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Five Unrelated Items, with a Smattering of Profanity

December 3, 2008 By Jeff 93 Comments

I was driving home from work last night (this morning), on a deserted highway which eventually feeds into the cluster-copulation that is I-81.  George Noory was on, and I was fiddling with the radio, trying to find a station with better reception.

And, after only two or three seconds, I looked up, and there was a GIANT deer standing in the middle of the road.  Just standing there, like it was made of ceramic, right in front of my car.  And the floor of my ass nearly fell out.

Instinctively I maneuvered around it, and almost went up on two wheels.  And it wasn’t a conscious move either, my central nervous system just kicked-in and took over.  I went careening onto the shoulder, then back into the lane, before I even knew what had happened.

There was an insta-spike of adrenaline, and my heart was banging around like an unbalanced washing machine.

What the hell, man?!  Was it locked-in on my headlights, or something?  Is that what they do?  I don’t know, but it was scary.  I’ll find out when I leave for work in a little while, but I think I might’ve shit the headrest.

A few weeks ago we were in Target, and I bought something on a whim.  It cost a little less than ten bucks, but turned out to be one of the most useful items at the Surf Report Compound.  I have it in the bunker here, and don’t know how I got by without it for so many years.

And this time I’m not setting up a joke… Here’s what I’m talking about.  Oh, we have other flashlights around the house, some with functioning batteries and some without, but this one is kept by my computer and is the current Greatest Thing Ever.

What’s the best ten dollars you’ve spent recently?

Toney and I (Toney) are considering ditching our home telephone, altogether.  It’s rarely used, everyone calls our cell phones, and costs us more than fifty bucks per month.

Have any of you done this?  What’s the downside?  One that jumps to mind is that the home phone can be heard ringing all over the house, because there are three extensions.  But with a cell you might not hear it, if you’re not in the same room, or if it’s left on vibrate.  Right?

Anyway, what are your thoughts on this dilemma?  Have any of you taken the plunge on it?  I feel like we’re flushing fifty dollars down the crapper every month.  And fifty dollars will buy a lot of beer and cheese blocks.

Yesterday I signed up for a continuing-education class at the University of Scranton.  It’s called HTML and JavaScript Basics, and will be meeting on two consecutive Thursdays in January.  Twelve hours total, compressed into two days.

The reason?  With WordPress I regularly need to perform minor manipulations of code, and don’t know what I’m doing.  Don’t know shit.

The University offers a web page design certificate, which includes the class I’ll be taking, and if I like it I might do the Full Monty and get the certificate.  But we’ll cross that burning bridge when we get to it.

It’s gonna be weird being in a classroom again.  I took a fiction writing class in California, but it was basically just three people sitting around talking.  Before that it was probably my half-assed attempt at college, in the mid-1980s.

I told my friend Tim about it yesterday, and he said, “You’re not gonna run the teacher’s shoes up a flagpole, are you?”  Which is a reference to something that happened in high school…

“That’s completely up to him,” I answered.

Do you have any experience with continuing education classes?  I’m always intrigued by them, but never actually take the time to enroll.  What about you?

And finally, I spoke with the T-Shirt Lady yesterday.  She said she’s still waiting on the full bolt of fabric sizes to arrive at her place, but thought she’d have them today.

She’s estimating our order will be ready for pick-up sometime on Friday.  And if that happens Toney and I will lay in some quality beer, and set up a makeshift distribution center in the family room.  Our goal will be to process every order in one marathon session.

So, if you want the kick-ass Evil Twin-designed West Virginia Surf Report v. 4.0 t-shirt before the “winter holiday,” get your orders in today.  You don’t want to miss our hops and barley-fueled all-nighter this weekend, because it’ll probably be another full week before I’ll have the opportunity to tend to it again.

Here’s yer link.

And I want to publicly thank Evil Twin’s Wife who simultaneously “pimped” her husband, and the new shirts at her site recently.  Very cool.  You guys have gone above and beyond, and I appreciate it.  Also, the new look of the site is kick-ass!

