Five Random Photos I Took While “Shopping” On Saturday December 10, 2012 By Jeff 34 Comments Dollar store pregnancy tests. Douche with straw in his hat at Wendy’s. Can you turn it all into a story? Now playing in the bunker Do your holiday shopping at Amazon: US and Canada Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on Pinterest
Swami Bologna says
1. Ho ho, daddyo.
Is the sewing kit stationed next to the pregnancy test in case they decide to do a home episiotomy?
Or to sew her knees together?
It’s actually there for the vasectomy.
is the disposable, silky smooth razers there for site preparation before, and the scripto lighters for after?
or is the razers, lighters, and sewing kit there in case of crabs?
shave road through pubes,
set remaining pubes on fire
stab crabs with sewing needle as they run through the cleared area
My douchbag boyfriend didn’t have a condom for his yard of beef, so we used a giant christmas sock. It didn’t work out very well, because the $1 pregnancy test I got on sale said I was pregnant.
Shit. Not even close.
All I know is Yoda disapproves. Mightily.
Mightily disapproves does Yoda.
So I pulled my Yard-o-Beef out of my grandaddy underwear…which honestly is more like a straw hanging out of my hat. I proceeded to slap Justin Bieber’s face with it over and over until I realized I was slapping a stocking of him. Cocaine’s a helluva drug. I caught the attention of a Wal-Mart employee who commented on the size of my yard-o-beef and one thing led to another and I was at the dollar store searching for a pregnancy test.
I’ve been running operations in this sector for three years without a hint of troubel. It’s was mostly a dry area with no real leads to go on. The only reason we keep the station here open is because of one good source that’s been working with the company for a few decades. you’ve surely seen some of the “Clara” reports, that’s her.
Only once before had she ever tried to make personnal contact. Usually our communication was limited to cryptic notes hidden in the seasonal section at Walmart. Out informant…Clara works there, so it’s easy for her to place and retrieve the messages without being noticed. We all kept an eye out for the time of month that the Dollar General restocked its home pregnancy tests; it always happened around the end of the second week of the month. When they restock, Clara places her report from the previous month somewhere in the end cap of the seasonal section. She’d place them in toys, leprechaun hats, and so forth. She had an eye for the whimsy and liked to make her handlers dig around looking for “just the right Christmas stocking” when other employees asked us if we needed help.
A few months ago I saw the signal for an emergency meeting. I knew what it was based on a report from the early 1990’s’ that was the last time she called for an in person meeting. The tightie-whities hung up in the Mens department meant she wanted to meet at the local Wendy’s. If it was boxer shorts in the Womens department, we would meet at the Home Depot Ceiling Fans/Home lighting section.
I went to check the seasonal section before heading out to Wendy’s. Clara left a note telling me how to find her. She knew I’d never seen her, and wouldn’t recognize her. A drinking straw behind her ear would be the signal that it was her.
I got to the restaurant and there was a line. I a few people ahead of me was what appeared to be a troubled youth with a straw sticking out of his hat. I ordered my food, ate, and sat for an disconcerting period of time before the amateur approached me. This wasn’t my source, she was better than this.
The fooolish young man with the hat and hoodie dropped an envelope on my tray and started to speak. Before he could get anything out, his cell phone rang. He read the text message and left without a word. I decided to do the same.
When I returned to the safety of my office I opened the envelope. There was a photo in it of a person bludgeoned to death. Next to his body were two Hillshire Farms 3 pound Yard-o-Beef summer sausages. This was very upsetting. The dead man’s face was cut out of the photograph; in its place was a picture of me smoking a cigarette. The last time I had a cigarette was on September 11, 2001. They’ve been watching me for quite some time, and I don’t know why.
I took Clara’s warning. I had to get out of the area, abandon my post before I was brutally murdered. I went to my apartment to get my emergency cash before heading out. The door man said he signed for a package earlier that morning. It was a Hillshire Farms sampler. I choose against the temptation of smoked cheeses and strawberry candy, no way was I touching that death letter.
In my apartment I found the man in the photograph laying there on my bedroom floor. He was a lover I had back in the service. He was discharged for adultery. This was just their way of letting me know they could get me whenever they wanted. That’s why I came to you. You’re the closest thing i have to someone I can trust. I have $6000 in cash and need transport out.
Wisey in TTown says
Bob mcgillicutty says
Jenny Piccalo says
More.I need more !
In metric countries, does Hillshire farms market it as “Meter-o-Meat”?
Or just a meat-er.
I used dollar store pregnancy tests with my last child! They work and they are SO MUCH CHEAPER than the “brand name” tests! Great for someone who feels the need to test, re-test, then double check once or twice again.
