On Saturday I helped the older Secret make a “movie” with his new Flip video camera. I am the star of this one-minute epic, and we called it Beans.
It opens with a shot of me rummaging through our kitchen cabinet, and settling on a can of Campbell’s pork ‘n’ beans. I’m shown taking it to our dining room table, removing the pop-top lid, and eating the contents with an enormous spoon.
In the process I get the “juice” all over my face and halfway down my neck. I’m doing my best over-the-top imitation of Nostrildamus in a rotisserie chicken frenzy… And the cameraman had a hard time holding the shot, because of highly unprofessional laughter.
Then I stop in mid-chew, have a look of distress on my face, and lift one butt cheek high off the chair.
At that point the Secret spliced in short snippets of stuff we stole off YouTube, including a mushroom cloud, nuclear destruction, a train crash, vintage tornado mayhem, Pete Townshend windmilling his arm, Mrs. Puff puffing up, a NASCAR wreck, etc. etc.
Finally, after all the explosions and chaos, it switches back to me at the dining room table. And I rub my stomach and say, “Woo!”
Yes, we were very proud of our accomplishment. And once this art film was completed we showed it to Toney, who laughed but balked at the idea of us uploading it to the internet.
“Doesn’t anything embarrass you?” she asked me.
This was enough to trigger just the tiniest bit of doubt about my performance, and I forbade the Secret from sending it to YouTube. Upon additional viewings, I realized Toney was right, once again. Beans just wasn’t the proper vehicle for me, at this particular point in my acting career. And it’s been shelved.
But, of course, everything will undoubtedly come out, after I announce my candidacy for the United States Senate…