That’s going to do it for today, boys and girls.  Have yourselves a great Wednesday, and remember to steer every conversation toward Cobb salad tomorrow.

Do it for the children!

Now playing in the bunker.

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Comments

  1. Jason says

    December 3, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Gretchen,
    No, I stopped doing that a long time ago. It’s been, oh I don’t know, three or four days since I’ve layed in the bathtub with a thawed squid sprawled across my stomach.

    Reply
  2. Gretchen says

    December 3, 2008 at 7:26 pm

    Just one? Pffpht, you are slipping.

    Reply
  3. Jason says

    December 3, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    Just one? That’s all it takes. I lay in the tub with a squid on my stomach, wearing my muddy boots, and then an escort comes in (dressed as papa smurf) and drops a water balloon full of vomit on my head. And I just lay there thinking, “it don’t get no better than this.”

    Reply
  4. Gretchen says

    December 3, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Ah yes, there’s the Jason we all know. And now, having officially unleashed the Kraken, I’m out!

    Reply
  5. Bill in WV says

    December 3, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    Jason, another classic !!

    Reply
  6. Alice in WV says

    December 3, 2008 at 9:41 pm

    “shit the headrest” – I just about spewed! funny stuff

    Reply
  7. ohiogrl says

    December 3, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    Lost the job in August to a lovely Indian corporation….have full access to Skillport/Skillsoft until end of Jan. Haven’t used it yet. Afreaid my computer might choke and smoke. That’s all the experience I’ve had.

    Reply
  8. Kathleen says

    December 3, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    I dumped the land line years ago when I got my cell phone. I was making damn near phone calls on it (even w/o a cell phone), but needed the cell phone for all the trips I was making around the country (driving alone). I don’t miss it…even when I lose the damn thing in the house and can’t find it, like now…but I don’t care because I hate the phone, although it’s helpful when your brother in CA is having surgery and his girlfriend calls to say it went well, but I don’t hear it ringing because it’s on silent, although I swear I switched it to ring when I got home. *sigh* How does that happen?

    Of course, I wonder how that works when you have teenagers (or near teenagers) who are going to be getting phone calls from friends nonstop within a few short years.

    I never see any deer, but maybe I finally would if they were on the bloody road in front of me. Not that I want to.

    Reply
  9. Kathleen says

    December 3, 2008 at 10:28 pm

    Bloody hell. “…damn near NO phone calls…”

    Reply
  10. Tyrosine says

    December 3, 2008 at 10:48 pm

    Gretchen & Jason: Oh, you think tentacle porn is bad? Yeah? Really? Well scope this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwdhgwXXcXk

    Oh, and Cosgrove, I suggest you do a Google video search for “two girls, one cup”. After watching that I promise you won’t be bothered by memories of “Bootman”.

    Reply
  11. Malcolm says

    December 4, 2008 at 12:07 am

    We gave up our land line two years ago and have not looked back, much.

    The down side is 911 calls – if you have an emergency, cell phones don’t automatically give your location like a land line does.

    However, you can, in many places, get a “911 only” line for free or almost free.

    Since we have a latch-key 12 year old and a non-English speaking mother-in-law around sometimes, the 911 only land line makes sense.

    We live without the land line just fine, so far haven’t needed 911. Knock wood.

    M

    Reply
  12. Kelly says

    December 4, 2008 at 12:11 am

    well, if you get rid of yer landline you won’t be able to take collect calls from a loved one that is is incarcerated.
    cell phones don’t accept collect calls.

    Reply
  13. stuck@BoardingSchool says

    December 4, 2008 at 12:36 am

    Got rid of the home phone 3 years ago. all the kids have their own cellular devices and we stopped using it. best decision we’ve made in a while.

    Reply
  14. Jenn says

    December 4, 2008 at 12:59 am

    We ditched the land line a year ago and felt…well, vulnerable.

    We got over it fast and never missed it again.

    In fact, I just took the old phone off the wall last week, patched up the hole and painted over it. It felt good.