I used early-pregnancy-tests.com. They are priced according to quantity, and if you order 200 they are $0.50 each. I never got that crazy, but I think I did order 60 ovulation tests and 30 pregnancy tests in one order, prompting my husband to say, “if you want to pee on a stick, we’ve got a yard full!”
hot fuzz says
A positive test for a guy using a home preg test has been known to indicate cancer. Or so I’m told on reddit.
I’d be more concerned if they sold discount condoms.
Someone on another site mentioned that this happened to a friend of his. Turned out to be testicular cancer (the patient made a full recovery because it was caught early).
It is amazing to me that this could ever happen. Being home alone with nothing to amuse myself but a home pregnancy test seems beyond unlikely. If I found the need to use the test and it came out positive, I would probably dispose of all evidence and pretend it never happened.
Fancy Pants Maguire says
“How convenient that they stocked the pregnancy tests right next to the mouse traps!”, said Justin Bieber to his friends Pudgy the Bear and Jasper. “Let’s put on our underwear over our clothes and go eat at Wendy’s”, said Jasper. Then Pudgey the Bear said, “No. I would rather eat a yard of beef today. Besides, there’s always a douchebag with a drinking straw hanging out of his hat whenever we go to Wendy’s”. Then they all looked up just in time to see the meteor strike the earth, which was the last thing that any living thing saw on the Year of Our Lord – December 21, 2012.
Yes – I could put it all together in a story. But I won’t, because that would make the nuns faint and the children cry.
WB in OH says
Wonder how many Yard-O-Beefs fit inside the Justin Bieber stocking?
Everyone knows the Yard-O-Beef is Yoda’s, and he wouldn’t get it anywhere NEAR Justin Bieber! 🙂
Emma had just spent fifty bucks to sit across from an old cross-eyed gypsy hag who smelled of gin. “Watch for the signs”, was all the wretch kept saying for half an hour. Emma left feeling cheated. She wanted to know her future. “Tell me my fortune bitch”, she thought as she walked away. But it didn’t take long for her to understand.
When she walked into “Buck’s Just a Buck” her eyes caught the well stocked pregnancy test display. As she headed back to the pet section for her usual stock up of cat food her eyes caught a lone pair of men’s underwear hanging totally out of place almost as if to say, “These will soon be in your laundry”.
She walked down the ‘seasonal’ aisle and while she viewed the displays was hit with the thought…'”I hate his voice and his condescending Yoda crap he pulls on me. How he says sometimes I do things in a Mickey Mouse way. And how he said he didn’t know where that gay porn DVD came from and how it must be Ernie’s.” On her way home she wanted to stop at Kroger’s to make a party tray but decided to grab a quick cheeseburger and a coffee. At first Emma thought the guy in front of her in line could be her boyfriend’s brother and realized right then and there what the gypsy meant. “My god! THIS is what I’m headed for!! This is my fucking fortune? A ton of kids, his shit stains and a know it all bullshitting half time homo?” Emma left and went to Kroger’s. While she was getting her cheeses and crackers she reached for the large summer sausage and stopped for a moment. She thought about Les and wondered if she still had his number.
Not enough to work with. Throw in one of those mall massage parlors and I’ll whip out something you can sink your teeth into.
Kendra figured as much as she’d been fucking lately she’s probably pregnant by at least four or five guys and just laughed as she passed the pregnancy test area. On her way back to the plumbing section to buy a plunger to open up her three day old shit clogged toilet she keeps adding to, she was reminded to see if they finally got in her size 52 panties in light blue. She thought about buying an oven mitt for her sister for Christmas but didn’t know if her sister knew who Toada is. She stopped at “Jake’s Eat My Meat” for a cup of orange juice for her blood and proceeded to kick the shit out of the guy in front her for taking the last straw in the cup holder. On her way home Kendra knew she would spend the night alone. Her rancid water bed and piss smell sheets was what was waiting for her. She stopped at the local grocery to pick up what she liked to call, “My farm boy”. Kendra knew her life would never change but she always felt better when they changed the sausage display now and then.
Jenny Piccalo says
lmao @ “My farm boy”
It’s not a story but I can picture the douche with the straw in his hat purchasing all the other items. The Bieber stocking for his lil sis, the yard o beef for his uncle – who he gets his weed from, the unpackaged underwear for his mom’s boyfriend cause that’s all that bastard deserves and the dollar store pregnancy test for his current shawty – cause she late and if this one knocked up too then it be time for him to bounce.
Home pregnancy test. Check.
Home suturing kit. Check.
Sterilization devices. Check.
Mouse trap in case it tries to crawl away. Check.
Coat hanger. Check.