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Opposition Research of the Future

August 11, 2008 By Jeff 32 Comments

On Saturday I helped the older Secret make a “movie” with his new Flip video camera.  I am the star of this one-minute epic, and we called it Beans.

It opens with a shot of me rummaging through our kitchen cabinet, and settling on a can of Campbell’s pork ‘n’ beans.  I’m shown taking it to our dining room table, removing the pop-top lid, and eating the contents with an enormous spoon.

In the process I get the “juice” all over my face and halfway down my neck.  I’m doing my best over-the-top imitation of Nostrildamus in a rotisserie chicken frenzy…  And the cameraman had a hard time holding the shot, because of highly unprofessional laughter.

Then I stop in mid-chew, have a look of distress on my face, and lift one butt cheek high off the chair.

At that point the Secret spliced in short snippets of stuff we stole off YouTube, including a mushroom cloud, nuclear destruction, a train crash, vintage tornado mayhem, Pete Townshend windmilling his arm, Mrs. Puff puffing up, a NASCAR wreck, etc. etc.

Finally, after all the explosions and chaos, it switches back to me at the dining room table.  And I rub my stomach and say, “Woo!”

Yes, we were very proud of our accomplishment.  And once this art film was completed we showed it to Toney, who laughed but balked at the idea of us uploading it to the internet.

“Doesn’t anything embarrass you?” she asked me.

This was enough to trigger just the tiniest bit of doubt about my performance, and I forbade the Secret from sending it to YouTube.  Upon additional viewings, I realized Toney was right, once again.  Beans just wasn’t the proper vehicle for me, at this particular point in my acting career.  And it’s been shelved.

But, of course, everything will undoubtedly come out, after I announce my candidacy for the United States Senate…

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Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. ms. barbara jane says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    Aw c’mon. You should YouTube it. Nobody but us needs to know it’s you.

    Am I first???
    I don’t even care.

    Reply
  2. Knucklehead says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:32 pm

    Second!

    Reply
  3. Harumpa says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    Even I have a youtube account!
    C’mon, Jeff!

    Reply
  4. Brad K says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    I’ll wait for the Special Edition Director’s Cut. Ummm, no pun intended.

    Reply
  5. Kevindust says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    Fifth!!
    Just like my race on Sat…

    Reply
  6. Bill, just Bill says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    Jeff- I think that you should at least send a link for Beans out to the WVSR mailing list, and then let us decide if you are sitting on the next viral video sensation or not…

    That is NOT an erection I smell….

    Reply
  7. Jen says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:41 pm

    Wow – top 10!

    Reply
  8. Michael says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    I got an add for the Brooklyn Pork store when I loaded the page…

    coincidence? I think not….
    m.

    Reply
  9. Your Public. says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    Charley’s back!

    Reply
  10. Oldest Secret says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:43 pm

    Screw you dad! I’m rebelling and posting that bitch online! Stay tuned loyal Surf Reporters…

    Reply
  11. Poo says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    Top ten?

    Reply
  12. Knucklehead says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    Are you at least going to share “Beans” with your loyal followers? I know I, for one, could use a good laugh on Monday.

    Happy Monday, Surfers! Mom’s on her way for a cuppola days. Gonna add Valium to the mix, just in case.

    Reply
  13. other kristin says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:48 pm

    Will you post it if we say “pretty please”? Or “pretty please with sugar and spice on top”?

    How about if we promise to share our own embarrassing home videos?
    Maybe you can post it with one of those black boxes over your face to protect your identity.

    Reply
  14. Kristy says

    August 11, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    I agree it should be on youtube. Come on!!

    Reply
  15. Susan In NWPA says

    August 11, 2008 at 1:00 pm

    I must be in the minority. I’m a stick-in-the-mud and do not find bathroom humor funny. I just wish my bf would figure that out!

    Reply
  16. Rusty says

    August 11, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    Bean, beans, the musical fruit . . .

    Reply
  17. Shiny Rod says

    August 11, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    Wow, an update and Charlie West too! Jeff, your spoiling us.

    Reply
  18. Carla says

    August 11, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    The sky is blue, grass is green, Farts are funny.
    The End.

    Reply
  19. Mrs. L. Bangs says

    August 11, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    AM I the only one who is one click away from checking youtube? If I find it, I’ll report back.

    Over and out.

    Reply
  20. Mrs. L. Bangs says

    August 11, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    Nope.

    But I did find Jeff’s Bean Fetish video:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DI4pgnYx5w

    Reply
  21. Max Girth says

    August 11, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    C’Mon Publish the video!

    Would Geroge Lucas be where he is at today if not for the courage to let others see his work?

    America needs a good portly/swarthy man to fill this role. Not since Orson or Brando have we had a decent trouser trumpeteer in film.

    Reply
  22. Txty says

    August 11, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    We’ll see it one day when the secret becomes the new David Lynch. It’ll be the ‘Eraser Head’ of it’s time. People will be scratching their heads saying ‘WTF?’

    out, y’all

    Reply
  23. wordnerd says

    August 11, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Send the video to readers who are clueless as to how to post it to YouTube. The get to watch it, but can’t embarrass you by posting it ourselves (I mean, themselves). You know. Because there are actually some of those folks out here. I mean there.

    Ahem.

    Reply
  24. Kathleen says

    August 11, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    I’m torn…I want to see it and laugh uproariously, but I have complete faith in Toney’s judgement.

    I, for one, don’t have a clue how to post at youtube, and I’m completely trustworthy (if I say I wouldn’t do something, I won’t do it), but I’m not sure I’d trust any other Surf Reporter NOT to post it.

    Reply
  25. Rusty says

    August 11, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    Here I sit broken hearted,
    Paid my nickel, only farted

    Reply
  26. Jason says

    August 11, 2008 at 3:15 pm

    Mrs. L. Bangs,

    That bean video made me throw up in my mouth. That guy is a grade-A weirdo. I sometimes like to put on a fishnet speedo and fill it with BBQ sauce and noodle salad, but I’m not weird.

    Reply
  27. JCIII says

    August 11, 2008 at 3:17 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters………..

    I immediately thought of a little poem one of my high school buddies used to repeat often, especially after letting one rip……..

    “Farts are funny……
    farts are cute.
    Farts in the bathtub
    go bloop, bloop, bloop…..”

    Reply
  28. Alex says

    August 11, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    Sounds like a good time had by all. Now post a link so a good time can be had by the rest of us!

    Reply
  29. tiff says

    August 11, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    Aw man, come ON. Don’t be a tease. POST it!!

    Reply
  30. Alice in WV says

    August 11, 2008 at 7:48 pm

    really… i mean, really… why did you tell us about it and then NOT show us? you’re such a tease.

    Reply
  31. matt k says

    August 11, 2008 at 9:05 pm

    you have to post it, now that you’ve told us…it’s like….well fuck i don’t know what it’s like, but it has to go up.

    Reply
  32. CitizenX says

    August 11, 2008 at 9:15 pm

    For your consideration:

    DailyMotion is just like youtube
    with a lessor audience
    http://www.dailymotion.com/

    They also allow larger files sizes than youtube
    FOR FREE

    We GOTTA see this Jeff!

    Reply

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