    It used to annoy the shit out of me when three phones would ring at once with that shrill sound…but on the other hand, I almost always forget to bring my cell to bed with me — for emergencies.

    Just do it.

    Reply
  15. JCIII says

    December 4, 2008 at 1:56 am

    Good Morning Surf Reporters….

    Good Night as well

    Reply
  16. Rusty says

    December 4, 2008 at 11:28 am

    I took 6 classes toward a paralegal certificate and found it very worthwhile. Took the network engineering program at Chubb in Philly and again a good move.

    I don’t however trust places when they tell you things like you will be able to move into a new profession easily at a substantial increase in pay. Or that they place 94 per cent of everyone who graduates from their program. That stuff is all lies designed to take money from the unsuspecting. You take a class and gain knowledge. For he rest you are on your own.

    Reply
  17. ian the errolite says

    December 4, 2008 at 11:44 am

    hi,
    you might not need it now as your secrets are ‘up in years’, but I’ve got a red filter for my mini maglite. This allows me to tiptoe into my kid’s rooms and check on them when they sleep without disturbing them by shining a regular torch in their peepers.
    It is the ‘bees’ knees’!

    Do you guys get packages with TV, broadband and phone all tied up?
    http://www.digital-tv-online.co.uk/sky/sky-broadband.html

    Reply
  18. Mrs. Wally says

    December 4, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    whatever you do, do NOT google “two girls, one cup.” Tyrosine, that is a mean thing to do to unsuspecting people. My husband made me watch it. It is truly the most disturbing thing, EVER!

    Reply
  19. Greg says

    December 4, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    Dropped Verizon last month, kept my old number, and switched to Suddenlink phone service. Of course, the next day, the cable went out, so I was without TV, internet, and phone. That only lasted about 10 minutes, but I was glad I had a cheap cell phone. I’ve taken a computer repair class numerous times, offered by our county school system. It’s taught by the guy who maintains all 5,000 computers in the county school system. So far, I’ve been given a desktop and two laptops, all with the hard drives newly formatted, and with a new install of XP Professional. Not a bad perc.

    Reply
  20. Adam says

    December 4, 2008 at 1:04 pm

    2 girls 1 cup… I think I’m going to be sick

    Reply
  21. Tyrosine says

    December 4, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    Mrs. Wally: To be fair I only suggested it as a way of “cleansing your palate” after Bootman. You must admit that after watching 2 girls, Bootman doesn’t seem so bad…

    Adam “2 girls 1 cup… I think I’m going to be sick”

    Then my work here is done 🙂

    FYI:There are a series of videos on You Tube devoted to capturing people’s reactions the first time they watch “2 Girls 1 cup”. Very entertaining!

    Reply
  22. JCIII says

    December 4, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    I mentioned to my coworkers at lunch today that the meal reminded me of Cobb salad. That comment drew some very concerned looks

    Reply
  23. Jorge says

    December 4, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    We plan on dumping the VOIP from our cable company and moving it over to a cell shortly.

    It’s strictly a cost control thing. My wife (and I) work for one of the Big 3 cell companies and she can have 2 employee lines for free. She only needs one, so we’re going to move the home number and cut out $30 or $40 buck per month.

    I don’t care for the signal quality in the house but free beats clear.

    Some cell companies (not yours) actually can do some things to make your cell work either via WiFi or as a VOIP phone when you’re in the house. It won’t put a bunch of phones on the same number, but it will make sure that the phone works well indoors.

    Reply
  24. Erica says

    December 4, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    So when did we get “Common Words that Do Not Rhyme” ?? I’m just now noticing it..and how come no one has dared to make a sentence using those 2 words..or at least made refrence to them??? this could be fun. So I ‘ll start…
    Today I warmed my muffin up on my carburetor.

    Reply
  25. surfin cincinnati says

    December 4, 2008 at 5:35 pm

    @Tyrosine: “I thought it was going to be warm and shitty, but it was actually just fucking cold.” Oscar winning lines.

    I have never been able to watch 2 girls 1 cup in its entirety.

