. I sometimes like to put on a fishnet speedo and fill it with BBQ sauce and noodle salad, but I’m not weird.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters………..
I immediately thought of a little poem one of my high school buddies used to repeat often, especially after letting one rip……..
“Farts are funny……
farts are cute.
Farts in the bathtub
go bloop, bloop, bloop…..”
Sounds like a good time had by all. Now post a link so a good time can be had by the rest of us!
Aw man, come ON. Don’t be a tease. POST it!!
Alice in WV says
really… i mean, really… why did you tell us about it and then NOT show us? you’re such a tease.
matt k says
you have to post it, now that you’ve told us…it’s like….well fuck i don’t know what it’s like, but it has to go up.
For your consideration:
DailyMotion is just like youtube
with a lessor audience
They also allow larger files sizes than youtube
We GOTTA see this Jeff!