    This video still makes me laugh every time:
    http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=sCjG8NfRDIc

    Happy surfing all,

    Reply
  26. Becki says

    December 4, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Keep the home phone:

    1. 911 – yes you need it. Until cell phones can reliabily identify where you are. If you have to answer a land line hurt or with silence (duh, INTRUDER), the operator knows your address.

    2. And get a plain old non electric, nonanswering machine phone. In a longterm electric power outage, your cells will lose their charge eventually but the landline is not electric. It happened to us!! Power out 3 days – cells dead- lbut land line YAY.

    Reply
  27. Jason says

    December 4, 2008 at 5:43 pm

    Unhand my carburetor you muffin romper! Help! Theif! Thief! Help!

    Reply
  28. Erica says

    December 4, 2008 at 6:09 pm

    LOL…That’s the spirit Jason!!! Let’s keep ’em comin’ !!

    Reply
  29. Adam says

    December 4, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    Is this my Erica or a different Erica?

    My carburetor was being rebuilt by a lesbian named Chuck who sported a handsome muffin top.

    Reply
  30. jim britton says

    December 4, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    Today’s (4 December 2008) Further Evidence is bizarre!

    Reply
  31. Erica says

    December 4, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    @ Adam…it’s your Erica…LOL

    Reply
  32. Alice in WV says

    December 4, 2008 at 7:13 pm

    I just ordered my Surf Reporter shirt! It’s going to be a happy happy holiday!

    Reply
  33. airandee says

    December 4, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    Dropped the landline for Vonage for $230 a year last year and got to keep the same phone number. Saved a few bucks and did not have to call everyone who does call the land line.

    I bought one of those batteryless flashlights that you have to mimic the motion of masterbation for 10 minutes to get a dim light for 3-4 minutes. I think you made a great buy for $10.

    Reply
  34. The Qweezy Mark says

    December 4, 2008 at 10:55 pm

    911’s a Joke!!!

    Reply
  35. Joe T. says

    December 4, 2008 at 11:15 pm

    So’s the Pussy Corps!

    Reply
  36. CitizenX says

    December 5, 2008 at 12:24 am

    Jeff
    YES you can safely can the land line.
    If you cannot hear the phone ring there is VM.

    College course in HTML to be able to maneuver in WordPress?
    If they cover CSS .. it is a go.
    Quite honestly….
    I am new to WP and I struggle with the CSS
    (but then again I know HTML)

    HTML should no longer be taught
    it is a dying concept of page rendering
    CSS .. master THAT (in MY OPINION)
    and you will master Word Press

    I never read what the others were saying
    on the subject..
    I felt compelled to voice

    Reply
  37. CitizenX says

    December 5, 2008 at 12:25 am

    all these peeps using these voip services

    S K Y P E

    How does $50/yr sound
    get a skype out number
    and call it a day

    Reply
  38. The Qweezy Mark says

    December 6, 2008 at 1:39 am

    The Pussy Corps………… A Montreal classic. Hadda be there. “Yeah! My dad was in the Corps.”

    For the general populace…….. a strip joint in Mount Royal, Quebec.

    How about “The Bare Facts” in Ottawa?

    Reply
  39. The Qweezy Mark says

    December 6, 2008 at 1:42 am

    “I got some groceries, some peanut butter, I gotta get me some sleep.”

    Reply
  40. The Qweezy Mark says

    December 6, 2008 at 1:43 am

    Joe T. is so fast asleep he can’t even count (his teeth).

    Reply
  41. Kevindust says

    December 6, 2008 at 3:11 am

    mmm…the Bare Fax in Ottawa…

    Reply
  42. Mr Neutron says

    December 6, 2008 at 11:50 am

    Ditched the land line two years ago. How did I decide? Well, after three full months of no inbound or outbound calls, I saw no further point… The only time I’ve missed it was when I needed to fax something. Now I can do it using my work e-mail. So why waste the $ on a land line?

    Reply
  43. bucdaddy says

    December 6, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    Best $10 I ever spend is always the mystery six-pack at McGrogan’s Taproom in Canonsburg.

    Reply
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